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Is this deserving of an apology or not?

(35 Posts)
thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Sun 02-Feb-14 21:46:25

OH is working away and won't get back in time for a Big Sporting Event he & I have tickets for.

Other than a mention that he won't be back in time, it's not been referred to.

I get that the boss decides how long jobs take, but is it too much to expect an "I'm sorry we're missing out because of my work?"

Maybe I am being a stampy-foot princess?

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 02-Feb-14 21:47:44

Can't you take someone else?

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Sun 02-Feb-14 21:49:10

Not easily, no. But that's not my question. Surely even that would merit "I'm sorry I'm not back, can you find someone else to use my ticket?"

Cabrinha Sun 02-Feb-14 22:04:46

I think a sorry is polite, you probably should be perfectly understanding and not expect abject grovelling apologies, but you're not - just some recognition that you have been put out.

My annoyance level would be dependent on history though.
Current partner, I'd say "um - where's the sorry?" And he's say "god yes, sorry - and sorry for not saying sorry" and it would be a genuine slip in an otherwise thoughtful appreciative guy.

My ex - well, it'd be yet another reminder of what a totally selfish wanker he was!

Definitely sort out going with someone else if at all possible!

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Sun 02-Feb-14 22:11:57

It seems to be a blind spot, or a different thought process. We have plans, they get shot down because of his work, or (once) he changed his mind but forgot to mention it, and there's no sense of "oops, sorry, you were loking forward to that and now we're not doing it." sad

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 02-Feb-14 22:16:34

That's life honey. Why is it hard to find someone else to go?

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Mon 03-Feb-14 08:39:36

I don't have the tickets, or any means of getting hold of them.

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 03-Feb-14 08:48:06

Pardon? You've got tickets for an event but you don't have any means of getting hold of them? How does that work, then? Never heard of such a thing.

Tell your OH you're very disappointed that work has got in the way. Maybe he'll apologise if he realises that you are that disappointed.

I'd be more concerned about wasting the tickets and the money spent on them, quite frankly, than wanting my OH to grovel forgiveness.

Onesleeptillwembley Mon 03-Feb-14 08:50:09

What's he done wrong to necessitate an apology? No, of course he doesn't need to. Poor bloke.

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 03-Feb-14 08:58:28

I know he can't help the work thing, but I do think your dissapointment should be acknowledged. Wouldn't hurt him to say sorry, so long as you wouldn't expect ongoing penance!

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 03-Feb-14 11:55:33

OH is working away and won't get back in time for a Big Sporting Event he & I have tickets for
...
I don't have the tickets, or any means of getting hold of them.

Make your mind up!

meditrina Mon 03-Feb-14 12:03:35

Do you mean the actual tickets are with him, and you have no way to get them into your hands so you could go with a friend?

Had he actually noticed this clash? Is it possible he's forgotten when the event is, and was casual in his message because he hasn't realised the problem?

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Mon 03-Feb-14 13:27:35

Near enough, medtrina. We don't live together, the tickets are at his house, he is working somewhere else. None of these three things are within a day's travelling distance of each other.

Which is why I said it would not be easy to go with someone else.

I could, in theory, phone the venue, pretend I had lost the tickets and ask for new ones.

But I wanted to go with him.

Thanks, everyone, for views. An interesting range!

wontletmesignin Mon 03-Feb-14 13:34:07

He might me far too annoyed and dissapointed himself that his boss is making him work when he was looking forward to it himself. It might not have occured to him to say sorry to you.

DIYapprentice Mon 03-Feb-14 13:42:04

He might me far too annoyed and dissapointed himself that his boss is making him work when he was looking forward to it himself. It might not have occured to him to say sorry to you.

And???!!! How is that supposed to make it better.

If anything, that makes it worse. It makes it all about HIM and that only his feelings are important.

My DH is really apologetic anytime work screws up anything that we've organised together.

It's what we teach children, isn't it? If you hurt someone, even if by accident, then you should apologise. It may not be his fault, but his not going is hurtful and he should damn well apologise.

wontletmesignin Mon 03-Feb-14 13:52:01

So then she should be saying sorry,also.

Its a bastard, yeah. But it cant be helped. He needs to work, and if he cant get away then nothing can be done.

I guess i just dont see why someone should say sorry for something that is out of their control

DIYapprentice Mon 03-Feb-14 14:08:10

So then she should be saying sorry,also.

For what?!

I guess i just dont see why someone should say sorry for something that is out of their control

Seriously?! So if you bumped into someone by accident and they were hurt you wouldn't say sorry for it?

If a friend invited you out but you had another engagement you wouldn't say 'Oh I'm so sorry, I'd love to go but we've got another party/whatever we have to go to'?

Wow!

wontletmesignin Mon 03-Feb-14 14:09:34

Yes, of course i would. But having other arrangements, or bumping into somebody by accident is a little different to being made to work extra by your boss.

DIYapprentice Mon 03-Feb-14 14:14:57

No, actually it's not. It's the same basic manners to someone who you care about.

Just like your partner should apologise if they are late home for a meal you've prepared, even if it was the traffic that made them late.

That is how society functions. And that is how a relationship should function. He should CARE that she has been inconvenienced and misses out.

In an ideal world the conversation would go something like:

'I'm really sorry, but I won't be able to make 'the sporting event' because I have to work. Is there any way you can take someone else and not miss out?'

'Oh, that's too bad. What a shame you have to miss out. Maybe I could take X. I'm sure I'll still have fun, sorry you're missing out.'

(Actually, I can see how she could give a sorry, but the sorry from him needs to come first!)

KikiShack Tue 04-Feb-14 19:17:53

I'm completly baffled by pp who think this doesn't merit an apology- he should definitely break the bad news with an apology, it is basic manners.
My DP often gets sent to work on dates which clash with something we had arranged, tickets etc, and he wouldn't dream of not apologising when he told me. It might not be his fault but it is his job, and yes- basic manners.
Equally if something bad happens to him, minor or small (a colleague he likes resigns, his fantasy team do badly, he slips and twists his ankle are all recent examples) I'll say 'I'm sorry to hear that/that happened' etc. It's not my fault at all but I think a minor way of showing I love him and am always rooting for him.
I'd apologise if it were my work too. I might include 'I'm so mad with my fucking boss, I really want to go see xx, but I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to come after all' etc.
I can't believe a majority of people don't think sorry is an appropriate inclusion.

What would those pp say if not including sorry? Genuine question.

Tinks42 Tue 04-Feb-14 19:42:54

Of course he should have apologised.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Wed 05-Feb-14 07:25:06

I brought it up - he said of course he was sorry. Maybe to him it's so obvious it doesn't need saying?

Lazyjaney Wed 05-Feb-14 07:47:30

^^
Work happens. Its no ones fault. If you're on MN over something this trivial, doesn't bode well IMO.

GoldfishCrackers Wed 05-Feb-14 07:50:57

Of course he should have apologised. I don't understand why he wouldn't say sorry if he felt sorry. I don't like the sound of his history of letting you down because he'd changed his mind. Is he generally self-centred? Do his needs count more than yours in his eyes?

youbethemummylion Wed 05-Feb-14 07:59:37

DH isnt a good communicator and hardly ever actually says sorry after many discussions it has become clear he is sorry but the sorry is silent as its so obvious he is sorry it doesnt need articulating. What im trying to say is if this is your only issue in your relationship then get over it if it is the tip of the iceberg then perhaps it is more of an issue.

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