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DP has gone to his mums (I think for good)

(52 Posts)
WillYouDoTheFandango Sun 02-Feb-14 15:32:03

I am completely blindsided. Been together 9y, have a 13mo. I'm blissfully happy. He obviously isn't.

He works 70h a week, his choice as he won't push back against his overtime. I work 4 days and we don't need the extra money. We don't get much time alone together as we have a baby who's quite a poor sleeper, but what we do is companionable, we chat and laugh, we usually end up slumped in front of the telly together, we still have sex around twice a week.

I thought we were doing really well for the baby years but he says it's not enough for him. He was the one who wanted a child, who pushed for more children even and who proposed to me, but he doesn't want any of that now. He says he wants to go to his mums and just stay there. He says the only part of his entire day that's fun is when he plays with DS for an hour each evening.

In short he doesn't know what he wants. He loves me but feels like my best friend not DP.

I know what I want, to be us again, but I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I'd rather he (and I obviously) was happy alone than miserable with me. But I don't think he will be happier alone, I think he's looking for an easy life and doesn't want to have to try. I told him that even if he's alone, he deserves a nice life (he had a shit childhood/adolescence/rest of his life until he was with me). His father's an alcoholic, his mother is adept in the art if emotional blackmail.

He scares easily and tends to run for cover when life gets tough unless I drag him kicking and screaming to sort it. It seems that this time it was too late and there may be nothing left to sort.

It all came out as I'd been sensing he was distancing himself and I've asked until I was blue in the face but he wouldn't discuss it. Now he says he doesn't know if it's too late. He's struggled to adjust to us not having much time together and feels like we're co parents rather than a partnership.

I'm not angry, I'm not hopeless, I'm just sad. I'm mostly sad for him, I think. He really doesn't believe he's worth happiness and he'll just coast through the rest of his life without ever really experiencing it.

It hurts now but I know that whatever happens I'd rather it happened now than him put on an act for 10 more years sad

Lweji Sun 02-Feb-14 15:41:42

So, he's just left you to cope with the children and the house.

From what you say he really brought it on himself and his family.

Has he said how is he going to be in contact with the children?

Lweji Sun 02-Feb-14 15:41:53

Sorry, child.

WillYouDoTheFandango Sun 02-Feb-14 15:48:31

He has DS with him, I have a vomiting and diarrhoea bug and DS had it last night. He's going tk drop him off later. In a way it finally made me demand to know what the fuck was going on. I just felt so shit that I laid it all on the line for him and he admitted to not being happy.

We'll sort the baby and everything else. I did say I couldn't cope with long periods away from DS yet. he was shocked I was discussing it and said he's just gone for one night. But it doesn't feel like one night not from what was said.

We just sold our house too, accepted an offer last week. Now I have no idea whether to go through with it and move in with my parents or hole up here and wait it out. What a mess.

RandomMess Sun 02-Feb-14 15:53:33

Any chance he has a crush on someone at work, or had some sort of affair, a sudden grass is greener type thing. Just seems odd that he's suddenly feeling like this and has refused to discuss it with your and now left?

WillYouDoTheFandango Sun 02-Feb-14 16:10:28

There's a couple at work going through a huge messy divorce and I think it's put the frighteners on him. They spend all day offloading on him separately. They should never have got married, they should never have had a second child, they'd be so much happier apart. He swears blind there's never anyone else and I do believe him, he's always been v anti-affair.

He has form for being an ostrich and not discussing anything. I honestly think he turned marriage counsellor for this couple to avoid talking to me about how unhappy he was. This has just convinced him further that there's no point trying.

I think he's actually exhausted, he's shut down into that insular little world you go to when you don't have the energy to go on. Now his life consists of back breaking job, come home play with DS, clean up and go to bed.

My mum and dad are here. They're fuming confused

SpottyTeacakes Sun 02-Feb-14 16:16:40

Glad your parents are there WillYou thanks

Leverette Sun 02-Feb-14 16:34:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WillYouDoTheFandango Sun 02-Feb-14 17:22:29

I told him that. His mother's house is the most joyless place on earth. She can suck the happiness right out if you. I just can't imagine how miserable it would be to live there.

My sister came for a visit too.

RandomMess Sun 02-Feb-14 17:40:10

Could he took some annual leave to get his head together a little bit and perhaps talk things through with you when he isn't completely exhausted?

My h has retreated into his little insular world, I know how it awful it is sad

WillYouDoTheFandango Sun 02-Feb-14 17:44:07

I don't know if he will though. I saw you on a thread this morning Random before this all happened. I think I'd rather he went than lived here not interacting with us properly. We deserve a whole partner/daddy. How do you feel?

He brought DS back which obviously just made me cry my eyes out and now he's gone somewhere again for a moment confused. He didn't take his work stuff so I assume he'll come for those later.

RandomMess Sun 02-Feb-14 17:46:14

I'm looking to move out on my own, has been nearly 4 years of this though sad

MrsNutella Sun 02-Feb-14 18:23:01

willyou I really hope that he has a big cold blast of what it would be like without you and DS and realises he doesn't want that. If he comes back, if you want him back, I think the two of you need counselling so that he has tools he can use to help him communicate and not do the "when the going gets tough the tough run for cover and hide with their head in a bucket"

NewtRipley Sun 02-Feb-14 18:27:13

You poor woman.

Maybe I have been on MN too long but I am also wondering if he is having an affair, or at least a flirtation with another woman.

The fact that you chat and laugh and have sex all contradict the idea of depression.

NewtRipley Sun 02-Feb-14 18:30:12

Forgive me if I've put that word depression into your mouth. But some kind of breakdown seem to be what you are implying.

WillYouDoTheFandango Sun 02-Feb-14 18:57:58

I'm not implying breakdown per se. More that his work life got so stressful that it was easier to compartmentalise his life. I fell into the mum box and he didn't bother to try hard enough. I think that's what im saying. I didn't realise he was unhappy so I couldn't help.

He's dropped off DS and we had a good chat. He wants to work at it but I'm in favour of selling the house while we have a buyer, and maybe DS and I going into rented so that if we split for good it's easy to do so. He's now got my stomach bug and is throwing up in the toilet. Sometimes life is a little bit poetic.

I'm so bloody wrung out it's untrue.

ScottishPies Sun 02-Feb-14 19:12:38

I would think about putting the house move on hold for a while - you've got a lot of things going on at the moment and a house move is another stress factor that you can do without!

however - if the house is in both your names it will need both of you to agree to put the house sale on hold and a conversation about mortgage payments.

I sold my house in Sept '13 and put all my stuff in storage while I stayed with my partner until I found somewhere to rent in his town. Sadly the relationship collapsed and since Xmas I've been staying in the box room of my parents thinking about what to do next. The loss of having a safe/secure home, in addition to dealing with a relationship breakup has been very difficult. And I'm getting very stressed trying to find a decent rentable property. Not to mention the stress of staying with my parents, they're supportive but I'm finding it oppressive being here after living in my own properties for years.

At the moment you need comfort and security - your home will give you some of this.

WillYouDoTheFandango Sun 02-Feb-14 19:40:01

The only problem is Scottish, that we've been on the market for 16 months. We finally found a buyer this week and I'm loathe to let them go.

Head's done in

RandomMess Sun 02-Feb-14 19:58:54

What is the property market like in your area? Where I am it is rising rapidly but if it is stagnent where you are then I think selling and renting - providing you can find something suitable could be worth doing.

There is no harm at looking at what there is to rent and for how much before making a decision.

ScottishPies Sun 02-Feb-14 21:09:28

Good point and I can understand your reluctance, my house was on the market 3yrs before I even had a sniff of a buyer - in the end two couples were competing to get the property, but it did take a further 6months for the sale to go through (messy complications)

But i did put the house on the market right at the start of the economic crisis and it wasn't in the best of locations.

So i've just asked myself whether I'd still have sold the house if i knew what was going to happen to me? And my answer is, well, yes i would have sold, i would have just been more proactive in finding somewhere to live and would have delayed the sale until i had secured a new home.

So in light of my reflection and your comments, i think my advise would be make sure you only sign the papers once you have secured somewhere to move to!

My other bit of advice is, house sales can often get messy - i found out on the day of the move that there was a problem at the start of the chain (only 3 people in the chain) - this problem took two months to sort. I'd moved all my stuff into storage a few days before the planned day of the move and spent the next two months sleeping on a blow-up bed with no furniture, just my clothes and a few bathroom/kitchen bits. What I'm long windedly trying to say here is, be prepared (financially/ emotionally) for a period where you may have to pay for both the mortgage and the rental house. But then of course, it could all go smoothly, the majority do!!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 02-Feb-14 21:16:14

Give him what he wants. He wants to go and be at his mums???

Fine. Pack up a bag and ask him to come and get it. You can start your week as you mean to go on. You can come in tomorrow night from work and know he won't be letting himself in/knocking in the door.

Give him a shock. Too many times on MN we read about these cheeky fuckers, thinking they get to call the shots and 'decide' what they want. My main advice: take control of the situation and don't let him muck u about.

Ps- you sound very together and you obviously have great family support.

flowers

WillYouDoTheFandango Sun 02-Feb-14 21:18:04

It's good at the level above us, I.e the ones we were looking at were flying but the ones near me just aren't selling. You can buy smaller but in a nicer area for the same money. Put house is between first home and family home.

WillYouDoTheFandango Sun 02-Feb-14 21:21:47

Thanks Mama and Scottish, I think he expected me to rail and scream. I didn't get angry I just told him to work out what made him happy and then go for it. In between sobbing of course.

I know he sounds a twat but he's been my twat for the best part of 10 years. I'd be miserable without him but not for long. I'm resilient, I'd bounce back. smile

Mishmashfamily Sun 02-Feb-14 21:24:34

I think. He really doesn't believe he's worth happiness and he'll just coast through the rest of his life without ever really experiencing it.

Oh yes he does and that's why he has pissed of back to mummy's. Your making lots of excuses why he has left when in reality he done it because he wanted to - selfish reasons.

Could you ever imagine leaving your dc behind because you were bored?

mammadiggingdeep Sun 02-Feb-14 21:26:13

Yes...best advice I had was from my mum. Had a 6 month and 2.5 old when my twat left. She told me babies are only small for a while and not to waste any time. I realised then that I couldn't waste time crying and moping.

Life is precious, your babies childhood is precious....let him waste his time being miserable and 'lost'. You sound strong and you have a solid family. Don't let this draw you under. Stay strong.

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