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I'm stuck, I can't get over him..

(21 Posts)
buttonortwo Fri 31-Jan-14 22:25:58

I ended relationship, it was becoming controlling, he pinned me to bed and pushed me on stairs.. Met him after separated from exh. He was everything exh wasn't.. Outgoing, good looking, charming... But he constantly put pressure on to move in etc, I wasn't ready and then the possessiveness started.. I can't get over him, how can I love someone who could do that to me? Be emotionally abusive too.. It was 'fairy tale' to begin with.. He threw stuff at me and told me never to contact him again, when I couldn't commit ... So I haven't..Feel like I'm pining over him, but why? Think about him all the time.. Feel like I should be over him.. Also lost baby to him.. 'Relationship' 2.5 yrs ended nov 13, surely I should be further along by now?

Scarletohello Fri 31-Jan-14 22:30:09

Men like that can be very seductive, make you feel that you are the centre of their world one minute and be abusive the next so you never know where you are with them. It's part of their tactics. You did the right thing by ending it as the abuse would have escalated. Have you thought if having counselling or doing the Freedom program to help you get over it? Be kind to yourself and give yourself time, you'll meet someone lovely eventually !

arsenaltilidie Fri 31-Jan-14 22:34:47

It's only been a couple of months. Everything is still fresh.
At the end of the day you did the right thing, your heart is playing catch up.
The abuse would have got much worse.

buttonortwo Fri 31-Jan-14 22:44:39

Yes, I questioned myself so much, but strangely I still loved him? He made me feel sexy etc but he was incredibly controlling, I'm a strong person but I found myself starting to change my own behaviour , watching what I said because of him... Do you really think the abuse would have got worse? His ex wife mentioned DV in divorce, but then she was violent to him to? I knew I couldn't go on as I have ds, he didn't witness any behaviour as I stopped it.. If it had just been me I think I would have put up with it.. He stalked me, turned up at my house without letting me know.. But then if the relationship was right surely this wouldn't have bothered me.. He said I would have a long road alone, I'm stupid as no one would live me as much as him.. I'm so down.. I look at photos as look so happy and healthy, I now look like rubbish, sad, no personality .. I miss him on one hand but then I remember why I ended it.. I get so confused... I'm reading freedom programme but not the same as being in real life environment when I'm talking out loud.. No one knows, I keep it to myself!

Yes2014 Fri 31-Jan-14 22:45:25

I hear you! So hard to get over. Still stuck here so no advice except lots of counselling, talk, try to make your life bigger so he gets smaller and smaller

buttonortwo Fri 31-Jan-14 22:49:39

Thanks yes2014 sorry you are feeling it too.. I was separated from exh for couple of yrs before I met him, divorced exh, now I feel like it is all mixed up and am also thinking about exh again.. Angry etc .. He has moved on.. Feeling alone.. I have no self esteem, cannot drag myself out of this crap although am doing positive things just font 'feel' like I've put barriers up to everyone....

arsenaltilidie Fri 31-Jan-14 22:55:29

Yes it would have got worse.
The bad bits WOULD have lasted longer and the good bits would have got shorter.
The thing with abusive people is they know how to get right inside your head, question absolutely everything about yourself.
Then one slightly good thing appears like the biggest gesture in the world.
That's what he is, he now has his next victim and thank god it's not you.

buttonortwo Fri 31-Jan-14 23:02:58

Thanks arsen.. The worrying part is that he told me he would Continue to do this with women.. He was sorry , but as if that is just him.. He actually scared me.. He threatened me too... wHY? Is this insecurity? Wanting to be the dominator? I split up with him before and he took someone on a date a couple of times a few weeks later... So for all he said I was the love of his life... Can't have been that strong? Not sure if he even slept with her but he called her and said he was with me and he told me she 'took it badly' strange after a few dates?

louby44 Fri 31-Jan-14 23:08:04

You CAN do this. I split from my ex 2 months ago, I loved him but he has major issues. He was a strong character and had jealous tendencies, didn't like it if I didn't text back, if friends text me he didn't like it, still friends with my exh and he didn't like that - felt very threatened. Sulked for days - very immature!

He also has violent tendencies, never towards me but towards his own DD and sometimes my 2DSs. Very angry man. He has a new victim too - poor woman!

Make a list of all the good things and all the bad things (even silly things like flabby bum, crooked teeth) about him - I BET the bad outweigh the good! My list was very long when I listed everything. Get it out and read it, remind yourself why it hasn't worked!

Do nice things for yourself. I just want to be on my own and enjoy doing things for ME and my DC. Don't want a relationship, not interested. It's not healthy to jump straight back in.

buttonortwo Fri 31-Jan-14 23:15:36

Thing is when you fall for someone you overlook the eg flabby bum etc unfortunately this doesn't make me feel better? No one is perfect.. He said some disgusting things to me and about my body, how do ii get over this? Conflicting as he fancied me so much but in the end could say these things... The bad bits, possessive controlling, unstable, anxious, negative, pushy, manipulative.. But it was those damn good bits, they got me !

buttonortwo Fri 31-Jan-14 23:16:59

I'm certainly not jumping back in, would be a disaster for me...

redundantandbitter Fri 31-Jan-14 23:21:31

I think you can get to a point after all the stress of 'the separation drama' when you stop moving forward and just plateau out. Certainly is for me. It's 4 months on and I've run out of steam/momentum. Antidepressants. Paying £££'s to a counsellor . Admitted to her today that my heart is still waiting for him to come back. Feel like a proper twat for it. Doh

This week Two people have asked me if I've found anyone else. WTF? The thought actually made me want to vomit.

So, don't expect yourself to be 'fine & over". You will get there in your own time. He sounds horrendous. "Long road alone"? Better alone than with him. Poor new woman

buttonortwo Fri 31-Jan-14 23:28:43

Redundant, yes I've been in overdrive and finally 'facing' it, I feel it's just the beginning.. Been blocking it out. Maybe I'm plateau'ing .. Or starting to.. I understand, despite everything I just want to see him again? I want him, but I don't?! Not sure if he is with another woman, he met her but we got back together and he swore nothing happened. Feel like I've lost myself, don't like myself anymore and something happened as a result of stress/ losing baby out if character for me and I beat myself up terribly..

redundantandbitter Fri 31-Jan-14 23:36:34

Have you anyone in RL to talk to?

A casual acquaintance from baby group days has become someone I talk to. Both got tons of shit to go through and seem to be taking it in turns to cry at each other this week. It does help just to be able to say 'can I bob Round for a brew /call you to sob' with someone who isn't going to say 'oh FFS you're not still going on about him?'

buttonortwo Fri 31-Jan-14 23:44:21

I guess there are people I can turn to but I've lost a lot of trust... I tend to hide away privately and don't want to come across as depressive, feel embarrassed ?

Chyochan Fri 31-Jan-14 23:47:24

Wish I lived near you Redundant, I could really do with someone to 'go on about him' to... am prepared to listen too, tho.
Am ashamed to say its 20months and Im still stuck, but I do think Im the exception rather than the rule, thank god.
Most people on here are inspirational.

TheSparklyPussycat Sat 01-Feb-14 00:06:49

These kind of relationships can be addictive because they fill your head with him, as you are constantly predicting different scenarios, never knowing what will happen. Also, they can cause you to mistake pain for love sad

Once he is no longer there, it leaves a gap in your head, which needs to be filled with something else - begin by making some sort of small effort to get interested in something, perhaps.

Do you feel angry with him? It is sometimes said that depression is anger turned inwards.

It is early days, you will have to keep plodding on, things will get better almost without you noticing.

sharkey1187 Sat 01-Feb-14 00:38:17

I cried my heart out when my ex dumped me. I begged him to take me back.. I was devastated. I had a serious case of rose tinted glasses and refused to see how bad he was for me. Don't put yourself down, it's still very early days.. It took me 2 years to even accept my ex had been abusive. He was controlling and emotionally abusive. He would even force me to have sex with him. Yet I couldn't see how I could cope without him.

It gets easier.. 3 years ago I met my husband, we married this year. He has never tried to hurt me and I know he never will. Leaving a volatile relationship results in an awful lot of emotions and you have to take each step at a time. Counselling helped me understand why he did what he did and that not every man was like him. Just find someone who you can trust and talk to, it's a process you have to go through but you can do it.

buttonortwo Sat 01-Feb-14 18:24:09

I'm not sure I'm angry with him, disappointed he f@@@ed up I suppose and just keep questioning why. Feel like I have wasted 2.5 yrs of my life and I'm 38, I'd love another child and a family..
His reactions and emotions were so extreme, v difficult to deal with..
His ex wife was ea to him and this really affected his self esteem, why then do the same to me, criticise my body in such an awful scathing way? Hateful...
I don't think I'm the person I used to be..
Sharkey. Good for you, glad you are out the other side
Feel alone with thoughts and what he's said to me goes round and round in my mind... When I used to tell him things about exh he used to say they were 'ghosts' he is truly haunting me now.. He even said he would

superstarheartbreaker Sat 01-Feb-14 20:20:49

Are you sure he wasn't ea to his ex wife?

buttonortwo Sat 01-Feb-14 21:25:18

YES he was superstar, he told me he gave as good as he got. he also put his hands around he throat. Once he was speaking to ex MIL and had her on loud speaker and she said "when you tried to strangle my daughter".. i always thought he made ex wife to sound dramatic, but who knows?
did anyone just see Danny off Take me out on TV. A performer... he was like that, wanted to be centre of attention..good looking, charming etc

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