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I don't know how to deal with this

(115 Posts)
Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 17:59:56

The short version: Looks like OH has been contacting if not meeting prostitutes

The long version: a while ago, due to a Mumsnet thread about Adultwork, I noticed that OH had this on his computer. Mumsnet said LTB most vehemently, he said he had just been looking at porn, showed me some sites he frequents, said there was nothing more to it than that. I didn't LTB.

Fast forward a year and a bit and a baby later and today he went out to work leaving his laptop logged into his email. I went to shut everything down but some spidey sense tingled just as I was about to close it and I started to nose.

A few hours of reading and hacking into various email acounts later and I got into his Adult work account which appears to be one of many sites he uses including ordinary dating sites. Turns out he's been emailing 'escorts' trying to arrange one hour 'out calls'? including when he went away for a course when DD was only a few weeks old.

I don't know how to handle this. Our DD is only 7 months old for christsake.

Thecircle Fri 31-Jan-14 18:46:34


In different circumstances to yours I left my ex 18 months ago with a then 1 yr old ds.

I left with our clothes and essentials and absolutely nothing else.

House and car in his name, I left all furniture, all I took was photographs.

It's doable and even better, it was worth it. I'm sorry for the shit time you are having, honestly it can get better x

Its0kToBeMe Fri 31-Jan-14 18:50:49

Good advice whonickedmyname.

piratecat Fri 31-Jan-14 18:51:28

you are 31 with a lovely baby, you are young! not being trite because it happened to me, and i had to start again, with nothing too.

the pets can stay at the house for now. even if you'd owned the house with him, you'd have a joint mortgage and someone would lose out, or not be able to buy the other out. iyswim.


AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 31-Jan-14 18:51:29

Re your comment:-

"I bought the one car from him and we didn't change the name on it yet"

Is the car therefore still in his name?.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:52:48

I don't think I can hide from him that I know as 1. I'm not a very good liar and I'm shaking, he's going to know and 2. even if I put on an Oscar worthy performance, I hacked his email acounts/had to reset passwords so he's going to know when he can't get into any of his email acounts.

I pay for all the food shopping/nappies/wipes/clothes out of my SMP anyway, we don't have joint finances so aside from the cash he leaves lying around the house, I don't have access to anything. I can't sell the sports car as it's in his name even though I'm still paying off the loan I took out for it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 31-Jan-14 18:58:50

I had a nasty feeling the car still belonged to him that is why I asked.

You will end up likely walking away with your child and the items you yourself own. What is his is his and what is yours is yours.

You have and are indeed learning some harsh life lessons here. You can never allow yourself to be so financially up shite creek as you are now. I presume he always said that things would be ok and that he would take care of things for you. He never cared for you at all. The only one he ever cared for was his own self.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:02:08

can't you change the sports car into your name?

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:02:33

Yeah, aint that the truth Attila. I had pretty much come to the conclusion that he was an arse anyway before all of this but I never expected it to be this bad. We did talk about finances and everything and of course, he was going to sort it out and we were going to have joint finances but of course it never actually happened just like everything else.

We talked t

notapizzaeater Fri 31-Jan-14 19:02:59

Can you find some bank statements/ p60's to copy before he gets home?

Cinnamon2013 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:03:39

OP, you sound so sensible and strong and like a wonderful mother. Wish you strength to move forward from this situation - you and your DD deserve a lot more, and you will find it. Good luck x

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:04:36

We talked it all through when we were TTC, he was saying how he couldn't go through the pain of losing another child so we needed to be sure it would work out and then he goes and does this!

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:05:33

Thank you so much Cinnamon, that' s what gets me, I always have been a strong, independent woman, I've no idea how I've ended up in this shit pit that I'm in but I'm bloody determined to climb my way out.

Logg1e Fri 31-Jan-14 19:08:35

Is there no way you can keep quiet and cover up your snooping?

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:09:27

No copier/printer here and he's the messiest man alive so chances of finding any of his stuff is slim and none. He seems to chuck out his bank statements anyway after they have hung around in the kitchen for weeks and I've started shouting.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:10:28

To what end Logg1e? I still wouldn't be able to access any money or anything.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 31-Jan-14 19:12:42

And you will climb out of the hole he partially dug for you and make a better life for you and your DD. He is financially responsible for her as his daughter and she is entitled to know who her dad is even though you and he can no longer be together.

Some inadequate men like (supposedly) strong and independent women like yourself to take down, they see such women as a challenge and want to break them. Such types also hate women, all of them.

NomNomNom Fri 31-Jan-14 19:15:02

Get screenshots of what you found and email them to yourself. I was in your situation 4 years ago. You'll be much happier on your own.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:20:50

That's the sad thing Attila, he absolutely adores her, how could he do this to her as well as me? I suppose he just never thought he'd get caught.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:21:17

you uncovering stuff and screenshotting or taking copies makes no difference to any money - he will have to pay you what the CSA state - you having proof of any shenanigans will make absolutely no difference. I wold want the car you are paying for in your own name though. And if you are selling it the debt needs to be cleared doesn't it?

EirikurNoromaour Fri 31-Jan-14 19:27:01

If you have the logbook you can sell the car while he's out. Advertise on gumtree secretly and arrange viewings while he's at work. You can forge his signature on the v5.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 19:34:35

surely that is illegal?

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:34:55

Can't even do that Erikur as it is SORN/untaxed so is parked off the road at this place of work.

AnneElliott Fri 31-Jan-14 19:35:45

I agree you can just forge his signature. I did this with DH as he was out when the crazy woman came to collect the car- and she insisted on having it straight away.

Sorry you are going through this OP

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 19:36:14

Frankly, the car feels like the least of my worries anyway.

drspouse Fri 31-Jan-14 19:37:06

If you took out a loan to buy the car was it not agreed with the bank that was what it was for?

In which case you can prove you've paid for the car.

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