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I don't know how to deal with this

(115 Posts)
Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 17:59:56

The short version: Looks like OH has been contacting if not meeting prostitutes

The long version: a while ago, due to a Mumsnet thread about Adultwork, I noticed that OH had this on his computer. Mumsnet said LTB most vehemently, he said he had just been looking at porn, showed me some sites he frequents, said there was nothing more to it than that. I didn't LTB.

Fast forward a year and a bit and a baby later and today he went out to work leaving his laptop logged into his email. I went to shut everything down but some spidey sense tingled just as I was about to close it and I started to nose.

A few hours of reading and hacking into various email acounts later and I got into his Adult work account which appears to be one of many sites he uses including ordinary dating sites. Turns out he's been emailing 'escorts' trying to arrange one hour 'out calls'? including when he went away for a course when DD was only a few weeks old.

I don't know how to handle this. Our DD is only 7 months old for christsake.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Fri 31-Jan-14 18:08:51

LTB and get yourself checked for STDs.

akawisey Fri 31-Jan-14 18:11:27

You do know how to handle this. You can and you will survive. Life without this man won't, CAN'T be worse than life with him.

I wouldn't bother gathering evidence and all of that - why should you? Just tell him it's over, find someone in RL to share the load for a while and post here.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:11:47

I don't see how you could ever forgive this? Sti check is totally necessary then CSA surely.

Sorry - awful discovery.

Juliaparker25 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:12:26

Agreed ..............this guy is a health hazard

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:13:05

I will hand hold with you, my partner confessed to using prostitutes 2 months ago.
But do get checked out and I am sorry you are going through this .

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 18:14:53

He pulled the wool over your eyes once. You have evidence now.
So hurtful especially knowing it was occurring when dc was so tiny.... It's living a lie.
Think of yourself and dc and get yourself checked out.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:16:46

I know but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I've got nothing, nowhere to live, no financial help, we're not married so I'll get nothing, even my bloody car is in his name. If it weren't for my Mum I'd be completely homeless but me a baby, a massive dog and two cats can't stay with her for very long! I'm on maternity leave and I'm still waiting to find out if I've even got a job to go to. I know he will pay virtually fuck all via CSA, he's self employed and has got previous for this with his teenage son.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:18:53

I'm waiting for him to get home from work but I don't know where to even start or what to say. I know I can't stay with him but it's a frightening prospect suddenly becoming a lone parent with a tiny baby,

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:20:09

Thanks for the hand hold NK3, god knows I need it. The irony is he never wants to have sex with me.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:21:56

do you live in rented or owned house? Why is your car in his name? Did you pay for it?

Yes it is frightening, but it is even worse living with a man who uses prostitutes and clearly has so little respect for women. He has form for not paying child maintenance?

PopiusTartius Fri 31-Jan-14 18:21:58

You just take it one day at a time, love.

What's your housing situation at the moment?

rainbowfeet Fri 31-Jan-14 18:29:18

My 1st move when he got home would be to ask him to leave while you sort your head out, do not let him make you leave!! Then I would Make an appointment with the CAB to talk through your options. & rights, followed by a trip to the clinic to be tested as previous posters have said. You can't deal with everything straight away all in one go.. Small steps.
Have you a friend or family member who could sit with you tonight or over the weekend?

Hugs. & good luck x thanks

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:32:52

The house is owned by his parents and we pay them a much lower than market rent. I used to pay half but haven't been since I've been on maternity leave.

I bought the one car from him and we didn't change the name on it yet but it is a sports car so I can't fit the baby in it so it is parked up at the moment the plan being to sell it. He bought me a cheap car to use so that is in his name too.

My housing status is imminently homeless sad I know my Mum will ALWAYS take me in but with three dogs and three cats between us plus me, her and a baby, it's not any sort of long term solution. There just isn't room. Rents are utterly extortionate where I live, I don't know what I'm going to do.

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 18:33:21

So sorry. It must be awful to be in your situation.

I remember your previous thread.

First things first - get RL support now. Then make an appointment for STDs and arrange to see your local CAB for advice.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:34:45

I can't ask him to leave, it's HIS house. I can't believe that at the grand old age of 31 I've got nothing. Not a damn thing to my name but a few bits of furniture. Even my iphone contract his paid by him as it was a christmas present.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:36:57

I've got a beautiful DD, mustn't lose sight of that. Not really what I wanted for her start in life but I'll make damn sure I do the best I possibly can for her.

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 18:37:16

All the more reason to get advice from CAB so that you know where you stand. I am sure you will be eligible for benefits and tax credits as a single parent.

MissScatterbrain Fri 31-Jan-14 18:37:51

Can you contact a local housing association to see if they can help.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:41:13

Yes, I'll get on to it all first thing Monday. CAB, STD check (can't believe I've got to go through that indignity) housing then HMRC for tax credit info. Anything else I need to do?

Could really do with getting rip roaring drunk but I'm in charge of a baby so no booze for me. Not that it would really help matters I suppose.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 31-Jan-14 18:41:29

How quickly could you push to sell the sports car, making sure the money goes to you? Any other money you can quickly squirrel away, along with copies of his earnings for CSA later?

Am aghast that you bought a car off your own partner... The "partnership" element definitely seems to be missing. So many things you mention complete the "entitled arse" picture.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:42:22

Although HA houses/flats are like hens teeth around here so I'm bloody glad I've got my Mum to fall back on or I'd be in a grotty B&B.

Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 18:44:04

Have no idea about his earnings as he's self employed.

EekyBeaky Fri 31-Jan-14 18:44:08

One step at a time - the bigger picture can be all too overwhelming. Sending you love and strength x

WhoNickedMyName Fri 31-Jan-14 18:44:40

In your situation I'd keep quiet for a while and try and sort out the practicalities.

Get an STI test.

Photocopy his payslips/bank statements, etc.

Get the sports car sold - put the money in your own account. Get the phone contract put into your own name. Get him to sign the car over to you - bullshit him that it makes your insurance cheaper or something.

Every time you do a shop, buy extra food/nappies/etc and store them at your mums. Get yourself on the housing list. Consider rehoming the pets. Squirrel away as much money as you can.

On the day you're actually ready to leave invent some reason why you will need his bank card and PIN number and go and withdraw as much cash as you can. Get a few mates, hire a van, empty the house if as much as you can... Bed, sofas, kitchen stuff.

Go, don't say a word, let him come home to an empty house and simply leave a copy of screenshots of all of his online activities.

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