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DP to do DVPP - what does this mean for me / my DC?

(61 Posts)
MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 12:30:56

Hi, name changed,
My DP had been going through the court system to regain contact with his DC. He and his ex argued and threw things at each other etc. it was an unhealthy relationship. After they split SS were involved due to something one of the DC said, but they did an assessment and were satisfied there was, and never had been any risk to DC from DP. Contact never was reinstated, and this is when he began to fight through the court system. There was also one incident of the police being called after they broke up due to an argument over the phone, again, nothing came of it.
He has never been charged with or found guilty of DV.
After over a year of going through the legal process his ex submitted a statement detailing the abuse she allegedly suffered at his hands, a statement which is inconsitebt with what she told police at the time, SS at the time, CAFCASS, etc. everyone has had a different story.
It has nonetheless been decided that he ought to attend a DVPP. He has agreed because he wants to see the DC. He had a meeting with the lady from the DVPP last week and she asked if he was in a relationship, he replied that he is and she said that she would have to contact me. He has given her my details and I'm waiting to hear from her.
Does anyone know what this means for me? What about my DC? I have DC, and DP doesn't live with us. DC adore him and are very close to him, and he adores them too. DP has never treated me as anything other than an equal, is respectful of me and treats me with kindness and love. My previous partner was abusive, and looking back the signs were there from the start, jealously, possessiveness, etc. DP is nothing like that, and despite the fact that many of you will say I should leave him, I believe him when he tells me that he is not an abusive man.

GarlicReturns Fri 31-Jan-14 23:56:14

... Mind you, everyone who knew us was convinced by his picture of me as a raging nutter! Nobody knows what happens in private ...

GarlicReturns Fri 31-Jan-14 23:54:30

Well thought through, MyPetLizard. I wish you strength & sense smile

I, too, was thinking you must have known the pair of them, and their marriage, quite well?

Monetbyhimself Fri 31-Jan-14 23:29:58

My Ex is also very clever to tell all the relevant people what an amazing mother I am. And how wonderful a person I am. It makes him look even more like a normal sane man who simply can't understand why all these nasty things are being said about him.

I'm glad you are taking a step away now OP.

mcmooncup Fri 31-Jan-14 22:40:12

Is it your belief OP that your DP acted abusively but out of character at the end of his relationship and has now changed?

Also, surely you know his ex-w if you know him so have you ever spoken to her about the 'alleged' abuse?

Hissy Fri 31-Jan-14 22:21:39

My ex would tell the world how wonderful I am. He'd wax lyrical to everyone.

Didn't mean a thing to me. I was the one that suffered 10 yrs of his poison, culminating in agoraphobia and a therapy bill.

No man is referred to a perp programme for no reason. They cost thousands.

I repeat, no non-abusive man would be ordered to attend a DV programme if they were not an abuser.

You have no fucking clue who this man is and what he's capable of.

Why even risk it? Why risk your life? That of your dc?

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 21:00:44

.. Thinking so sensibly.

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 21:00:07

Once again op, well
Done for thinl

MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 20:12:57

I still believe him.
But all your responses remind me of what I'd tell a friend in the same circumstances and as such, I ought to make him earn my trust.

MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 20:09:47

mcmooncup no I'm not
I have loved DP for as long as I remember, as my best friend all through school, and now as a partner, but my love for my DC is part of me. I don't want to, or intend to break up with DP if he remains the same man I know and love, but it is probably best if he works through the programme and any issues without it impacting upon my little family unit. We are happy now, me and the DC together, and I won't jeopardise that for a relationship. If after the DVPP we can talk about what he learned etc and he doesn't feel it was a waste of time then we can think about restarting our relationship. I think that will be the test, because even if the relationship wasn't as his ex says, he admits that he lost his temper and was aggressive (the shouting and throwing things), so he can and should take something from the programme.
We waited twenty years to become a couple, we can wait a little longer if we need to. It makes me feel sad, and I will miss the closeness we have, but I can only win surely? Either it is fine and we get back on track or its not fine and I've had a lucky escape.
I'm feeling a bit upset about it all, I think I'll have a glass of red before I have an early night.

basgetti Fri 31-Jan-14 20:02:38

But Strawberrykisses posted earlier in the thread questioning the OP confused

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 19:58:01

Op, i totally admire your last post.
i really hope it all works out for, you sound like your heart is in the right place, and that you put the kids before your relationship
Best of luck with all,
Take care xxx.

mcmooncup Fri 31-Jan-14 19:56:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 19:38:20

I will be cautious, I will talk to DP over the next week about how I need to keep my DC safe, and tell him we need to step back from our relationship while he does the DVPP. I have been his friend for a long time so I will be in contact with him, but I think I will ensure we only see each other as part of a group Etc. At the end of the day if he truly is a changed person and if the relationship really wasn't abusive as has been made out then he will be understanding. If we really love each other and want to be together then 6 months, a year, whatever, shouldn't be a problem. And if we meet other people in the meantime then clearly we weren't meant to be.
Some posters have been a little harsh to me I feel, but I appreciate that you felt you had to challenge my faith in DP. I would do the same. I just find it difficult to believe a man I have known for twenty years can have fooled me the whole time.
I love my DC more than anything in the world and I will always protect them. My DP has never so much as raised an eyebrow to them, but he will understand why I need to take time to ensure that they are growing up safely.

TeaOneSugar Fri 31-Jan-14 19:28:20

You might want to report that last post.

AmazingJumper Fri 31-Jan-14 19:19:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strawberrykisses Fri 31-Jan-14 18:00:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pan Fri 31-Jan-14 17:56:46

thanks Schmoozer - not aware of that programme.
Still your question "why would a non-abuser be referred" stands.

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 17:51:19

Domestic Violence perpetrator Programme.
Why would a non perpetrator in SS / cafcass / courts eyes be offered a place on a course like this ?????

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 17:49:46

Pan Fri 31-Jan-14 17:47:00

I'm a bit confused by this DVPP group being 'ordered' by a civil court. Who is it that actually runs it?

I ask as the woman who will contact you will be a "Womens Safety Worker" and they have a role to play where there has been a conviction and sentence in a criminal court. Are you absolutely sure he wasn't convicted? The WSW will ensure you know all of the details.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 31-Jan-14 17:46:10

OP, it sounds a bit strange that his ex has lied, accused him falsely of abuse and prevented contact with his kids when he's done nothing wrong, and yet he describes her as an amazing mum.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 31-Jan-14 17:42:08

DanceParty errm, the OP asked for opinions on what it means for her DCs. I told her how I felt about it as someone with my own DCs. You seem a bit touchy confused.

MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 17:40:01

How am I back pedalling?

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 17:36:23

Wow OP, he sounds amazing !
actually it looks like you massively backpedalling now ....
If he really is peachy clean then you have NOTHING to fear re ss involvement, your kids, his kids etc etc ....
So if he's all good, dont worry !!
However, if you are honest to yourself ask yourself why is it that you have had previous abusive relationship, and now in a relationship that has been described a abusive by the ex ????
Nothing predicts behaviour as well as past behaviour ....
I fear in this scenario this applies to you - victim
Him - perpetrator.
Time will tell,
In the meantime, I hope SS DO keep an eye on your kids wellbeing.

AnyFucker Fri 31-Jan-14 17:28:44

I can't understand why a man with such healthy ways of dealing with conflict as you paint him here would be ordered by a family court to complete a domestic violence perpetrators course.

he has you fooled, OP. You will learn this the hard way I think.

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