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DP to do DVPP - what does this mean for me / my DC?

(61 Posts)
MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 12:30:56

Hi, name changed,
My DP had been going through the court system to regain contact with his DC. He and his ex argued and threw things at each other etc. it was an unhealthy relationship. After they split SS were involved due to something one of the DC said, but they did an assessment and were satisfied there was, and never had been any risk to DC from DP. Contact never was reinstated, and this is when he began to fight through the court system. There was also one incident of the police being called after they broke up due to an argument over the phone, again, nothing came of it.
He has never been charged with or found guilty of DV.
After over a year of going through the legal process his ex submitted a statement detailing the abuse she allegedly suffered at his hands, a statement which is inconsitebt with what she told police at the time, SS at the time, CAFCASS, etc. everyone has had a different story.
It has nonetheless been decided that he ought to attend a DVPP. He has agreed because he wants to see the DC. He had a meeting with the lady from the DVPP last week and she asked if he was in a relationship, he replied that he is and she said that she would have to contact me. He has given her my details and I'm waiting to hear from her.
Does anyone know what this means for me? What about my DC? I have DC, and DP doesn't live with us. DC adore him and are very close to him, and he adores them too. DP has never treated me as anything other than an equal, is respectful of me and treats me with kindness and love. My previous partner was abusive, and looking back the signs were there from the start, jealously, possessiveness, etc. DP is nothing like that, and despite the fact that many of you will say I should leave him, I believe him when he tells me that he is not an abusive man.

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 19:58:01

Op, i totally admire your last post.
i really hope it all works out for, you sound like your heart is in the right place, and that you put the kids before your relationship
Best of luck with all,
Take care xxx.

basgetti Fri 31-Jan-14 20:02:38

But Strawberrykisses posted earlier in the thread questioning the OP confused

MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 20:09:47

mcmooncup no I'm not
I have loved DP for as long as I remember, as my best friend all through school, and now as a partner, but my love for my DC is part of me. I don't want to, or intend to break up with DP if he remains the same man I know and love, but it is probably best if he works through the programme and any issues without it impacting upon my little family unit. We are happy now, me and the DC together, and I won't jeopardise that for a relationship. If after the DVPP we can talk about what he learned etc and he doesn't feel it was a waste of time then we can think about restarting our relationship. I think that will be the test, because even if the relationship wasn't as his ex says, he admits that he lost his temper and was aggressive (the shouting and throwing things), so he can and should take something from the programme.
We waited twenty years to become a couple, we can wait a little longer if we need to. It makes me feel sad, and I will miss the closeness we have, but I can only win surely? Either it is fine and we get back on track or its not fine and I've had a lucky escape.
I'm feeling a bit upset about it all, I think I'll have a glass of red before I have an early night.

MyPetLizard Fri 31-Jan-14 20:12:57

I still believe him.
But all your responses remind me of what I'd tell a friend in the same circumstances and as such, I ought to make him earn my trust.

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 21:00:07

Once again op, well
Done for thinl

Schmoozer Fri 31-Jan-14 21:00:44

.. Thinking so sensibly.

Hissy Fri 31-Jan-14 22:21:39

My ex would tell the world how wonderful I am. He'd wax lyrical to everyone.

Didn't mean a thing to me. I was the one that suffered 10 yrs of his poison, culminating in agoraphobia and a therapy bill.

No man is referred to a perp programme for no reason. They cost thousands.

I repeat, no non-abusive man would be ordered to attend a DV programme if they were not an abuser.

You have no fucking clue who this man is and what he's capable of.

Why even risk it? Why risk your life? That of your dc?

mcmooncup Fri 31-Jan-14 22:40:12

Is it your belief OP that your DP acted abusively but out of character at the end of his relationship and has now changed?

Also, surely you know his ex-w if you know him so have you ever spoken to her about the 'alleged' abuse?

Monetbyhimself Fri 31-Jan-14 23:29:58

My Ex is also very clever to tell all the relevant people what an amazing mother I am. And how wonderful a person I am. It makes him look even more like a normal sane man who simply can't understand why all these nasty things are being said about him.

I'm glad you are taking a step away now OP.

GarlicReturns Fri 31-Jan-14 23:54:30

Well thought through, MyPetLizard. I wish you strength & sense smile

I, too, was thinking you must have known the pair of them, and their marriage, quite well?

GarlicReturns Fri 31-Jan-14 23:56:14

... Mind you, everyone who knew us was convinced by his picture of me as a raging nutter! Nobody knows what happens in private ...

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