please help me understand my "husband"

[10152530]

If I am sad & Crying, he gets Angry with me and start provoking me by saying he doesn't want to see a miserable & sad face,
If I am strong, he says I am a big head and should agree to everything he says,
If I suggest something, make plans for the family... he says I am a control freak,
Don't know who to be or how to be:(
I should have no feelings of my own and be the way he wants when he wants....!!
What a Life, not being able to Express the way you feel as & when..:(( so Sad

[laughingeyes2013]

Google "emotional abuse".

You will find your answers there.

Meanwhile, find ways to get back your confidence and grit your teeth in determination - do not let anyone, no matter who they are, take that away from you.

[pictish]

Here's what you need to understand....your husband is an emotional abuser who is crushing you to feed himself.
He enjoys bullying you and watching the results of his handiwork...it makes him feel big.

[Theimpossiblegirl]

From your post it would appear that you are married to an emotionally abusive controlling man. This is not the norm at at all and you do not have to put up with it. Your self esteem will probably be very low as a result of this and you will need strength to break free. There are many people on this forum with first hand experience of this so I hope you get the practical advice and support you need. Well done for posting, that is the first step.

[pictish]

Bet if you ask him to help out in any way, that's you "telling him what to do" yes?

[pictish]

Oh, and I'd also be willing to bet that no matter what you say, he'll complain about your tone as well.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

You need to understand that nothing that you can do will change his behaviour.

You can only change your own behaviour: so you have the choice of

1. continuing to live with his bullying of you, or
   
2. leaving him in order to live a life free from his bullying.
   

That's it I'm afraid.

He's a bully. He actually likes treating you badly. You need to leave.

[hellsbellsmelons]

You are trying to please an emotional abuser.
Nothing you do or say will please a person like this.
Start taking small steps to getting yourself back.
If he doesn't like it - then tough (easier said than done I'm sure!)

What is your home situation?
Do you work?
Do you have children?
Access to money?

[meditrina]

There is nothing complicated to understand. Your DH is behaving appallingly on a regular basis.

It is insidious, because even normal, friendly and kind people have times when they behave badly for some reason and in those circumstances it is worth finding out the reason and helping them. That's normal mutual support. But crucially it leads to apologies, active steps to fix the (often transient) underlying reason, learning from the experience and restoring a normal and healthy relationship. People make mistakes, people help them, mistake is fixed - all normal.

But that paradigm of normal behaviour doesn't apply when there is no serious attempt to make amends and when the insults are repeated. Indeed it could even be a hazard, because it can lead to the excusing of dreadful behaviour in the name of fixing things when there is patently no attempt to examine, learn and fix.

An entrenched pattern of repeated insult wears down the person on the receiving end, so they no longer see the difference between an abusive pattern and the normal occasional vicissitudes of life.

You seem to have recognised that living like this has caused you to lose sight of who you are and the life you want to be living. That is an important first step.

What do you want in your life? Does he bring any of that into it?

[wontletmesignin]

He is nothing but a bully. You will never win with this man.
You need to leave him

[10152530]

Oh thank you all so much for your prompt responses,
You have all nailed it, especially Pictish, he always comment on the tone of my voice...
Your messages will give me the courage to open up my heart and talk more freely about my life with him for past 17 years.

[10152530]

I am worried and anxious about what would this lead to...but it's time to move on I think !!!
I have been married for 17 years and have 3 children including an 18 months old baby.
I met my husband while on a weekend trip to London from France where I used to live.
After we got married, I moved to London to start a new life.
in the 17 years of marriage, we have 3 children, 2 miscarriages, a business together, a flat & a house both on mortgage.
In 2007 on the same week we moved to the new house we bought, I found out that my husband was more than flirting with my own sister (18year old) who was staying with me for a couple of months.
I asked my sister to leave as soon as she admitted to sleeping with him and stopped all contact with her until recently.
I also asked my husband for divorce. He cried and apologised and promised to change to a better husband. He made me believe in him again and blamed some of the issues we had in our marriage were down to the stress of the business and it's impact on our relationship.
I believed him at that time and thought to keep the business the new mortgaged house and the remortgage flat together,
In 2009, I lost my dad to cancer and within the 2 years I lost 2 of his brothers & 1 sister, I lost my grandma and my nan.
In 2010, I found a text from a girl who came to work in the business for only few days. in her text she was threatening my husband to call me and tell me everything between them if he doesn't pay a sum of £500 in her account by 5pm the same day!
When I confronted him with the content of the text, his main worry was why did I check his phone no more, no explanation no details...
Since then, he's been seeing this girl and flirting with many others who work in the business.
I have been so naïve not to see for myself how unfaithful he is as a husband and sex addict he is as a man.....
He managed for many years to manipulate me, cheat on me, bully me and lie to me.
Whenever I tried to speak with him to find some understanding to his behaviour and what would make him sleep with girls who work in the business and end up doing it with my own sister, the only response I get from him is that I am the one to blame for everything that went wrong in our marriage.
I tried many times to discuss the issues we have with him by admitting that I am in no way a perfect woman and that I would take some of the Blame but he keeps putting all the Blame on me only.
Along the years, I started loosing confidence in my self and believe that I could be the cause of the failure of our relationship.
Anytime I told him that I was depressed or my mood was down, he told me that I was crazy as there is no such thing as depression due to bereavement or after giving birth or miscarriage.
Every time I sought counselling and invited him along to the sessions, he managed to demonstrate himself as the cool one, the easy going man who has no issues with anyone or anything in life and that I am the one who needs help and have issues.
Therefore, I have no trust in him or in counselling as it didn't help in any way my situation, it didn't make him understand that certain things he did and does are wrong and immoral such as sleeping with your own staff and your wife's sister.
the counsellor instead tries to work on how to make me accept some of his hurtful behaviour and live with the way he is as a person.
I am left to put up with all the blame I get from him that I am the bad one in our relationship, the guilty one who provokes him to cheat on me, to assault me, manipulate me and manipulate every person (including members of my family) to dislike me.
I am worried to take any step that would make me lose my kids and lose everything I worked hard for... Knowing him very well, he is a story twister top manipulator, sweet talker.. who if I try to get help he will make me pay the price for it as he threatened many times to take revenge from me no matter what!
He will make up endless stories that I provoke him to hit me or that he was simply defending himself as I have attacked him first.
Lately, he has been telling me that this is the way life's going to be with him, he will keep sleeping with girls and does what he wants and if I don't like, it's up to me coz I can find a man for myself...
I have lost my happiness, my pride, & my dignity. I feel rejected as a woman, helpless as a mum and neglected as a wife.
As a result, I have decided to keep myself away from him in bed.
The business is not doing well at all, thus we cannot afford to divorce but living under the same roof and acting as normal couples in the eyes of the kids and friends hasn't helped me personally. I feel lonely, sad, hopeless at 44year old!
I have tried hard and long to keep the family together, to keep my kids with both their mum & dad under the same roof, but this hasn't helped me.
My son is taking his 1st year GCSE in a grammar school (I worked very hard with him to succeed entry..) and I don't want to disturb the routine my kids have in place but I need to move on with my life and get out of this "emotional & physical abusive" relationship with the minimum damage to the kids.
I don't know where to start, who to seek guidance from.
Please help with your wise advice.

[pictish]

Awwww OP I am so very sorry for you. This piece of manipulative, wily, arrogant, remorseless shit has ground you right down hasn't he?
Dear God.

My first advice is to speak to two organisations Citizen's Advice for the practical stuff, but more importantly Women's Aid, who will help you set things straight in your head that you are most certainly NOT to blame for your husband's shockingly bad behaviour...no matter what the fucker tells you.
His maltreatment of you has been severe darling, and I think you need the support and strength of WA to begin the very neccessary job of getting him out of your life for good.

[pictish]

His cheating is disgusting. His emotional and psychological abuse of you even worse!
He is a dangerous man who will think nothing of destroying you to elevate himself.
I'm no expert, but he actually reads to me like a sociopath.

[Chyochan]

This guy sounds totally toxic and I think he will destroy you if you do not get away from him.

Please try to ignore his threats, he is not as powerfull as you think, his threats are just more bullying, remember bullies are very weak people inside and he probably knows you have more power than you think and he is trying to make you believe you dont.

Do tell as many people as possible what is going on, thats friends, family, any family professionals like your GP, this will get you some support and also count as evidence if you ever need it.

[Chyochan]

Second that he seems like a sociopath,

also definatly go to Womens Aid, try to get an appointment as soon as possible.

[LEMmingaround]

WEll, it appears that you understand your husband only too well :( This is good though - what you need is some sound legal advice. One thing i can tell you, you are not gong to lose your kids. Yes there will be financial impact but with good legal back up you will be able to retreive what you put into the business and what you are entitled to. He is a vile vile pig, but you know this - you just need to get away from him and start living your life again.

[davidtennantsmistress]

Agreed totally, I think you need to get to a solicitor with a free half hour and find out the facts.

You and your children deserve better. How would you feel if your son treated his wife like this or a daughter treated like this?

[KouignAmann]

Sorry for your trouble OP. You would be very welcome on The EA Support thread where you will get lots of useful insights from the links at the top and company on your journey to freedom!

[mcmooncup]

Oh OP
What a hideous life you have put up with.
This excuse of a human is truly the pits.
He does tick all the boxes for a sociopath, possibly even psychopath.
He is a lost cause. Inevitably you need to leave otherwise your mental health will suffer further.

You say you can't afford to leave....I promise you there will be a way. If hazard a guess he spends the majority of your cash....that would simply have to stop if you filed for divorce. You will be surprised what you can live on when it's just you and your dc.
You also say you are educated....so what about your options of getting back to work?

Please don't think you have to put up with this shit for another day. There are always options. Always.

[tb]

Also, if you do decide to divorce, you will be better off if you file for divorce in the UK, rather than in France.

Just a thought.

[10152530]

Thank you all again for reading my sad life story and your valuable support.
He is a bully no doubt, he provokes you in a sneaky way and if you react with either an anger, a dislike or polite way to say you don't like.. You're the wrong one.
He keeps threatening that he will break my head one day and if I ever involve the police he will take his revenge.... I am sick worried to involve the police for him to end up making up stories and saying lies to get the social services involved and end up having my kids fostered

[wontletmesignin]

Its bad now. It cant really get much worse, can it? Involving the police can only help.
Please dont let his silly threats prevent you from seeking the help you need to escape from him.

[10152530]

I have also asked him to leave despite the financial difficulties but he refuses and asks me to do it instead and leave the kids behind