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When a man fucks up.....

(50 Posts)
ohcrikey21 Thu 30-Jan-14 18:56:01

would you expect him to come up with how to fix it? Or work on it together? Or tell him what you want him to do?

I found texts on his phone to someone else.... I can forgive but I don't want to just go back to normal.....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 30-Jan-14 18:57:16

There is no normal, there will never be a 'normal' again. Speak to him to ask about them. That will tell you what you need to do. What is your gut telling you that you want to do? Why would you forgive?

JonSnowKnowsNothing Thu 30-Jan-14 18:59:08

Depending on the content of the texts I would most likely smile sweetly as I dumped him. Life's too short for wondering how long until you're made to look foolish again.
Just my take - sorry if not helpful.

Hassled Thu 30-Jan-14 19:00:14

If anyone fucks up I'd expect them to work together to fix it.

I take it he's not grovelling then?

ohcrikey21 Thu 30-Jan-14 19:10:21

Oh he's mortified and been grovelling, it was only a couple of messages to a girl who's number he'd got on a boys night out. Pathetic sad twat was my instant reaction. After a lot of hurling abuse (me) and a lot of apologies and regret for the hurt caused (him) I do feel like I could forgive him... But I feel he should be trying to prove to me why I should have him back. He says he can't do anything to prove to me I should trust him as that will take time (true) but I still feel irritated he's not 'done' anything since. And this has highlighted some issues which were in the relationship before which I think should be addressed as part of the "if we stay together" part... I guess I am annoyed that he's not addressing them and it's going to be up to me.
Bit of a ramble. Sorry

ohcrikey21 Thu 30-Jan-14 19:12:18

He has offered to come and make me dinner, come and clean my house (I was complaining it was a mess). Said he didn't want to offer to take me away as my reaction would have been "er no" due to not wanting to share a bed so he didn't want to be insensitive (that's probably true)

Ra88 Thu 30-Jan-14 19:21:43

Have you asked him why he felt it was ok to be sending those messages ? Or giving his number out in the first place ? Was it to lead to something more than just texting

Diagonally Thu 30-Jan-14 19:25:45

I think I'd be wanting to know why he did it, what he thought might come of it, and why he thought is was acceptable to do it.

Then depending on the answers I'd want to see behaviour that indicated he was committed to addressing the above.

I'd expect him to be suggesting solutions to addressing it, too.

I don't think I'd be overly interested in acts of "reparation" like offering to buy or do something for me, either.

magoria Thu 30-Jan-14 19:26:42

To me a fuck up is a mistake. This wasn't a mistake it was his choice. A purposeful and deliberate choice to chat up another girl.

The only fuck up he made was getting caught. How far would it have gone if he wasn't caught?

As Ra88 says until he can answer why he did it and why he felt it was OK to do it when in an (I assume) exclusive relationship with you you can't trust him not to do it again.

ohcrikey21 Thu 30-Jan-14 19:27:13

He doesn't think it's ok. Tells me he thinks it was totally unacceptable and would understand if I never wanted to see him again. At first he said he didn't know why he did it and then after 12 hours of thinking came back with The fact that he was really drunk and inks he is quite insecure and liked the attention and wanted to see if she would reply even though he never had any intention of meeting up with her. (The text said 'let me know if you want to meet' )It's so so so pathetic isn't it?
Said if it would have been the other way round he'd be mortified and tells me he is disgusted and ashamed of his behaviour.... But he still did it!

Diagonally Thu 30-Jan-14 19:28:37

Oh and I certainly wouldn't expect to be working on anything "together". You didn't text anyone, did you?

JonSnowKnowsNothing Thu 30-Jan-14 19:29:23

He has offered to come and make me dinner, come and clean my house (I was complaining it was a mess)
Not a replacement for an honest chat. I can almost imagine him "come on baaaaaabe, it was nothing. Let me me make you dinner, I'll EVEN clean up."
Sorry, but her number didn't get in his phone by magic and the only thing that hurts more when a partner fucks you about, is when they fuck you about the second time. <voice of doom, I know.>

HairyGrotter Thu 30-Jan-14 19:29:40

I'd be long gone. No amount of 'action' or certain 'behaviour' could save us. My trust in someone is not given lightly, he has tossed your trust and any respect e had for you aside for his own pathetic kicks!

I read so many stories on here where the partners end up fucking up royally and lo' and behold they had done this sort of thing when their relationship started.

Life is too short to love the wrong one

Diagonally Thu 30-Jan-14 19:33:03

Well not only did he text someone but he's subsequently blatantly lied about why.

That would be game over in my book.

Hissy Thu 30-Jan-14 19:35:40

Fucking up is locking your keys in the house, forgetting to put the bins out, losing your phone/laptop/wallet.

Fucking up is NOT taking some woman's number.

Or worse actually using it to text her! FFS!

You won't trust him again.

He doesn't deserve your trust. How long have you been with him?

Bin him.

If you end this relationship over this you will show him that you won't tolerate cheating, in any form.

It may be that he truly regrets it and works day and night to win you back. Good.

It may be he does all the above and you don't want him back. Up to you. He's still going to learn a lesson not to cheat.

If you allow him to whine, simper, cry and beg for a few days, then forget/forgive all about it, then all he's going to have to do is whine and simper until you stfu and get over it.

Either way, binning is the only way forward. Any other way exposes you to letting him get away with it and do it to you again.

ohcrikey21 Thu 30-Jan-14 19:36:11

Agree jon - When I said "really? You're gonna come and make me dinner - are you kidding?" He said that he was trying to think of a way to get closer to me so he could talk to me.

hairy that is my worry too. At this stage we have no kids (both have from previous but don't do family things together) and most of our time is just us two, cosy, or fun etc, lots of sex and he could do that? So what happens when we hit a really rough patch..... We were serious and talking about future, living together in the future etc....

ohcrikey21 Thu 30-Jan-14 19:38:19

diagonally - what do you mean by him lying about why? I think when he said "I don't know" he meant it and when I said "we'll you better figure out why" I think he went away and that's when he came back wi the insecure thing.

HairyGrotter Thu 30-Jan-14 19:38:39

Cut your losses and run before it gets really shitty. He has shown his true self, take heed and lave him out to pasture

Hissy Thu 30-Jan-14 19:41:03

We were serious and talking about future, living together in the future etc....

YOU were serious. Him? Not so much.

this is not the man for you love, move on, you deserve better, and your DC deserve to see you with someone who values you more.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 30-Jan-14 19:51:30

Seriously - why bother?

You have not invested too much yet, why give him more of yourself when he is not worth it.

Yes, a relationship needs trust, but he broke it. You don't learn to give it again.

Tinks42 Thu 30-Jan-14 20:52:59

Its a dump him from me too OP....

ohcrikey21 Thu 30-Jan-14 21:07:28

Why bother?
(Actually can't believe I am writing this)
Because I love him and I think it was a one off and I believe he loves me too.

God, even I think I sound like a mug.

JonSnowKnowsNothing Thu 30-Jan-14 21:09:34

Because I love him and I think it was a one off and I believe he loves me too.
May I tentatively suggest this translates to "I'm scared/don't want to be alone so will settle for being treated like a mug rather than be single?

Fairenuff Thu 30-Jan-14 21:10:27

Ok, say for a moment you believe his 'I was drunk' excuse for chatting up a woman, flirting with her, getting her number...

In the calm light of day, the next morning, you would him expect to be horrified at his drunken behaviour, delete the number straight away and have no further contact with her.

But he didn't. He went ahead and got in touch with her when he was stone cold sober.

And when you asked him why, initially he couldn't think up a lie quick enough so he just said 'I don't know'. This was the only answer he could possibly give because the truth would be, 'I wanted to shag her'.

You sent him away to think about it and he came up the genius 'I'm insecure and wanted attention'. So not only is he lying to you, he also thinks you're stupid.

No wonder you are irritated with him. You'll never be able to trust this one, I say let him go, it's a lucky escape.

ohcrikey21 Thu 30-Jan-14 21:14:36

Not trying to excuse him but the text was late at night when drunk. I asked the "why not delete the number" when he (as he said) woke up and was mortified at what he'd done. He says he never deletes any texts... But apparently had no intention of ever texting her back.

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