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Why me?!?

(31 Posts)
MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 12:56:44

Relationship ended over Christmas as I found out he was seeing another woman.

Went our separate ways, all seemed fine until I missed my period so did a pregnancy test. It was positive, made contact with him to tell him etc. He wants me to have an abortion so it doesn't ruined his fantastic new relationship (his exact words). I thought about it before telling him as I don't want anything to do with him. Now I'm thinking that maybe I want to keep the baby. I told him this as he's saying he won't have anything to do with me or the baby. I know id struggle financially.

Any advice on what to do?

SirRaymondClench Fri 31-Jan-14 11:48:25

You need to stop thinking about this arsehole, his gf and anything else to do with him and concentrate on you and this baby if you want to have it.
You seem to be focussing on making him pay and your so called friend dropping it into conversation when she saw this OW? hmm well that part sounds very teenage to me.
If you want this baby then focus on that and forget this dickhead. Let him get on with his life and don't contact him again. Let the CSA deal with him and you get on with this bub.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 31-Jan-14 11:10:52

ALittleStranger says it perfectly. You cannot unilaterally choose to exclude the father from the baby's life. Both he and the child will have a say, whether you like it or not. Anyone who says he is immaterial is being naive.

Having said that, it is absolutely your decision whether or not to continue with the pregnancy, you do not have to listen to his opinions on this.

Good luck.

Lavenderhoney Fri 31-Jan-14 10:56:49

You have to put him out of your mind to make a decision. Whether he stays with ow or not, or gets another etc, moves on, forget it for now. You can't see into the future wrt him.

The question is, do you want to have a baby? No one can choose for you. Have you seen a gp? Do you work and could afford childcare? He will have to contribute. Forget about him and your friend certainly didn't tell by mistake. He's not going to come back, by the sound of it, and his charm less comments say you don't need to have any more to do with him.

Could you cope with having a termination? And afterwards? Its very difficult for you as you are dealing with the relationship breakdown as well.


TwittyMcTwitterson Thu 30-Jan-14 22:00:54

I'm probably not going to be liked for this comment as it is a little heartless but fuck him.

If you want to keep the baby, then do so. His opinions are of no concern to you. It's your body. Your baby.

I'm not a single mother tho I feel like one at times. You will always have enough money. I personally don think babies cost much apart from setting up home. Which also can be done cheaply. Childcare is what costs.

From his immaturity and downright callousness towards you, you are better off not having him in YOUR baby's life. You can do it alone. What's more, you'll be a great mum because you'll love your baby more than you loved him and more than you ever thought you could love anything.

You have the power to be a great mum. Screw him belt him rot.

Congratulations too xx

ALittleStranger Thu 30-Jan-14 21:51:57

You need to make decisions based on worst case scenarios, as they are the most likely I'm afraid.

Do not imagine you will get much financial support from him. Even with the CSA involved you might get a pittance. Can you manage finanically alone?

You cannot be huffy about him or the OW seeing the baby, if you have it. He might well decide he wants contact. It's his child too and you have to accept the implications of that when you choose to have a child with him. Can you do that?

You also need to reassess your support network. I agree with others that your "friend" did not tell her accidentally. You can't even be 12 weeks pregnant yet, why is she blurting it out to strangers. Can you raise this child if your support network turns out to be crap drama queens?

I think what worries me is your OP reads like one motivation for having a baby is to screw him over.

CandyJournal Thu 30-Jan-14 17:57:26

MyLifesAMess - Do you want to keep the baby?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 30-Jan-14 17:52:28

What Hissy said and DCRBye. I really think you need to think about the potential child in all this, OP, as well as how it impacts on you. If you're struggling financially, having a baby will not help you with that. You will NOT have control of whether your ex introduces his other partners to the child as much as you might think. He will always be a potential stick of dynamite.

Can you talk to some RL friends who know you? Who won't try to stir or fill your head full of 'a baybeee... squee' nonsense claptrap before you've even decided your course of action.

Wish you the best, you have a tough decision ahead of you. Get support for you whilst you make it.

mcmooncup Thu 30-Jan-14 16:07:05

Never mind what HIS position is. It's obvious he's not going to be of any assistance except some pittance of CSA support.

So what about YOUR situation? Do you have a job? Any other dc? How old are you?
Is this what you wanted?

Sorry to sound harsh but there seems too much chat about him and the effect on him. I guarantee the effect on him and his relationship
Is irrelevant. However the impact on your life is immeasurable. Please make sure you understand the impact on YOUR life.

Hissy Thu 30-Jan-14 15:58:53

do you REALLY want to inflict this much of a tosser of a dad onto a child you will love with every fibre of your being?

Let me tell you that this is the hardest thing on earth, to know that you chose a complete wanker for your DC.

If you are in anyway unsure as to how you would manage to do this, then think through all the options you have and see which works best FOR YOU.

You don't have to go through with this, and certainly not to spite him! If you have a child it would -somehow- tie you to him for life.

People like him don't deserve you in their lives, under any circumstances. If he did decide to insist on contact, he'd get it and he and his DP would be unsupervised. You would have little or no choice in the matter.

Do you really want this man in your life for the rest of your days?

Think very carefully about your life and how you want this to affect you.

Regardless of your decision, I support you entirely and wish you all the best and hope that all goes well.

Cabrinha Thu 30-Jan-14 15:38:08

Your friend didn't tell her by accident at all. Don't be naïve about that. If you go ahead with this pregnancy, you will undoubtedly have stress with regards to the situation with the father - keep your dignity and stay right away from feeding stuff to the OW via your friend.

Try if you are not sure yet about your decision.

And if there is a financial element to your decision, do not base it on expecting anything from the father.

But at the same time, remember that he will be able to have contact if he wants it, and you will have no control over OW being with him. I don't want to be a doomsayer, bit you need to realistic about that.

Good luck.

PedantMarina Thu 30-Jan-14 15:22:47


Gone are the days when the fallen woman would do the decent thing and throw herself in the Thames, I'm sure he's thinking.

Congratulations! Teeny baby toes to nibble. Teeny babybum to pat. Well jell.

kazza446 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:40:00

If it helps you to make a decision I found myself unexpectedly pregnant last year and was in a real quandary. My situation is different to yours in that I'm married and in stable relationship but I did have similar concerns to you in relation to money etc. I considered a termination but after speaking to friends who had had one, not one of them could tell me that they never regretted it. I carried my baby for 9 months consciously knowing I didn't want him. I was supported by mh team and dreaded him being born. Once he was born my maternal instincts kicked in straight away and I fell in love with the little fella. All my concerns with money and my career etc now don't matter. My little one brings so much love. We will never be rich with money but will be rich in love. Bugger your ex. He sounds like a prize twat tbh. You are best out of it, especially if a baby is comingalong. Don't be swayed by his lack of support. Have your baby, enjoy it and screw him for all that you can!! Big hug xx

MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:36:16

That's my other issue to consider

I don't want him to see the baby (if he decides to) with her around or even on his own to start with.

DCRBye Thu 30-Jan-14 13:34:55

Try and make the decision as if he did not exist. You might be feeling swayed (either thinking of keeping it to lure him back or thinking of not keeping it to follow his wishes).

It's a lifetime decision for YOU. Try and remember though if you have a baby with someone it often ties them to you for life. He may say now he wants nothing to do with it but might claim visitation later.

Picture him taking your baby for weekends at his new lace with the OW? It might not be the best situation for you.

I am so sorry for you OP


MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:34:45

He bloody needs to pay for it! His excuse when I asked was I can't afford a baby, my car and the new flat I'm renting

Tonandfeather Thu 30-Jan-14 13:32:13

I'm grinning at your friend "accidentally dropping it into the conversation" that you're pregnant. Not good if you didn't want her blurting out your personal business, but marvellous if you're okay with that and it put this woman wise to the fact he was having sex with you both.

It's great that it sounds like he'll have to pay for the child he conceived. Quite right.

Expect bluster about DNA tests and the like. His only defense to his girlfriend is likely to be that he didn't have sex with you and you must have had sex with someone else. Some women believe that crap. I hope she's not one of them, but the signs aren't promising up to now because she's involved with a known liar isn't she?

Bogeyface Thu 30-Jan-14 13:29:56

He wishes you werent around because then he wouldnt have to deal with the car crash he has made of his life!

I agree with asking your friends to stay out of it. It is your business not theirs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Jan-14 13:29:04

That's good. FWIW a friend of mine has a 15yo DD who has never once met her birth father but who has been supported financially via CSA since she was born. The DD seems fairly uninterested in him.

MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:26:41

I've stayed out of the relationship and really couldn't care about if me being pregnant ruins it.

My best mate has stayed out of it & never meant to tell her but did

MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:25:10

I honestly don't think he'll change .. He's told me he wishes me and the baby were dead etc

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Jan-14 13:24:48

Stay well out of his new relationship and ask your friends to do the same thing. You're the injured party here, you don't need the aggravation, and it'll be better to retain the moral high ground, keep your distance and put everything through the CSA. He, on the other hand, has a world of trouble heading his way whatever happens next.

sebsmummy1 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:21:28

Yep, once you start to try and claim benefits (assuming you do of course!) they will want to know who the father is.

I suspect once he realises you are keeping the child he will change his mind about visitation etc and maintenance will probably be sorted out between the two of you amicably.

MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:20:29

Fabulous that makes the decision more my way. I didn't want to have a baby and not be able to provide for it.

His new girlfriend knows as my best mate knows her and accidentally dropped it into conversation when she bumped into her - not at all good

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Jan-14 13:19:31

CSA Helpline
Telephone: 0845 713 3133

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Jan-14 13:17:33

You don't have to be married to someone to claim maintenance in the UK at least. They don't even have to be on the birth certificate. You tell CSA who the father is and I think your ex would have to prove he wasn't... not the other way around.

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