Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Let's talk about sex baby

(63 Posts)
HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 10:02:57

Apologies but i can't find anywhere else to mention this.

Have been with new man 3 months now, we have sex about ooh 4-5 times a week if we can and it's great.

He's VWE which is great too but the other week I wanted to try spooning which I found amazing but then he wanted the normal deep penetration hard and fast sex. I get the feeling he likes the hard, fast deep sex more...

Our relationship outside the bedroom is great too, we're quite well matched there and both of us say sex between us is the best ever at 42 years old each.

Also we use things to spice it up, the odd bit of dress up, sex toys (just recently started to use those 2) - is that ok so early on?

Any ideas?

Joysmum Thu 30-Jan-14 10:08:55

It's vital that all couples communicate fully and cranky about what they do and don't like.

You need to explain that shallower and slower penetration stimulates different areas which is more pleasurable to you and sometimes that hard and fast can be too hard and fast.

Yes, some men may be selfish in their 'loving' but most want to please so explaining what pleases you and why is the training he needs to turn him into your perfect lover.

Likewise, he needs to do the same for you, explain what he likes and why. This will allow you to be more confident in pleasing him. If there are things he likes that you don't, or things you like that he does, that's normal. Not everybody likes the same things! What you can do though is very good at doing the things you both like so each person feels fulfilled and satisfied wink

Joysmum Thu 30-Jan-14 10:09:23

Wtf??? Cranky = fully!!!

christmasnamechange Thu 30-Jan-14 10:18:48

Sorry I am not sure what question you are asking!

HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 10:34:10

christmas - just how to improve our sex life!

Generally in the past I've gone along with explaining but I almost feel with this one (Aries if that matters!) he's big on sex (wants it, talks about it a lot etc) and likes that I am similar (high sex drive, talk about it a lot etc).

But I think in previous relationships it has been easier to tell the man what to do or I've drifted along.

with him our sex life is really important I just want to make it more so and not go off the boil so to speak!

livingzuid Thu 30-Jan-14 10:41:36

If you don't want to do something or try it in a different way then just say. He should automatically respect that and adapt. 3 months is more than enough time to say what you do and don't want to do in bed. What is your hesitation in saying you want something different?

If he at all puts up a fuss or is focused on his own gratification then he's not the right man.

As for sex toys again so long as you are comfortable with it then amount of time together is irrelevant.

If you aaren't comfortable with it though and you aren't comfortable in saying so to him then that's a different story entirely.

livingzuid Thu 30-Jan-14 10:43:31

I meant to say a good sex life is what you both want and not you trying to keep up with him. Not sure which one this is?

christmasnamechange Thu 30-Jan-14 10:47:38

Your 3 months in - you should be having fun! Sorry, but surely this should be the dicovery time, not the try and improve things time and worry about going off of the boil.

Try things, yes do talk but it can be fun to talk it doesn´t have to be left a bit right a bit, etc.

Ok, assuming you are serious, how advaturous are you both, and do you know where you would be comfortable?

sounds a little like you are looking for more intamacy and bonding during sex and he is look for more rampant, fast, sex? Personally I think both have a place in a good relationship.

Dressing up, toys, role play etc do have there place in relationship providing you BOTH enjoy them.

I might be reading something that is not meant to be there but are you maybe feeling a little like you have to do certain things and be more adventurous than you are maybe ready for?

3months is a bit early to start swing from the rafters in pvc if you don´t really know him and feel totally comfortable and trusting yet.

Ok, try this what is you really want

HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 10:55:00

christmas - that is just it - we DO have fun and lots of it.

Yes, it started off all adventurous and now I want to slow that side down. he is happy re that.

we have discussed being adventurous/comfortable etc and what we would and would not do. In fact in almost too much detail.

now it's gone off that and I don't know whether to be confused or just ok with it.

HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 10:56:51

living - he just right now seems to call the shots eg when he likes sex.

He is not keen in the morning I quite like it then. He is very keen on the mad, wild sex but I like to mix it up.

When he does that sort of sex he calls it "Barry White romantic sex" - in fact he's very up on all the kinds of sex there is but he does tend to take over in bed.

NaffOrf Thu 30-Jan-14 11:03:12

My spidey senses are telling me that he is quite a selfish lover and doesn't really give a fuck what you want.

If he 'calls the shots' and if you are 'going along with it', then something ain't right.

christmasnamechange Thu 30-Jan-14 11:05:49

Ok, so what I think you are saying is that your are not happy with the status quo?

Do you like him?

If so then you have GOT to talk to him! Don´t be ok with it if your not ok, don´t be puzzeled either just tell him.

The time of day thing is difficult and involves some time and compromise from both of you.

Lots of guys can´t tell the difference between sex and making love or ramantic sex as you DP calls it. to them it is the same act, you need to explain in a way he understands that its not all the same, and you would like to keep romantic sex on the menu, not as a occassional house special.

I´m over 10 years down the line from you and sex is now a huge issue in our relationship and to be frank I would happily not have sex at all at this point as I get very little enjoyment out of it and its become a way for DH to make me feel guilty and shit basically. PLEASE do not let your self end up in my position. TALK to him, explain, tell him, and find your happy compromises.

Go for it have fun, dress up, use toys, have romps when you cant get enough of each other, quickies, etc, but also have romantic sex.

HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 11:34:04

Naff - this is partly down to our living arrangements.

I have my own flat - he stays over as and when and we get hotels sometimes (because I can't be bothered using my flat as a bolthole all the time and also had people stay with me recently).

I have not been down to his place at all yet - seaside (but he has invited me) - so we have had some weekends at my place but not many, more romantic nights in.

He is not selfish generally and doesn't seem that way in bed but it seems - with times etc that's the way it is, hurried.

HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 11:36:23

christmas - you've hit the nail on the head.

I just fear I'm turning into a sex toy/kitten - with the wham bam thank you ma'am side of things for him! and I don't want that!

He is actually amazingly considerate, loving, very much into kissing when I don't feel like sex (or he doesn't) but i feel because he is a stronger character and more extrovert than I am sometimes overwhelmed.

But I will speak up for myself and get the romance back on track! He's not some rampant beast but I think I need to remind him!

NaffOrf Thu 30-Jan-14 11:57:40

OK, well I hope it all works out. FWIW 'deep penetration hard and fast sex' is not 'the normal'. It's just one way. And it's not necessarily the way that will lead to the best orgasms for women.

If there's even the slightest whiff of him treating you as a sex toy, you should be very very careful, imho.

Joysmum Thu 30-Jan-14 12:10:30

Sounds yo me this man needs to be trained and you could have done gun in the process grin

Many men believe hard and fast is what pleases us as well as showing off their own virility.

It's up to you to explain that only the uneducated fuck, the educated in committed relationships learn how to make love.

I differentiate because my DH and I like both. We love the toys and the dressing up to satisfy animal passion and lust, but there is nothing more satisfying than a long and lazy night if love making and the closeness that brings. A mix of both is great and has meant that (coming up for 20 years on) we have an active, regular and very fulfilling sex life. We certainly aren't bored with each other thank goodness, but I put that down to training (as I call it). Being utterly confident in expressing what you do and don't like, what you might like and what is a complete no no.

Only be complete honesty can you hope to explore and develop your sexuality do you both grow to be the perfect fit for many years to come.

Joysmum Thu 30-Jan-14 12:11:04 many typos blush

Tonandfeather Thu 30-Jan-14 12:12:45

This sounds like the sort of one-dimensional sex preferred by guys who use a lot of porn.

It gets boring and unfulfilling after a while - and typical of guys who have no real sexual imagination.

WowserBowser Thu 30-Jan-14 12:17:35

I agree with Ton It sounds like sex with one of my exs. It was very porn style sex, where obviously that is more about the woman being present to please the man.

HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 12:19:45

Naff - that's the thing. I do other stuff, HE does other stuff. He doesn't just like it one way.

We do a variety of positions and I suppose are just getting to know what pleases each other. But he and I like that sort of sex (orgasm reasons wink.

he has a lot of real sexual imagination but I guess for now he thinks I like it that way (as well as the others) and I do but I want more out of it.

HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 12:21:28

Joysmum you're right - he is actually pretty damned perfect but when younger he used to rush and not take his time (and was trained).

now he takes his time, we do lots in bed but he has a tendency to take over. I tend (apart from last boyfriend) to pick men like this - who are alpha males in bed.

Guess I need to train him up.

Joysmum Thu 30-Jan-14 12:22:19

So you tell him and if he want to please you you'll get more. If you tell him and he doesn't take to his training then I'd agree with wowser and hello.

You won't know until you start expressing yourself though.

HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 12:22:33

Just for clarification - we do not do it always the way I first stated!!! eg deep and hard and fast.

we do other ways!!!

Just that's the way I/he liked it first off. and he/I got a kick out of that.

livingzuid Thu 30-Jan-14 12:25:43

OP I think you just need to tell him. It's quite selfish for him to take over in bed all the time tbh. It also sounds like porn sex which is fine once in a while but yawn if too often!

The alternative is you switching it up when he decides to go all porn star on you and you take the control back. Go on top etc, just surprise him but you dictate the position and become more assertive don't keep following his lead. You set the pace. If he is anything like a decent bloke he will be thrilled.

Tonandfeather Thu 30-Jan-14 12:31:35

Some of this depends on your own sexual responses and needs. You might find it relatively easy to orgasm quickly (just as well by the sounds of it) but for many people, quick orgasms aren't the most fulfilling kind - and definitely not all the time.

He might be one of those guys who thinks "She came, so the sex must be good for her"

Which is partially what I meant about no sexual imagination. Some guys really do think they are hot in the sack if a woman orgasms. Not necessarily true.

Try to work out what you DO want and give some consideration to how much your sex goggles might be blinding you to things that will really bore and irritate you further down the line.

I'd be going to his place more too - because this doesn't sound very much like a relationship, but a sexual arrangement always at your place or in hotels. Fine if that's all you want, but it doesn't sound like it if you regard this as a "romance".

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now