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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Feeling rejected by the DH

18 replies

Sammy321 · 30/01/2014 08:36

My DH has taken to watching a lot a porn on his phone I don't mind this when I'm not in or he's working away but recently I've noticed he's been watchin it while I've been in the house. This really gets to me he came home yest from working away came in the house and said I'm going to the bathroom didn't give me a kids hug nothing when he come back down I looked and he'd watched it while upstairs we have 3 children none of them was here so why not ask me for "a bit" why would he rather watch it than have me?? I'm going to try and talk to him tonight but really don't know how to start the conversation was going to use his phone and "find it" then mention it then also I know I'm going to become angry is this ok as I know it will cause an arguement? But I found last night I couldn't even talk to him let alone kiss him good night he kept asking what was a matter I said nothing as I was going to see if he does the same today... Bit of back ground I'm 28 he's 31 3 kids 9,6 and 9 month thanks for any advice in advance.

OP posts:

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rainbowsmiles · 30/01/2014 09:54

Sorry but in my book that is wierd. You think he's straight upstairs for a wank as soon as he gets in????? I would not be going ballistic I'd be pointing him in the direction of the gp for an addiction therapy referral. He has problems.

Joysmum · 30/01/2014 10:14

You're doing the right thing by confronting this sooner rather than later.

There's something very wrong if he prefers porn to a warm and willing partner.

You need to explain that you think it's affecting your sex life and how that makes you feel. That you'd rather he approached you first if feeling horny and porn only if yours not in the mood but he's depriving you and making you feel rejected.

Good luck.

Jan45 · 30/01/2014 10:38

Sorry but how insensitive could he be, sounds like he has an addiction and could do with some help.

Overthinkerzzz · 30/01/2014 10:40

How do you know he was having a wank?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2014 10:48

I don't know what he's doing running off to the bathroom but are you sure it's porn all the time? Because to me it sounds like he's got a more live participant, as it were. Sexting or similar.

pumpkinsweetie · 30/01/2014 10:49

Porn is okay, but when it interferes with your relationship, it is never okay.

I would talk to him tonight and get to the point that this behaviour is not on!

Keepithidden · 30/01/2014 10:53

Hi Sammy, does your DH know that he has a choice between you and having a wank? It is not unknown for me to sneak off to "scratch the itch" when I know that DW isn't in the mood.

Using porn could be lazy, could be an addiction, could be simply he hasn't thought of another option. If you'd like to know, you have to ask, though I would say the two are not automatically linked and jumping to that conclusion could complicate matters for you (and him).

Could you have a think about why you're angry too? Is it the rejection of you? Is it him using porn? Is it him masterbating? Once you nail the reasoning behind it, it'll make the talk that follows easier.

Jan45 · 30/01/2014 11:10

For me, porn would only be a tool to use when the real thing wasn't around, sounds like he's been using it a lot and it's now a bit of an addiction, i.e., even when you are around he's on it.

Sorry but for me whether it caused an argument or not, I would find this extremely distasteful as well as insulting but we are all different and have different levels of acceptance.

neiljames77 · 30/01/2014 11:30

I'm inclined to agree with Cog.
Nobody is THAT desperate for a pull.

Tonandfeather · 30/01/2014 11:41

You started a thread on Tuesday about this:

here

I thought you got good advice on it.

Joysmum · 30/01/2014 11:59

The word 'addiction' comes up a lot on this forum in relation to porn. I don't think that there is as much addition ad this forum would have us believe, I think it's more that people are choosing porn more but not addiction which makes it more serious but easier to solve.

Other than that, I agree with Jan.

Keepithidden · 30/01/2014 14:39

I agree Joysmum, I tend to view it in a similar way to cannabis (bear with me!) millions use it on a semi regular/regular basis, a few (tens of?) thousand of those go over the top with it and struggle to stop.

Addiction implies a complete lack of self control, in reality I think it's more a case of not wanting to exert self control.

Sammy321 · 30/01/2014 15:17

Thank u all yes I started thread about it the other day but when he did that yesterday it set me off again :( I don't know for sure he was "wanking" to it but his history consisted of that n Facebook maybe just watching it? But still I don't like the idea while I'm downstairs...he's come into today n gave me a kiss n then went to get in the bath leaving his phone downstairs. going to have the talk tonight hopefully I don't think it's addiction as such not that I'm an expert in it or anything.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 30/01/2014 15:42

It's really not on to be using porn upstairs when your kids are downstairs. As regards yesterday - what turned him on on the way home? Is he sexting? If he's been on FB have you checked his messages?

Tonandfeather · 30/01/2014 16:44

There sure is a misunderstanding of what an addiction is on parts of this forum.

From Addiction Today:

"Addiction is characterised by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioural control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviours and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response."

Having to use porn as soon as possible even when there are children around - would certainly fit the above definition.

But then again so would having to contact a new sex partner, to which there was also an addiction.

ageofgrandillusion · 30/01/2014 17:05

Well it could be an addiction, then again he could just be a selfish twat. Im inclined to think the latter.

Tonandfeather · 30/01/2014 17:12

People are capable of being addicts AND selfish. There is no logic to thinking someone has to be one thing or another.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/01/2014 17:46

Hello again I am sorry this is now playing on your mind. You're not likely to relax until you pick a moment and talk. From his point of view he may have convinced himself he is actually being considerate by giving you space since DC3 arrived. "Not pestering" may have turned into "not bothering" so if you feel neglected or overlooked, tell him.

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