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Found the perfect man, but...

(69 Posts)
LizzieBelle Wed 29-Jan-14 16:02:44

Well, where do I start? I met a truly lovely kind sweet guy (P) who was in a marriage but separated, and has been for a few years. He's also in the process of moving out to a flat which is taking time.

I don't normally go after married men, but I took him at face value and chose to believe what he said to me. Please don't judge me just yet, his wife is fully aware that he sees me. I pursued P and we went out a couple of times before having a boozy night out, when he asked me what I wanted from him. I told him straight, that I liked him and was prepared to only see him once or twice a month if that was all he could manage. That night we had our first kiss. He feels guilty that he has a family and wife even though they are apart and he is moving away. He leads a separate life from his family in the fact that he goes on holidays and has Sunday lunch at each parents house etc, but also has holidays and W/E's alone. I ask him about going away with him and he says he can't do that.

This has been going on for 9 months now, and it is a platonic relationship apart from kissing. I give him lots of space, and don't enquire about family matters, I just want to make the little time we have nice when we are together. Last time I saw him after New Year, he asked me if 'I had met anyone nice'!! WTF! No. I said, I'm with you...

So, I have been getting down about the whole situation and not seeing a 'perfect end'. I recently cancelled a lunch date (his wife doesn't like him seeing me in the evening, and we respect that wish) and I am trying to act cooler towards why, now I have backed off, HE is the one wanting to see me more, yet when I want more he backs away!!

I just don't get men. What do you think I should do...Please don't flame me...I just want to be in a loving relationship, but not at all costs

Yozora Sun 02-Feb-14 13:50:51

Oops made myself sound like a man there, I meant to add "as humans we all have flaws..." etc.

Yozora Sun 02-Feb-14 13:49:48

I'm not going to even try to form an opinion on his marriage because I don't know the whole story and I won't assume whether or not he's lying.

But I will say that this sounds more like an escape for him, someone he can be with but not have the baggage of marriage or moving in... someone he's not in a relationship with.

If you're okay with this and not wanting a 'perfect end' then by all means continue but this 'back and forth' game is a common (but not every) man thing. They want what they can't have and chase it til they have it - once they get the impression their grip is slipping they are quick to chase it again. There is no 'perfect end' in any relationship, no matter how perfect the man seems we all have flaws and we all lie.

Preciousbane Sun 02-Feb-14 00:34:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePost Sun 02-Feb-14 00:28:32

He's not perfect if he's not able to commit himself to you only.

Exactly precious I'd be concerned about th he op being taken advantage of or reading into things and getting hurt again.

Preciousbane Sun 02-Feb-14 00:18:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CosyTeaBags Sun 02-Feb-14 00:09:49

Hope your evening went well Lizzie nothing wrong at all with meeting new people! Even if the new guy isn't your type, it's always refreshing to remind yourself that there's a whole world of nice people out there away from the bubble we sometimes get ourselves into.

Nothing wrong at all with that. Hope you had fun

Just make sure you fix your insecurity before you get yourself into anything so it doesn't go wrong.And have fun

LizzieBelle Sat 01-Feb-14 17:28:40

Ah no TripTrap, I want friends to introduce me to New people! I've been stupid and I need a distraction to move on! Be happy for me, my friends are

LizzieBelle Sat 01-Feb-14 13:59:03

Thanks Cosy smile

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sat 01-Feb-14 13:40:39

My thoughts are that:

He isn't really single
He is spinning you a yarn
It is nice for him to escape the reality of married life by having you in the background
He obviously is not that into you as if he was he wouldn't want to even think about you finding someone else

He is not the perfect man, far from it, he is an arse.

Tonight your friend is bringing a guy who would be perfect for you?

Ok,sorry,you've just 'ended' a non existent relationship that you thought was one (despot all the clues) and tonight you're being introduced to Mr Perfect for you?I honestly think you need to forget that,enjoy being you,sorting your obvious security/confidence issues and THEN allow friends to be annoying match makers!

CosyTeaBags Sat 01-Feb-14 10:04:45

I feel for you OP, don't beat yourself up. Be pleased that you've seen the light, and move on.

And don't waste too much time missing what you had with him, because believe me, a real relationship, with an available man who can see you whenever you want, and who you can call whenever you want, who you can go on weekends away, even holidays with, will be SO much more lovely.

This guy is the man who is preventing you from meeting the man who will really make you happy.

LizzieBelle Sat 01-Feb-14 10:04:13

No, I don't need a man, I know that being am independent self sufficient woman, but I would like a man. Thats thwarted difference. Please don't flame me for that!confused confused

NaffOrf Sat 01-Feb-14 10:01:55

I'm late 40's and don't want to waste time on someone and not get anything back

Relax, OP.

You don't need a man. Really you don't.

LizzieBelle Sat 01-Feb-14 09:40:22

Horror film - Ha ha! no it will be fine!

ALittleStranger Sat 01-Feb-14 09:15:24

and she has got a super guy coming along for the evening - she thinks he would be perfect for me...

Oh dear god, it's like someone walking out the room in a horror film and promising to be back soon.

LizzieBelle Sat 01-Feb-14 09:10:57

Well, since I cancelled our last date, I have heard nothing from P which suits me TBH. I'm going out with close friends tonight for a birthday and she has got a super guy coming along for the evening - she thinks he would be perfect for me...will update later!


LessMissAbs Wed 29-Jan-14 21:28:36

It doesn't take a few years to "move out to a flat" OP! Why do you believe this nonsense from him? He lives with his wife, to whom he is still married.

I don't have any problem with genuinely separated people dating, ie those who live apart, but this man isn't.

He isn't separated. He is a married man who lives with his wife who is a bit bored and likes to use you to amuse himself on the side.

MrsSteptoe Wed 29-Jan-14 21:23:04

Sending you thanks LizzieBelle, and happy singledom until you find someone who wants YOU!

LizzieBelle Wed 29-Jan-14 21:17:37

...and the fact that I'm late 40's and don't want to waste time on someone and not get anything back

MrsKent Wed 29-Jan-14 21:17:30

You get very little out of this relationship. But only if you end it you'll be able to move on to a better one.

brokenhearted55a Wed 29-Jan-14 21:11:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flatbellyfella Wed 29-Jan-14 21:02:06

You are anything but a fool, you invested time and effort into this man, thinking he was the one that ticked lots of boxes, unfortunately it's not had the result you would have wished for. Have faith that there are single good honest men out there. It reads like he is still very much a part of his family,& will be for a long time.

LizzieBelle Wed 29-Jan-14 21:00:49

CookieDoughKid you are so right - and so is everyone else - he is still mentally connected to his wife, and so he should be. He belongs to a family, and has children (grown up) and needs to look after them even when he has gone.

I'm going to cut and run!

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