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Found the perfect man, but...

(69 Posts)
LizzieBelle Wed 29-Jan-14 16:02:44

Well, where do I start? I met a truly lovely kind sweet guy (P) who was in a marriage but separated, and has been for a few years. He's also in the process of moving out to a flat which is taking time.

I don't normally go after married men, but I took him at face value and chose to believe what he said to me. Please don't judge me just yet, his wife is fully aware that he sees me. I pursued P and we went out a couple of times before having a boozy night out, when he asked me what I wanted from him. I told him straight, that I liked him and was prepared to only see him once or twice a month if that was all he could manage. That night we had our first kiss. He feels guilty that he has a family and wife even though they are apart and he is moving away. He leads a separate life from his family in the fact that he goes on holidays and has Sunday lunch at each parents house etc, but also has holidays and W/E's alone. I ask him about going away with him and he says he can't do that.

This has been going on for 9 months now, and it is a platonic relationship apart from kissing. I give him lots of space, and don't enquire about family matters, I just want to make the little time we have nice when we are together. Last time I saw him after New Year, he asked me if 'I had met anyone nice'!! WTF! No. I said, I'm with you...

So, I have been getting down about the whole situation and not seeing a 'perfect end'. I recently cancelled a lunch date (his wife doesn't like him seeing me in the evening, and we respect that wish) and I am trying to act cooler towards why, now I have backed off, HE is the one wanting to see me more, yet when I want more he backs away!!

I just don't get men. What do you think I should do...Please don't flame me...I just want to be in a loving relationship, but not at all costs

LizzieBelle Wed 29-Jan-14 16:48:33


Yes, I know. I agree with everything you all say. I guess I just needed to be told 20 times!

I am cutting free next week when I give him some old stuff of mine for the flat - it does exist, I have been there!

It is just so difficult to meet 'nice kind' men who are single, I am pro-active, and I guess my radar was askew when I met him - it's totally my fault, he did keep telling me that he wasn't right for me. Also, it was nice to go out for lunch etc.

I've been a fool, I know, and I'm not proud of it

MadBusLady Wed 29-Jan-14 16:51:40

Unavailable, not separated and actually not even that interested.

In future, don't start relationships by telling them in so many words that you're prepared to accept crumbs of their time and attention. You might as well carry a neon sign saying "I'm a mug with a high tolerance for timewasters."

Don't give him anything.

He's just a friend that you,for some reason,thought was a boyfriend.Don't make even more of a fool of yourself.Get him out of your head now.and don't bother with him.Seriously

Floggingmolly Wed 29-Jan-14 16:54:42

He asks you if you've "met anyone nice", and even that failed to alert you to the fact that you are not in a relationship with this man? hmm

LizzieBelle Wed 29-Jan-14 16:57:48

God, it's so bloody obvious <feels stupid> now I see it written down sad
I just enjoyed the hand holding and the 'just being with someone nice' and the texts when I got them...<kicks myself>

Just need strength to get through it!!

Floggingmolly Wed 29-Jan-14 16:58:47

You will. flowers

MadBusLady Wed 29-Jan-14 16:59:14

X-posted with you OP. don't beat yourself up too much, the problem here is that you haven't heeded some really obvious signals more than that you've been a terrible person. It does sound like he has tried to tell you. Having said that I have no doubt he gets an ego boost put of you mooning around after him - isn't that worth getting a little bit angry about? Might help you get him out of your head.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 29-Jan-14 17:00:09

Don't give him your stuff for his flat, fgs. You've given way too much already.

he did keep telling me that he wasn't right for me
Oh, one of those oh-so-complicated, tortured souls time-wasters hmm

MadBusLady Wed 29-Jan-14 17:00:39

Have a look at the Baggage Reclaim blog, it is basically all about this. Sorry can't do links on phone.

Strength to get through what?

Jeezo!Go on a night out with your friends,have a few drinks and a flirt.Don't mention the male friend and then wake up with a hangover and feeling like a normal,sane,human being.

Then never think about him again.However,you may want to work on your insecurity before meeting someone else

LizzieBelle Wed 29-Jan-14 17:01:58

Friends all told me but I thought they were just being... - I don't know, not jealous, but I thought they just didn't understand. And they all liked seeing me happy I guess.

MadBusLady Wed 29-Jan-14 17:04:23

Very few relationship situations (outside of abusive ones) are so rarified that most people can't understand them perfectly well. It's just the people in them who get tunnel vision grin

Tonandfeather Wed 29-Jan-14 17:23:52

Good for you for learning through this process of writing it all down and seeing how the situation is seen through objective lenses.

My advice always to women who hear the 'separated but living together' story is to call for the guy at his house, or say you won't get involved until that becomes an acceptable thing to do. If it's true, his wife won't be shocked or surprised.

Wuxiapian Wed 29-Jan-14 18:00:38

You'll be fine, OP.

MrsCosmopilite Wed 29-Jan-14 18:07:41

I do know a genuinely nice kind guy who is single, Lizzie. He's in Essex - any good? smile

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 29-Jan-14 18:21:01

Here is a link to baggage reclaim. I second MadBusLadys recommendation.

Lizzie, perhaps you found yourself caught up in a "happy" circumstance in the moment, and, well, lets say jumped ahead (in your head) too fast. I am not one to say play hard to get, but at the same time , imho, it is possible to be too agreeable as well. Putting blinders on won't change the reality that no matter how much you want him to be your Prince and get your "happily ever after" it is not him. Tough lesson to learn, glad you were not too overly invested. And, imho, it is ok to listen to your friends, especially if more than one brings something to your attention.

Your post, tonandfeather reminds me of the character in "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" (one of my favorite old movies). Mrs. Muir (a widow) made a surprise call on her bf only to be met at the door by his wife.

JaceyBee Wed 29-Jan-14 18:40:57

I wonder if he's been using you as a transitional object, a crutch to help him go from being married to being single? Not very nice but I think he is trying to tell you that he doesn't see a serious future for you as a couple. If you want to keep seeing him as a friend for lunch etc then do but let him know you are just friends now and will be actively dating other people.

LizzieBelle Wed 29-Jan-14 20:05:20

Ooo ooo, MrsCosmopilite Essex isn't that far!

CookieDoughKid Wed 29-Jan-14 20:29:20

He is not ready to commit to you or any new relationship because he is still in one. It might not be the classic marriage but he is still mentally tied to his wife.

Please move on from him. I think you will get no where with him because he has shown no commitment to you or even commitment in being a single man!!

LizzieBelle Wed 29-Jan-14 21:00:49

CookieDoughKid you are so right - and so is everyone else - he is still mentally connected to his wife, and so he should be. He belongs to a family, and has children (grown up) and needs to look after them even when he has gone.

I'm going to cut and run!

flatbellyfella Wed 29-Jan-14 21:02:06

You are anything but a fool, you invested time and effort into this man, thinking he was the one that ticked lots of boxes, unfortunately it's not had the result you would have wished for. Have faith that there are single good honest men out there. It reads like he is still very much a part of his family,& will be for a long time.

brokenhearted55a Wed 29-Jan-14 21:11:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKent Wed 29-Jan-14 21:17:30

You get very little out of this relationship. But only if you end it you'll be able to move on to a better one.

LizzieBelle Wed 29-Jan-14 21:17:37

...and the fact that I'm late 40's and don't want to waste time on someone and not get anything back

MrsSteptoe Wed 29-Jan-14 21:23:04

Sending you thanks LizzieBelle, and happy singledom until you find someone who wants YOU!

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