Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I the aggressor as he says?

(78 Posts)
Dinkel Wed 29-Jan-14 11:56:29

Please be honest and tell me whether I am as awful as he says I am.

My DP left on Sunday. We have a daughter who is a few months old.

To give you some background, we have been together about 8 years on and off. He is divorced and also has DCs with his ex wife.
When I became pregnant I was on the pill, so it was unplanned. He wanted me to terminate. I went for counselling and as far as booking the termination, but cancelled it the day before as I couldn't go through with it. He decided he wanted us to be a family and we moved to a bigger house nearer our families.
I think I suffered from undiagnosed antenatal depression, as i definitely wasnt myself. He left several times throughout my pregnancy saying I was weird, fat etc. Every time he left he said he wanted nothing to do with his unborn child. I always took him back as I wanted my daughter to have a dad in her life. And I loved him.

I had my DD and he has been a good dad on the whole. But, our parenting styles differ significantly. He says I am possessive and obsessed with my DD. I say he is too hard and rough with her, but there is no doubt that he loves her; he's smitten.

We have had quite a few rows and he has left me twice. I am suffering from PND and am on ADs and having CBT. It is more anxiety-bases about my daughter. I know I havent been easy to live with and have been over protective of my DD at times.

He has called me fat, schizophrenic, weird, said he can do so much better than me and that I am a bad mum.
He has always been critical of people in general, but I am starting to believe he is emotionally abusive. My family think he is... they say I am a shadow of the person I was before I met him

We had his other DCs this weekend. All was good until Saturday night. He wasn't in the best of moods. We went to bed and his children had left the light on by mistake. I was feeding DD so asked him to turn it out. He refused. I jokingly lifted the duvet off of him and asked him again. He turned round, pulled DD off of my breast and told me to do it. Not only did this hurt me, but my DD screamed and cried. Instinctively, I punched him in the arm. I know I shouldn't have done that, I don't know what came over me. I asked him to leave the room and sleep downstairs. He refused and kept trying to pull my DD off of me. I was trying to push him away from us with my feet. He was smirking and telling me I'm crazy. I was full of remorse for lashing out and kept apologising. But I was so shocked that he pulled my DD off of me and was using her to try to get to me.

Sunday was OK, we had quite a nice day, but he was off-ish with me. At about 8pm, my DD was asleep on me and had been for some time. I commented that I should wake her so that she could be fed. He went to lift her off of me by the scruff of her sleep suit. I shouted at him not to lift her like that, but he grappled with me, so I flicked his ear. He punched ne hard in the leg, so I pinched him. He punched me again harder. His DC told him to stop.

AnUnearthlyChild Wed 29-Jan-14 21:22:31

You have defended your baby and removed the aggressor and that is magnificent

I agree with kleptronic, so I'll say it again for you smile

As has been said many times before on here, the benchmark of acceptable behaviour is 'what if a stranger walked in a n did what he just did 'would that be ok? Would a court look unfavourably on a breast feeding mum defending her baby that just had been grabbed?

Can you imagine the headlines?

You are NOT an aggressor. It is abusive fuckwit 101. Drearily predictable.

Dinkel Wed 29-Jan-14 21:10:55

I will always keep her safe. She's my everything. Thanks again.

Kleptronic Wed 29-Jan-14 21:05:37

All true, and all power to you Dinkel, you have been dealing with extremely horrible, dangerous, frightening circumstances. You can do this, keep you and her safe, now and in the future, report these crimes. [hug]

Dinkel Wed 29-Jan-14 20:55:18

Thank you, Kleptronic, I needed to 'hear' that.

Kleptronic Wed 29-Jan-14 20:21:59

You have defended your baby and removed the aggressor and that is magnificent, it must have been unbearably so hard for you, but you did it.

If you don't report this crime you will not be able to prevent him having unsupervised access to your baby in the future. This is the next step you need to take to protect your baby.

Child protection means exactly what you've done, making the baby safe, and they will look at the child's safety and how you're coping, nothing more. You've made her safe so you've nothing to worry about there. You have acted bravely and responsibly which is totally dealing with it, as is reporting. Gird yourself lovely, there's more to be done, but you will come through it with your DD safe and with you.

annielouisa Wed 29-Jan-14 20:04:19

Please get help from WA and put aside the thought that this abusive man does not know what he is doing, he does! I think it is unlikely that there was not some form of abuse in his former marriage because his DC took your side and were deserate to apologise to you.

Find out through WA about doing the Freedom Programme and I think you will see how awful this man really is and how he has tried wear you down.

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jan-14 19:59:35

If you leave a voice mail, they will get back to you, love. Or you can email them.

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jan-14 19:52:31

No, a woman suffering from PND but seeking help and removing an abusive man from their life will not work against against you with "the authorities"

Dinkel Wed 29-Jan-14 19:45:09

I have just tried calling WA, but it was voice mail. Will try again tomorrow.

Dinkel Wed 29-Jan-14 19:35:45

Oxford - thanks, a wise post again. He had never been physical with me before this weekend. I hadn't seen any hint of a violent streak in him before. But it has happened, and he has to face up to the consequences. As do I.

Any - I am not trying to defend him, I know that what happened is despicable. I have said that I will speak to my GP on Friday. He will not be seeing my daughter unsupervised, if at all. I have read many threads on here and other sites where posters wish they hadn't involved Social Services. That, and my ex saying the fact I have PND and am undergoing CBT will help his case as far as SS is concerned, made me hesitant in involving authorities.

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jan-14 19:00:34

I am struggling to understand that any man who would lift a baby like a fucking rat by the scruff of it's neck wouldn't understand that it could cause a serious injury. Brook no excuse that he was angry at you, not her, he could have killed a tiny baby

I really hope that this time youw ill not take him back. Unfortunately, your relationship appears to have been one of a pattern of on/off so far, so you are going to have to change your mindset most profoundly to not get sucked in by this abuser again. Your defence of him here is worrying. Your irrational fear of Social Services and willingness to listen to his empty threats is worrying.

Please contact your health visitor and/or SS yourself and ask for their assistance. Also speak to Women's Aid and find out when there is a Freedom Programme in your area.

I am afraid you are more likely to attract the negative attention of professionals if you do not get this man out of your life right now before it escalates any further. What would you have said at A+E if your dd had been injured in the course of the physical fight between you two ?

OxfordBags Wed 29-Jan-14 18:50:31

Have you also considered the fact that the only time he's been physical with you (I'm presuming) is WHEN you are holding her and she is especially vulnerable, ie BFing, sleeping, etc.? What does that say about the sort of person he is?

You ask if he might know it's abuse or not - the answer doesn't matter. Whether it's intentional or not, it is still abuse and still hurting you and putting your child at risk. If he knows, he's a scumbag, and if it's unconscious, it means he is so deeply messed up that he is unfit to be in a relationship with anyone else until he completes extensive professional help. That help does not include you trying to help him.

foolonthehill Wed 29-Jan-14 18:47:34

WELL DONE....first steps always hardest.

be kind to yourself and your DD. I hope you will believe me when I say I would be very kind to you.

FWIW I have been there, and my children are still with me


ZorbaTheHoarder Wed 29-Jan-14 16:56:11

I must have led a sheltered life, Dinkel, because I would never have imagined that a man would snatch a breastfeeding baby away from its mother.

He did that, knowing that you and the baby would be terrified - without any care for his own daughter's wellbeing - because he wanted to hurt you and put you in your place.

Please don't think of yourself as an aggressor for another moment. Any mother would do whatever it takes to defend their baby in that situation.

I second those posters who have pointed out that your depression, both before and after having your baby are almost inevitably due to the behavior of this disgusting individual, who treats you with nothing but contempt.

Please do whatever it takes to keep him away from you and your daughter.

Squitten Wed 29-Jan-14 16:51:21

I have a 2mth old daughter and reading about him pulling YOUR baby off the breast and lifting her by the scruff of her sleepsuit has really raised the hackles on MY neck! I can honestly say that if my beloved DH ever did those things to our baby (and he NEVER would - it's abhorrent!) I think my instinct would be to deck him!

Please, PLEASE protect your baby from him x

wontletmesignin Wed 29-Jan-14 16:50:59

This is my second time with them, it was another DV situation last time.
I did physically attack that one in self defence. I even spent a night in the cells because of him.
So dont worry about one hit that you have used to protect yourself and your baby!

I still have all of my children. Social services couldnt have been any more helpful to me then, the same as they are now.

I try not to listen to the horror stories. Each has their own experience and handles things in their own way. They are nerve wracking, dont get me wrong. But very, very helpful. In my experience anyway.

Good luck finding my thread ha...i have so many hmm

Dinkel Wed 29-Jan-14 16:41:14

Thanks for the reassurance. Won't. It helps to know that someone is having a positive experience with SS. I have heard so many horror stories about their involvement.

I'm sorry you are in this situation - you sound so strong. I will look for your thread now.

wontletmesignin Wed 29-Jan-14 16:37:45

If you report him to social services and express your corncerns they will help you.

They will assess you and give you support.
I am currently going through this myself and my ex threatened me with SS. I called them and asked for help.

They will not take your dd off of you.

Dinkel Wed 29-Jan-14 16:32:40

You are right, Gimme. Everything you have said is valid. Despite the fact he wouldnt intend to hurt DD, the reality is he could have. He has said since that his impatience and temper was with me, not DD, but that is irrelevant.
MrsKent - because I am concerned that his threats about reporting me would result in my DD being taken away if he is right and I am the aggressor!

GimmeDaBoobehz Wed 29-Jan-14 16:14:01

It's definitely not you being abusive. He is using classic abuser lines and it sounds like he has been abusive all along, just not so upfront with his abuse.

The thing is if he cares about his daughter so much why would he attack her mother, no matter how angry he is? I've been infuriated beyond words but I know for a fact I would quell it if there was a child around, because I could accidently hurt them and would not be willing to risk that for anything.

Even so he was willing to pick up his daughter in an aggressive way and try and grab her. Is he showing any love or gentleness by doing this?

If he really thought you were a danger to your daughter, he would call the police and get them to take your daughter away if he didn't feel it was safe enough to attempt it himself but he didn't do that because he isn't worried about his child's safety and he wasn't concerned if he was going to hurt her.

Perhaps he will be gutted that he nearly hurt her after his rage but this doesn't change the fact he behaved that way. What if she would've fallen from his hands? What if he punched her instead of hitting at you?

If that would've happened, DD could've been taken into care because they wouldn't have thought her safe. It was a narrow escape there, it really was.

I don't blame you I blame him - but you need to make sure now she isn't on her own with her Dad and neither are you.

You also really need to report as a PP has said upthread the GP/SS/Police can work to help to make sure he doesn't get unsupervised access even if he asks for it.

MrsKent Wed 29-Jan-14 16:06:56

It sounds as if you didn't have a good relationship from the start and it got worse over time. In this onstance you both behaved badly. I am not sure who started first matters. Why the need to look for an aggressor or blame someone?

Badvoc Wed 29-Jan-14 15:59:08

You deserve a smile sweetheart x
Seriously....get out.

wontletmesignin Wed 29-Jan-14 15:59:02

Yes. I still often wonder if he knows he was being abusive, or if it really wasnt his fault, somehow.
I kicked him out in november last year.

You will find your mind will bounce around all different reasons as to why he may have acted in the way he did. Trying to understand.
Just re-read the thread whenever you feel yourself needing a reminder. I dont know how often i had to read mine. I kept thinking i was to blame,when i had done nothing wrong.

Stay strong and get as much support as you can. thanks

BigBoPeep Wed 29-Jan-14 15:55:11

This is awful, get out and be safe with your baby, there's no such thing as being obssessed with your baby - that's called being a mum, surely!? I know you shouldn't punch people, but on a biological level anyone who ripped my nursing child off my breast would be at risk! He is NOT a good dad, I hope you can sort this out OP sad

Dinkel Wed 29-Jan-14 15:54:32

Thank you Everton for a positive story.

Badvoc - you made me smile

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: