Hello. Long LONG time MNer under not so much of a name change as a whole new re-registration and writing from an internet cafe as worried about traceability on home laptop.
There will probably be drip feeding as the whole backstory is far too long and I just don't have the heart or strength to get it all down yet. But in short, I am looking for help/advice in the short term / day to day problems of being in a disfunctional (possibly abusive) relationship, whilst I try and find a way to take the big steps to make it all stop.
Together for 18 years, married for 12 years with 3 DC 9,7 and 4. Life has been miserable and at times much worse than miserable for the past 8 years. I have read a lot on MN and on the Women's Aid site about abusive partners and in my rational moments know that my H is abusive but for the most part, expect that my self esteem is probably quite low as I DO believe that it might be my fault. I don't consider myself to be a 'typical victim' and I know my friends would describe me as strong and confident. I fluctuate between feeling strong enough to get myself to an internet cafe to post here, and being paralysed with fear as to what will happen if I do X or speak to Y.
H had a very difficult childhool - lots of issues whcih he has never resolved. He is carrying a lot of pain and anger round with him. Over the years, I have become the recipient of most of his rage and now I see my DD especially starting to come in for it (she is loud and confident at the moment - all the things that females are NOT supposed to be)
We have always had a volatile relationship - I used to argue back when he lost his temper irrantionally, but over the years I have learned that it is easier to submit and be quiet. H doesn't hit me. But when he is angry, he throws thing at me, he has spat at me several times, he breaks stuff, he stands towering over me screaming in my face and jabbing his fingers into me. He has threatened to kill me and calls me extrememly abusive and offensive names in front of the children.
I KNOW this is all unacceptable. I know that and I know that I have failed as a mother to teach my children to have self worth and self respect and I am trying to find a way to leave. BUT things have ramped up over the past year. Something really tragic happened in my Hs family and this tipped him to a very dark place. I tried to be supportive in the begininning but he was so angry all the time that I started to try and detach instead. I was spending more time at work and talking to friends and not telling H when I was meeting up with friends as I knew he would try to stop me. When my H found out that I had met up with friends and shared confidences with one particular male friend, he assumed i must be physically cheating and even though I assured him I wasn't (and I never would), this has become like a ticket to unleash his rage and things have escalated to the point where I am not allowed to contact specific friends that i 'betrayed' him with (not true) and 'lied about seeing' (true).
I was due to meet one of my 'not allowed' friends this week and H has threatened me if I do.
This is exactly the kind of thing that leaves me paralysed with uncertainty because on one hand I don't want him to win but on the other, I want to keep the peace (as much as it can be) until I can find a way to leave.
Is there anyone who has been in this kind of relationship that could adivise on the short term strategies rather than the big picture? I want to write so muchg more but only have 5 mins left on this computer. For that reason, my answers may be sporadic as well but I would be grateful for any advice.
Thank you
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Relationships
abusive relationship I think - short term advice
74 replies
AlabahmaWhorley · 27/01/2014 13:46
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