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I've been sent this email by my ex

(124 Posts)
FanFuckingTastic Sun 26-Jan-14 02:05:15

I left five weeks ago. I felt like I was being controlled and emotionally abused.

I was abused as a child and I said I would never accept that.

Now I'm being told I am an abuser. Surely that isn't right? I have been trying to protect myself from harassment by cutting him off. He told me I would fail at living by myself, I am too sick of body and mind to cope alone, that I would end up homeless, penniless and eventually my children would be taken off of me by social services.

I know I am supposed to ignore what he says, but to hear this from him after sharing how broken I felt due to my childhood abuse. I don't know how to separate myself from this situation.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 26-Jan-14 02:08:31

Do you have children Fan?

FanFuckingTastic Sun 26-Jan-14 02:10:03

Not together, we've only been together a year, and I called it off and left just after Christmas to be closer to my kids.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 26-Jan-14 02:12:28

You know it isn't true and you know it is him revealing more about himself by stooping to use intimate details about your life to twist and turn to attempt to attack you with.

He is trying to get your attention, to draw you in to his little drama where he is the main player. You have stepped out of your supporting role to his main character and must be punished.

This says nothing about you and everything about him. You have bowed out of his little play so ignore any attempts to be dragged back in. Yes they will be bizarre and hurtful, but try to remember this isn't about what you can or can't achieve in your life to him but about the drama you provide to fuel his perceptions.

Concentrate on your own well being and the best revenge in all situations is to live well and not let them influence your life.

FanFuckingTastic Sun 26-Jan-14 02:16:06

He called my friend today to try and find out where I am. I don't know whether to be scared, or what to do about cutting him off. I've changed my number. I've blocked him on Facebook. I've deleted him from other accounts. He has my email address, he's harassing my friends.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 26-Jan-14 02:18:02

Fuck him them. If you have nothing fiscal to sort out, continue a wall of silence.

He is trying to undermine you, you are now sitting there doubting your own sanity. This is exactly what he wanted to achieve, isn't it?

The silence he is referring to is related to being in a relationship with someone. It is in the context of having a partner around you, in your house, ignoring you and refusing to explain why - they act completely normally around everyone else e.g. Milkman, work colleagues, and then come home and completely blank you or act formally even though they are a loved one. Then the reaction for the other person is to almost beg forgiveness for whatever it is they've done.

It's a bit different to leaving someone for 5 weeks with all your stuff. Dozy twat. Him not you.


IAmNotAMindReader Sun 26-Jan-14 02:18:32

Ignore him don't respond and tell your friends the same. If he gets too invasive for either you or them involve the police and let them deal with it. Keep records of any texts etc just don't reply to them.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 26-Jan-14 02:21:28

Change your email address.

Close the other one.

Tell your friends under no circumstances to let him know where you are. Tell them to pass on the message that you never want to see him again, and if he continues to harass them they will have to report him.

Do you have a particularly strong person in your life who can phone and tell him to eff off? Brother, dad, ex husband?

FanFuckingTastic Sun 26-Jan-14 02:30:57

No, my step-dad just died. He would have threatened him with violence and the law, being an ex-copper. Part of the reason I left was because he didn't deal with that very well, he told me I hated my step-dad and that I shouldn't care about him dying, but that wasn't true. We'd had difficulties because he had six brain tumours which meant he said things sometimes that weren't nice, but that's hardly hating material, he was a sick man, and I loved him despite that difficulty. I may have been upset, but I never hated him. He did the same with my children's dads too, made out that they were dicks and that I should hate them, and that they did things to make me look bad.

He's really done a number on me, hasn't he.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 26-Jan-14 02:32:19

Not anymore.

FanFuckingTastic Sun 26-Jan-14 02:34:49

He's a scary man to cross, I think I've watched him do this to other people without realizing it. He's big, he's smart and he's a master manipulater.

kickassangel Sun 26-Jan-14 02:38:23

Many abusers try to blame the woman for the problems even claiming that they are a victim. Make sure your friends know never to reveal how to contact you, never have any more todo with him. If he doesn't back off tell the police.

The Lundy Bancroft why Does He D That book is a good way to help you see through his bullshit, although you sound pretty clued up anyway.

Remember you are free and dance a little jig.

Mishmashfamily Sun 26-Jan-14 02:39:34

fan he is a total dick.

I too have had one of these wank badgers. You got out after a year, I let mine drag on five. I totally cut my self of from everybody as he turned me against them all.

Apparently I was ' broken biscuits'

He is grasping at straws.

Ignore ignore ignore honestly they do fuck off after a while

FanFuckingTastic Sun 26-Jan-14 02:42:55

I learned about emotional abuse young, my father was an abuser. I can't believe I let myself get sucked in to this situation and become so blind to what he was doing.

I seem to be repeating patterns that I don't know how to stop.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 26-Jan-14 02:45:42

He's not as smart as he thinks. You've seen through to his ugly core.

He may think he has a great mind to get what he wants, but he can't really sit in the pub discussing his plans to manipulate his girlfriend. It's an secret he has to keep to himself.

Don't give him a window into your world. It'll frustrate him completely and stop any control over you. Knowledge is power as they say.

You, on the other hand have this place to help you gain transparency. Now is the time to focus on putting yourself back together for yourself and your kids.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 26-Jan-14 02:50:24

A secret,not an secret. confused

SugarMouse1 Sun 26-Jan-14 03:00:28

He sounds deranged to have sent this.

Even if it was true, it is still the rantings of a madman.

Why are you even slightly taking this seriously?

Has he got mental health problems? Or is he a wind up merchant?

Mishmashfamily Sun 26-Jan-14 03:06:22

Op it's not un common for people who have been abused to fall in to abusive relationships.

I didn't have therapy (I wish I did but couldn't afford it) but I did read a lot of books on the matter as I seemed to get in one abusive relationship after another.

I was emotionally abused by my DM and physically abused by SB and Step uncle .

Go get help for your self esteem , you will get through this .

FanFuckingTastic Sun 26-Jan-14 03:07:19

I don't know. A part of me thinks he knows exactly what he is doing, he knows I have mental health problems, he's already tried to convince me I don't know what I am doing because I am unwell, but at the same time not to take medications because of the side effects. He wants me to go back, so he can be in control, he does that by undermining my confidence and by making me reliant on him.

Then part of me thinks he maybe just doesn't know how unreasonable he is, that he is genuinely mentally ill and uses this attacking as a form of mental defense because he was abused himself and can't believe that he is one too.

I don't care any more though, I am only just keeping myself on track with my mental health and physically I'm a wreck. I want to manage on my own, so I need to focus on not worrying about what he says.

Just thought that as a victim of abuse, we had an understanding of each other. You worry your entire life about being like your abuser, to have him say that was like a kick in the gut and set me worrying again about whether I am or not.

salsmum Sun 26-Jan-14 03:31:46

FanFuckingTastic, firstly let me say how very sorry I am to hear of your SD passing. It's not easy helping to care for someone with 'challenging behaviour' due to illness thanks. I think that may have helped you decide that this twat had to go ( I highly suspect that he didn't support you through your grief). He did not want you to take the medication that could have helped you because that would have opened your eyes and made you stronger! he would then have lost some control. The hardest part of being an abuser is losing control and seems to me that you are doing a fine job without him and its him trying to get you back not the other way around! It's going to be a damn sight easier for you to live alone than put up with his daily abuse of least if you are alone you can get your head together without this idiot making matters worse. Can you get yourself some interests/start a new career/work voluntary/go to college? Please see your GP about getting back on the meds it's no great shame and it certainly doesn't mean you are mad! please remember amongst all this you may still be going through the grieving process sad and in your SD memory don't let this P.O.S win!. GOOD LUCK HUN XX

innisglas Sun 26-Jan-14 03:38:17

Don't read his emails. This is a pattern of behaviour and it is entirely his problem, not yours. Anyone who uses your weaknesses against you is bad news.

And congratulations on getting out so quick, really it may be worrying that you fell into an abusive relationship, but you got out of it surprisingly quick. A friend of mine was in one for eleven years, and if I hadn't had the support of my mother, I would probably have stayed years in my abusive relationship, getting weaker all the time.

You are doing well, very well.

mathanxiety Sun 26-Jan-14 03:53:12

Tell him you do not want any more contact from him, and put it in writing.

Tell your friends they must never reveal your whereabouts, and tell them your new email address when you get one (you should do this).

Then get a non-molestation order if he continues to harass you (this is harassment).

He is just continuing the abuse from the remote location. It's the same abuse.

It seems he has been reading about abuse? And thinks he is some sort of victim here?

One of the things Lundy Bancroft said in his book mentioned above about abusers is that most who go to anger management programmes, or poorly conceived treatment only come out better able to abuse because they have learned some jargon and found a few links to sites designed for victims to read, so they turn it around and use it to accuse their victims of abusing them.

You are not an abuser.

FanFuckingTastic Sun 26-Jan-14 06:08:16

He's had treatment for childhood sexual abuse. He is also incredibly intelligent, more so than me, and that doesn't happen very often as I have a fairly high IQ. Shit EQ but I do have Aspergers, so thought I did okay. That's another thing he turned into a weapon against me. You don't understand my emotions because of your emotional blindness, he'd say. Or you over-reacted to what I said because you misread the intention, and try to confuse me as to what he meant if we argued.

He is trying to tell me I've abused him by not responding to him, but I have on a couple of occasions and decided it was pointless because all he would do was turn it into a putting me down for all my "crimes" session, where I'd try to explain and he would just draw his own conclusions, then blame me for jumping to conclusions based on his behaviour.

I can't sleep tonight, I haven't really been sleeping for a while now, but I am worried about him contacting other people. I don't know if he has my mum's number, I called her once on the house phone when we broke up to come and collect me and couldn't delete it. I've told him to leave her alone, she's just lost her husband and is having a difficult time, but his behaviour is always escalating the longer I ignore any contact. Don't know if I should warn her and give her his numbers so she can block him. Also my children's fathers, whether he might try to cause trouble there. I don't know if he has their details, it depends on how sneaky he was. I managed to sneak all my paperwork out the house, and this laptop because it had too much personal stuff on to delete, even though it's technically his.

We have friends who I am not sure whether will be talking to me, he is such a great emotional manipulater and I am a dumbass when it comes to knowing how to handle these things. I simply refuse to discuss it because I feel it's nobody's business, but he'll have people in on his "abuse" scenario. Do I cut my losses there or try to keep my friends?

On one hand, everything is such a relief, I get to keep my money and buy my own food and decide what to eat and drink, instead of being told and fed, then being chided for "getting fat", but not being allowed to diet without being ridiculed because all I was doing was eating more food, nevermind that it was veggie soup. Looked like diarrhea he said. And I can go out whenever I want to, instead of being allowed, because I wear myself out too much if I go out to the town.

Then on the other, I've put friends and family in the firing line. I feel like shit for them, and for myself because I am actually scared of him now.

adoptmama Sun 26-Jan-14 06:24:10

I would suggest you contact your local citizens advice or women's aid. You are entitled to take out an injunction to prevent him harassing you. This will show him you are serious in ending contacting and strong enough to follow thru.

Leverette Sun 26-Jan-14 06:24:26

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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