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How to cope with different sex drives? Male opinions welcomed too.

(182 Posts)
maryloulou Fri 24-Jan-14 22:12:51

DH and I have been together 9 years and we have DD (7). I am struggling to cope with his high sex drive. He always asks in the morning and I am ashamed to say I give in most mornings regardless of my feelings. We have argued about this subject so much over the last few years and I do feel a bit worn down. He does get angry and sulks if I reject him most of the time. If he is OK about it he will expect it later in the evening or the next morning and I am normally just grateful for him not kicking off earlier that I will give in.

The few times we have discussed the situation he has explained that he gets so very frustrated if we don't have sex daily. He has said that if he switches his sex drive down then he will go cold on me because he can't be warm and loving but not get horny and expect things from me. He says it's all or nothing. This is the bit where I would appreciate a male opinion. Is this true? Is this how you think? I don't have much experience with other men.

Today we had an argument in the morning about something totally unrelated and he suddenly started being nice and suggested we go back to bed and make up. I was much too worked up to want to and he started kicking off again. It just feels like he is trying to get as much out of me as he can in the time we have together. We only see each other for 2 hours a day due to his work and most of that is spent in bed.

On the plus side he is always telling me how much he loves me and how sexy and gorgeous I am.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Any advice is appreciated. How do we come to a happy medium?

Allofaflumble Fri 24-Jan-14 22:20:13

Blow up doll?

MissPryde Fri 24-Jan-14 22:31:39

He's quite ridiculous. You're not his sex doll. He needs to respect your feelings. Him saying he'll be cold to you is manipulation and quite disgusting. Sometimes a rejection can sting a bit - dp works long hours, very physical work, he's often exhausted when I want to be intimate. I might be a little disappointed, but I don't show it - he has every right to be tired and not in the mood, it doesn't have a bearing on our relationship. I would never be angry with him or sulk. That's incredibly childish and again, manipulative.

Tell him to fuck himself, literally.

FastLoris Fri 24-Jan-14 22:33:32

It sounds to me like your H doesn't believe in wanking, would be ashamed about it and/or there's some unstated assumption that it doesn't belong in your relationship. IMO that's a recipe for disaster. I doubt there's more than a tiny minority of couples - if there are any at all - whose drives are so harmonious that they can carry on forever without one of them going solo now and then. The accepted assumption of married couples having the necessary quickie every single night really belongs to an older age in which women were the property of men, and their feelings about it weren't considered.

It's not unusual for men to feel a strong need for sexual relief every day or every couple of days, so I wouldn't be concerned about your H being abnormal in that respect or anything. But how people get that relief is another question, and in the 21st century with marriages as genuine partnerships, we don't get to just use our wives as cum receptacles whenever we want. If your H can't understand that, then there's a problem.

mrsg3123 Fri 24-Jan-14 22:38:18

My husbands exactly the same

CailinDana Fri 24-Jan-14 22:44:33

I find your OP really shocking not just for what you describe but for the fact you think it might be normal.

You do realise that if you have sex you don't want due to being manipulated and bullied that that is rape?

maryloulou Fri 24-Jan-14 22:45:49

I did once suggest he sorted himself out but he came out and he questioned why he had got married then.

I just wanted to say I do let him down gently, I do try not to embarrass him. He tends to also ask at times that are inconvenient and totally off putting. For example if my mother has come round and is downstairs he'll suggest we disappear upstairs for 5 minutes. That just doesn't do it for me and I would feel so uncomfortable doing that. But then I am being 'boring'.

MoonshineWashingLine Fri 24-Jan-14 23:06:35

It's annoying isn't it? My DP would have sex every minute of every day if he could. He had to deal with a big change in our sex lives after DD was born and it didn't sit well with him for a long time. His sex drive is still really high and mine just isn't any more. He deals with it but isn't happy about it. Doesn't give me too much grief any more over 'how little' we have sex but he used to. Endless arguments! What does it for him is knowing that it will be better if he stops being so full on all the time and just lets it happen naturally rather than asking for it all the time.

My DP certainly has no issue with wanking though and does it frequently, he enjoys it for what it is. Just cos you're married doesn't mean you can't pleasure yourself every now and again!

CailinDana Fri 24-Jan-14 23:08:46

He is abusing you in a really nasty way. The tactic of asking for sex when he knows you won't want it (eg when your mum is there) is deliberate. It's to make it easier to rape you at other times because he can say you refused him before.

In a normal relationship the couple only has sex when both the man and woman want it. If one says no the other gives them a kiss and a cuddle and carries on with the day (and maybe has a wank in the shower). In 12 years my dh hasn't sulked once over sex. We haven't had sex in months due to cosleeping baby. Not a problem. Of course he (and I) would like sex but being married doesn't mean guaranteed sex.

CocktailQueen Fri 24-Jan-14 23:17:51

He is being really abusive. That's just horrible. Asking you to DTd when you can't - like when your mum is round - why does he do that?

You are your own person. - you are not some sort of blow up doll, but have your Own opinion and the right to say no!

God, if my h pressured me to have sex like this, he would put me off for life.

Your dh needs to sort himself out if you don't want sex - and sulking is horrible. Good luck op, I hope you can sort this out.

mcmoonfucker Fri 24-Jan-14 23:34:50

Please don't have sex with him when you don't want to.
You are not obliged, expected to or indeed he is not entitled to it.

Rather than him asking why he got married, I'd ask the same to yourself?

I'd guess it wasn't to be a handy orifice for him to fuck when he feels like it.

NaffOrf Fri 24-Jan-14 23:44:10

OP, this isn't a 'Sex drive' thing.

It's an abuse thing.

FastLoris Sat 25-Jan-14 00:00:37

In a normal relationship the couple only has sex when both the man and woman want it.

That really isn't true. There are plenty of "normal" couples (whatever the hell that means) where one partner will have sex for the sake of the other now and then.

Not that that excuses this particular case, of course.

FastLoris Sat 25-Jan-14 00:02:46

I did once suggest he sorted himself out but he came out and he questioned why he had got married then.

Well that pretty much tells you why got married then.

CailinDana Sat 25-Jan-14 00:12:15

I think in many relationships fastloris one partner might not be in the mood for sex but go ahead anyway because they enjoy pleasing their partner or they know they'll get in the mood. In that case I would argue they do want the sex, not for the sex itself but just to connect with or please (in the sense of giving pleasure to) their partner. The essential thing is that they are having sex willingly amd don't feel under pressure, ie they want to do it.

No one should ever have sex out of a sense of duty or to avoid being bullied.

maryloulou Sat 25-Jan-14 00:20:23

The thing is he is so attentive and sweet most of the time that I find it hard to accept that it is abuse. I am going to sound so ungrateful now, but sometimes I feel a bit overwhelmed by all the declarations of love, kisses and hugs (which often leads to groping). I get confused by his dark side when I reject him.

I am so very desperate to spend time with him just talking about normal stuff like news or anything but he always steers the conversation back to us.

CailinDana Sat 25-Jan-14 00:30:08

You do not have to be grateful for kisses hugs and groping that you don't want. Declarations of love mean nothing, anyone can make them. Actions count. And his actions show that he believes that when you signed the marriage register he gained ownership of your body. He did not. You own your body and you have every right to 100% dictate at all times what happens to it. Do you understand that?

MissPryde Sat 25-Jan-14 00:35:35

Sex on demand is not a reason to get married. Of he thinks the point of a marriage is an endless shagfest, frankly, he shouldn't be married.

Sexual abuse is one form of abuse, op. Even if he's the greatest man in the world every other way, he can still be abusing you sexually. Unfortunately, this form of abuse, between a husband and wife, is one of the least recognized, though it is very common. People still seem to have trouble wrapping their heads around the fact someone can rape their own spouse. It you do not want to have sex, if you are coerced, forced, or pressured into having sex you do not want, that is rape

I really feel for you, op. I wish I could offer more help. I can't advise you on what to do but please understand your dh's behavior is not ok, it is not healthy.

rpitchfo Sat 25-Jan-14 00:36:37

Well you asked for a male opinion but not sure how helpful I can be as I haven't got a very high sex drive.

But on an occasion where I would like sex but my DP doesn't. It can be very difficult to concentrate...(curious if woman feel the same). But wanking solves that problem...it's also very easy for me to be warm and loving without the need for sex.

Helltotheno Sat 25-Jan-14 00:36:43

I feel a bit overwhelmed by all the declarations of love, kisses and hugs
Don't be flattered by this OP and deceived into thinking it's genuine: you just happen to be the convenient orifice by means of which he can get laid so he bangs on about how gorgeous and sexy you are to get you in the sack. You don't sound compatible on any level... hell this creep can't even have a normal conversation with you.

LTB... I promise you won't know you're born without this constant pressure in your life. Hard to see that though when you're stuck in the middle of it.

maryloulou Sat 25-Jan-14 00:37:48

I have also questioned him about that comment about the reason he got married. He agreed that it is not my duty to have sex with him, that he didn't mean it. I don't know if I believe him.

He puts me under pressure to do things I don't want to in bed. I have previously done it for him, but it left me upset and in tears last time. He still wants to do it again but I have refused point blank. He says I should look after our sex life more then. Apparently I am too controlling, I have all the power.

CailinDana Sat 25-Jan-14 00:43:34

You are too controlling? By wanting to have a say over what he does to your body? So what does he want then? For him to just order what he wants and you just comply and cry quietly so as not to disturb him?
W
You are NOT a sex toy. You are a PERSON .
What was his reaction when you cried?

maryloulou Sat 25-Jan-14 00:56:54

It wasn't full on wailing, but quiet tears. I had asked him to stop mid way through because he was really hurting me but it took him another 30 secs or so to finish. He apologised and hugged me. I have since told him that it will never happen again.

CailinDana Sat 25-Jan-14 01:03:13

So you asked him to stop and he didn't?

Dirtybadger Sat 25-Jan-14 01:35:46

And he still wants to? To do this thing that last time ended in him raping you? He sounds selfish and just awful (understatement), to be honest. He doesn't have a right to sex. With anyone.

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