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Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

(986 Posts)
canttypefortears Thu 23-Jan-14 23:34:11


My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

canttypefortears Thu 23-Jan-14 23:36:50

Sorry fat fingers!

sharonosaurus Thu 23-Jan-14 23:43:05

Do you know where he is staying? Do you know his friend?

Do you think there is someone else?

Im sorry this is happening to you, I know how painful it is x

AnyFucker Thu 23-Jan-14 23:43:10

I am very sorry love, but it is highly likely he has moved on to another woman

let him go, there is nothing to fight for

omuwalamulungi Thu 23-Jan-14 23:43:43

You haven't done anything wrong, it is not you, it is him. He's creating a scenario in his mind that makes it easier to leave for whatever reason, it's cruel and unfair but it is his fault for not talking to you. Anyone who willingly walks away from you in this manner is not worth following.

I'm so sorry. You're not alone thanks

morethanpotatoprints Thu 23-Jan-14 23:50:31

How awful, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I think he at least owes you an explanation and I think it would really benefit you to know wtf is going on with him.
It could be another woman, but you know him the best, wouldn't he have come clean by now and told you this was why he was leaving.
Maybe somebody has caught his eye and he is confused and nothing happened yet, if you know him as a previously decent man, this could be the problem.
I would have to know OP, however painful, atm you must feel in limbo.
Have you demanded to know what is going on?

canttypefortears Thu 23-Jan-14 23:50:35

Im pretty sure he is with hos mum but he hasnt disclosed this. Sounds strange but i only know the town in which she lives as shes moved recently and they werent close. I did hear her in the background when i called him one morning at 7.30 and he did actually answer. So sad, feel like someone elses life. He only contacts when he wants to see the kids. He comes by gets rhe best of them and when he leaves i pick up the pieces. He doesnt call or contact them ( obv bia me) tween visits. I am on the fence with the thought of another woman. I have often thought he is way too good looking for me! Feel like hes had some kind of breakdown but he is adamant and wants to push through with divorce. Feel very low abd cant peel myself off of the floor. Normally i am strong and bubbly.

GimmeDaBoobehz Thu 23-Jan-14 23:52:41

I am so sorry.

bunchoffives Thu 23-Jan-14 23:55:30

The main thing now is to focus on looking after yourself and your DC.

Be really kind to yourself and do whatever it takes to make yourself feel a bit better and get through the day.

Don't be pressured into going faster than you want. He has behaved like a true shit. The least he can do now is show some respect and wait until you are ready for mediation.

Have you looked to your finances? Any shared accounts? Empty them. Get any benefits sorted now.

If I were you I'd 'lose' your keys and have to change the locks too.

canttypefortears Thu 23-Jan-14 23:55:39

Yes, ive asked time and time again. The most info hes given is that he bottles his feelings up and that i dont listen! Which one is it, if he bottles up how can i hear. He did say he loves me as a friend though. He wants to sell the house so he can get a one bed flat and have the kids overnight including some weeknights. He intends to live 15 miles away from school. W T F?

Preciousbane Thu 23-Jan-14 23:57:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunchoffives Thu 23-Jan-14 23:59:25

He can't force you to sell the house. A court would be most likely to order that you are there until youngest DC is out of education.

But you need swift legal advice. And don't let him dictate the pace. Do it when you are ready.

canttypefortears Fri 24-Jan-14 00:07:42

Thanks for all your kind comments. He acted very guilty to start with and offered loads of hugs, which i accepted as i thought it might spark something within him. He left and becane uncontactable, when he did eventually get back to me he almost accused me of being a stalker! I was his wife as i remember only two weeks earliet. We are not gettung on to great at the moment as he keeps making demands on me. He thinks he was so noble staying for 2 weeks before officially dumping me! Although i will admit i wobt let anyone in RL say a bad word against him becauae I love him( hate what his dobe to me ) and id gave him back in a shot. Damn these feelings!

canttypefortears Fri 24-Jan-14 00:09:46

Silly little phone and fat fingers! Sorry, should proof check first! Lol

bunchoffives Fri 24-Jan-14 00:18:56

He has shown zero respect for you though. How can you love him after that?

Would you do what he's done? Even if there was someone else, would you treat him the way he has treated you? And yet you still love him?

Is it that you love the person you thought he was?

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 24-Jan-14 00:19:24

You are deeply hurt and grieving for the relationship, future and person you thought you had. It is going to take a while to accept the way things are now.
However you must put those feelings of despair and abandonment aside for long enough to secure your childrens future. Get legal advice particularly over finances and the house. Make an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow.

tawse57 Fri 24-Jan-14 00:42:56

Sounds as if he has withdrawn into his cave for some reason - mid-life crisis?

Something is obviously going on in his head. Something he has probably been thinking about for some time - his life not working out as planned, not doing the things he dreamt of doing, sexual things, etc, etc?

Leavenheath Fri 24-Jan-14 00:51:13

Honestly love, for a man to do this on Christmas Day completely out of the blue means only one thing- there's someone else.

There is no reason for all this secrecy and being incommunicado, other than he doesn't currently want you to find out exactly where he's spending his time and who he's with.

Your best bet is to give the impression that you accept this and have decided to move on with your life- and make sure he does his fair share of childcare, even before he's got a new place. Insist he takes the kids out, or to his mother's. Get yourself some breathing and grieving space.

Innocentbystander01 Fri 24-Jan-14 00:54:01

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My h did similar around 2 years ago this month he vanished out of the blue was hard to contact and only wanted to see the dc. I was strung along for 6 weeks and then found out he was seeing someone from his work.
Everybody and I mean everybody lied and kept it from me even the people you would expect to stand by you and be there for you.
My only advice is to withdraw, be cool and calm when you have to speak get the ball moving wrt divorce and start giving him the cold shoulder.
I really am sorry.

Innocentbystander01 Fri 24-Jan-14 00:55:49

Yes and make sure he does his fair share of childcare starting now.

AgnesBligg Fri 24-Jan-14 00:58:04

This is awful for you, love. Try and take some action...

1. seek a solicitor as pp says

2. strengthen yourself for the probability of his being with someone else.

I'm so sorry. Lot's of us have been through similar though, so keep posting please. Here's some flowers

jynier Fri 24-Jan-14 01:10:08

OP - I am so sorry but everything points to another woman in his life! Be strong; thinking of you- x

wouldbemedic Fri 24-Jan-14 01:23:26

thanks OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. The pain you're feeling is awful but it's time limited. You need to hang in there and give your life the chance to change shape. Good things can still happen, with or without this man. You have an amazing heart, that much is clear. Try to take care of yourself as if you were looking after someone else - easy to eat foods, as much companionship as possible, doing things you enjoy, even if you can't enjoy them now.

You're anything but unlovable.

Monty27 Fri 24-Jan-14 01:31:03

I agree with some posters above. There has to be another person, imho he gave that person his word he would break the news to you by xmas.


And he's a very mean bastard.

FolkGirl Fri 24-Jan-14 05:45:50

He doesn't have problems and he isn't unhappy.

He has someone else. sad

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