Lowering my standards and getting treated badly!

[positively9something]

So I've been seeing a guy on and off for around 3 years he pops in and out of my life,I let him even though I know I don't actually want to be with him!

He isn't what I want in anyway! I don't really have fun when I'm with him, we never just sit and really have a laugh, the sex is never long enough so I'm never fully satisfied and he seems quite selfish in bed. He is also very selfish in general.

I annoy myself by letting him into my bed again but I've realised its because I havnt met anyone else. It's defiantly not that I want to him with him I'm certain of that.

I feel like I'm stopping myself from moving on and meeting someone that I one day may want to be with. I think I am commitment phobic after my last relationship with my dc's dad who cheated on me a lot. And having this crap guy
around is a sure fire way to ensure I won't settle down.

[positively9something]

Sorry I posted too soon

Also being a single parent can be lonely and it can be difficult to meet people as it's difficult to go out or have hobbies. So I guess I just let this guy in at times then get rid of him when I've had enough.

Anyway I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this thread, maybe some reassurance that I will one day have a normal and decent relationship and not be alone and sleeping with this guy forever!!

[storytopper]

You seem to have analysed your own situation pretty well. What are you asking?

[storytopper]

OK - hadn't seen the second bit.

Perhaps you should get rid of this guy and get to know yourself a little better. Clear the decks before you look for someone else.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Just.Say.No. Avoid the situations which lead to you inviting him back into your bed; be busy, be distant, be a bit unavailable, fob him off if you can't bring yourself to tell him straight that you're no longer interested. You'll feel so much better, believe me.

[Tinks42]

Sounds like you let HIM use you OP when he feels like it then feel like shit after, a self fulfilling prophecy if ever there was one. Be brave and spend time sorting out what you want, ditch him and believe me you will feel so much better. Practice the word "NO". Life as a single parent can of course feel lonely at times but look at your gorgeous children and make sure you set the best example possible. That will keep you strong.

[positively9something]

Story - I havnt actually been with him much atall for her past year, he popped into my life briefly a few times but I have pretty much been single for the past year really! I think in that year I have felt like I deserve more and grown up abit.

[positively9something]

Tinks - I think it is the loneliness that makes me get involved with him again. Although I never have him around my dc and I make sure I keep him separate as I do set a good example for my little one and don't want him in my life in that way!

[OneForEachHand]

I think Tinks has hit the nail on the head here.

[VelvetSpoon]

Better to feel lonely from time to time than feel used.

[shey02]

I'd give him the boot. If the sex isn't even good, what actually is the point... You will find someone wonderful one day, but a) not while you're sleeping with this dude and b) not while you are dealing with all the conflicting/depressing emotions of sleeping with this dude....

[Littleen]

Ditch him and go for a trip to Ann Summers for the time being, perhaps get a trial at match.com (a friend of mine had a 3 day trial and is now married to the guy she met!) or try to socialise somewhere else. This guy is pointless, perhaps you keep him around to "prevent" yourself from having the opportunity for something better, out of fear?

[positively9something]

Shey - your right too much drama comes from sleeping with him and probably makes me negative towards other men

[positively9something]

Little - I think I do keep him there to prevent myself from having a proper relationship!

[shey02]

I highly recommend internet dating, honestly, at the very least, it will fill your days/evenings until you meet some really special.

[positively9something]

Shey - I have tried online dating before and I'm still on pof what sites are good?

[davidtennantsmistress]

My nan told me once xh left, you never lower your standards for anyone,

They come up to yours or they're not worth your time.

I'm saying the same to you, take some time on your own and then work out where you want to set your bar, what you think is acceptable for you, for me the basics, respect, spoken to in an appropriate manor, not abused cheated on lied to etc are basic fundamentals I won't compromise on, learn that and it will set you on a good path, likewise I didn't like pof,

Pre dp I tried pof, (shitty chancers) dating direct (shutty paid chancres) match.com not bad but met dp on smooch.com random, he was just someone to talk to for a bit as a friend nothing more, met for coffee and the rest as they say is history, he wasn't overly my type well not at all, is shorter and rounder, but likewise our core fundamentals are the same (more or less) but I'd just try of not to date just to have a chat to people, I used to chat to people for a day or two, most, if they got my msn email they were worthy of a longer chat.

To stop with this chap will do you no good as it will eventually erode your self worth and esteem. ESP if you know it's not what you overly want.

[shey02]

All the sites that people have mentioned are good, but I think they key thing is in my opinion is to be NEVER looking for love. Fun, social, friends, etc. YES... I think if you're 'looking for love' it comes across as desperate and some of my friends have used this phrase and come up with loads of losers and players... I always used to just put looking for friends, etc, social and the majority that I met were lovely and also you both know you're probably looking for more... but just not putting all your cards on the table is wise.

[positively9something]

Shey - I've never said to anyone I'm looking for love what I want right now is a nice guy to spend time with and have some action with and if it leads somewhere fine, if not also fine

[shey02]

Thank god for that! Sounds good. :D

[TorchesTorches]

I had a similar situation for about 5 years! It was very on and off sometimes wouldn't see him for a year, but thenhe'd text. I knew i didn't want to marry him, but i was just lonely. He was very into me so used to get cross about the situation, but i was always straight him about not wanting to be serious. Then one time we had a massive row. It was so awful i thought i could just never see him again. It was that time i mentally let go completely and 3 weeks later i met the guy who became my husband.