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(54 Posts)
lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 09:56:56

Hi all I am just wondering if it would seem odd to you if your bf / hubby/partner would not want to be friends with you on fb ?
In fact was quite against it?!
I know it may sound trivial but is it important to you?

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 11:15:03

Telling 'people' that matter not ''me"!

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:15:47

They arent friends cos i have checked but of course have work friends still in common.
She is a long way away too. Tbh i am quite certain that nothing is going on and he has told me he has had no contact at all and was surprised she made a comment .
He replied to comment and she and another work mate commented back too.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys Thu 23-Jan-14 11:19:39

This has red flag written all over it.

I would be very put out if DP deleted me from Facebook or didn't add me in the first place. And it would cause an argument, absolutely. I'm very much part of his life - we live together and we're engaged, so I'd be extremely suspicious if he had all his friends on his Facebook and refused to add me.

Add the cheating to it and I would strongly suspect that he does talk to her (he can do that through messages without being friends with her) or that he has another woman on the go. Sorry.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:21:58

If you really can't see what's going on then I don't know. Sorry but it's a red flag.

LittleRedDinosaur Thu 23-Jan-14 11:26:12

Very suspicious. My ex would do the odd strange thing like that and I'd get a funny feeling but everything else was great... so I'd persuade myself it was fine. Turns out he was cheating on me for the whole of our relationship.
Listen to your gut on this one. There's something not rightsad

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 11:36:34

OP, you are making this about whether or not something is still going on with the ex-OW - she commented on a photo of a car via a friend of a friend. That alone is nothing and no, it doesn't seem as if anything is going on with her.

The real issue here, IMO, is that your partner is not wanting to publicly acknowledge he is in a relationship with you, wants to keep you hidden from his work friends, is compartmentalising his life and is treating you like a dirty secret. Much bigger issue that one stupid comment on a photo of a bloody car.

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:38:18

Oh ladies!
I actually dont think he is cheating or anything like that. I think its all to do with the time we lived on our own.
I think maybe i may see something i dont like ?!
Tho i dont know what and i dont care tbh.
What a joke its all become!

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:39:23

I agree that the comment annoyed me but not the main issue .

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:40:16

Thankyou for all your opinions.
I seriously thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill!

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 11:44:44

My last post sounds really mean and harsh reading it back - sorry, it wasn't meant to sound that way! blush

Contrarian78 Thu 23-Jan-14 11:52:31

Just think how much easier (and more productive) your lives would be without Facebook and dare I say it; Mumsnet smile

I'm personally not on Facebook (and neither are any of my close friends). Frankly, and I'm probably speaking a little out of turn here, I'd be suspicious of any fully grown man that was on the Facebook. The fact that he isn't "friends" with you on Facebook might be the least of your worries.

I should say that Mrs. Contrarian is on it, but as a nurse she's always mindful as to what she puts on there (so she tells me) so is actaully quite passive with it.

SirRaymondClench Thu 23-Jan-14 11:58:43

So he cares more what his colleagues might think than what you think?

And he had an affair with an old colleague?

And he'd rather delete his FB than add you?

Hmm he doesn't sound like much of a keeper to me. hmm

TheDoctorsNewKidneys Thu 23-Jan-14 11:58:51

I know plenty of grown men with Facebook. They're all in perfectly normal relationships, most of them with long-term partners and children, and use it to keep up with old friends and family. Facebook is only suspicious in the hands of idiots wink

AmberLeaf Thu 23-Jan-14 12:00:09

the womans comments aside, not wanting to have you as a friend on Facebook is very suspicious.

LastOneDancing Thu 23-Jan-14 12:02:16

Nothing wrong with being on FB at any age - its good for sharing news, photos and keeping in touch with far away friends etc. A very few people get a bit OTT, or use it for hooking up, but each to their own....!

But the only reasons you wouldn't add your DP on there is that they're going to see something they don't like, or you don't want to be linked with them publicly.

I'd consider getting back on birth control until this is resolved OP - Something's not right here.

Contrarian78 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:06:58

Do you know what, perhaps it is for younger men, but thinking about my own cohort (mid thirties) I think we probably missed the boat. From all of the aggrevation it seems to cause - I'm talking about the petty stuff that we hear anecdotally - I don't think any of us feel we're missing out.

Deleting Facebook is probably a reasonable enough compromise.

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 12:11:01

I don't see how deleting Facebook is a reasonable compromise tbh. Have Facebook or don't have Facebook - it's irrelevant. The issue is that he's keeping her a secret from work mates as he doesn't want people to know they are back together. OP, if you do get pregnant, is he going to keep your baby a secret from them too?

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:15:44

So I did say that last night to him! Will
You be putting a pic of baby as ur prof pic ( as most peeps do)
He said yea of course.
I am not asking him to state he in a relationship with me. Just add as a friend.
What th f* is the big deal ?! Imo !

TheDoctorsNewKidneys Thu 23-Jan-14 12:18:01

It's a big deal because he's hiding something.

Contrarian78 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:22:56

From what I gather, people seem to want to construct an online identity which differs from the reality. If he's denying your existence in real life, then that's a problem, but on Faceache...............

Maybe I don't know enough about the intricacies of it all....

SirRaymondClench Thu 23-Jan-14 12:28:00

Nothing wrong with him stating he is in a relationship with you, after all he is isn't he? hmm
He's acting like you are something to be ashamed of and that in itself would be enough for me to LTB.
You took him back after he cheated so he should be doing EVERYTHING he can to be 100% transparent with you. But he isn't.

yellowcar Thu 23-Jan-14 13:31:44

I think its possible on fb to add someone as a friend then hide you from all their other friends. Also,you can say 'in a relationship' with someone, but edit who sees this info. ie, only me, friends, exclude certain people, etc. The settings are really complicated.

I'm glad you posted about this op. I'm really pissed off with my dp as I realise that he has 'hidden' from everyone else on his friend list that we are in a relationship. I was wondering if I was making something out of nothing by feeling upset by it, but after reading all the comments I'm going to speak to him. I do find it really disrespectful and he must be hiding something from me, it's obvious now I've read about your situation.

Leavenheath Thu 23-Jan-14 14:26:57

Pic of what baby? confused

Have you really conceived a child with someone who won't even tell his colleagues he's in a relationship with you?

Joysmum Thu 23-Jan-14 14:37:49

Whether my husband was in the wrong or not, if he knew something he could control had hurt me, he'd jump through hoops to make me feel better and confront and address that hurt.

Your bloke doesn't seem to see things in the same way and I'd be concerned at that.

lisadolly75 Thu 23-Jan-14 14:52:41

No not pg yet but was just saying to him .

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