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Relationships

Worried that DP is stringing me along a bit Re. Marriage

159 replies

NurseScorned · 22/01/2014 15:45

I hate being all suspicious but I can't help it lately, I'm worried I'm being strung along by stuff that is really important to me.

When we first got together my partner said he definitely wanted to get married again, he likes the mr and mrs set up, he believed marriage was important although as he hadn't been divorced long (2 years) he would want to wait a while before taking the plunge - then when we moved in together all of a sudden he changed this to never wanting to get married, making out that I should have told him how important it was to me in the early days (I did!!) and that he "supposes" he "might" marry me at a much later date if we continue to "get on" and "work as a team". Now however it's constantly at the back of my mind that if I stay with him, I might have to resign myself to having never married despite it being so important to me. He never brings it up, never talks about it and makes me feel awkward if I bring it up. It's constantly on TV, marriage, weddings, romantic proposals, honeymoons - we're going to Thailand in August and our hotel has a special wedding/honeymoon page on the internet and he looked through the entire website and just missed that page out. When skipping through the hotel photos there was an air of awkward silence when the wedding pictures came up. I just sometimes feel that he's stringing me along. If he genuinely intended to marry at some point wouldn't that be a perfect conversation starter? If he doesn't want to get married, why can't he just tell me so I can make an informed decision about my future? It winds me up all the important dates throughout the year when friends/colleagues are expecting proposals - birthdays, valentines day, on holiday (can't get much more romantic /exotic than thailand!) yet I know deep down it will never happen for me, he'll never ask me no matter how perfect the setting. A woman at work today came in all excited, stuck her hand out and was wearing a beautiful engagement ring. Everyone was so excited for her and I started feeling quite emotional. My DP never buys me anything never mind a ring. I think one of his excuses before was the cost of a wedding - clearly bullshit when all I'd want is a quick service in the reg office, I'm not even after a posh dress - none of that matters to me and I just feel so rejected by him and just wish he'd be honest with me one way or another. I'm 33 and he's 42 - we're old enough to know what we want and time is moving on somewhat. We can't have kids so it's not about that (yet that's another thing I'm willing to sacrifice for him) but I won't compromise on marriage too. But how do I make him be honest? don't want to end the relationship if he genuinely intends to ask me soon - but don't want to be strung along either.

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JeanSeberg · 22/01/2014 15:47

I just sometimes feel that he's stringing me along

He is.

Sorry.

We can't have kids so it's not about that (yet that's another thing I'm willing to sacrifice for him)

Do I take it from this sentence that he's the one that can't have kids, what with you saying that it's you making the sacrifice?

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NurseScorned · 22/01/2014 15:52

Yeah he's 10 years older than me and has had a vasectomy. I'm only early 30s and so "could" in theory have more kids. I was 90% sure I didn't want anymore anyway but there was always that 10% there that was glad I still had the option. Now I'm willing to scrap that 10%, despite the odd broody moods and cravings, bio clock ticking - I'm willing to give up my chances of having more kids to be with him. Totally life changing decision, yet he's not happy to marry me despite saying he wants us to be together forever?
I'm also suspicious that part of the reason for his reluctance is to financially protect himself. I don't want his money or his house, I'd happily sign anything to say I only want what I brought into it.

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NurseScorned · 22/01/2014 15:55

See another thing, if he genuinely is wanting to marry me yet feels it's too soon to actually "sign on the dotted line", why can't we at least get engaged? that would show at least some commitment to the idea without the legal binding.

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JeanSeberg · 22/01/2014 15:57

when we moved in together all of a sudden he changed this to never wanting to get married

He's been as clear as he can be - anything else he says is just buying him time or getting you to shut up.

You need to end this relationship and move on otherwise it's going to drive you round the bend.

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expatinscotland · 22/01/2014 15:59

Nurse, you want different things. He did mislead you on marriage, and he will never change. But you can. And there is still time to have more children if you want. Quit sacrificing because he isn't 'working as a team'. Time to move on.

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NurseScorned · 22/01/2014 16:01

I just wish he'd have the decency to at least talk to me about it. My cousin told me her and her partner discuss marriage all the time, when they're going to officially get engaged etc

My friend is the same, her partner brings up marriage now and again and they discuss it like adults. Makes it more obvious that mine is just stringing me along as he can't even bring himself to discuss it.

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Leverette · 22/01/2014 16:03

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expatinscotland · 22/01/2014 16:03

He doesn't need to talk about it, he shows you how he feels in his actions all the time. Tell him you're through and start discussing the split.

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DollyHouse · 22/01/2014 16:03

That's exactly why he won't talk about it. He's running out of excuses and ways to fob you off and doesn't want to risk tipping his apple cart.

It's hard to let go but you deserve more than this.

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Mitzyme · 22/01/2014 16:05

He sounds like my Ds. ( sorry sweetheart ) He doesn't want to marry you and yes it sounds like he is trying to protect his assets.
If you were my daughter I would advise a cards on the table talk.
You are sacrificing everything, marriage, a family for him.
What are you getting in return. Only you know and can decide if he is worth it.
Hope I don't sound too harsh, I don't mean to.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/01/2014 16:09

You're being strung along.

Time to now part ways I think. You will get nowhere with this ultimately selfish man who likely also sees you only as the "she will do for now" woman in his life.

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NurseScorned · 22/01/2014 16:09

Most days I just kid myself that he will ask me, when he's ready but today has been a shit day. I've had to be all happy and smiley for a woman who's lovely partner just presented her with a gorgeous ring, was asked if I was married by another bloke to which I said no and then had a barrage of questions about why not and I've just been speaking to a fellow student who tells me she is getting married in summer. She asked "are you two not getting married then?" and I replied "not yet, he said when I qualify and I'm working in a steady job etc." she laughed and said "is he having a laugh or what? if he truely wanted to get married and you're not bothered about a lavish do that shit wouldn't matter!" I know deep down it wouldn't matter. Can guarantee that when I'm qualified and working in my profession the excuse will be "maybe when the kids leave home". It will go on forever.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 22/01/2014 16:09

He lied to you about marriage in order to get what he wanted.

That's called PERFIDY

You deserve better than that.

Oh, and he's not working as a team, I agree with that.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/01/2014 16:10

Do yourself a huge favour and stop kidding yourself re him. He does not want to marry you, ever.

Do not give up your whole life for such a chancer.

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JeanSeberg · 22/01/2014 16:12

Basically he told you whatever you needed to hear to get you move in together. (Who moved in with who by the way?)

Now he doesn't have to try any more.

What is the rest of the relationship like?

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scornedwoman67 · 22/01/2014 16:13

Don't waste your time on him - you will look back in ten years time and wonder why you stayed. Please don't give up everything you want from life for a man who is being utterly selfish.

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PatriciaHolm · 22/01/2014 16:14

"he "supposes" he "might" marry me at a much later date if we continue to "get on" and "work as a team"

He means never, doesn't he. if he thought it might happen, he would say so - he's avoiding the subject as he doesn't want to say "nope, never" as he's happy stringing you along thinking it might.

I guess you need to decide whether marriage is a deal breaker, and indeed can you stay with someone who treats you like this?

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QuintessentialShadows · 22/01/2014 16:16

He no longer needed to talk about marriage, when he had made you his cook, cleaner and housekeeper by moving in together.

Sorry.

He has misled you for his own gain.

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Twinklestein · 22/01/2014 16:17

So if you behave well - you 'get on', 'work as a team' he may throw a bone your way, as if you were a dog.

It's one thing not to want to get married because you've been stung before, but he is using marriage issue as a tool to manipulate you. Why do you want to marry a man who treats you like this?

It sounds like he promised marriage to get you to move in & now you're have he's moved the goalposts.

I would turn this round on him: tell him you want to be married & as he doesn't, it's over.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2014 16:18

He's 42. There is not going to be some Road to Damascus conversion here. However, he should be honest enough to tell you that.

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givemeaclue · 22/01/2014 16:22

Please don't give up your opportunity to have kids for this man. You may live to regret it

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ShowMeSaturn · 22/01/2014 16:26

Alternatovely, maybe he's planning on surprising you on your Thailand holiday, hence all the evasiveness? You never know! Bu don't pin any hopes on it.

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NurseScorned · 22/01/2014 16:27

Well he now of course denies saying that he wanted to marry again. I would never have continued the relationship if I knew in the beginning that marriage was not an option.

I don't know why he's with me at all to be honest, he says he loves me yet all he does is complain about me being messy/moody/not making an effort with his kids (totally untrue) not supporting him (again, untrue) and makes starchy comments. He buys and sells a lot on ebay and the other day he'd said he had money to transfer into the main account from paypal. So when he mentioned £40 in paypal I said "is that what you're transferring into the main account? So he said "I can do I suppose - yeah I'll just put every penny into it and keep nothing at all for myself". I later questioned why he'd reacted like this and he said that since we got together he's sold loads of stuff that "he brought into the relationship" just to keep us afloat. So he is obviously resenting it/me. I've never asked him to sell a thing.

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Mabelandrose · 22/01/2014 16:29

I think you also need to take on responsibility to discuss it with him if it's so important to you. If he isn't interested of course he won't bring it up. He is having his cake and eating it as long as you don't mention it

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Sausageeggbacon · 22/01/2014 16:30

This man is using you, there is no maybe in the future he is just saying words that makes his life easier.

Not sure how easy it would be for you two to split up but waiting for something that is never going to happen is not the brightest thing you can do.

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