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Do I give him a second chance?

(104 Posts)
Layla0000 Wed 22-Jan-14 14:06:47

Can anyone tell me how you decide whether to let go or hang on to a relationship?

I am in a difficult situation during a very unexpected separation which both of us regret and wish had not happened. He thinks we are working towards getting back together. I feel like this some days, but other days I feel like it is just over.

Without going into too many specifics we were very happy until a few months ago. Before this happened, I would have never believed I would ever consider splitting up with him. I loved him completely and everything about the relationship was fantastic.

He did something to me that I find hard to forgive. No OW, no violence. Just something that made me doubt absolutely everything and I can't seem to see "us" in the way I used to.

He let me down big time. I do forgive him for it. There were extenuating circumstances, but at the same time it still happened.

Can anyone tell me if when you feel like this it is best to either give it a try and see what happens, or whether it is best to just walk away on the basis that "if it's meant to be it will be".

The situation is very complicated and while I don't want to drip feed I also don't want to make this post really long and confusing.

Layla0000 Wed 22-Jan-14 23:13:32

Can't stop no...his boys live with their Mum. I don't think they even know anything happened. Thanks supercosy...good night x

Layla0000 Wed 22-Jan-14 23:18:13

Guilty...yes, I am the grieving process of a loss and shock and that confuses everything. Yes, I feel like I either need to forgive and forget or tell him its over. That sounds probably right and maybe I need to deal with the grief and loss before I decide what to do with us. I think in the meantime taking a break is the answer though because I feel guilty when he's around. He's been through a lot too and I end up comforting him and acting like nothing happened because I want him to feel better. I really do have to go to bed smile

cerealqueen Wed 22-Jan-14 23:30:20

Humans are fallible... and they fuck up on occasion.

This one thing he did...does it outweigh everything else (good stuff) by a mile?

Have you ever fucked up?

Do you think by asking him to spend some time by himself, to reflect might help?

Would this one fuck up, maybe, mean he wouldn't fuck up ever again?

I would probably give it my all, if he truly understands, and does likewise. Then, if all all goes belly up, I'd known I had done what I could, then no regrets.

Twinklestein Thu 23-Jan-14 18:10:44

I feel like I either need to forgive and forget or tell him its over.

I think there might be a third way whereby you are completely honest with him about how you feel: angry, grieving, not wanting to be intimate, not being sure that you can forgive him, or ever trust him again etc.

I think the suggestions of joint counselling are a a good idea, it may help you both to verbalise your feelings to each other and reach better understanding of where you both are.

Regardless of where the relationship ends up I think honesty is the only way forward.

I don't think it's realistic to expect yoruself to perform a superhuman feat of forgiveness before you're ready. Nor do you quite sound ready to say it's over yet either.

I agree with cerealqueen that if you give it one last shot to try to make it work and you can't, at least you can walk away with no regrets, knowing you did everything you could. Otherwise I think you may be left with nagging doubts later on as to whether it could have been salvageable if you'd tried.

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