Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

social services are destroying my family

(336 Posts)
justalilmummy Tue 21-Jan-14 23:08:42

Social services have ruined my family and I just dont know what to do anymore, I want to run away from it all
My partner had a mental breakdown 15 months ago, leading up to this there were a few issues (arguments got out of hand abd police were called, 3 times last time 2.5 years ago)
After hes breakdown social services became involved and we were under a child in need plan
The plan said I was to protect my children by not allowing the children to be alone with their father - which I did
Partner after being released from the psychiatric hospital after 8 days was allocated a mental health nurse who he saw regularly
Everything was going great social workers visited as they still had a slight concern about dp state of mind
4 months ago he was discharged completly as they felt he was fine now and he did not have a mental disorder
Things took a bad turn after this as social worker did not agree with the decision
They first tried to convince dp to go to the doctors and get medication to help hes ' depression' even though he does not have it.
Dp did not do this so one day they turned up in the evening and said they are very concerned and he is not to come inside the family home, we were shocked by this but he went and stayed at hes mums, which we again did
6 weeks ago a child protection conference was held and they have put the children on child protection for the 'risk of emotional abuse' as father refuses to accept hes problem and I am downplaying hes mental health issues even though hes mental health worker says he doesnt have any mental disorder!
The conference was held as if he was still in the family home which he is not
Its now got even worse as they have told us that I need therapy to come to terms with the 'domestic abuse' I have suffered and my child needs therapy as well, also dp has to attend a parenting course.
They have made it very difficult for dp to attend any of these meetings as they hold them all in the afternoon even though we have repeatedly told them he can only do mornings coz of hes work
They threatened me this afternoon that as I am reluctant to go to therapy I'm giving het ammunition to take it to court for a care order
I must add there has been absolutely no issue since hes breakdown 15 months ago
This is having an awful effect on my 4 year old ds, he is waking nightly crying for hes daddy, hes begun wetting himself at school and s not eating properly
I just dont know what to do, they say this is coz he is at risk of emotional damage when it's them causing all the upset in this household :-(

justalilmummy Tue 11-Feb-14 12:21:15

Had core meeting today found out they needto tell my work which means they wont want me anymore (I work with newborn babies) dp gone off sick so he has no money what am I going to do?

Also been told I have to tell my mum or they will, im very worried I didnt want her to know what's going on

Ive lost all control of my life

Whitershadeofpale Tue 11-Feb-14 12:27:24

I'm here. I'm sorry to hear this. You haven't been prosecuted for anything and you may not loose your job. Financially and in every other way you need to sever ties with dp. I know this is harsh but SS will see that you're choosing him over your DCs.

Your mum might be able to help you. I understand you feel ashamed and embarrassed but showing you have family support will really be a plus for you.

angeltulips Tue 11-Feb-14 12:27:48

Sorry your DH had a mental breakdown 15 months ago and you have a 5 month old baby? You fell pregnant a month after his breakdown? confused

justalilmummy Tue 11-Feb-14 12:35:08

Baby is 6 1/2 months fell pregnant just before

justalilmummy Tue 11-Feb-14 12:38:17

Whitershadeof pale they told me not to severe ties
Hes currently not living with us and only sees the children with supervision
He was giving me money for the boys but cant now hes gone off sick

justalilmummy Tue 11-Feb-14 12:43:55

I said I was willing to cut him off she said no as that would be damaging to the children
But having them around is as well... I feel like I cant win

Other than that though meeting went well they said dp has shown good interaction with the boys
Eldest starts music therapy after half term
Dp is being reassessed tomorrow and may be offered cognitive therapy so there was some good progress
Just very scared about telling my mum

With work social worker thinks it wont affect my job as its not me in question and I'm a good mum, doesnt stop me worrying though!

Whitershadeofpale Tue 11-Feb-14 12:57:42

I think maybe you need to clarify what they expect. My suspicion is that they don't want you sever ties between him and the children as that would be damaging but that they believe that you two being in a relationship is not good for them either and that there is an expectation for you to eventually end it.

They're not keen on decisions that a seeming come out of the blue. It looks as if you're just saying what they want to hear without really thinking about it and knowing the real reasons behind the decision.

justalilmummy Tue 11-Feb-14 13:02:10

.Well I did say it out of anger tbh

All they ever say is they are helping us get back together as a family as they feel we are both good parents but the boys dad is is a bad place and cannot return until he gets help..which finally hes acknowledgd
I fully understand why all this is happening but just a little upset today thats all

Spero Tue 11-Feb-14 13:04:38

Sorry to hear that. I hope it doesn't have repercussions for your job.

angeltulips Tue 11-Feb-14 13:20:08

Sorry just caught up w the thread - ignore the above! Sorry op

Spero Tue 11-Feb-14 13:33:09

It sounds like you are not sure what the plan is - presumably someone has sat down with you and discussed what needs to happen, timescales etc, etc?

If this hasn't happened I think it needs to as it isn't fair on anyone to have you floundering about like this.

What do they want you to do? What do they want him to do? no vague waffle but something concrete for e.g. 'we would like you to get X kind of help by Y date'

justalilmummy Tue 11-Feb-14 13:41:24

No they havnt said anything about timeacales ive got no idea how long this will go on/and also what to do
At first she told me I need councilling for support but today she said as I go to a singing class with baby once a week thats enough?

On the timescale note at the initial conference they said that what if he relapses when the boys are teenagers? There babies there is no way I can tell u what's gonna happen in 10+ years, so are they gonna stick around till they are 18?
And she said dp will be allowed to visit once he starts therapy, does that mean on the first session, in the I middle once it's finished? Theres not really answer for that one I know but the way she words things leaves me a bit confused sometimes

justalilmummy Tue 11-Feb-14 13:44:29

Dp agreed to councilling back in November but they have only just arranged this meanwhile theres been about 8 meetings and they all say the same he is to seek help but hes asked and asked

He wants help he doesnt want to feel this way, or be a threat to hes own kids, took him a while but he realises that when hes having a really bad day he doesnt care about anything but himself which is why he cant be around
We're getting there slowly but we are

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed Tue 11-Feb-14 13:58:40

As the OP is an adult, can they actually discuss this with her mother without consent? Surely that's a breach of data protection and client confidentiality laws?

OP, I think you need to seek legal advice in real life. The CAB and/or Womens' Aid can refer you to a solicitor who specialises in this kind of case.

justalilmummy Tue 11-Feb-14 14:41:44

Well she said to me once before that if I dnt tell my mum she will to which I said I would put a complaint in, so she dropped it but recently starter back up on it, as she is a protective factor. We have said she can talk to dp mum but she never has

I dont know if she is allowed to do this or not, she says I need support but I feel like I have enough support as it is

Spero Tue 11-Feb-14 14:45:47

This just isn't good enough. If they are having child protection conferences, there ought to be a clear plan about what everyone is doing and some timescales by which time it has to get done.

things can't just drift on like this, it is frustrating for everyone and hardly in the children's best interests.

I would ask them again to set out very clearly a written plan about what needs to happen and by when to reassure them that your children are not going to be at risk of harm.

If they can't or won't do this, I agree you probably need to see a specialist firm of solicitors.

boomoohoo Tue 11-Feb-14 20:48:35

op i have read the whole thread... you are still calling him 'dp' - are you still together?

and yes they see your mum as a protective factor, as a single parent you will really benefit from her support

boomoohoo Tue 11-Feb-14 20:52:45

have you felt yourself getting drawn back into dp's problems? detach detach detach, you have to for the sake of your kids.

As well as the amazing support you have received here, i think you may really benefit from counselling. i know theres always a long waiting list, but put your name on it love.

Wierdowith6fabkids Sun 04-May-14 03:35:05

Social services have repeatedly invaded my life stressed my kids to the point of abuse,,lied said vile untruths just the usual. Why? Because I am not the norm and I believe in speaking my mind( a crime in poor people). How do I combat these monsters? Oh my older children have all done normally well,my youngest at 14 has a 99.6% attendance and teachers love her! Not relevant apparently,how can these monsters operate,I realise there must be services but why do they have to employ mostly underachievers with huge chips or foreigners who cannot understand my queens English ?.My partner of 7 yrs is 24 yrs younger than me,and they cannot leave us be,they want him out so badly they will do almost anything? Damm should have got back with abusive 1st hubby,they love him!,they used to have a cuppa at his house when in the area!

flipflapsflop Sun 04-May-14 07:52:37

right now social services are actively gaslighting my sister. they have been told to change their incorrect files by a judge, but won't as they prefer their analysis of " parental discord" than to accept the view of the court that the father is a nasty bully. he of course plays the poor me card which they buy, and that allows him to actually emotionally abuse and physically hurt his son. bonkers.

flipflapsflop Sun 04-May-14 07:56:09

he basically has spent 8 years saying she accuses him of sexual abuse to bar contact. weirdly, she hasn't barred contact or accused him of sexual abuse. she has said he is emotionally abusive and cafcass and the court agreed. however, social services prefer to think of it as a he had presented it to them. they keep saying that she has accused him, despite there being no evidence other than him saying that she has. utterly surreal.

FelineLou Sun 04-May-14 17:00:56

Weirdow and Flip neither of your posts are helpful to OP who has just begun to recognise SS positive attempts to help her little family. I do not doubt your terrible problems but they should be in their own threads not reinforcing OP's original worries.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 04-May-14 17:40:30


justalilmummy Wed 07-May-14 23:43:06

Something really bad has happened o think they might take my babies

NigellasDealer Wed 07-May-14 23:44:41

what has happened lilmummy?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now