I am paying all the bills!

[KitsyCat]

Sorry in advance if I ramble!

Me and DP moved into our first place together May 2013, on the premise that I would cover the rent and bills until he was able to contribute his part.

However 9 months down the line, there have been 2 interviews and an e-commerce website set up. I mean, I'm so happy and proud of what he's managed to achieve with it, but none of the income is coming back into the house (aside from a few quid here and there for emergencies). In addition to this, he's also a non-professional carer for my MIL.

AIBU in expecting maybe slightly more of a contribution?

As much as I've tried not to let it bother me, I can't help feeling like I'm being taken advantage of financially, especially now it's been going on so long.

As well as the bills, I have been lending him money for bits and bobs, not that I've seen a penny back.

It does sound as if the relationship is all about the money we don't have, but we are very much in love and do really enjoy each other's company. But our financial situation is putting a strain on that.

Any advice?

[CailinDana]

Is he making any money?

[KitsyCat]

As I said, it is literally a few pounds here and there, otherwise it goes to things he wants.

[arfishy]

2 interviews in 9 months? It sounds like he's not trying very hard, and why would he, when you're paying for everything?

If he's not too proud to take your money now, how do you think he'll behave in the future? Do you think he'll share financial responsibility once he's earning?

It sounds like he's in IT. Has he been training to increase his job prospects while he's not been working? Using MOOCS for example, which are free but very high standard? Has he got a really good LinkedIn profile, which will bring companies to him?

When he did work (when did he last work?) did he pay for his share of things, meals out, trips?

[KitsyCat]

Yeah, fair point!

There was always a lot if talk about how much he hated not bringing in an income blah blah blah, and I used to feel bad for him but honestly I find myself resenting him at times! (That sounds terrible!)

I've tried to steer him towards things like that, but it's always something that was dismissed and TBH I've given up!

His last job was a dead end fast food job. And everything was paid for on credit cards - so three guesses where that's got him.

It is so difficult to approach the subject with him without being met with anger/defensiveness I do tend to avoid the subject (which is not any help!)

I don't know, I'm really getting to the end of my tether here.

(Thank you for your reply btw! It is so great to have someone else's POV)

[OxfordBags]

He won't get JSA if he's living with someone in a relationship.

[AnUnearthlyChild]

It is so difficult to approach the subject with him without being met with anger/defensiveness

Not good

[expatinscotland]

This guy is a cocklodger. He is sponging off you.

You need to dump.

[Mellowandfruitful]

Yes, is he getting any money at the moment? And is he spending what he's got wastefully? If he is cheerfully buying 'things he wants' but not contributing to bills, my patience would be wearing a bit thin by now.

[arfishy]

I've lived with a cocklodger for a long time (complex reasons why I can't get out) and this behaviour is setting off alarm bells.

Are you currently renting? Are you planning to buy a house? Would you ever want to be supported through maternity leave?

YANBU to be expecting a contribution and while the economic climate is tough, I think he isn't showing much desire to get back to work or improve himself in any way.

I work in IT full time (see cocklodger comment above), do all the school/children related stuff and still study for an MBA to improve my prospects. If I wasn't working I would be treating getting back to work as my job - spending all day on it, studying and applying for roles.

I think he needs an ultimatum. You need to think very carefully about whether you want somebody so completely unambitious and lazy in your life in the long term and what it might mean for your future.

[Bogeyface]

So he is making some money, but is spunking it on crap that he wants, and then sponging off you when that money runs out?

Big of him.

If he is unofficial carer to his mother, I suggest you kick him out to live there. He is clearly more use to her than he is to you.

[KitsyCat]

He's currently getting carers allowance for helping out his mum, and a small amount from his online stuff. But no JSA (as above).

He's in the process of paying a debt management company to help get that issue sorted but apart from that, it is frivolous things that he does not really need. And rather than thinking 'what do we need in the house?' It will always be 'what do I need?'. If only I had the same luxury!

Aside from the money, it's also the time. I work normal hours and he will still be on his PC until gone midnight some days. Obviously then he's too tired for any time together, let alone sex! Same with weekends.

Hmm, I think an ultimatum could be the way forward. I'm just not sure how to breach the subject.

[arfishy]

Does he bring anything to your relationship?

[Monty27]

It's called cocklodger they are normally dumped from what I've learned on here so did it myself.

[KitsyCat]

Yeah, he does.
I know I've made it sound all about money but it's not. We have an incredibly loving relationship and he's my best friend, hence why I am still with him through this!
I just feel that our current situation is stopping us from moving forward as a couple. (If that makes any sense)

[expatinscotland]

Why bother? This guy will never change. He's a loser. You say, 'This relationship is over. You need to be out by X' and then follow up.

[Mellowandfruitful]

I'd tell him what you've said above. You feel as if you're not a real couple, you are playing at that while he thinks only if himself and you play mum and look after him, and that's now how you want to see your future. So if he wants a future with you, that dynamic has to change.

[tallwivglasses]

I sincerely hope he's contributing in other ways - most of the housework, cooking, etc?

[KitsyCat]

Yeah he is, begrudgingly - insert lots of complaints about how I don't do as much. But why should I? I'm not the one that's here the majority of the day!

Every time I try and bring the subject up, the defence is that I can either have him working solidly to earn enough to contribute or he spends time with me. Not really a choice I want to make, and still no solution to either issue. I'd rather have him around than the money!

[gamerchick]

If you are as close as you say you are then you should be able to talk about things.

Tell him you're getting a bit fed up of providing for him,that it's starting to make you feel resentful and if he doesn't tip up soon it'll eventually be the death of your relationship.

If that doesn't work then you're on a hiding to nothing.

[Bogeyface]

So in a nutshell

No sex
No money contributed
No couple time
Selfish spending
Bad grace housework ("helping" you out?)
On a debt management plan

How many hours a week does he carry out his caring duties?

Get rid. You can do soooo much better.

[Bogeyface]

I'd rather have him around than the money!

So which is it?

You moan he doesnt contribute, but then say you would rather have him around than his money! And btw, he can work enough to contribute AND spend time with you, he just doesnt want to.

And as it is, you are getting neither. So pick one. Tell him that you want him there for you 24/7, or tell him that you need him to contribute 50% of the bills and you will do 50% of the housework. Give him 6 months.

I guarantee you that in 7 months you will be back here, pissed off at being his meal ticket, but still making excuses for him.

[DistanceCall]

I completely agree with gamerchick. If you truly are in a loving relationship, he shouldn't mind you telling him about this. It MIGHT be possible that he hasn't really given much thought to it. But he should be mortified when you let him know that this issue is bothering you.

Otherwise, get rid.

[KitsyCat]

It does sound awful laid out like that.

But I love him. (However bloody stupid that may be!) And I don't want to break it off over something as trivial as money and stress over work!

And he's round there every week day. Not to sound spiteful, but she does have private professional carers in every day, yet still manages to find huge amounts for him to do.

I completely understand the stress he's under, he's effectively doing all the hours' work and getting a small amount of pay at the end, with pressure from me. But he doesn't seem to have the same insight to how I feel about the situation.

[Bogeyface]

And I don't want to break it off over something as trivial as money and stress over work!

It isnt trivial though is it?

You are his meal ticket and he is an excuse maker. The fact that his mother is(according to him) using him as he is using you, doesnt make any of this right.

FWIW, I am a carer for my dad. I dont get paid for it (neither does mum), I have 6 kids and am currently looking for a full time job. When I get that job, I will still be a carer and a mother.

I can do it. So could he. He doesnt want to and he doesnt have to, because he knows that you will pick up the slack.