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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So, I tried to namechange but it wouldn't work.

71 replies

Caff2 · 21/01/2014 21:34

I am in a happy relationship; I love my partner and we have two kids. A lot of crap has happened recently in my life (work related, been awful), and I'm trying to see a way through.

I have a friend, I've known him for twenty years, since we were 15 or so, and over the years when single, we have had a bit of a "thing" occasionally. Last time was about three years ago when my partner and I were "on a (brief) break".

He's been in contact recently and asked me if I'd like to go and see him for a break from all the (fairly awful) stuff that's going on. Thing is, I'm not sure how altruistic his intentions are, plus I feel quite wretched and miserable at the moment.

I shouldn't go, should I?

OP posts:

Report

AngelinaK · 21/01/2014 21:37

No.....

Caff2 · 21/01/2014 21:37

That's what I thought. I do WANT to though.

OP posts:

LCHammer · 21/01/2014 21:38

No. You're with your DP now. There must be an easier way to make you feel better.

MissPryde · 21/01/2014 21:40

No. Don't even put yourself in the position of making a decision in an emotional state which you can't change later.

Caff2 · 21/01/2014 21:40

He has a really carefree life in London working in theatre and we have always had really good fun - thing is, last time I went there was the frisson and stuff did happen - I do see him as "just" a friend now, but equally, I'm feeling really unhappy and low, and I'm not sure if it might go wrong if I went.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2014 21:42

How altruistic his intentions??? As you're clearly going to meet up with him anyway, give my regards to Shaftesbury Avenue.....

Caff2 · 21/01/2014 21:45

Yeah, well thanks for the sarcasm. I'm really not "clearly" going to meet up with him, but I would LIKE to. Just not sure if I'm acting in the best interests of anyone. As well as the work shit, there's some other stuff with a friend's bad health and a few things, and I'd like to run away. For a tiny bit.

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AnyFucker · 21/01/2014 21:47

Why could you not name change, have you emailed HQ ?

TrinityRhino · 21/01/2014 21:50

don't go

you're feeling low and things could happen as you are vulnerable

you says things have happened before so its almost a given

I doubt that he is expecting nothing to happen

Caff2 · 21/01/2014 21:50

Forgot password and couldn't be bothered to fix it as just thought would post anyway, since it doesn't make much difference.

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Walkacrossthesand · 21/01/2014 21:51

Trouble is, you can't really run away from 'it' for a bit - 'it' will all still be there while you're away, and waiting for you when you get back, plus all the complicated feelings awakened by having a nice time away from 'it'. Is there anyone who could look after your DCs for a day/overnighter, so you and DP can escape together?

MichaelFinnigan · 21/01/2014 21:52

Do you want to risk heaping a load more complication and additional guilt on your already stressful situation? Wouldn't seem a bright idea to me, although I understand your temptation

Caff2 · 21/01/2014 21:56

TrinityRhino - I don't know, but he could well be expecting nothing to happen as he knows my relationship status and we have met up before and nothing's happened, lots of times. Only has when I've been a teenager or very unhappy.

Walkacrossthesand - Good idea, but money is a huge issue and we don't have any (unpaid) childcare really. And the little one has never been left overnight.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/01/2014 22:00

You have no money for childcare so are contemplating leaving your dc with your partner while you go off and shag Mr Luvvie Luvvie man ?

Nice. If you were a bloke you would be (justifiably) crucified on here.

Sort out your primary relationship or end it. But don't make a twat of yourself in the process.

Caff2 · 21/01/2014 22:03

I never said I was going to shag him, I said I'd like to go away and have a break. I've known him twenty years and we're friends. We are not having any kind of relationship. BUT I am very low, my life's falling apart professionally, and as a knock on at home too, and when I was not doing so well before, and was technically single, something happened between us.

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AnyFucker · 21/01/2014 22:05

Give over.

Caff2 · 21/01/2014 22:08

Thanks. Crikey, if you can't ask for a bit of help, even if it seems self indulgent, on an anonymous - ish forum, then I guess the answer is to say nothing or tell some RL person with all the risk that carries. When you feel utterly despondent anyway.

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Sa88yt1ts · 21/01/2014 22:11

However good / innocent your intentions, you are feeling vulnerable and we all make unusual decisions in that frame of mind....I wouldn't. X

AnyFucker · 21/01/2014 22:11

You are getting help. It just isn't very palatable to you right now.

You said you are in a happy relationship...talk to him not some sexually opportunistic lothario you seem to be romanticising in your head.

knowledgeispower · 21/01/2014 22:13

Personally I wouldn't go, I'd resist the 'urge'so to speak!

If childcare is an issue enjoy a romantic night in with your man. Spoil each other, it doesn't have to be expensive.

Obviously you associate this friend with fun carefree times but what you really need to do is speak to your partner and find a way to work through this difficult period together! :-)

Caff2 · 21/01/2014 22:15

When did he become that? I just wanted to make sure MY intentions were clear and was a bit worried about the past history, seeing as he is single and commitment free, and I am slowly but surely losing the plot. And really want to get away.

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Caff2 · 21/01/2014 22:17

Sorry, missed your post, knowledgeispower, it makes sense, thanks.

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nevergoogle · 21/01/2014 22:18

the advice you are getting is the correct advice.

it's just not what you want to hear.

don't you have friends you could go to for the weekend where there's no risk of sleeping with them? you know, proper friends who you can have a good time with, that will cheer you up and send you home with a spring in your step.

Caff2 · 21/01/2014 22:21

I do have proper friends, I guess, in that sense, but all married/partnered with kids and quite local. I'm not going by the way, but I think some of the comments have been a bit weird to extrapolate from my OP. Lothario??

I shall just struggle on with it all here, I guess.

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baggyb · 21/01/2014 22:22

I think that as you're feeling so low, you shouldn't go to see him, no matter how much you feel you need to escape. Due to your history with him, it's risky. It could completely jeopardise your relationship. Do you have a female friend you could visit for a day or two to clear your head?

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