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AIBU? How long to wait for engagement ring?

(73 Posts)
redcarrot1 Tue 21-Jan-14 11:38:53

Just canvasing opinions here...partner of 10 years finally got round to proposing (also just about to have his baby). He's not one for grand romantic gestures and thats fine, plus he's hopelessly disorganised, but 2 months later an engagement ring has yet to appear. I don't really feel like it's official unless there's an (inexpensive) ring.

AIBU to start getting impatient? I sort of snapped the other day and said sod it, lets not bother if you lack this must I said, it's not about the monetary value.

redcarrot1 Tue 21-Jan-14 12:42:28

To be fair, I am also not that concerned about a wedding day at the moment - too much else going on. We are both fairly laid back types (obviously him more so). I just feel an engagement makes our relationship a bit more official.

Thing is, he's always been this sort of person, so as my mother has pointed out, I either like it or lump it.

hillbilly Tue 21-Jan-14 12:42:36

Talk to him about it. DH proposed to me in the middle of the sea on holiday and we were already TTC. I became pregnant 2 months later and the wedding was set for the January when I was 4 months pregnant. I got my engagement ring about 2 weeks before the wedding at the same time as we bought our wedding bands. I was slightly peeved that I was not able to wear one for the whole engagement but our finances wouldn't allow it. That was 9 years ago and now I don't care that it was late grin

TheDoctorsNewKidneys Tue 21-Jan-14 12:43:14

YANBU at all OP.

DP and I got engaged pretty early (after 5 months) but he still did it properly. He saved for a ring and got down on one knee and took me out to celebrate afterwards. We set a date three months ago (about 4 months after getting engaged) and we're now in the process of planning our wedding for September next year.

He doesn't seem very enthusiastic hmm

Jan45 Tue 21-Jan-14 12:47:46

So if you're engaged what do you say to your friends when they ask to see the ring?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 21-Jan-14 12:48:54

When DH and I were out shopping I went to look in a jewellers, pointed out a ring I liked and went in and tried it on. The assistants were trying to push him to buy it but I just said it was lovely and we left. A less pushy assistant, who had a clue, secretly gave him a card with all the details on it and later he went back and ordered it and then went back and picked it up. I am not sure how long he had the ring when he proposed but he asked me three times, gave me the ring and then I said I wanted to pick the date before we told anyone so that no one else could have a say and interfere. He didn't want a long engagement so we were married 9 months later. So much easier to get married before having children imo as they just take so much time and energy as well as money.

Op - it is time for a proper talk with your baby's father.

JeanSeberg Tue 21-Jan-14 12:49:13

He's stalled for ten years and is still stalling

I agree with Jan45. He's managed to buy himself a bit more time with a semi-proposal but without a ring or talk of a wedding, you're actually no further on.

JeanSeberg Tue 21-Jan-14 12:51:07

Sorry I missed the bit where you're expecting his baby.

I'd be very careful about protecting your financial interests with this guy. Are you on maternity leave at the moment?

morethanpotatoprints Tue 21-Jan-14 12:54:44

Unless you can afford it and everything else is paid for YABU to expect one at all.
I hate all this materialistic shit, its the marriage vows that count not the sparklies.
I didn't have one, but might have considered it had we had the money to afford a family party and celebration, announcements in local press etc. There seems a point then.

redcarrot1 Tue 21-Jan-14 12:54:47

Bloody hell, you lot are making me feel like I should pack the entire relationship in. I'm about to have his baby.

I think he was hoping I'd just pick one of his mum's rings and save himself some cash. This is the way he thinks.

oscarwilde Tue 21-Jan-14 12:55:15

It could work in your favour? You could send him shopping when the baby is delivered and see if his emotions get the better of him and he splurges on something fantastic? grin


JeanSeberg Tue 21-Jan-14 12:56:16

I think he was hoping I'd just pick one of his mum's rings

How do you feel about the fact that he suggested that?

How is the rest of the relationship?

redcarrot1 Tue 21-Jan-14 12:56:29

He can definitely afford to buy a ring.

Basketofchocolate Tue 21-Jan-14 12:59:52

I don't have an engagement or wedding ring. Would have worn it if bought one, but we're both grown ups, and rings are expensive and only jewellery.

The important thing is that he wants to marry. That's WAY more important than a bit of metal.

I don't really 'get' the engagement and wedding fuss and nonsense myself and this is perhaps cos spent my formative years in company of males who (generally speaking) don't give a toss about all of that stuff.

Perhaps he sees you as a modern woman who doesn't need a bit of bling to feel loved by him? Did you get him something? Perhaps he's feeling put out too?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-Jan-14 13:02:25

This isn't an 'LTB'... but you have to stop being laid back and put a rocket under the guy. What's missing here is enthusiasm and a sense of occasion on his part. Now it may be his default setting but it's coming across as 'can't be arsed'. So tell him that this is his big chance to shake off his natural torpor and demonstrate the depth of his feeling for you in the form of romantic initiative & expensive jewellery. Challenge him to come up with something exciting and personal.... Not unreasonable.

Logg1e Tue 21-Jan-14 13:03:01

I think YANBU to want a ring.

I think YABU if you haven't told him how important this is to you, and just spend every weekend waiting to be disappointed and proved right.

I really don't know what I would do if I was with a man who heard me say, "this is important to me" and then ignored me.

BaronessBomburst Tue 21-Jan-14 13:04:28

I also have an extremely laid-back husband. In fact I was amazed when he did propose to me as I had never expected him to get around to it. I wanted a jewellery box for a significant birthday and it languished in the Amazon wish list for two years before I finally got fed up and just put it in the basket instead. It appeared as my Christmas present. grin

You just need to say to him that you want your ring and that the two of you are going shopping this Saturday to buy it. It'll be fine.

Jan45 Tue 21-Jan-14 13:04:54

He can't even make the effort of going to a jewellery shop (hundreds of them) to pick up a £30 ring for you. Rings do not have to be expensive, it's a symbol, nobody's gonna know the cost!

If he wants to give you one of his mum's rings then why hasn't he, it's two months now.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 21-Jan-14 13:20:03

"What's missing here is enthusiasm"


He has no enthusiasm and it seems like he only proprosed because you are pregnant.

(Why on earth did you get pregnant by this lazy, unmotivated, uncommitted shite anyway?)

longtallsally2 Tue 21-Jan-14 13:20:15

Thing is, he's always been this sort of person, so as my mother has pointed out, I either like it or lump it.

This. It is him you are having a baby with and have agreed to marry, not some romantic, organised, proactive bloke. YANBU in wanting an engagement ring, but YABU in wanting one from this man! Mine is just the same: my mother-in-law gave me my ring in the end, and I looove it. (DH gave it me again later on!) I settled for the guy, and bought my own wedding ring, Christmas present etc. He does other stuff. He's magnificent at ironing, great at tidying up and putting out the bins, we share the same values, but he's useless at DIY, unromantic, hopeless at doing stuff 'because that's what people do' etc. etc.

You will be in a lot of anguish and frustration if you think he is going to become different for the big occasions in life. He might change a little - I got a Christmas present this year, and I got a big birthday present for my big birthday last year (after I booked the hotel and took us away for the weekend!) - but you will suffer a lot of heartache if you expect him to become different.

You might like to start talking to him now about what happens once you have a child together. There were lots of things I assumed my dh would know or do, because I though everyone did them, and then got frustrated when he didn't. He's just as laid back about children as he is about engagement rings. Forewarned is forearmed.

cheeseandpineapple Tue 21-Jan-14 13:24:15

Agree with Cog, medal not a ring and a rocket up his can't be arsed arse.

Jan45 Tue 21-Jan-14 13:32:12

You don't have to be romantic, organised or proactive to go to the High St and buy some crappy ring out a shop, I'd imagine most normal functioning men could manage this.

A man either wants to marry you or not, by the sounds of the above a lot of men have simply been coerced into the marriage.

If a man wants to really marry you, the least he does is buy you a bloody ring.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 21-Jan-14 13:38:28

"I don't have an engagement or wedding ring. Would have worn it if bought one, but we're both grown ups, and rings are expensive and only jewellery."

bsketofchocoalte - what has been a grown up got to do with anything? I expect 100%of posters on here can guess you are what with being married.

redcarrot1 Tue 21-Jan-14 13:55:42

longtallsally2 you've made me really laugh. This is such an accurate portrayal! And I have definitely been warned now...

Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess I'll just have to march him and his bank card to the nearest jewellers.

Its not the romantic image I had hoped for but its going to have to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-Jan-14 14:00:29

It's also immaterial that one person didn't need a ring and another doesn't mind enduring an unromantic block of wood as a partner as long as they do the ironing hmm. The OP is looking - as a once in a lifetime, never-to-be-repeated thing - for a gesture, an effort, a token of love. It's important to her and therefore it's not unreasonable.

Jan45 Tue 21-Jan-14 14:03:28

Cog's right, as usual.

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