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Feeling utterly wrung out & need support

(81 Posts)
themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 08:18:18

STBXH & I separated 18 months ago & got back together 3 months later. We had many highs & lows & he continued to live apart from us but spent a lot of time at home with us. We had couples counselling & many plans for him to move back in. Before Christmas I said we needed to shit or get off the pot now & sort ourselves out after Christmas.

Christmas was tense & illness, work & his attitude spoilt things. Just after New Year he went awol saying he needed time & space to work & concentrate on that.

Last weekend he had my youngest DD for weekend & she came home on Sunday & said there had been a strange lady & her children in Daddy's house she didn't know. I confronted him when he dropped her off & apparently he met her out somewhere last tuesday night & was now seeing her & our relationship was over but because in his mind we split up on boxing day he has done nothing wrong.

We made love over new year & he did not end the relationship with me although he avoided me.

How could he wheel a new woman & a her kids in after 5 days to meet my DD & start seeing someone without even telling me it's over between us?

I'm reeling with shock & disbelief. Tell me it gets better!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-Jan-14 08:42:00

I'm sorry you've had such a shock. What you're describing on his part is a typical fence-sitting behaviour, keeping all his options open. As someone said the other day 'not letting go of one branch until he had hold of the next'. It's incredibly cruel and deceitful, not to mention cowardly. I suppose you'e worked out that this woman has been part of his life for quite some time? Bet she doesn't know the score either.

However, if there's something positive to take from this, it's that you're not going to waste a second more of your time on false hopes that it can all go back to how it was. You're going to be very, very low for a while but you can draw a line under it. Suggest you get legal advice.

LyndaCartersBigPants Tue 21-Jan-14 10:49:58

It will get better, now that he's got off the pot you can move on from his dramatics and let him mess with somebody else's head.

We're all here for you xx

Jan45 Tue 21-Jan-14 12:28:41

He's one of those creeps who has to have a woman lined up before leaving his present partner - selfish and entitled and you are well rid and yes of course it will get better, you can do so much better.

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 15:12:40

It's such a kick in the teeth isn't it? At least I feel angry today not sobbing I suppose angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-Jan-14 15:13:54

Angry is good. Sobbing just gives you puffy eyes and a headache. Indignant fury gives you energy and purpose. You're going to screw him for every penny now aren't you?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-Jan-14 15:18:13

He is going to be a delightful trustworthy partner to his new gf (not) and the best bit is he won't be able to inflict new hurt on you from now on. I am sorry he kept you dangling but now go and see where you stand financially.

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 15:29:58

The financial position is not necessarily very good for me. The house is mine that I owned before we met & next week I am in court because my previous ex is suing me for a larger share than originally agreed. He is renting a house although he does own a house in Spain which has very little or zero equity. He does however earn 3 times what I do & owns a company & has a pension he pays £500 a month into which must be potentially worth a bit but has only had for 4 years. There is no lump sum to be had I think but he was £60k in debt when we met & is no in no debt other than business overdrafts from time to time.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-Jan-14 15:37:19

I hope you get it sorted out.

skyeskyeskye Tue 21-Jan-14 15:56:27

He has treated you appallingly. It amazes me how they see things so differently to the actual truth.

You have tried hard to no avail. Don't waste any more emotion on him.

It does get better, just be kind to yourself in the meantime. And protect your DC's feelings as best you can.

Leavenheath Tue 21-Jan-14 17:19:14

Did you used to have a similar name OP and is this the bloke who was having an affair with his cousin?

I'm so sorry for your fresh hurt, but I'll wait for you to come back before posting more.

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 17:52:04

Yes the same man I'm afraid! There's no going back from this though. An emotional affair (the sexual bit with the cousin was around the time we met) that followed it is one thing but he's actually buggered off with someone this time. So that's that.

Leavenheath Tue 21-Jan-14 18:05:42

Oh love sad

Do you think in truth, he's been with this woman a lot longer?

I'm so glad you've had enough now. I remember your earlier posts well and as you might remember, was really worried for you at one point when it looked like you were giving him another chance.

Have you got good representation to face the battle with the ex?

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 18:49:45

Yes probably & who knows if ANYTHING he said was true. It matters not - he's most definitely at it now.

Yes v expensive barrister who normally acts as a district family court judge so hopefully she'll get a good result.

Leavenheath Tue 21-Jan-14 19:02:15

I do hope so.

Will you have easier and quicker access to GUM checks than most of us? It would be a good idea to get yourself checked out if he's been having sex with both of you. I'm sure you've thought of this, but just in case? Shock's a horrible thing isn't it when common sense can take a nosedive?

I don't suppose this will help much at the moment, but as an outsider who's seen your posts for years, I'm glad you've seen the light about this bloke. As I recall, he led you a merry dance for years with his behaviour and you made so many allowances for him.

It would have been so much worse in my view if he'd moved back in and you'd never found out. I suspect he's been 'at it' for years but at least you've now got rock solid proof and have no doubts about what should happen next.

Please don't think I'm minimising your hurt and shock because I'm sure it really hurts after all the investments you've made in him, but from an outsider who genuinely wishes you well because you're such a stalwart to others, I'm hoping this will one day be a cause for celebration for you.


themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 19:08:18

Yes I know. Friends in RL feel the same - that I've invested so much in him & made so many allowances for his mental health issues but the bottom line is there ain't no cure for arseholitis is there?

I have been blamed for & punished for all his negative feelings & issues & despite some lovely moments I have to accept that they were just moments, the majority of the time I was treated badly.

Leavenheath Tue 21-Jan-14 19:14:26

I'm really pleased to hear you sounding like this. Like you finally see him how he is.

That's so true about arsholitis grin

Makes me so cross when posters try to excuse any old crap behaviour by saying but your husband is ill

Meh, not everyone who's got mental health issues acts like an arsehole. As if arseholes never get ill either?

What support do you need now? What can we do to help?

louby44 Tue 21-Jan-14 19:15:21

These men behave appallingly don't they. They have no decency.

My relationship ended 6 weeks ago and my ex soon had another woman. I don't know if he was seeing her before?

So hurt. Disgusting behaviour!

starsandunicorns Tue 21-Jan-14 19:17:39

Just remmber you got through another day just keep doing day by day sending good supportive vibes for you thanks

themidwife Tue 21-Jan-14 19:20:39

I guess I just need to hear that I'll be happy again one day. And that if (ha ha) I ever do want to have another relationship there are good men out there.

starsandunicorns Tue 21-Jan-14 19:26:02

You will be happy

You will be content

You are strong to deal with this

Each day the light at the end of the tunnel becomes brighter

Rember you are a wonderful thoughtful person with a warm fuzzy soul

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jan-14 19:26:12

he's finally done something right, love

no going back now

he's actually done you a favour

skyeskyeskye Tue 21-Jan-14 19:43:03

midwife - I have very recently met somebody, in the local pub of all places. It is very early days, but he is a lovely man and I honestly never thought that I would meet anybody decent ever again. and if this doesn't work out, it has proved that there is life after the XH. (not trying to hijack thread, just trying to say that it really does happen because that is the question that you asked). I am happier than I have been in a very long time.

There are some decent men out there, I promise. They may seem few and far between, but they are out there. Just lick your wounds, get your court battle out of the way, start divorce proceedings on H and then give yourself some time to deal with everything.

You WILL meet somebody when the time is right. You tried your hardest, but with a very difficult person who blamed everything on his MH issues or on you. Time to hold your head up high and move on with dignity.

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jan-14 20:02:47

ooo, skye smile

Minimammoth Tue 21-Jan-14 20:32:46

Waste no more time, and give him no more chance Midwife, save your energy for you and your family, you will win through, he does not know what he is losing.

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