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Having panic attacks over ex's 'new' GF.

(31 Posts)
Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 19:15:50

Tried to name change, couldn't remember my bloody password. Sorry this is long.

Ex ended things with me 8 months ago after almost 20 years together and three kids. We'd been having issues for months, with him being a dick over his phone (he was texting another woman, he's finally admitted it) and me searching for evidence of him cheating, confronting him and him essentially making me think I was going mad.

He finished things by telling me he didn't love me anymore. I did post at the time and got lots of great advice. Since then I've taken the kids and moved near to my parents. I won't lie and say it's great because it isn't. I'm just getting through each day on autopilot. I hate being a single parent, have struggled with parenting in general since having DD 12 years ago, and feel that I'm just muddling through.

Ex was here for the weekend to see the kids and as he was leaving yesterday asked for a a word. He told me he's kind of seeing someone. Has seen her a couple of times in the last two months. I asked questions and it's the suspected OW from before we split.

I'm devastated all over again. I'm back to square one, where I was 8 months ago. I can't let go and have stupidly been holding out hope that he was going to change his mind and want me again. I haven't eaten since yesterday lunchtime, have no appetite at all, barely slept at all last night and have had a couple of panic attacks today, struggling to breathe.

I feel like I want things to end. I contemplated getting on a train today and never coming back. That or something more drastic. I just feel completely shit and hollow inside.

I know I'm rambling - just looking for some words of advice to help me keep it together - again.

ConfusedLady8 Tue 21-Jan-14 11:01:09

(and also...really...deep, deep down you know you don't want to be married and grow old with someone like this. Wait and see, life will bring you something better...someone you can rely on through thick and thin)

ConfusedLady8 Tue 21-Jan-14 10:58:55

A friend of mine's husband ran out on her with an OW after 16 years about two years ago. She was devastated.

A year after that their divorce went through and she had a second meltdown.

A few months later her ex married the OW and she had a third meltdown.

9 months later her ex had a baby with the OW (my friend couldn't have kids) and she had the fourth and final meltdown.

A few months on from that, I talked to her last week and she feels a sense of relief in a way. There is now NOTHING else he can do to hurt her. He's done it all.

It's natural for you to keep going like this, and as each one comes you will get stronger and braver and after a while there won't be anything left that he can do to hurt you.

I cannot imagine by the way the pain of the breakdown of a 20 year marriage in this sort of way. Big hugs to you, but know that it is OK and perfectly normal to feel so devastated all over again.


dunsborough Tue 21-Jan-14 04:24:46

So sorry whisks.Sounds as though you have had a rough time. I agree with the other posters who said he is NOT your friend. You need to withdraw and become aloof.

You are not fat and unemployed. You are a full-time mother who is in the process of getting fitter. smile
It's time to throw yourself into joining things in your new town - parents & friends group at school, sporting associations, church, book club etc.
You need to get busy and create a new life for you and your children.

Bedtime1 Tue 21-Jan-14 04:04:16

Just wanted to say I am sorry and you deserve much better. Time is a healer . Be strong ... X

Aussiemum78 Tue 21-Jan-14 02:18:01

It really struck me that you described yourself as "fat, unemployed and no friends". I think you've tied your self worth to your marriage for a very long time and you are really lost now without that anchor.

There are other things that you can anchor yourself around though, which will help you let go more easily.

When you feel ready, start thinking of what you want your future to be, regardless of relationships and children. Do you want to get into shape? What sports do you enjoy? Swimming, gym, hiking, marathons, dance classes - anything! Do you want to study towards a new career? What would interest you? Meeting friends through art, craft, music, volunteering. Baby steps. It can be as simple as "I will invite a friend to a movie once a month". You may not be able to change your marriage, but the other things you don't like about yourself can be changed.

It might be just going through the motions but it might just help you start to feel better too.

shey02 Mon 20-Jan-14 23:42:40

It's not easy OP and the setbacks that come with these situations are raw and painful, but honestly, you'll get through this, little by little, time is a healer. And tiny little things you can do for yourself, to raise your mood will add up to a healthier, happier you.

Us humans we crave stability and familiarity and when things change it throws us off, but you need a better life, not your old shitty ex. Best revenge on shitty ex's and their shitty ow's, getting your shit together, walking tall and saying £$%@ you to that mediocre life and giving a hell yeah to whatever comes next.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 22:50:41

8 months is no time at all, but it's especially no time when you've been on hold rather than moving forwards because you've still had a hope he'll change his mind.

Well listen up sister! Doesn't matter if he changes his mind, because YOU DON'T WANT HIM!

Feel your anger, and realise that you don't want him back anyway. What a cowardly shit he is, cheating on you, putting you through the anguish of suspicion.

Yes you'll be hurt and yes you'll be angry - but you'll get through this faster once you realise you don't actually want him any more. Recognise that what you're feeling us a natural need for him to want you. It helps restore your shattered self esteem. But wanting him to want you, isn't the same as truly wanting him.

It's a cliché but you can do better. And will. Fuck him, and horse he rode in on.

Have a big sob with your mum, then be thankful you don't have him as a millstone round your neck any more. He's done you a favour, showing his lily livered true colours!

MaryShelley Mon 20-Jan-14 21:59:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chocberry Mon 20-Jan-14 21:56:35

I completely understand how you feel op.
My ex told me he is moving new gf in soon. We have been apart 8 months. I thought I was doing really well but it really set me back and I felt how I felt when we first broke up. Well it's now been a month since he told me and already I'm feeling a little better. But I remember the overwhelming anxiety and disbelief that he is with someone else.
It felt so surreal. We were together a long time with dc.

Letting him stay for the weekend is only going to hinder your recovery I'm afraid. It's best to keep contact to the bare minimum.
I'm friendly with my ex (only for dcs benefit) but when I've spoken with him on phone or face to face it makes me feel so much worse. So now I choose to only text rather than speak and it has helped me.

It's still very early days for you, unfortunately you have to ride this out and eventually the waves will calm and you will find peace and happiness again.

wishingyouwell Mon 20-Jan-14 20:54:43

So sorry to hear you are feeling so low OP. You are a whole individual and always were you just need to find what it is that makes you happy. We are multii dimensional creatures and sometimes just need to be more creative with how and where we find serenity.
I hope you find serenity soon whiskwarrior you owe it to yourself and your children. What OW and your partner did is extremely difficult to deal with but it will get better for you and always remember that what we put out in the world comes back at us or what goes around comes around. You may not see or hear of it today or tomorrow but in time. Wishing you well OP

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 20:47:19

I hope his dick falls off while it's in her and they're both traumatised for life!

perfectstorm Mon 20-Jan-14 20:44:55

You deserve the support, and the people who love you will very much prefer they get the chance to help and be there for you than watch you try to struggle on alone.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's horrible and you're going to feel like crap before you reach the other side. But you will. It'll just take some time. Hang on in there. And I hope his dick falls off.


Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 20:38:29

I have an excellent relationship with my Mum, we're very close, but she's lived away for 10 years and now I'm slowly getting used to leaning on her again. I soldiered on alone for so long, I'm not used to opening up to people I know, let alone crying to them.

akawisey Mon 20-Jan-14 20:35:55

Where did you get the idea that confiding in your mum makes you a burden? You're not a burden, you've had a shock and you need support, to be able to talk and cry and have people watching your back.

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 20:26:07

I haven't told anyone in real life about the latest developements. My Dad gets told nothing because he's easily upset (despite him trampling all over other peoples feelings all the time) and I don't want to burden my Mum with it. Moved over the summer so no friends to talk to.

akawisey Mon 20-Jan-14 20:23:59

Actually I think you're being hard on yourself. 8 months is no time to feel like you're doing more than one foot in front of the other - it was a LONG relationship and one which he bailed out of in the most dishonest way.

Even worse, he's been biding his time to tell you IMO. What a shit. Have you told anyone in RL? Your parents? Are they supporting you now?

tallwivglasses Mon 20-Jan-14 20:22:21

OP, this the man who was quite happy to let you think you were going insane when you got suspicious. How far would have let that go - to the point where you were taking medication? What knock-on effect would that have had on your dc? He's a cheap con-artist. You may not be angry but I'm furious on your behalf.

Viviennemary Mon 20-Jan-14 20:21:53

You absolutely don't sound pathetic. And have every right to feel hurt, furious and any other emotion. He has hurt you really badly. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. He is the one in the wrong not you. Hope things get a bit better soon.

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 20:13:33

They have no idea. I told him there's no fucking way she's meeting my kids. I know I have no control, but he agreed and said he didn't want that anyway.

I wouldn't tell the kids unless it became a proper relationship.

akawisey Mon 20-Jan-14 20:12:20

Start really small - eat something every day even if it's only soup.

Are your kids aware that their dad has met someone?

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 20:07:24

I don't know what to deal with now. I'm struggling to keep it contained for the children, but they know something's not right - again.

Minime85 Mon 20-Jan-14 20:01:41

hope you are feeling a little better. some great advice on here. remember the Samaritans are there to listen if u need it. I'm only a few months in but finding the whole boundaries thing a muddle but I think its important to set them for contact with dcs and your contact with ex. try and be business like if u can. do hope you are feeling better

akawisey Mon 20-Jan-14 20:01:05

The anger, like all the other emotions will come and go. When it's there use it to start planning your immediate future - nothing too big but start with stuff you can deal with now.

I know what you're saying. That sense of loss feels unbearably cruel and relentless.

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 19:56:02

I've done the anger. I'm back at upset again now. I feel awful inside myself, like there's a hole there. I can't explain it. I just want it to end.

akawisey Mon 20-Jan-14 19:50:29

ok, you've done the hoping he'd see what an idiot he's been. Now it's time for YOU to see what an idiot he's been and find your anger. You have that right you know, to be angry.

He isn't your friend Whisk. He's your ex partner and any friendship you shared is gone and I'm so sorry. He isn't worth you leaving your DC's for. They need you. You need them. Don't run from the pain because believe me it'll follow you and you'll feel worse for running. If your DC's are old enough I'd go NC immediately except for the essential sorting of finances and so on. It will help you, I promise.

Like other posters have already said - it DOES get easier but it takes time and the biggest, most generous favour you can do yourself right now is understand that this is HIS failing and not yours. Let him go to whoever. Don't wait for the karma bus to come and run him over, you don't know what the future holds.

Been there. I was a mess. But if I can do it, so can you.

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