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Having panic attacks over ex's 'new' GF.

(31 Posts)
Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 19:15:50

Tried to name change, couldn't remember my bloody password. Sorry this is long.

Ex ended things with me 8 months ago after almost 20 years together and three kids. We'd been having issues for months, with him being a dick over his phone (he was texting another woman, he's finally admitted it) and me searching for evidence of him cheating, confronting him and him essentially making me think I was going mad.

He finished things by telling me he didn't love me anymore. I did post at the time and got lots of great advice. Since then I've taken the kids and moved near to my parents. I won't lie and say it's great because it isn't. I'm just getting through each day on autopilot. I hate being a single parent, have struggled with parenting in general since having DD 12 years ago, and feel that I'm just muddling through.

Ex was here for the weekend to see the kids and as he was leaving yesterday asked for a a word. He told me he's kind of seeing someone. Has seen her a couple of times in the last two months. I asked questions and it's the suspected OW from before we split.

I'm devastated all over again. I'm back to square one, where I was 8 months ago. I can't let go and have stupidly been holding out hope that he was going to change his mind and want me again. I haven't eaten since yesterday lunchtime, have no appetite at all, barely slept at all last night and have had a couple of panic attacks today, struggling to breathe.

I feel like I want things to end. I contemplated getting on a train today and never coming back. That or something more drastic. I just feel completely shit and hollow inside.

I know I'm rambling - just looking for some words of advice to help me keep it together - again.

shey02 Mon 20-Jan-14 23:42:40

It's not easy OP and the setbacks that come with these situations are raw and painful, but honestly, you'll get through this, little by little, time is a healer. And tiny little things you can do for yourself, to raise your mood will add up to a healthier, happier you.

Us humans we crave stability and familiarity and when things change it throws us off, but you need a better life, not your old shitty ex. Best revenge on shitty ex's and their shitty ow's, getting your shit together, walking tall and saying £$%@ you to that mediocre life and giving a hell yeah to whatever comes next.

Aussiemum78 Tue 21-Jan-14 02:18:01

It really struck me that you described yourself as "fat, unemployed and no friends". I think you've tied your self worth to your marriage for a very long time and you are really lost now without that anchor.

There are other things that you can anchor yourself around though, which will help you let go more easily.

When you feel ready, start thinking of what you want your future to be, regardless of relationships and children. Do you want to get into shape? What sports do you enjoy? Swimming, gym, hiking, marathons, dance classes - anything! Do you want to study towards a new career? What would interest you? Meeting friends through art, craft, music, volunteering. Baby steps. It can be as simple as "I will invite a friend to a movie once a month". You may not be able to change your marriage, but the other things you don't like about yourself can be changed.

It might be just going through the motions but it might just help you start to feel better too.

Bedtime1 Tue 21-Jan-14 04:04:16

Just wanted to say I am sorry and you deserve much better. Time is a healer . Be strong ... X

dunsborough Tue 21-Jan-14 04:24:46

So sorry whisks.Sounds as though you have had a rough time. I agree with the other posters who said he is NOT your friend. You need to withdraw and become aloof.

You are not fat and unemployed. You are a full-time mother who is in the process of getting fitter. smile
It's time to throw yourself into joining things in your new town - parents & friends group at school, sporting associations, church, book club etc.
You need to get busy and create a new life for you and your children.

ConfusedLady8 Tue 21-Jan-14 10:58:55

A friend of mine's husband ran out on her with an OW after 16 years about two years ago. She was devastated.

A year after that their divorce went through and she had a second meltdown.

A few months later her ex married the OW and she had a third meltdown.

9 months later her ex had a baby with the OW (my friend couldn't have kids) and she had the fourth and final meltdown.

A few months on from that, I talked to her last week and she feels a sense of relief in a way. There is now NOTHING else he can do to hurt her. He's done it all.

It's natural for you to keep going like this, and as each one comes you will get stronger and braver and after a while there won't be anything left that he can do to hurt you.

I cannot imagine by the way the pain of the breakdown of a 20 year marriage in this sort of way. Big hugs to you, but know that it is OK and perfectly normal to feel so devastated all over again.


ConfusedLady8 Tue 21-Jan-14 11:01:09

(and also...really...deep, deep down you know you don't want to be married and grow old with someone like this. Wait and see, life will bring you something better...someone you can rely on through thick and thin)

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