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Don't know how to handle this anymore

(10 Posts)
clio51 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:49:07

My partner and I are having a few problems mostly arguing sometimes of silly things, this can escalate to shouting(no kids)

Like Friday every thing fine, had a nice day. Is dad is in hospital at the mo collapsed 2nd time now, so he went to visit him asked does he want me to come with he said no it's fine enough peep going already. So I had bath etc, the radiator in bedroom of son 24 was only luck warm and all the rest with hot so I got bleeder key but couldn't turn it. So when he came back, he immediately said what's that so I explained about radiator and said I couldn't turn it. Well that was the start! He shouted how bloody hot does he want his room, I said again about it being warm. He shouted back if you don't shut up going on I'm going! He as just started saying this the last couple months or so, so I'm sick of hearing it now. I then said stop threatening me with it do something about it. He then starts going on again so I just said to stop this going further just don't talk to me.

So now he as just done that! Friday night we never spoke at all.
Saturday we both just chilled in house, talking when spoken to but ok.
Night time he went to hospital, I was in the bath when he came back I asked how his dad was and he just said horrible and went in bedroom.

I could tell he didn't won't to talk by his actions, like he just got himself a glass of wine(normally does us both one) and went on laptop. Never spoke all night until he got up and said I'm going to bed.
Sunday he goes to tennis early, so when he came back I was on the phone to his sister(she rang to speak to him, but he wasn't back then) he went then to make his breakfast so I knew he didn't want to speak to her. She's a bit of a chatterbox and can talk.
So I told him she was going to the hospital in the afternoon, he said I know and nothing else.
I went to see my sister as she is going to Australia this week so wanted to see her. When I came back he was putting potatoes in oven, still no talking to me. I went in kitchen made the tea he said thanks. No talking still, all last night still not speaking. He is literally talking what I said so not to speak to me.

This morning he told me how much the car would be to fix, I asked had he heard anything about his dad this morning to what I got was no and I'm not liable too. I asked why not and he told me he'd spoke to his dad's wife and she'd spoke to him like a school teacher he is 59 by the way. We've had lunch and now he's gone out not said where just gone.

I don't know what to do anymore! I'm sick of arguing most of the time over silly things that really shouldn't be picked up there that silly.
I don't know if he want/doesn't want to talk, I feel it's so childish.
I never slept most of the night, whilst he was snoring. I feel so miserable and down but don't wont to feel like this as I've just come out the other side of depression which I had for over 12months.

If I say to him can we sort this out he will say I don't won't to argue I've got enough to deal with(which he as said many times) then it all just gets swept under the carpet till next time.

I really don't know what to do or say, do I not talk And wait for him?
I can't stand the atmosphere in the house, I feel tense and I hate it not speaking.

I've nobody else to talk this through with, so would like some advice. Because I don't know how to handle this anymore.

Sorry for the long post,


CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-Jan-14 15:11:58

It all sounds rather petty, selfish, childish stuff tbh. Silent treatment & sulking is a really nasty thing to do to someone. Sweeping things under the carpet only leads to stress and resentment. Shouting and arguing is simply unpleasant. Living in that atmosphere might not always cause depression but certainly won't help.

Is this a recent change in his personality that has coincided with his father being ill or does 'sick of arguing' mean that this has been going on long before that happened? And is 'shut up or I'm going' something that fills you with hope or dread?

TheSparklyPussycat Mon 20-Jan-14 15:16:06

And what caused the depression, if anything?

Mine was, in the latter stages of my marriage, caused by living with a fuckwit who wouldn't speak to me about anything of importance.

I know that caused it, because my depression lifted 2 years ago when I filed for divorce, and has not returned!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-Jan-14 15:36:03

The timing of this is poor since you only recently came through a bout of depression. May I ask how long you've lived together?

Kind of see why his father's wife talks to him like she is a schoolteacher - was that his description? NB he didn't say "like I'm a child" because inwardly he knows how giving you the silent treatment is childish. I don't think you should be the one to make peace or bend over backwards to coax him out of this.

He is no doubt very worried about his father. That doesn't give him licence to blow up at you or take it out on you. When you mentioned putting food on I was glad it looks as though he at least has the grace to still include you in his food prep. I don't know how you two normally get along but you sound like you are acting normally and speaking calmly. Hardly provoking him. So ongoing sulking is him looking to you to fix this.

If he is stubbornly resisting any contact or shows no sign of apologising maybe you should suggest he pack a bag and move out to be nearer his father.

clio51 Mon 20-Jan-14 15:45:15

Think it started when he got promotion at work as a manager , the stress of running 3 sites with 1200 each site and his manager getting on his back making his life hell lead to him suffering with his stomach. This made him hate the thought of going into work, gave him really bad heads,stomach problems. It then in my opinion turned into health anxiety(which he never agreed with) thinking he had cancer, then tumour, and lots of other things.
Because I suffer with anxiety I was trying to tell him the more you look into things the more you are feeding it, but he is so self willed he won't believe it's that simple it's got to be something.
So last year he took severance package. He hates being in the house always wants to go out in the day, which is fine I but I don't
Ike walking around in the rain/cold when I don't have to.

So he as not feeling good most days, now his dad is ill his dad as dementia and it's getting worse as well. So he as that added worry which I fully understand. It as been going on for quite a while on and off because he as his opinion and I have mine and we can't find the middle.
The shut up or I'm going out started just recently because I think he's had enough(but so have I) I'd like to try and sort this out, but we always end up arguing and now it's happened so many times he won't talk it through.
Because other than arguing we get on great most of the time.

My depression started with bad anxiety which lead to depression. I suffer with anxiety anyway but it's a lot better than it was 12 mths ago. I had deaths in my family which I found hard to deal with.

Don't know what to do when he comes back, as I can't sit in another night of silence I feel like I'm on egg shells.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-Jan-14 16:00:08

It's not fair on you to blunder on and moan and expect you to be so engrossed by his endless fretting. Everyone has troubles at some point how did he react when you had depression? Let me guess 'he had his own worries'. Sounds one-sided to me.

"Shit up or I'm going" next time instead of what you said last time, call his bluff say "Okay be my guest and when you've packed, be sure and give me back my key". He wields that utterance like it's a threat he thinks you won't want.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-Jan-14 16:25:12

Oops typo that should say Shut!

cjel Mon 20-Jan-14 17:40:30

I lived for 30 years with if you don't like it leave, I also suffered depressions and anxiety which ended when I left him. IIf you can't go on living like this then decide what you do want to live like and make steps towards it. Just because he has stress doesn't give him the right to treat you in this way. He may have 'too much' on at the moment but again he doesn't have the right to make you live like this waiting for things to change. YOu have had deaths and stress and still had to behave towards him. I would risk the argument and make him discuss where your marriage is going. If you are to live apart then delaying it won't make it any easier.

Jux Tue 11-Feb-14 19:57:45

Don't spend the rest of your life like this. It really isn't worth it. If he wants to go then push him. If he doesn't, then make him talk and get it sorted between you.

There'll always be something to be stressed about. The important thing is how that stress is dealt with. He punishes you, which makes him feel better. No wonder you had depression. You'll have it again I'm sure.

There's a better life out there for you. Maybe it will be with him, but maybe it won't.

Mellowandfruitful Tue 11-Feb-14 21:11:14

Who owns/is tenant of the house you're in?

If it's you, I would say to him tonight that you want him to move out for now as you will not go on living like this. If it's his house, I would seriously look for somewhere you can go and stay for the moment as it can't be good for your mental health to put up with this - as you've said yourself - so don't feel you have to. He is bullying you with silence.

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