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My partner's ex is destroying me

(115 Posts)
Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:00:14

I'll try to make this as brief as I can. My partners ex is ruining my life. We have been together a year now and I've had constant harrassment from her. She just won't leave us alone. She believes that we started our relationship when they were still together. We did not. She has hacked his Fb, damaged our property, threatened me with violence, called child services on me, tried to lose him his job. She goes quiet for a while and then starts it all again. I suffer with anxiety and depression which was controlled until all of this, I can't even think straight anymore. I've tried to finish things with my partner because of her. She has a personality disorder but also has serious physical health problems which is why my partner won't report her to the police as he feels sorry for her. I'm at my wits end. She has made me ill to the point I started having seizures caused by stress. Has anyone been through this and what can I do?

Meerka Sat 25-Jan-14 12:25:41

I'm afraid everyone posting here is right.

He is longer terms gathering evidence to use against you and to incriminate and destroy you.

You need to get out, and given how he's behaved, yes, WA seems the best.

He sounds like he's pretty dangerous and right now he may be ok with your daughter but longer term he'll be poison for her. For both your sakes, please ring WA and get out. Without leaving a trace.

As for your friends and family if they know what's going on, then they are not helping you at all. If they don't, then you need to make the decision for yoruself.

This is a highly toxic relationship and you're being slowly poisoned, I'm afraid.

Timetoask Sat 25-Jan-14 08:59:12

Please read this link and see if it fits him

He seems to be a superficially charming man wanting to completely dominate you. Please be strong and break up with him as quickly as you can.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 25-Jan-14 08:44:50

When I said tell your dd what's happening, I meant 'lay down the law' rather than explain every detail of the situation. Take charge.

Harrassedandstalked Sat 25-Jan-14 08:10:12

I do know its her, she does it blatently. She has admitted to my face what shes done, she finds it very funny. I actually felt sorry for her at first as i imagine if dp treated her anything like he treats me its no wonder she is the way she is. But that isnt my fault, ive done nothing wrong to her. I honestly wish they would both disappear. This isnt my fault is it?

AdoraBell Sat 25-Jan-14 03:36:01

I can't remember How old your DD is, but if she's small then put a chain on the door high up. And explain that she is not To open the door for Anyone.

Explain that you do not want him comíng into the house and if he arrives she is To call you.

Don't let him back in.

Aussiemum78 Sat 25-Jan-14 02:36:11

He's probably shown the photos to his ex and told her he's only with you because he's concerned about your daughter....

Don't take him back,even if he comes crawling.You need to stay away from him.

IF (and I do question this) his ex has been doing as you say I wonder what he's done to her tbh

lottiegarbanzo Fri 24-Jan-14 23:39:12

Exactly, you wouldn't do this to anyone. That's all you really need to know.

You don't have to understand the detail, or make all the loose ends join up in your head - that's a puzzle and a distraction, interesting in its way but not important or urgent. It can wait.

He treats you badly because he doesn't care about your well-being.

Just tell your dd what's happening. She doesn't need to understand your reasons, just your decision. You have decided you need time away from him and he may not enter your house. It's your home, your rules. If she lets someone unwanted in she's in big trouble. I don't really understand why you're allowing decisions about your life to be made by a child.

Quitelikely Fri 24-Jan-14 20:14:27

Try to stay strong OP. your instinct is right about this man. It doesn't seem like he's going to make this easy for you so prepare yourself emotionally. Try to hold onto the fact that your daughter will grow up using this relationship as a template for her own future ones. And by what you say you clearly adore your dd.

Hissy Fri 24-Jan-14 19:16:36

Ask yourself:

Is this the way you treat your friends?

No. You don't. He's aiming to destroy you, and possibly get your dd removed from your care.

Get him out of your life for good, now.

Move home if you can, and tell your dd that she is never to let him in the house again. Explain it in an age appropriate way.

PatriciaHolm Fri 24-Jan-14 16:41:35

You aren't doing anything wrong. Nothing you do will ever be enough, he's an abuser who clearly has form for this. You and your daughter will be so much better off without him. Do you want her growing up with this as her model for adult relationships?

Leavenheath Fri 24-Jan-14 16:24:57

I've read your posts very carefully and there appears to be no evidence that you can prove this woman has been doing anything alleged against her. Unless you've spoken to this woman directly (and to her face tbh and you recognised her as his exW) and she admitted criminal damage, reporting you to SS etc., I wouldn't trust anything.

This bloke sounds dangerous and you now know he's got form for building 'evidence' against women.

scallopsrgreat Fri 24-Jan-14 16:18:33

Yes kickass. He isn't your best friend Harrassed. About as far from your best friend as you can get.

scallopsrgreat Fri 24-Jan-14 16:15:31

Step away from the ex. Yes she may have her own issues (although there is actually very little evidence of it. Even the damage to your property could have been done by someone else). Your problem is your partner. There is plenty of evidence he is abusive and nasty. Your DD does not need him in her life any more than you do. She is learning how men treat women. How would you feel if she was in a relationship with a man who says she doesn't do anything for him? The implication that you should be doing things for him is awful enough.

You need to keep talking to her though, in an age appropriate way, obviously. And if you haven't read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft, it is a must-read.

kickassangel Fri 24-Jan-14 16:09:01

I can't link ATM, but if you google "wheels of abuse" then you will see that the nice behaviour and being your best friend is just a part of it. He wants you to be reliant on him, emotionally and financially, because then he can have more control over you.

DrankSangriaInThePark Fri 24-Jan-14 16:05:38

I don't think you are getting any of it from his ex.

You need to get this man out of your life. Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to?

Harrassedandstalked Fri 24-Jan-14 15:34:21

The damage wasn't him, he was asleep in my bed when it happened, but I do think they are as crazy as each other. I'm caught in the middle of their silly game. I get it from her, I get it from him. If I mention her he goes nuts and says he's sick of hearing it, but nearly every week for a year she's done something to us. I didn't deserve any of this, it's made me so ill now I feel terrified to be on my own. I can't understand how a human can do this to another, her, I begged her as one mum to another to stop it, him, to be so cruel to someone he's supposed to love? He's seen me have a fit, he's been in hospital with me when the doctor told me to avoid any stress. It's beyond me really, I just couldn't do this to someone. I'm sorry if my posts don't make much sense, my head is very mixed up at the moment.

Leavenheath Fri 24-Jan-14 15:21:44

Staying in a relationship with this man is what you're doing wrong.

You need to get out now and stay out.

It wouldn't surprise me if most of that stuff his ex has allegedly done and said was manufactured by him. Remember reading once on here about a bloke who sent texts and E mails to himself pretending that they were from his 'psycho ex wife'. Dead easy to set up a fake FB account too.

Let the scales fall from your eyes love. That damage to your property was probably him too.

Harrassedandstalked Fri 24-Jan-14 15:15:16

He has left, but the texts are starting now. I know he won't be away for long. The trouble is, when he does a runner (often) my daughter lets him back in. I need a way to tell her not to without frightening her, poor little thing. He's so good to her, it breaks my heart to see her little face. She loves him, we both do..he's my best friend really. When he's being ok he's the nicest person, fixes anything in my house, drives us anywhere, leaves little love notes around...until he flips and starts being cruel to me. He does confuse me, I start thinking it must be something I've done. He reckons I don't do anything for him, I have his tea on the table, I wash his clothes, make his sandwiches for work, run his baths...not sure what more I can do...I can't drive so can't run him around anywhere, I'm trying to find a job....what am I doing wrong?

JabberJabberJay Fri 24-Jan-14 11:39:41

Call WA now. Today. Please OP. This man is nasty, controlling and manipulative. He also seems to be gathering 'evidence' to use against you.

Be strong. Leave him. As soon as possible. I'm worried by the escalation of his behaviour in your posts.

BuzzardBird Fri 24-Jan-14 11:23:14

Oh my god Harrassed get away from him. He is weird and the photos of you are definitely to be used against you in some way that he has already planned. Please start planning to leave.

MorrisZapp Fri 24-Jan-14 10:28:44

What are you confused about? He is showing you what he is, please act now to get away from him.

noddingoff Fri 24-Jan-14 10:25:54

You are right, this is not normal at all. It's scary.
A man who is good to his partner doesn't have to keep telling her how good he is.
He's also using money as control - trying to induce guilt in you where none should exist. It's not normal to take someone out for dinner then "rub it in" about how it was their money....normal behaviour if you're paying is to quietly take care of the bill and hope your partner has had a lovely time.
Recording you crying? wtf? normal behaviour is to comfort the person crying
Taking photos of poo? That's weird. With this and the above, is he trying to collect "evidence" to use against you if necessary...maybe try to say you're an unfit mother if you don't stick the script of his life? He's even setting you up too - I'd say taking a photo of you apparently passed out in front of wine bottles is proof that he is indeed, planning to destroy you if you don't obey him utterly.
Monitoring your actions, your phone your FB...control freak.
Also, bear in mind what lottiegarbanzo said. He likes your daughter because she hero-worships him and he can have her unquestioning gratitute. For now.
Get yourself and your daughter away from him. Don't explain too much...he'll probably try and wangle around saying the photo with the bottles was only a joke and you're an emotional fruitcake, you owe him one, you're mental and he's trying to help you...basically gaslightling and controlling you.
Phone the police and explain all. Don't focus on his ex, focus on all the things you have told us about him in this post.
If you can't change the locks and keep him, out and need to stay elsewhere, bear in mind that there are organisations that will foster dogs for a while...Women's Aid may be able to put you in touch with them.
I wouldn't spend another night under the same roof as this man. He's already emotionally blackmailing you and this is escalating into full-on control. I can't get the image out of my mind of you crying and him videoing it.
Altogether now...LTB. Now.

Harrassedandstalked Fri 24-Jan-14 09:39:50

I don't know what to do, I'm so confused now. He keeps telling me how good he is to me and says I've used him for money. I haven't, I have less money than he does because unfortunately I'm unemployed at the moment, but I do the best I can. He'll take me out sometimes for dinner but then rub it in afterwards saying I've wasted his money. I've found out he's been taking pictures of me too. He was flicking through his phone the other night, he'd taken one of me asleep on the sofa, I remember the night, I had a migraine. He must have taken wine bottles out of the recycling and put them in front of me. Another example, I have a dog, he's really naughty and I've been at my wits end with him, if he gets upstairs he will poo in my daughter's room. I don't know why he does it but I fitted a stair gate, one night it dropped off and the dog got upstairs. I cleaned it up as soon as I saw it but dp must have seen it first and said nothing, because he has taken pictures. He's recorded me crying in the past, he watches me all the time. He goes through my phone, he demands to see my Facebook. This isn't normal is it? I'm a nervous wreck, he's going to destroy me.

RustyParker Thu 23-Jan-14 14:25:58

Hope you are ok op

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