We rely on advertising to keep the lights on.

Please consider adding us to your whitelist.



Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My partner's ex is destroying me

(115 Posts)
Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:00:14

I'll try to make this as brief as I can. My partners ex is ruining my life. We have been together a year now and I've had constant harrassment from her. She just won't leave us alone. She believes that we started our relationship when they were still together. We did not. She has hacked his Fb, damaged our property, threatened me with violence, called child services on me, tried to lose him his job. She goes quiet for a while and then starts it all again. I suffer with anxiety and depression which was controlled until all of this, I can't even think straight anymore. I've tried to finish things with my partner because of her. She has a personality disorder but also has serious physical health problems which is why my partner won't report her to the police as he feels sorry for her. I'm at my wits end. She has made me ill to the point I started having seizures caused by stress. Has anyone been through this and what can I do?

kickassangel Fri 24-Jan-14 16:09:01

I can't link ATM, but if you google "wheels of abuse" then you will see that the nice behaviour and being your best friend is just a part of it. He wants you to be reliant on him, emotionally and financially, because then he can have more control over you.

scallopsrgreat Fri 24-Jan-14 16:15:31

Step away from the ex. Yes she may have her own issues (although there is actually very little evidence of it. Even the damage to your property could have been done by someone else). Your problem is your partner. There is plenty of evidence he is abusive and nasty. Your DD does not need him in her life any more than you do. She is learning how men treat women. How would you feel if she was in a relationship with a man who says she doesn't do anything for him? The implication that you should be doing things for him is awful enough.

You need to keep talking to her though, in an age appropriate way, obviously. And if you haven't read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft, it is a must-read.

scallopsrgreat Fri 24-Jan-14 16:18:33

Yes kickass. He isn't your best friend Harrassed. About as far from your best friend as you can get.

Leavenheath Fri 24-Jan-14 16:24:57

I've read your posts very carefully and there appears to be no evidence that you can prove this woman has been doing anything alleged against her. Unless you've spoken to this woman directly (and to her face tbh and you recognised her as his exW) and she admitted criminal damage, reporting you to SS etc., I wouldn't trust anything.

This bloke sounds dangerous and you now know he's got form for building 'evidence' against women.

PatriciaHolm Fri 24-Jan-14 16:41:35

You aren't doing anything wrong. Nothing you do will ever be enough, he's an abuser who clearly has form for this. You and your daughter will be so much better off without him. Do you want her growing up with this as her model for adult relationships?

Hissy Fri 24-Jan-14 19:16:36

Ask yourself:

Is this the way you treat your friends?

No. You don't. He's aiming to destroy you, and possibly get your dd removed from your care.

Get him out of your life for good, now.

Move home if you can, and tell your dd that she is never to let him in the house again. Explain it in an age appropriate way.

Quitelikely Fri 24-Jan-14 20:14:27

Try to stay strong OP. your instinct is right about this man. It doesn't seem like he's going to make this easy for you so prepare yourself emotionally. Try to hold onto the fact that your daughter will grow up using this relationship as a template for her own future ones. And by what you say you clearly adore your dd.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 24-Jan-14 23:39:12

Exactly, you wouldn't do this to anyone. That's all you really need to know.

You don't have to understand the detail, or make all the loose ends join up in your head - that's a puzzle and a distraction, interesting in its way but not important or urgent. It can wait.

He treats you badly because he doesn't care about your well-being.

Just tell your dd what's happening. She doesn't need to understand your reasons, just your decision. You have decided you need time away from him and he may not enter your house. It's your home, your rules. If she lets someone unwanted in she's in big trouble. I don't really understand why you're allowing decisions about your life to be made by a child.

Don't take him back,even if he comes crawling.You need to stay away from him.

IF (and I do question this) his ex has been doing as you say I wonder what he's done to her tbh

Aussiemum78 Sat 25-Jan-14 02:36:11

He's probably shown the photos to his ex and told her he's only with you because he's concerned about your daughter....

AdoraBell Sat 25-Jan-14 03:36:01

I can't remember How old your DD is, but if she's small then put a chain on the door high up. And explain that she is not To open the door for Anyone.

Explain that you do not want him comíng into the house and if he arrives she is To call you.

Don't let him back in.

Harrassedandstalked Sat 25-Jan-14 08:10:12

I do know its her, she does it blatently. She has admitted to my face what shes done, she finds it very funny. I actually felt sorry for her at first as i imagine if dp treated her anything like he treats me its no wonder she is the way she is. But that isnt my fault, ive done nothing wrong to her. I honestly wish they would both disappear. This isnt my fault is it?

lottiegarbanzo Sat 25-Jan-14 08:44:50

When I said tell your dd what's happening, I meant 'lay down the law' rather than explain every detail of the situation. Take charge.

Timetoask Sat 25-Jan-14 08:59:12

Please read this link and see if it fits him www.health24.com/Mental-Health/Disorders/How-to-recognise-a-psychopath-20120721

He seems to be a superficially charming man wanting to completely dominate you. Please be strong and break up with him as quickly as you can.

Meerka Sat 25-Jan-14 12:25:41

I'm afraid everyone posting here is right.

He is longer terms gathering evidence to use against you and to incriminate and destroy you.

You need to get out, and given how he's behaved, yes, WA seems the best.

He sounds like he's pretty dangerous and right now he may be ok with your daughter but longer term he'll be poison for her. For both your sakes, please ring WA and get out. Without leaving a trace.

As for your friends and family if they know what's going on, then they are not helping you at all. If they don't, then you need to make the decision for yoruself.

This is a highly toxic relationship and you're being slowly poisoned, I'm afraid.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now