Partner's likely infidelity

[polymath]

Apologies for any typos or acronym faux pas, I'm typing this on a tablet :-)

First, the facts; DW and I have been married for 13 years, with a much wanted DS of 6. Generally it's been a happy marriage but late last year, after a few discussions she said she wanted to go away for a few days for a break. In early November, she leaves saying "Don't text or phone me, I don't want you stressing me out", so I oblige,give her her space and after a couple of days she returns. A month later, again she wants to go away, but things didn't feel right so I do a bit of detective work. I had noticed her use of Facebook had gone up, and having previously managed to get where she'd gone first time out of her I do some checking.
Apparently a few months earlier, a "friend" on FB had sent a few sexually provocative messages to her, and this person coincidentally lived only a couple of miles from where she said she was going. The urge to check her underwear drawer got very strong, to see if her Ann Summers undies were there, and needless to say they weren't. By this point, she's been gone long enough that I've had to change my work hours to look after our son and any attempts to contact her were unsuccessful. To cut a long story short, she's back, but denies getting up to anything (planning the trip in advance, repeating it and taking underwear kind of makes me doubt it), and things have improved between us but now it feels like she's getting back into some of the same behaviours she had before she went (using FB again after deactivating her account, angling her phone away from me when I get close and perhaps most telling, not initiating any affection.
To quote Springsteen 's song Brilliant Disguise, which ran through my head constantly when she went away the second time; "God have mercy on the man who doubts what he's sure of"

I throw myself open to the collective wisdom of the forum.

[SoleSource]

Confront her with the evidence and tell her to leave or you leave. How have you stayed quiet this long?

[SoleSource]

If she admits it.

[Fairenuff]

It sounds like a lot of secrecy. If I wanted to get away for a break, I would tell dh where I was, who I was with (if anyone) and would be contactable.

You say that you had to get where she'd gone out of her. You also say that she deactivated her fb account - why did she do that?

[MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir]

She'll deny it until you have hard evidence. Have you looked at her emails?

If it was me - i'd snatch the phone and look at it. She's clearly up to something.

[polymath]

I did; when she came back my offers to help her unpack were declined and when I said I'd noticed the scanties were missing, she admitted taking them but denied doing anything other than cuddling (hard not to read that in a sarcastic tone).

[Fairenuff]

Cuddling with who?

[forumdonkey]

so is she claiming she went away alone or if not who did she say she was with?

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

so you told her you'd looked in her knicker drawer and saw that the Ann Summers ones were missing, then she told you she'd cuddled someone?

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

sorry x post

[polymath]

Fairenuff - she deactivated her FB to show she was severing contact with the guy (I kept mine because I haven't anything to hide). She says she chucked her phone for similar reasons, and has a new one now, which she uses for FB.

[forumdonkey]

so she has admitted meeting a guy and going away with him for a few days?

[RandomMess]

So she has admitted having had some sort of affair with this guy but you've not discussed it properly? Not asked what she feels is lacking in her marriage that she went looking for something elsewhere?

[Fairenuff]

I think you are saying that she admitted meeting this man. She admitted cuddling with him. She agreed to cut all contact with him and deactivated her fb. She says she threw her phone away.

Did you see the phone, or see her throw it away?

[forumdonkey]

sounds to me like she is blantanty having dirty weekends away with her lover why wouldn't she if you are not only letting it happen without question but you are accommodating it by changing your work so she can You sound a kind thoughtful loving DH but she's treating you like a fool. LTB

[polymath]

Having read the last few posts, I'll try and clarify a few things.

1. She said she was going away on her own
   
2. Certainly the second time, probably the first too, she stayed at a male FB "friends"
   
3. When confronted with the taking of the underwear, she admitted to cuddling said male but denied doing anything else
   
4. Whether out of remorse, or covering her tracks, she binned her phone and SIM and got new ones. She has a different pin to unlock the phone too
   
5. Said male is no longer on her friends list
   
6. I've got another tab open, looking up Sexual Health clinic opening times

[mummyof2lou]

I think its obvious, and so blatant. But you can't get much further forward until she admits it. Trust should be the base of a relationship.

[ArgumentsatChristmas]

you are hurt and upset right now

I don't know what the exam question is on this thread, but I'll have a go anyway

You want an exclusive monogamous relationship. Your wife, it appears does not

Do you want to talk about how to reconcile this?

[forumdonkey]

just the fact she was going away alone out of the blue would have had me ...??? Don't be naive enough to think that just because he's not on her Facebook they are not in contact or still having an affair. Facebook is an evil site so me and the man I'd been seeing for 4 years didn't ever add each other after a misunderstanding from there which caused a brief split.

You deserve better and she is a twat

[Viviennemary]

I'd get legal advice re her infidelity. And tell her you will be seeking a divorce. You shouldn't have to tolerate this behaviour.

[Vixxxen]

It wasn't just cuddling.
Sorry.

[EirikurNoromaour]

The Cheater's script basically goes
Nothing happened
Ok we just kissed/cuddled
Ok it was one time but I didn't enjoy it/orgasm
It was several times
It's your fault for not showing me enough attention/whatever
I'm sorry and will do anything to fix this
Will you stop going on about it already? It's in the past!
Sounds like your Dw is on number two. The rest will follow sadly. I'd ask her to leave, if it's possible, while you figure out what you want to do. I appreciate that might be difficult with the DS. Separate bedrooms at the very least. Have a break emotionally. Let her feel she could lose you.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

Please don't believe the 'Just cuddling' line! Imagine if Ann summers marketed those knickers as 'Just Cuddling' knickers! They would sell like hot cakes....NOT!
You sound like a good husband and I think you need to get an STI check and a divorce on the grounds of your (D)Ws adultery in that order. I am sorry you are going through this. DW has treated you like a total idiot when you clearly are not.

[JeanSeberg]

Have you read this?

www.shirleyglass.com/bookmain.htm

Don't sit round letting her call all the shots, take back control.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

I'm not sure what evidence you think you still need OP but she's making a fool of you and she's not even got the decency to be subtle about it. Sorry about that.

[Fairenuff]

Well it's clear that she is having an affair. Probably sexual. She spent the weekend with him, do you really think they didn't sleep together.

This has nothing to do with you, OP. She has already checked out of your relationship.

Yes, it might not have been perfect and she might have been unhappy but she has choices. And she is choosing to cheat.

Tell her that you want her to move out and see what she says. And, yes, get an sti check for yourself.