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I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

(411 Posts)
SoleSource Sun 19-Jan-14 16:47:24

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

NotNewButNameChanged Tue 29-Apr-14 08:21:57

I have no problems expressing my emotions at all. I just don't regard my parents with much affection or love. They are just people. Whereas I adore my friends and would do anything for them.

ChickenMe Tue 29-Apr-14 08:09:42

Not abusive but just never felt safe. I was always desperate to be close to someone and envied other families. I was terrified of being abandoned (still am) and used to fear I'd come home from school and they'd all be gone. Dad permanently critical so that has made me quite paranoid. Mum in awe of dad and a people pleaser who denied all negative emotion which has made me anxious. Lucky I have a great OH. His family are close and normal. I would love to have a DD in a way to be able to love her - like I wang to break the cycle. I've had therapy so I don't think I'll repeat the emotionally distant behaviour. I adore little girls and want to mother them. Almost like I wasn't mothered properly and am desperate to get it right. Any

Setup1 Mon 28-Apr-14 18:37:48

Leverette, if you were so worried about your uncle's children why didn't you warn their mother.

notso1 Thu 24-Apr-14 00:33:38

Leverette, from the age of 17 you were able to report your uncle to the police yourself, legally there is no requirement to have an adult with you.

wontletmesignin Sun 23-Feb-14 10:54:48

Cant believe the similarities we all seem to face! Comforting in a sense. Yes to all of the questions!

My dm was an abusive aloholic, and my df was her enabler. I was stuck in the middle constantly.
My dad would leave for work and give me whisky to hide, and money. Id be told not to give it to her no matter what. Thats when id be physically and verbally attacked off my dm. Then i would get a bollocking off my df for not just giving her it to keep the peace. Still cant get my head around the fact that there was no way of winning!

That was just the beginning of a long night of verbal abuse from my dm, everynight.

Ive struggled to express my feelings, wants and needs ever since. Often ignoring my own wants and needs myself in order to please others. Usually resulting in more discomfort for me but its as though ive been conditioned to want the discomfort more than comfort. Iykwim!

I still try and please my parents - and get shit on in little ways left right and centre.
In a way, i think there is some form of dependency there. Even though its not wanted!
They sometimes make decisions for me and i dont have the strength to stop them. I kind of shirvel into a shell and let them do whatever.

I have stopped them spending my money for me. But they still try.

metoo22 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:28:08

Hi Mitzi We all need to 'rant' it seems! My parents divorced about 25 years ago, I had left home already, and I think they have both separately tried to change. I do wonder how they would be if still together - much worse I think. My dad says he feels bad he wasn't more involved when we were little. I think he didn't 'protect' us from my Mum's anger and unpredictability. He likes to think that everything is fine and everyone is lovely. My Mum I think has tried to hold back criticism since I had kids but I still feel it. She is an incredibly strong seeming person and I am scared of her, I realise. They both had horrible childhoods too and I have also made excuses for them.
Is your brother getting support/ therapy now? Since I revealed I am depressed I have become closer to my oldest brother who has also had bouts of it. I think my youngest db may have had too but he has never said. I cant believe I am only just working this out now at 50. But better late than never.

Mitzi50 Tue 18-Feb-14 23:36:17

I've read most of this thread and it is ringing so many bells. Both my parents had tough childhoods and I have made so many excuses for them over the years. The truth is that they are incredibly selfish and self obsessed and both my brother and I have suffered as a result (my brother more than me). They have caused so many problems - they are completely unaware of boundaries and are just interested in appearences - during my divorce they berated me for being a bad daughter. My brother is here at the moment - he is severely depressed and an alcoholic but they have declined to visit because it "upsets"them. They always disappear when anyone needs any kind of support - I have been shocked over the years as I have watched them distance themselves from "friends" who are ill or bereaved. They have offered no support to my brother over the years and have been useless when I would have benefitted from support. I have coped by being quite "hard" and very self sufficient - my brother has crumbled. They are in their 80s and I know they won't change, but I feel like shaking them. When I talk to my mother about my brother she turns it back to herself - she seems genuinely shocked and upset when I tell her "this is not about you". Sorry to rant.

stooshe Tue 18-Feb-14 18:38:04

I just realised in talking about "life" stuff the other day (with my adult daughter) that I was never reassured by either one of my two parents. If If I had grown up as, I suppose the "golden child" that realisation may have given me a breakdown.
However, I've come to terms with the fact that I had two narcissistic parents. My mother couldn't even stand her own self. Rigid, but capable of moments of hilarity. Very sharp. not good at making definitive decisions about my sister and I that would cause "tension' with my father. So I made them. She never liked me, she did that "blow me and bite me" thing that I couldn't find a word for, but I pointed out her treatment of me from the age of say, ten.
I only ask questions that I half way know the answers to. I'm very self sufficient. I used to have what some would consider a "good heart", but I always wonder if that wasn't a "result" of some need unfulfilled in my childhood. So I've wound down and really ascertained who are friends and who are acquaintances. I only see my dad at family functions. I think that he knows that I know that he isn't completely 'righted". He tried to fuck with me through my daughter (who he tried to boost as the "golden grandchild" until I worked through his machinations) and got embarrassed by me.
I think that my weaknesses are my strengths and vice versa. I just make sure that I am not averse to criticism. That seems to be a the start of a lot of people's foray into being complete arseholes. I've always been blessed with identifying and owning my feelings, which may have saved me from more pain. So I can (as everybody) be manipulated, but I will realise that that is happening.

PurpleRayne Tue 18-Feb-14 17:13:51

Well done you. That was clear, honest and assertive.

Andro Tue 18-Feb-14 17:09:42

I told her that it would be inappropriate for them to stay with me, that their expectations would at best send the wrong message to my children and that in my opinion the twins need to grow up - it didn't go down well (I'm a selfish, uncaring bitch with no regard for my family...apparently)

I refuse to wait on my husband and children, I'm not about to play host to 2 man-children/spoilt brats who don't know how to do the most basic of tasks.

RandomMess Tue 18-Feb-14 15:54:24


Hope you said no!

Think I'd have made some comment about I'm sure they can't wait to have you out the way to invite their partners over wink

PurpleRayne Tue 18-Feb-14 15:46:15

How did you respond?

Andro Tue 18-Feb-14 14:40:43

I had a conversation with my mother yesterday that just served to highlight how messed up my (on the surface perfect) family/upbringing were and still are.

I essentially didn't have anywhere I called home from being put in boarding school at 12, I lived alone from starting uni until I married my DH. How different for the twins, still living at home and being waited on at 20!

Yesterday my mother called me (unusual, we have limited contact) to tell me that her and my father have to go to the USA for a few days, it's a business trip for my father with a social aspect my mother would be expected to attend. All fine and my father would normally have told me about the trip but there's a twist, my mother wants the twins to stay with me and my family. She is worried about going on the trip because they (the twins) cannot go and they have never spent a night away from both their parents (never gone on residential's or sleepovers etc), they're adults and NT!

I must add, my father thinks she's being utterly OTT and the twins need to develop some independence and self reliance.

RandomMess Tue 18-Feb-14 14:00:25

Welcome metoo, although it's sad that you joined us!

metoo22 Tue 18-Feb-14 13:43:37

Hi everyone
I just wanted to add myself to this thread, I have read most of it and think I can understand you all so well. I am just, at 50, working out why I am how I am, and have been all my life.

I have known there was something not right about my relationship with my Mum, but have always been afraid to investigate. I remember odd unpleasant or uncomfortable incidents but they tend to be treated as a bit of a joke, I have not until these past few months been able to see that I was not getting what I needed emotionally, so that the things that happened to me were not in themselves that bad, but I had no way to talk about them or be heard. And I have ended up depressed and anxious, and didn't even realise that until a crisis point just after Christmas when I suddenly thought, it's not just this awful specific event that is upsetting me, my whole being is hurt and I don't know how to be, what to do, I completely lost it...

I had been going to therapy for a few months as I am separating from dh and finding that and work and everything really hard, but still not realising that I was depressed, and that my childhood had a huge influence on that. My GP has been good, I am on anti depressants now and continuing with the therapy which I really can't afford but I need that outlet each week, and am starting to feel I am making a bit of progress at last.

I have been reading about depression, started to read a bit about narcissistic parents and am beginning to build a bit of a picture I think. I don't think I need to blame my Mum: she had a horrible childhood herself and I don't think she knew how to parent. My Dad is sweet and kind but didn't really get involved I think, when we were little. They are both good grandparents although they live far away. I just need to understand so I can help myself.

Sorry, this is long, but in answer to your questions solesource,
yes I am very bad at asking for help , and expressing my needs and negative feelings. I am terrified of showing anger so everything seethes inside.

Thanks all of you, it has been incredibly helpful to me to read all your posts.

SicknSpan Mon 17-Feb-14 09:31:55

Sounds like progress sole smile

SoleSource Sun 16-Feb-14 16:24:27

Hi Random x

RandomMess Sun 16-Feb-14 16:10:28

Good for you SoleSource smile

SoleSource Sun 16-Feb-14 15:41:46

Well this morning I must have felt i missed having a Mother as I sat here and talked to her. I told her of all the times I cried in secret at the feeling of her just not liking me as a person and at the sadness of her not wanting to get to know me or be close to me.

So many times throughout my childhood I cried in secret that Dad must have hated me because of his treatment of me and then as an adult it more about my Mother who seemed to have 'written me of'.

I asked her to leave and never come back as she was so distant from me emotionally and the rollercoaster of me thinking we made progress then to realise it was not real was too much to bear.

Tortured feelings today but by writing it here and getting t out by talking to myself blush these feelings are finally slipping away gradually. They shall come back at times as they have today but I feel more free than ever.


SicknSpan Tue 04-Feb-14 19:08:02

altogether - not being able to function with other people for 16 hrs a day- I so know what you mean! But I think this is down to me being a bit introverted too- I love people and their company but in order to recharge I need to be alone and without the emotional "noise" of others. It was only when I realised that I was actually am introvert and not the extroverted rambunctious persona I'd adopted in childhood to protect me that I started actually feeling rested and "me". at age 36 that was so no wonder I was bloody exhausted smile

I found doing the myers Brigg personality type test hugely helpful for identifying that and a whole load of other me-isms.

BriarRainbowshimmer Sat 01-Feb-14 20:43:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplewomble Fri 31-Jan-14 00:37:28

With you there Miscellaneous, despite not seeing them for nearly 15 years and the "damage" they have caused to my life- I do still love them.

purplewomble Fri 31-Jan-14 00:36:12

I can relate.

I was the complete oddbody in my family- to the extent that I think my personality was adopted from someone else. I was treated like shit a lot of the time.

I sometimes feel bad about cutting my family out of my children's lives...and then I remember why. Sure it might be a bit shit that my parents have never met my children- but I told them they would live to regret the choices they made.

MiscellaneousAssortment Fri 31-Jan-14 00:32:43

Sorry I had to get that out there. Am having one of those sleepless nights where emotions take over for a while.

MiscellaneousAssortment Fri 31-Jan-14 00:31:14

My parents are weak, selfish and obsessed by their own thoughts. Neither is capable of normal healthy interactions. Neither is capable of making important decisions for their children as their own weakness, self obsession, warped reality and desire for control means reality, love and responsibility don't get a look in.

They let my sister die due to their selfish cowardice (not abuse, just sins of omission, blame and gas lighting). I don't even know where to start forgiving them or making my peace with that. Partly because they have rewritten history and facts to ensure they get sympathy and special consideration off acquaintences (no friends, they isolate themselves). When I had my ds I was hit again by how despicable they are. I love them but it would be easier if I didn't. I hate them too.

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