How do I make this better?

[YesAnastasia]

I had (minor) surgery yesterday and I'm ok but very sore & have to keep lying down after any exertion.

I'm a SAHM and admittedly, because it's just me & DC most of the time, I am a bit controlling but AIBU to expect 'D'H to do things I would be doing if I was able?

He wouldn't get the DC dressed, wouldn't go to the chemist for verucca cream for DC1, wouldn't listen when I asked him not to put DS2 in the shower with his top on, hasn't tidied or made DC lunch (I did it) and he keeps telling me to go to bed (I should be keeping mobile a little bit and surely it's up to me when I do it). He took my phone so I couldn't call DM. Has been moaning that my DF is coming to see me at tea time & will stay to eat.

This is like torture, I can hear meltdowns (DS1 has SEN) and crashes, bangs and all sorts downstairs and it's driving me crazy. We're not getting on well at all atm anyway but I can't stand this.

[YesAnastasia]

It's not 'after while' like the header says, just while.

[harriet247]

Do you have a friend you call call to give dp a hand?

[YesAnastasia]

Yes but he won't let me.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

Why wouldn't he do the dressing and all of the other things?

More so, why did he take your phone from you.

Is your dad there yet?

[YouTheCat]

It isn't up to him if you phone someone. That is not on at all.

[YesAnastasia]

Dad's coming 6ish. Better get the dinner on

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

Why did he take your phone?

[magimedi]

He won't let you phone a friend & takes your phone off you??

I'd be seriously wondering about the future with 'D'H if I were you.

[YesAnastasia]

I wonder about the future a lot but he makes me think everything's my fault.

He had my phonein his pocket when I was looking for it and said 'I don't want you to phone your mum' with a smile on his face. He laughed then said 'I know this looks bad, I was just using it to ring my own because I've lost it'

He never likes my friends and family visiting yet his family live a long way away come to stay 4 days at a time and I'm not bothered at all.

[YesAnastasia]

I think his point is that if I want his 'help' then he has to do it his way & I should be grateful, not order him around all day.
I'd like him to listen to me because I'm still a person even though I'm unable to do the stuff I usually do.

Am I or is he BU?

[magimedi]

He is being very U.

And you might want to get this moved to Relationships, where you will get a lot of help.

Frankly he is being somewhat abusive to you.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

He sounds like a bit of a shit.

you are not unreasonable but he's acting like a twat.

[Cbeebijeebies]

What??

That's not on. Get your phone back off him.

It's very controlling that he doesn't want your family coming over and has your bloody phone...and is doing a crap job of things today!

[Cbeebijeebies]

(Agree with relationships suggestion. Sounds like there's a lot going on here besides what you originally posted about)!

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

magimedi advice to move this to relationships is sound.

Hope you and the dc's are ok, has ds calmed down yet, bless him.

[picnicbasketcase]

It's absolutely not his place to take away your phone or forbid you to call anyone. You should be able to rest and trust that he will stop the place falling apart while you recover.
Is he usually this controlling and thoughtless?

[MarjorieChardem]

Taking your phone is extremely unreasonable and worrying tbh! What would he do if you demanded it back? Definitely repost in relationships, it sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg. YADNBU!

[Lottiedoubtie]

He took your phone. That is outrageous. Has he done it before?

Please tell your dad when he comes.

[CouthyMow]

He IBU. And starting to verge on abusive if he won't 'let' you ring your Mum, and won't 'let' you ring your friend to help, and doesn't like it when your friends and family visit. Separating someone from their friends and family is what usually happens when abuse is about to escalate.

And he's being quite fucking smirky, for want of a better word, whilst he's doing this.

He isn't getting the DC's dressed, he isn't getting basic medicines for the DC's, he is putting a DC in the shower with a top on (WTF?!), and causing meltdowns in your DC with SEN.

Is he usually this much of a cunt?

And why the hell are YOU cooking dinner?!

For balance : I am currently almost bed bound due to a combination of three disabilities (one treatable as of next week, so should improve slightly).

My EX (yes, EX, as in not together and not living together) has stayed here to help with the DC's, cooked dinner, done school runs when not at work, bathed DC's, done all the laundry AND put it away. I've had a tummy bug on top the last two days, and he's done EVERYTHING.

He's now got the tummy bug, yet has still done the laundry today. He's also chopped all the bits for dinner, and I'm going to cook as he might puke in the pan isn't well enough to cope with cooking smells.

The fact that he has done everything so I can rest without stress is the only thing enabling me to drag myself to the kitchen and SIT and cook.

Your 'D' H is a knob.

[AtYourCervix]

Wjhy is he incapable of caring for his own children for a day without direction from you?

He's an arse for taking your phone but you are also unreasonable for feeling you need to tell him what to do.

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi]

He is absolutely completely unreasonable to take your phone and to tell you who you can and can't speak to. That is so controlling and you should not have to put up with that, is he controlling in other ways?

The stuff with the children depends, yes they should be fed and safe but how and when he does that is up to him. You are being unreasonable to expect things to be done in the same way you do them

[sykadelic15]

Sorry but yes you're being unreasonable by trying to manage how HE is choosing to parent/manage the house.

Just because you do it a particular way doesn't mean you're right. He won't LEARN that you're right if you don't allow him to make mistakes and find out why you do things the way you do. But he still may find his own way to do it that isn't the same as yours.

As long as the end result is the same (kids are alive) then it's not the end of the world. They are understandably upset because their main caregiver isn't handling them so you could be assuming they're upset because he's doing things "wrong" when instead it's just different and the kids need to adapt.

The taking your phone on the other hand is VU unless you WOULD call your mum and tell her to come help because you think he's bloody useless thus undermining him.

Sounds to me like you think he's useless around the house and you're having trouble letting go of the control. Just enjoy your holiday/healing time and "fix" things back to your way when you feel better.

[Onesiegoddess]

Keeping your phone is unacceptable and worrying.

[YesAnastasia]

I'm glad there's a more balanced view now. He is a knob but I'm not blameless. I do have difficulty letting go of my 'control' and his way is never as good (IMO...) as mine. It's actually not 'technically' but he is a VERY good Dad in other ways. He's a lot more fun than I am - they were playing xbox for hours earlier (which I don't allow, they're 2 & 4 ffs) so they do think it's great with him. I wish I was the kind of person to think 'they're safe & happy & alive so it's fine' but I'm not.

There is a lot of power play in our house & it's exhausting especially when I'm not well. We argue in front of DC quite often and I feel so guilty about that. But if I don't stand up for myself then what are they learning about relationships and the woman's role? Why is it me that has to shut my mouth when he doesn't think he has to?

Yes this should be in relationships - how do I move it?

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

You report your own post and ask mumsnet to move it