Getting rid of the sentimental things when someone has betrayed you.

[KurriKurri]

Is it a good idea?

My STBXH ran off with another woman in October -we were married 31 years, Obviously a lot of stuff has accumulated over those years,but now that I am starting to move on I wonder if it would be cathartic to get rid ofthe sentimental stuff associated with him. Things I am thinking of getting rid of include:

A large collection of love letters he sent me (and the ones I sent back to him) before we were married.

Valentines/ birthday/ anniversary cards of an 'I love you' nature.

My wedding dress

All jewellery he has given me over the years (including an eternity ring,Oh the irony!!) as I don't feel I would get any pleasure from wearing any of it any more.

In some ways think it is sad and very 'final' but we are getting divorced - it doesn;t get much more final than that. But on the other hand I think it would might help me with moving on. I don't want, in years to come,to be sitting weeping over love letters Miss Haversham style.

Any opinions or comments gratefully received

[Keepithidden]

Yep, get rid. Your life is about to enter a new chapter, a new slate and all that.

Flog off the valuable stuff, go on holiday and relax on a beach with endless Margaritas until your money runs out!

[Allofaflumble]

I agree. Get rid, but sell what you can. Treat yourself to a nice male escort ;). I'd love to do that but would never have the nerve!

[Innocentbystander01]

Bin the tat and sell anything worth money then use the money to buy yourself something that he would have hated :).

[Allergictoironing]

A big bonfire, with friends (and lots of ) can be very cathartic. Just make sure you don't burn anything valuable - selling those at an auction might be a good idea as the whole lot can be consigned to the auctioneers in one fell swoop so you don't dwell on each item.

I'd make sure you have a good friend with you when you go through the stuff, partly as support & partly as a disinterested party to whether items are valuable or not.

[perfectview]

Do you have children who might value the letters, jewellery and wedding dress in the future? It is part of their lives as well and something they associate with you as much as your husband.

The letters in particular are part of their family history, no matter how things ended up.

[KurriKurri]

Supportive friend is a good idea - someone to help me be ruthless.
It is largely tat, and essentially just a reminder of the scale of the betrayal.
The jewellery might have a bit of value - I shall sell that, and yes buy myself something he would think was stupid (i.e most of the things I like! )

I'll stock up on wine and view it as a celebration!

Its also going to be necessary for me to get rid of a lot of other stuff, because I'll be moving somewhere much smaller, so dealing with the most sentimental things will make sorting the other stuff easier.

[Dahlen]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. After 31 years you must have felt shell shocked.

I think the question of having children is a good one. Children love to know that they were conceived as the result of an intense love affair. It makes them feel special and helps them to view their parents as people as well as parents.

Things may have ended badly, but your marriage was a huge part of your life. No amount of slash and burn will change that. Isn't it better to hold on to some of the good memories and remind yourself that, while it failed ultimately, it was successful for a very long time?

I can understand that you feel your STBXH's affair is a betrayal and makes a mockery of all that went before. He has betrayed you. However, before he allowed himself to be led by his penis and allowed his selfish, lacking-in-self-awareness streak to out itself, chances are he probably meant every word of those love letters and anniversary cards (unless you tell me he was an abusive bastard throughout those 31 years, in which case I will change my post completely. ). Your STBXH was probably an ordinary man in a happy loving marriage who simply failed when tested because he was weak. That doesn't mean his previous behaviour is a lie (although nor does it mean that you should forgive and forget).

I think in your shoes I would keep the love letters and the wedding ring for your children's sake if you have any. The wedding dress I would sell along with the eternity ring.

Good luck with moving on with the rest of your life.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I also second getting rid. It is cathartic, and very symbolic of making space in your life for new things.

I even changed my entire wardrobe during my divorce proceedings, so that I had a whole new "skin" as well as new life.

Kept only those things that matter to me as an individual.

[Sidge]

I would (and did) get rid of cards and letters. There is no point keeping them - what is done is done, you need to look and move forwards not backwards.

The wedding dress could be sold (if saleable - mine is still in the loft and is very 1990s so unlikely to sell so I might just give it to a charity shop).

I understand that "Trash the Dress" events are popular in the USA!

Jewellery can be sold, I believe the price of gold is particularly good at the moment. I need to get round to selling my gold wedding band, engagement ring and eternity rings and the few odd bits eg necklaces I have. I'm going to use the money to fund a dirty weekend away with my new man

Good luck

[KurriKurri]

perfectview - I take your point - those things have been going through my mind too.

As far as the letters are concerned - I think my children would find them very cringe-making (and I'm not sure I'd want them to read them) my STBXH wrote some fairly 'racy' stuff -and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to read it!

With regard to the wedding dress I'll ask my DD if she wants to have it before I chuck it. I don;t think she will.

There is also a nice bespoke king sized bed we had made when we had abit of money once. I wondered about offering that to my DS and his fiancee -but I'm not sure if it would weird them out (or they might think it'snot a very 'lucky' bed !) Probaby best to just sell it.

[Scarletpink]

Kurri, I think I remember your previous thread - was it your STBXH that put a letter through your door to say he was leaving you, and went abroad with the OW?

If so, given the pain I remember from your threads, I would absolutely do as the wise posters above have said. Keep the valuable stuff, burn the rest. I think he walked away from your adult children too, so involve them in this - they might find it cathartic too?

(Sorry big time if I have you confused with someone else)

[KurriKurri]

Thank you all - Dahlen I hear what you are saying. He is saying that he hasn't loved me for years blah blah blah (so why didn't he leave years ago one wonders?) which makes me rather question the sincerity of the cards and gifts. On the other hand he may be lying and he did give them with good feelings towards me. I just don;t know any more.

The wedding dress has no value apart from sentimental - I made it myself - very seventies in style. I have threatened to wear it to my son and DIL's wedding, just to keep them on their toes

[Dahlen]

I bet you'd get a good price for your dress in a vintage clothing shop or possibly even on ebay.

Regarding the love letters and cards, it you doubt the sincerity of the later ones, throw them away as they've lost any meaning they had. But I think I'd keep the ones written in the early days of your relationship. I don't want to get all morbid on you, but I've noticed time and time again that things like that can bring a lot of comfort when children sort out their parent's belongings after their deaths, etc. It seems to help with the grieving process.

[KurriKurri]

Yes that is me Scarlet - thank you for remembering. It was a hideously painful time, and when it happened I honestly thought I couldn't go on, I could see no way past the pain.

But I am moving forward now, because I have the rest of my life to live and I don't intend to let him and his woman spoil it. I don't to feel bitter and angry and miserable - life's too short.

And I find I can think about dealing with practicalities much more calmly now.

[Dahlen]

Oh wow! Just read Scarlet's post.

Kurri - I'm surprised you didn't want to burn the STBXH let alone the wedding dress!

That must have been incredibly awful (that sounds totally inadequate). If you can come through that with a sense of humour intact and a will to enjoy life, I think you'll do absolutely fine whatever you decide to do with your stuff.

Good luck.

[Scarletpink]

I remember your pain, and the hideous way he left you without warning. I'm so sorry that was you, but equally so glad to hear you sounding so strong and as you say, moving forward. Good for you!

How are your children now? I know they are adults, but that still must be so hard for them too, to be abandoned by their 'dad'? (I use the term loosely)

[KurriKurri]

Perhaps I should consult my children and see what they want.

I know when my Dad died my mum said I could read the letters he'd sent her when they were courting. I read one or two -they were incredibly sweet, he adored my mum, but I felt a little bit intrusive so I stopped reading them - I felt he'd written them just to her, and they were a special private thing between them.

I don't intend to re read letters my H sent me at any point (in fact I haven't looked at them for years) I can't think that they would be any kind of comfort to me, I think I might find it distressing to read them or feel angry. But if they are there, there's always a chance that I get down and sentimental and get them out. So I think getting rid is probably the best option.

[KurriKurri]

My children are very hurt and upset by what he has done, but they will need to work out their relationship with him in the future. I don;t think they will ever trust him again.

His behaviour has affected my whole family who have been worried and distressed on my behalf, - my 91 year old mother has been so upset by it all - that of all things I find very hard to forgive.

But I want to move on and be strong - I still have the odd 'moment' and feel down some days, but I've always had a good sense of fun, and I enjoy life, I am by nature a happy person on the whole - and I'm damned if he's going to ruin that or change the person that I am.

MNer's are always so kind and supportive - I'm very grateful for your input - it helps me sort out my feelings.

[OvertiredandConfused]

Hi Kurri,

I remember your original thread too and have wondered how you were getting on.

If I remember correctly, your children were a fabulous support at the time so I also think it's a good idea to ask them about some of the things. Maybe decide yourself what no longer matters to you then tell them that you're getting rid unless there's anything they'd like to keep - and that you don't mind either way?

Sounds like you're still being amazing . Well done.

[Poledra]

Kurri, I've thought about you a lot over the last few months - I'm sorry that it has all gone so horrible wrong, but it's good to see you back here and looking forward.

Regarding the things - I'd speak to your children about the 'things' (wedding dress, jewellery etc) as they might like some of it. The letters, however, I'd burn. They were not written to be read by anyone else but you, and you do not want them. I don't think your children have a call on such personal things. I still have a little collection of letters from old boyfriends, from DH-before-he-was-DH, some badly written teenage poetry hidden in my bottom drawer - they have a note on them suggesting they should be burnt without opening if found, as they are not intended for anyone except me.

Hugs for you, my dear, and I do hope you and the children are still managing to put one foot in front of the other, and to support each other as tremendously as you did in the beginning.

[KurriKurri]

Thank you overtired and Poledra. My children, my DIL, my sister, BIL and nieces have all been an amazing support to me, as have my friends - I feel truly blessed as everyone has rallied round and helped me get through this.

I want my children to be able to move on and not let the bad behaviour of one person colour their outlook on life, my DS is in a committed relaionship, but my DD is not and so for her it is harder, she has lost a lot of trust in people - men in particular. But there are plenty of good decent men out there - I hope she finds one of those when she is ready.

I feel I am at the beginning of a new chapter, a new adventure - I am very lucky that when this happened to me my children were grown up,so I have none of the anxieties and difficult situations that can arise when little ones are involved. I don't have to worry about contact of any sort.

Perhaps now is my time to do the things I want to - the things I was never able to do when I was always compromising my needs to accomodate someone else's.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Definitely park sentimentality and get shot of everything. Sell the best bits, burn the personal letters and give the rest away. You're right, you don't want to be mooning over old stuff like Miss Haversham and your kids probably won't be able to stomach it either. I think I kept one wedding photo in the end as a kind of historical marker and dire warning! Very best of luck

[wellthatsdoneit]

What an interesting thread. I've recently had to move all of my belongings from my ex's country to the UK so have come across a lot of these types of things.

Depends I think on the circumstances of your split, age of your children etc.

My split has been very acrimonious (ex ran off with another woman leaving me high and dry in his country, then took me to court for child abduction when I moved back to the uk, and hasn't paid a penny in child or spousal maintenance since he left). I've been decimated, emotionally and financially by his betrayal. The children are very young, and won't remember a time when we were together and not hating each other. I've chucked a lot of momentos (I'm very sentimental. Kept things like the piste guide on our first skiing holiday together etc) which wouldn't mean anything to anyone but me and him (but probably just me given his character to be honest). I'll never read the cards, look at the photos etc as it would be far too distressing, but maybe one day they'd like to see them and see a time when their parents did love each other. Ditto wedding dress and jewellery. I figured my daughter might be interested in it although they seem contaminated with bad luck now. I guess I think that all these things really belong to my young children, and it's up to them what they do with them when they're older. At the moment they're shoved in the 'Cupboard Which Must Not Be Opened'.

[wellthatsdoneit]

Oh dear. Now I've started crying again!