Help needed-dh,me and money

[Iamabadmother]

Have name changed for this thread but been on mn under various names for years. So ashamed I don't want anyone to recognise me.

Dh has found out that I have been using his credit card to buy stuff and he is furious. Its a lot of money-over a thousand pounds and I spent it all on frivolous stuff like clothes for myself and kids,make up,some stuff for house etc.

I know this is terrible but I find it so difficult to stop-I suffer from depression and have taken medication in the past but am too ashamed at the moment to go to doctors and admit am struggling again. Buying stuff cheers me up-albeit temporarily.

I won't be able to pay dh back much as I only have the cb-he pays all bills,mortagage,food etc.

Any ideas how I can sort this out please?

[Beth9009]

Don't worry about 'paying him back'. His money is your money if you're married. But you can't go spending money like that without his knowledge.You need to show him that you're not totally shallow and maybe don't buy any clothes or expensive stuff you don't need for 6 months.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Winding it back a bit... when you say you 'only have CB' how much are we talking about? If it's meant to cover clothes for you and the kids, household stuff and the other things you describe then - unless you have four or five kids - I don't suppose £20/week goes very far. Does he have the same amount of money to spend on himself personally? Or, after he has paid for the bills, food and mortgage, does he regard whatever's left as 'his'?

[lalalonglegs]

I know it seems a lot at the moment but £1000 isn't huge in the context of debts that some people run up. Cut up the credit card and apply to put all the debt on an interest-free card (when that card arrives, obviously cut that up as well).

That's the first practical step, the other is to stop feeling ashamed or embarrassed about your depression and go to the doctor to get a referral for some help. Don't beat yourself up about this, just show that you are determined to put it behind you.

[Ellisisland]

Oh sweetie I hope you are ok I have suffered with depression and not being good with money is an unfortunate side effect with some people including me.

How is your relationship with your DH normally? How is he reacting to this?

If you don't earn money of your own then you can't pay it back but you can try being better with any money you do have. Budgeting the weekly shop for example.
I imagine the hardest thing isn't the actual money but that you damaged the trust between you and DH? That can be fixed over time

Are you seeing anyone for your depression ? If it is manifesting itself around money it's often linked to self worth and self esteem. Do you think working, if possible, would help with both self esteem and money ?

Take care of yourself xx

[Cabrinha]

You're not the first love, be glad it's out in the open.
First off, your GP won't judge you, s/he's seen it before, and us there to help. Please go.

You don't have to answer this, but I do rather prick up my ears about you only having the CB.
Perhaps there's an issue here with how your family finances are managed? Spending is common with depression, and some or all of this may be frivolous comfort buying - but have you enough / a fair amount each month?

I'd feel stressed (not necessarily depressed, I know that's a medical term) if I had no control over my finances.

Please don't let the shame stop you getting help. You can fix this.

Your husband is allowed to be angry, I think, especially with the shock. But a good husband will care about your depression, and work out what to do together. Starting with GP.

[Beth9009]

I don't work and my fiance works hard so that I don't have to, but I have no interest in buying things like expensive clothes. If I started doing that, I think he would lose all respect for me because he hates shallow women. His ex wife used to spend and spend on herself and he resented her for it.

Consumerism is a disease in itself and you need to see it for what it is, OP. It will bring you no real happiness, just a shallow and temporary lift, If you want real happiness, look to your kids and husband for it. Good luck.

[gamerchick]

Why do you only have cb? Don't you have access to any other money at all?

[gamerchick]

I take it you walk around naked then beth?

[Cabrinha]

It's hard to say how you can fix it, not knowing your financial situation.

If you were my husband, I would love you, and fixing it would just mean going to the GP - and possibly if it was likely to happen again, I might ask you to give back the card, and use cash. But a joint decision in that.

If you want to find a way to raise money, can you go on an ebay frenzy selling unused stuff - old kids clothes, toys...
Or you could look through your household budget and make money from finding ways to cut it - for example, get really creative with money saving meals.

But I say those things as gestures, or if your family finances mean you now are under pressure to find the money. Not because you have to "pay your husband back".

[Fairylea]

So I take it you have equal spending money then??

It sounds like you don't and that's how you've got into this debt. Just child benefit alone isn't enough for a sahm to manage on.

I am a sahm and dh and I share all our money together. We transfer equal amounts of spending money into our own separate accounts to spend (we have a joint household account where all bills and mortgage etc comes out of).

Something isn't right with your finances overall here.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"frivolous stuff like clothes for myself and kids,make up,some stuff for house etc."

Unless you're kitting yourselves out in pink tutus and clown outfits, clothing is an essential surely, not frivolous? And make up, whilst not a life or death matter, most women would regard as an essential part of personal grooming.

[craftynclothy]

Can you maybe post more about the general finance situation?

It's a bit different if you're struggling to find money for the food shopping each month and neither of you can afford clothing, etc. to the situation where your Dh is off spending money on beer/clothes/treats for himself and you're at home struggling with just the cb.

[Lweji]

How much does he spend on himself?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Yes, before you accept the label of bad, irresponsible spendthrift, you need to go through the family finances and work out a realistic budget. If you are recklessly overspending then yes, a trip to the GP and some counselling should help you. But if the problem is that your H is overly controlling and keeps you short of money, then thats' a different set of problems.

[arthriticfingers]

As others have said, please work out the financial issues here before deciding that you are a worthless spendthrift.
Why not post here and see what other posters think?

[Iamabadmother]

I have posted before about our financial situation and been advised it is not normal. Dh pays all the bills,mortagage etc. I get the cb in my name-3 dcs. Dh works hard,long hours in a very demanding job and I am a sahm. I do some part time voluntary work.

I have been told before that my dh is financially abusive but I cannot find a way to address this with him as he thinks that because he pays for everything that I am in a very fortunate position. He never spends money on clothes for himself btw but he does get through quite a few beers and has a take away every weekend.

He is not a bad person and I genuinely don't think he believes that he is mistreating me.

I cannot use any of this an an excuse for my behaviour anyway as I spent the money on crap-good make-up and clothes etc which as a sahm I really can't justify.

I feel ill now

[CailinDana]

Do you all have a takeaway or just him?

[Viviennemary]

It was very wrong of you to use the credit card and to run up debt that you have no hope of paying off. Being an SAHM doesn't entitle you to run up debts and make the excuse it's money we share. If you share money then you both must be responsible, honest and open with each other. You have not been this so I am afraid the blame rests with you. The only way to remedy this is do some financial planning with a spreadsheet and hope you will be forgiven.

[OhGoveUckYourself]

Why do you feel you can't justify spending on make-up and clothes because you are a SAHM? So it is ok for your husband to relax with a few beers and a takeaway every weekend because he has been hard at work in the outside world but your work at home doesn't matter?
You are equal partners and your contribution is just as important.

[2014newme]

If you need clothes, what do you do? Do you have to buy them out of CB?

[Iamabadmother]

Sometimes I will have a takeway too but often I will just make the dcs and I something else. Tbf we are both bad with money-dh wastes little bits here on there on stuff like lunches at work,games for his pc etc.

I have shown dh I cannot be trusted with money so its probably just as well that I only have the cb in my name.

[arthriticfingers]

Vivenne the op does not 'share' money. She has access only to CB. Read the thread!
Justify to whom???!!! Your H???!!!
Your choice of words says it all.
It is not you who are wrong it is the financial set-up which your H has insisted on.
BTW, I am sure that he doesn't believe he is mistreating you - but that just makes it 100% worse - not better!
I don't remember your other threads, but it sounds like you might have been advised to phone Women's Aid. Think about doing that - it is only a phone call and they will listen.
Also, look at the links at the top of this thread. Particularly the link to financial abuse.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What do you mean 'as a SAHM you can't justify'? The expense because you're not bringing money into the household? Or are you supposed to go around in scruffy leggings because all you do is care for a house and children?

As for whether you are being mistreated, the 'tests' are things like whether you both have equal amounts of personal discretionary spending money, whether you have both have an equal say in how the family money is spent and whether both have full access to all accounts, loans, credit cards and so forth. Does your family pass those tests?

If you've been told he's financially abusive in the past then it has to be a possibility.

[SofaKing]

He buys beer and takeaways for himself but when you clothe yourself and your children it is wasting money?

I think your depression stems from the financial abuse you have been living with, you should not be made to feel desperate and guilty for spending household money on things for the kids! If you have bought yourself lots of designer luxuries when there isn't enough money for food your H may have a point, but I don't think that is the case from what you have said. As for paying him back, how about looking after his kids for free? Wait, you already do. . .

All I can suggest is you show him that this is a result of having no access to any disposable income, and discuss a personal allowance for both you, him, and the children, to spend as you wish to meet your needs.

But I think you might be better off contacting Women's Aid and asking for advice on leaving a financially abusive man

[Iamabadmother]

By justify I meant I had no need for so many clothes or buy expensive stuff when I don't go anywhere,need to look professional etc. Obviously it is all tied up to my self esteem/issues-I know this. When I wear something nice even if it it just to do the school run then I don't feel so worthless.

My dh does give me some money if I run out of the cb-just a small amount though. I am making him sound horrible and he really is not-he works hard for us all.