Is this abuse or am I just over sensitive?

[carter1982]

My husband blames me for everything and I mean everything. He takes absolutely no responsibility for anything in our lives and this leaves it up to me to make sure bills are paid, the house is clean and there's food in the cupboards. He works full time but so do I and I can't always be on top of everything. Tonight, our son was working a backshift (after school job) and wasn't going to be home till after 10pm. I'd had a really hard day at work, came home and made mine and my husbands tea and then sat down with my laptop to do some work at home. At around 9:45pm I asked my partner if he was picking our son up from work and he said yes, I therefore asked him to nip into the store where our son works and grab a fresh pizza so I could just shove it in the oven when they got back (for my son's tea). There was other food in the house but it was proper family meal type stuff and nothing really quick. Come that time of night I just couldn't be bothered preparing anything else.

He completely went off on one and started raiding the freezer to see if there was anything quick in there, he slammed one of the freezer drawers so hard it is now cracked down the front. He was swearing and shouting at me saying it was my fault there was nothing quick in and that it was about time I learned how to do a proper shop!! I do my food shopping online because I don't drive, we live outside of the town and he hates food shopping so refuses to take me. He sees online shopping as being an inferior way to food shop and is always complaining about it saying I'm just lazy.

The weekend just gone, I took a day off work on Friday and spent all day Friday and Saturday helping him clear out his mum's house, which was a pig-sty (I swear she should be on one of those Hoarders programmes). It was his birthday on Sunday so I spent the day pampering him and made a three course meal from scratch for him and his friends to celebrate. I then went back to work on Monday. I didn't expect it to take us so long to clear his mums house and by the time we had finished I just managed to secure a food delivery slot and do a quick shop with the essentials and a few family meals.

I didn't know our son would be working late during this week as he normally only works weekends due to school so I didn't think to get anything quick in.

My husband is prone to mood swings and I am regularly the focus of his anger but tonight seemed to come from nowhere and the way he was acting really scared me. This is the first time I have ever really felt threatened by him. All over a pizza!!!!!

Money is a bit tight at the moment as he hasn't had a pay rise in years and with Christmas, his birthday and the repairs to his mums house, it's been a tight month. He was going mad shouting that I have spent a fortune getting a Tesco shop but I expect him to spend more money in another shop to buy something for our sons tea. He ended the rant by telling me I'm a fat lazy cow and it's funny how there is always money to buy something when I want it but no money when he asks for anything.

All over a £3.00 pizza!!!!

I'm a strong woman normally but tonight as he slammed the front door on his way out after calling me a cow I actually broke down into tears, fell to the floor and sobbed.

He hasn't looked at me or spoken to me since he got back.

Any opinions on this would be really welcome, even if it is to tell me to get a grip.

thanks x

[sooperdooper]

He's being uttetly ridiculous, tell him to do the next lot if shopping himself

I can't fathom why picking up a pizza was such a huge issue, his reaction is unhinged tbh

[Twinklestein]

If you felt threatened then it's abuse. He's a total arsehole either way.

Do you know why you've agreed to be his slave on top of working full time? You should be sharing the chores 50:50, and if he doesnt like you shopping online then he can get off his lazy,me ntitled arse and go shop himself.

[Twinklestein]

entitled^^

[neontetra]

He sounds like an utter dick. Hope you are ok.

[Paleninteresting]

A fairly standard response to that would have been "no problem, see you in 15 minutes" Sorry you have been spoken in that way and have been frightened.

[SoonToBeSix]

No your not being sensitive, he sounds like a bully. Am crap with relationship advice but wish I could give you a hug.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Why are you married to this man? He and you both work FT yet you do everything?

Im willing to bet he did Fuck All to help.when your ds was a baby and just left you to do everything and he carry on as if nothing has changed.

Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is the right way to treat a partner?

[Saharap2]

He sounds so awful OP :( what am over reaction. No you didn't deserve it at all! I do think that sounds like emotionally abusive behaviour if you're having to tred eggshells around him due to this sort of outburst and he is very controlling.

[SolidGoldBrass]

He's abusive. He will have been abusive for years, and now he is escalating, as abusers do. He genuinely, fundamentally believes that you are his inferior and that it's perfectly acceptable for him to bully you, give you orders and punish you if you are not obedient.

Have a chat with WA and make use of the support available on here to get this man out of your life as much as possible.

[Handywoman]

carter am so sorry you have been subjected to this. I know what it's like to sit there trying to fathom out his logic and anger. Please don't waste any more time doing that.

Time for HIM to shape up, or ship out. Mine failed and O did kick him out. Life is better now, it really is. Please call WA.

[Back2Two]

Carter....he sounds awful.
A real bully with no insight.
And you must be exhausted.

The irony is you are much stronger (emotionally) than him. Take courage in that and start to plan a life without this ogre.

[desperatelyseekingsolace]

Its abuse. No question. Totally irrational and unreasonable response.

Are you in a financial position to manage on your own?

[Lweji]

To start with, make sure you have your own bank account and you keep money there. Even if it's tight.

Then, stop doing things for him. Food, clothes, cleaning his mother's house, whatever.

Finally, see a solicitor. This sounds like abuse, and I'm sure your son can be a witness for you. But get a free consultation and see if you can get help.
Or call WA for help in sorting out a solicitor and an action plan.

[CarryOnDancing]

You will drive yourself to the edge of a cliff if you spend your time trying to work out his motives and POV.
Even if you managed it, it wouldn't be an excuse for his behaviour.
What possible reason could there be for scaring the person you claim to love?

Keeping him alive and providing everything for his convenience is not your responsibility! He can quite easily fend for himself...and if it were my choice that's exactly what I'd make him do.

Getting a partner should mean you both get a 50% reduction in the household responsibilities-not him getting a 100% reduction and you getting a 100% increase as you are forced the responsibility of looking after him too.

[CarryOnDancing]

You will drive yourself to the edge of a cliff if you spend your time trying to work out his motives and POV.
Even if you managed it, it wouldn't be an excuse for his behaviour.
What possible reason could there be for scaring the person you claim to love?

Keeping him alive and providing everything for his convenience is not your responsibility! He can quite easily fend for himself...and if it were my choice that's exactly what I'd make him do.

Getting a partner should mean you both get a 50% reduction in the household responsibilities-not him getting a 100% reduction and you getting a 100% increase as you are forced the responsibility of looking after him too.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Your question is essentially: "Why is this abusive behaviour upsetting me?"

Because it's abuse, because no-one should have to live with that.

Your question now should really be: "What steps can I take to start a new life free from this man?"

What do you need to do in order to make that happen, carter? Can you start listing options here?

[Walkacrossthesand]

Agree with PPs - if you both work, and he drives but you don't , and he doesn't like the way you food shop, the inescapable solution is - he does the food shopping. I bet all the other things he rants and raves about could be solved similarly easily, so we can only conclude that he doesn't actually want solutions - he wants to shout at you.

[Bonnefoi]

There seems to be an awful lot of giving (by you) and and awful lot of taking (by him).

You both work full time so there should be a fair division of cooking, etc.

He sounds very spoilt/entitled, and my response would be that if he doesn't like the way you shop and/or cook, then he can take responsibility for that activity. If he wasn't willing to give and take on chores, I would stop doing his portion of them, ie don't cook for him.

That said, it's easy to say that when I don't live in your house, walk in your life, etc.

You deserve better.

[whatdoesittake48]

The solution to my husband not being overly impressed with my cooking skills was for him to cook his own food (and the kids). he has done so ever since even though he works full time. I look after myself and he eats what he wants (my tastes are picky).

there is a solution to his complaints and in a normal relationship you would come to a compromise. But this isn't normal. he has no desire to take over the parts of your role because it is too much fun to moan about them and keep you in your place.

[Allergictoironing]

As Walkacross says, it's all summed up in that one thing around shopping. You can't drive, the shops aren't on your doorstep, and he refuses to take you there. Yet when you resort to the only other possible option (not saying it isn't a perfectly valid option for anyone btw) then THAT is unacceptable to him. Whatever you say or do, it will never be "good enough" for him & he will always find some excuse to verbally abuse you. That is, until the day he steps over that line and shoves or hits you.

Add in that you work full time as well as him, yet he expects you to do everything including clearing up after his mother, and I'm very surprised that the marriage has lasted long enough for you to raise a DS old enough to have a weekend job.

You DO need to get a grip - a grip on realising that he is an entitled abusive bastard who doesn't deserve to crawl in your footsteps let alone live in the same house as you.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Your life partner should support you, make your life easier and your home a nicer place to be. Illness/disability aside, if this is not the case, you need to seriously re-evaluate your partnership.

Your "D"H is an entitled arse. Does he do anything that actually improves the quality of your life?

[Fudgeface123]

He sounds like a knob, but if this occurs again couldn't you just cook your son the same as what you're having and he can re-heat when he finishes work?

[Andy1964]

1. All over a pizza? Get a grip mate! He owes you at the very least an apology, especially after all that you did for and with him over the weekend.
   
   
2. Far be it for me, from reading an internet post, to suggest you seek legal help in leaving him, etc, etc, etc but do you want to continue to live the way you descibe. It's not fair and something needs to change if your not happy.
   
   If he's not happy then let him do the shopping and see how he manages it the way you do with a full time job.
   
   We can all loose out temper and go off on one now and again and a mans temper (in general) is more scary that a womans.
   If his temper scares you on a regular basis then I'm afraid the other posters are right, he is abusive, you are being abused and that needs to stop!
   
   Being married and running a family is team work, both partners need to carry equal burden. This sounds like you run everything and all he does is go to work.

[eddielizzard]

i can only echo the others really. you don't have to put up with this.