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Is he out of order or am I too clingy?

(89 Posts)
Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:19:22

I'm totally fed up with my relationship. My partner never wants to do anything with me, would rather spend hours playing battlefield whilst I sit in the living room alone then spend any time with me. I feel like he's just using me to help him pay the mortgage and as someone to travel with. Whenever I bring up marriage he shuts down, says his last one was traumatic and he can't think about that for years (I do however have suspicions that this is simply him financially protecting himself) and despite how many times I've asked him to name me on the mortgage and him saying he will sort it out he still hasn't after a year of living here and me paying half of it saying its "awkward" and would cost us money we could spend on other things.
He went away with work Monday morning to return this evening. Sunday night we'd arranged to watch a movie together - it got to 9pm and he finally drags himself off battlefield and says we might not have time for the movie now as he still hasn't sorted anything out for his trip. He'd had ALL DAY (I was at work all day and kids at their dads, he had the house to himself!). Like I say he'd rather play on battlefield. He begrudgingly comes to watch the movie half hour later and it turned out to have tons of marriage references in it. It just upsets me, he won't even talk about it. So anyway he says he'll call me from his hotel room last night. It got to 11.30pm so I sent him a text saying "take it I'm not getting this phone all then? Goodnight anyway" no reply but I could see he'd read it. I couldn't sleep and it is out of character for him to ignore a text so I called him, no reply. I sent another text saying "are you ignoring me or what? At least let me know you're ok" (as I said, out of character) and still no reply.
Am I just a mug or what? To add insult to injury I stumbled across a load of pics and videos of his ex wife on the computer last night, even a video of her walking around topless. I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

FluffyJumper Tue 14-Jan-14 19:20:54

So glad to hear you're ending it.

JainaProudmoore Tue 14-Jan-14 18:20:10

What Strokethefurrywall said grin

You should not waste a minute more of your time with this man child OP!

kotinka Tue 14-Jan-14 18:20:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockinHippy Tue 14-Jan-14 18:03:53


My DHs ex put £1000 towards the deposit for a house she shared with DH when they were together, her name wasnt on the deeds because she had debts & it would have worked agaist them getting the mortgage.

They had been together longer, but renting, she lived in that house for 3 months before running off with the guy that DH later found out she was already having an affair with. In that 3 months she didn't pay another penny, excuse every month as to why she couldn't afford it & DH accepted it as he knew she was dreadful with money & he was already helping her sort out her debts, with her blaming the state of her finances on depression & other such sob stories (not saying depression is, but it was used this time)

She left DH - house prices rocketed & nearly a year later she thought she'd try her luck - she had a good solicitor & walked away with over £10,000 profit on her £1000 investment.

She was a bitch for doing so, as she milked DH for years before that too, but you are not & the system that meant she had a financial investment in the property will apply to you too - see a solicitor ASAP

Good luck

Strokethefurrywall Tue 14-Jan-14 17:55:09

Gladys my love, it's time to reach into your pants and grab your big hairy woman balls.

Do NOT give this waster any opportunity to end it with you. YOU take control of YOUR life, and your kids' lives, and prove to THEM and YOURSELF that you can do better than this opportunistic parasite.

Pack your things, leave (can you find someone to stay with? I'd offer you my house if I didn't live 4000 miles away...) and draft a nice little note to stick to the hallway mirror (assuming there is on):

"Dear fuckwit - I'm afraid it's not working. I just don't fancy you enough. It's not me. It's you.
I expect the 2000 pounds that I loaned you as a deposit on the property in my account by x date or I will have my lawyers get in touch directly about securing my equity in the house that I have already paid for.

Yours ever so unfaithfully

... or something like that.

Nanny0gg Tue 14-Jan-14 17:30:57

Glad we cleared that one up. I have a feeling he's going to break up with me when he gets back anyway (and if he doesn't, I will).

Why give him the opportunity?

And get your money back.

QuintessentialShadows Tue 14-Jan-14 17:29:30

stop paying into his mortgage and save up to deposit. Can you prove you paid him 2k for mortgage?

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 17:26:43

tell him you either want your £2000 back or you will sue him for a share of the equity in the house - providing the deposit and paying the mortgage sounds a lot like a financial interest to me. He would be wiser just to stump up the cash.

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 17:22:52

It got to 3.30 and I was genuinely getting worried (I know I'm a dickhead) so I text to ask what time he was home. He replied "about 6.30, don't do me any tea I'll sort myself out later". So he hasn't lost his phone, he hasn't broken it, it hasn't ran out of battery and he hasn't been in any kind of accident leaving the only other possibility - he's just being a twat. Glad we cleared that one up. I have a feeling he's going to break up with me when he gets back anyway (and if he doesn't, I will). Had a quick look at rentals today, will look properly tomorrow. Wonder if I'll get back the £2k I lent him to secure the house in the first place, doubt it somehow

kotinka Tue 14-Jan-14 17:06:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 16:17:25

There is a legal argument that you have some claim on thehouse if you have been contributing to the mortgage but the value may well be lower than the cost of the legal fees to fight it.

plainjanine Tue 14-Jan-14 16:02:13

as Offred said - I would not be paying for my bf to buy himself a house.

This is totally what he's doing. Go and see a solicitor who specialises in property side of break-ups and get a free half hour consultation. Knowledge is power!

TheNorthWitch Tue 14-Jan-14 15:28:07

Years ago I worried myself sick when my live in boyfriend stayed out till the early hours without phoning and conjured up all kinds of accidents that he may have had. He eventually returned on the defensive with some BS excuse and made me out to be in the wrong for being concerned.

It was only years later with hindsight that I realised he was probably out with some OW as money was being drained out of our joint account at the same time. I was blind to it because it was not the way I'd behave and gave him a trust he did not deserve.

OP you sound like you are also being blindsided by this excuse for a man. I'd forget any notion of marrying him, get your own place with the children and focus on them and yourself - he is not doing you any good and that is not good for your children either. If he didn't want to commit and put you on the title deeds he should have been honest about that and not led you up the garden path - which he has!

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 14:58:29

I've suggested ending the relationship numerous times and he always says he doesn't want to

Of course he doesn't - why would he bother. Breaking up sounds like way more effort than any effort he's putting into your relationship. He's not going to end it because it suits him just fine the way it is.

If he's not replying then its way more likely that he's mentally moved on than thats there's anything wrong. Sorry I've been where you are and its as clear as day. I've even broken up and been persuaded back by the protestations of "I really think I'm nearly ready to commit now". What a big fat waste of 2 years that turned out to be.

What on earth do your childrne think of this non-relationship that they are living with, or does he not have much to do with them either?

shey02 Tue 14-Jan-14 14:55:02

You sound like a loving person, with alot to give to someone. I think you can do better than him though. smile

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 14:26:07

You don't need his agreement to end it.

I think it is obvious it is doing you no good staying together.

He sounds confusing, can understand why you're confused but it really isn't doing you any good and you'd be so much better apart.

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 14:22:47

I've still not heard from him. This is so out of character I'm having to stop myself from texting to ask if he's ok. I won't but it's in the back of my head that something might have happened to him, that's how out of character it is. Don't get me wrong, he often promises phonecalls and doesn't call but he ALWAYS texts the next morning with some bullshit excuse but this time, literally nothing.

Anyway, that aside I've suggested ending the relationship numerous times and he always says he doesn't want to. I've given him so many opportunities to end it.

The thing is, before we moved in together he was all "yeah I'd definitely get married again!" and "the house will always be in both our names" and then when talking about couples who spend a lot of time apart he would say he couldn't understand relationships like that etc. I feel like I've moved in with a different bloke.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 14-Jan-14 13:49:50

OP why woud you want to coerce / force someone to marry you? That sounds like a surefire route to misery to me

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 13:45:12

Potentially, if someone pays some of the mortgage whilst living in your home then they can take you to court and claim a share in the house so if you own a house and have a partner move in and you don't want them to have a claim then you should ensure they never pay money towards the mortgage (splitting bills is separate).

It's expensive to assert the right in court so people generally don't do it but the general principle with partners rather than lodgers is that you're not renting them a room, they are your partner and can expect a share unless you make it clear you have not agreed to this if they are paying. Getting put on the deeds or getting married makes it easier and cheaper for people to assert their rights but there are still claims for people living as a partner.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 13:41:21

You're quite right. I think the OP has made a lot of wrong assumptions about the nature of the relationship, not least the marriage aspect, but she has kids, thought the partnership is permanent and I can understand why she'd want to have some kind of certainty about the roof over their heads. Not that being on the mortgage achieves that, of course.

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 13:41:19

It sounds as if he may be trying to end the relationship anyway OP - by behaving badly enough that you call it a day.

Amen to that - it reeks of it doesn't it.

Twinklestein Tue 14-Jan-14 13:38:25

It sounds as if he may be trying to end the relationship anyway OP - by behaving badly enough that you call it a day.

firesidechat Tue 14-Jan-14 13:37:11

Also, is there really talk of marriage? There is from the OP, but I suspect not so much from her partner. Hence why she is so desperate.

firesidechat Tue 14-Jan-14 13:35:11

I know it isn't quite the same in a relationship, but isn't paying a share of the household costs a bit like paying rent? I've never lived with anyone apart from my husband, and we married first, so I've no first hand experience of how this sort of thing works. I'm not being difficult, just curious.

In this case at least there seems to be a huge difference of attitude between the OP and her partner. I'm not sure if this relationship has a future just because of that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 13:28:33

@firesidechat. As he is expecting the OP to pay not just a share of the bills but a share of the mortgage, and as the context here is a 'forever' arrangement with marriage being mentioned etc, I don't think she's being unreasonable for wanting some security.

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