Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is he out of order or am I too clingy?

(89 Posts)
Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:19:22

I'm totally fed up with my relationship. My partner never wants to do anything with me, would rather spend hours playing battlefield whilst I sit in the living room alone then spend any time with me. I feel like he's just using me to help him pay the mortgage and as someone to travel with. Whenever I bring up marriage he shuts down, says his last one was traumatic and he can't think about that for years (I do however have suspicions that this is simply him financially protecting himself) and despite how many times I've asked him to name me on the mortgage and him saying he will sort it out he still hasn't after a year of living here and me paying half of it saying its "awkward" and would cost us money we could spend on other things.
He went away with work Monday morning to return this evening. Sunday night we'd arranged to watch a movie together - it got to 9pm and he finally drags himself off battlefield and says we might not have time for the movie now as he still hasn't sorted anything out for his trip. He'd had ALL DAY (I was at work all day and kids at their dads, he had the house to himself!). Like I say he'd rather play on battlefield. He begrudgingly comes to watch the movie half hour later and it turned out to have tons of marriage references in it. It just upsets me, he won't even talk about it. So anyway he says he'll call me from his hotel room last night. It got to 11.30pm so I sent him a text saying "take it I'm not getting this phone all then? Goodnight anyway" no reply but I could see he'd read it. I couldn't sleep and it is out of character for him to ignore a text so I called him, no reply. I sent another text saying "are you ignoring me or what? At least let me know you're ok" (as I said, out of character) and still no reply.
Am I just a mug or what? To add insult to injury I stumbled across a load of pics and videos of his ex wife on the computer last night, even a video of her walking around topless. I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

patienceisvirtuous Tue 14-Jan-14 10:52:53

I feel for you. It's really hard to leave. I know because I flogged a dead horse for over two years and issued ultimate after ultimatum. Looking back, I wish I hadn't done that. It only ended after I found out he was leadinga double life

Seriously, life is too short to waste it on an arsehole who treats you badly. Just leave him because he isn't making you happy. You could have a very happy future ahead of you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 14-Jan-14 10:53:35

What did you learn about relationships when growing up to think that any of his sub standard treatment of you now is at all acceptable?. This is not love at all yet you state that you love him. Do you really know what a loving relationship is, it is certainly not that frankly piss poor model of one.

And you feel like a total mug not wrongly either. He has taken you for a fool.

He is an immature guy, who, basically is probably just not that into you.

You nag him and send clingy texts.

Better not to marry! Try to turn things around and have some fun together!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 10:55:03

"Anyone can say "I love you""

One of the most casually misused phrases in the English language. Sorry this is not working out for you and expect you're stalling because you've made a lot of upheaval to move in with him. You mentioned kids so do they see him as a permanent fixture? Are you worried about disrupting them?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 14-Jan-14 10:56:10

Its also not down to you solely to try and turn things around. He gets what he wants out of this and he is patently not at all interested in making any changes to his lifestyle as it is now.

Given a choice between you and Battlefield as well I think he would choose Battlefield.

ChippingInWadesIn Tue 14-Jan-14 10:56:47

Gladys - I am going to slap you around the chops with a wet fish. What the HELL are you playing at??? He doesn't love you (enough), he doesn't care about you (enough) - why the actual fuck are you hanging around??? Get out before you end up having kids with this selfish twat. Take your own children and GO. You do not want to be tied into a mortgage with this fool. You have been there a year... you will be in this exact situation or worse in another year, another 5, another 10. If he is acting like this in the 'honeymoon' period there really is no hope. Get out and get your own life and in time you will meet someone worthy of your (and your kids) love and attention who will give you the same back. You know the love isn't mutual... what are you doing? Seriously - what are you doing? You cannot make him love you!!


I know it wont be easy to move with the kids & 'stuff' but fgs - you owe yourself and them MUCH more than this fuck muppet.

stickysausages Tue 14-Jan-14 10:57:04

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think you know the answer here.

Get out, and find the relationship you deserve with a real grown up, not this man child.

ChippingInWadesIn Tue 14-Jan-14 10:58:25

You cannot turn this around. He doesn't want to 'turn this around'. He is 'telling' you who he is - LISTEN.

curlew Tue 14-Jan-14 10:58:25

I'm afraid you don't have to love someone to ask them to marry you. Particularly if you know that asking will make them carry on paying half their mortgage and doing their housework.

Forget absolutely about marriage- focus on the mortgage. If you're not going to leave him, you have to be hard nosed. Tell him today that you are not going to pay any more unless your name's on the mortgage. In fact, do it now. Then come and tell us what he says.

BuzzardBird Tue 14-Jan-14 10:58:51

Gladys is the kindest possible are a bit slow on the uptake aren't you?

You have had a unaminous reply saying you are 'flogging a dead un' am 'living with a manchild', 'he is still in love with his ex', 'using you to help pay his bills' etc and you are still thinking of ways to get that 'prize' to marry you!

It is time to cut your losses and find someone who deserves you and doesn't have children's toys for company.

twofingerstoGideon Tue 14-Jan-14 11:00:34

I want to be on the mortgage by the end of February and engaged by the end of the year
Why? Personally, I think you should run a mile from this immature twat.

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 11:00:58

What about him/this relationship do you love?

The bit where he doesn't want to spend time with you
The bit where he doesn't want to spend any money on you

He must have hidden depths because I don't see what is so lovable. Think about what it is about him that you love then try to decide seriously whether its real or in your head.

Don't feel a mug for paying half the mortgage because its probably no more more than you'd have paid in a house share and lets be honest that's what this is.

gamerchick Tue 14-Jan-14 11:04:31

Be honest are you hanging on in this unsatisfactory relationship because you're in competition with his ex? You want him to 'choose' you? You're on a hiding to nothing if you are.

You deserve more.. walk away man.

MillyRules Tue 14-Jan-14 11:05:18

Are these new pictures of his ex? Maybe he didnt answer your call because he was with someone else......ex maybe. Sorry all sounds suspicious if it's out of character.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 11:05:20

I once took an instant dislike to some knobber I met that 'joked' he fancied a WIFE.... 'And you know what WIFE stands for?' he said with a big fat grin on his face... 'Washing Ironing Fucking Etc'. Add 'paying the mortgage' and he could be this bloke.

OddFodd Tue 14-Jan-14 11:08:56

What Kewcumber said. Why do you 'love him'? Why do you want to marry him?

I feel like he's just using me to help him pay the mortgage and as someone to travel with.

That's exactly what he's doing. Are you really so scared of being on your own? sad

ShoeSmacking Tue 14-Jan-14 11:12:49

For a start, be clear that you don't want to be on the mortgage - you want to be on the title deeds for the house! Mortgage is just committing to debt, does not mean you own the house.

I am with everyone else. What do you actually get out of this relationship? As a rule, I'm not a fan of cries of LTB when all we've got to go on is a few lines of a post on an anonymous internet forum, but surely there's more to life than this? What are your minimum requirements for a relationship? For me, a call or text at the end of the day, some time spent together, mutual respect all seem pretty standard. But you have to decide for yourself. Right now, you don't seem to be getting your needs met at all.

How much of the mortgage do you pay? Half? in which case, yes, you are a mug. It's in his name, so you may contribute as rent, but why pay half?

SuzanneUK Tue 14-Jan-14 11:13:13

From what you say, this relationship seems almost non-existent. Having said that, however, only you know whether you're happier with him than you would be if you were free, single and looking for someone else.

On the purely financial side, are you better off paying half the mortgage and living where you are or would you be better off moving out and using your current half-mortgage payment to rent another home?

SchoolyardShizz Tue 14-Jan-14 11:18:13

I would never give someone an ultimatum to marry me. They either want to or they don't. Sounds like he's lost all interest. I would walk away and stop ploughing money into his mortgage

RockinHippy Tue 14-Jan-14 11:24:50

I don't care what you say, but I'm sorry but you are no more in love with this damaged man child than he is with you.

You are BOTH damaged people flogging out your self loathing on each other - you punish yourself every day you stay with this man, it is not love but an addiction, one that from what you write doesn't seem to actually have any highs anymore - did it ever ??

He is damaged, bitter & broken from his marriage breakdown & punishes YOU everyday for that, because you are there, you let him.

YOU let him because deep down, due to whatever childhood or other issue you feel you deserve no better, so you continue to " flog that dead horse" because in reality you flog yourself.

Sorry to be so blunt but you really can do so much, you DESERVE so much better, but you need to believe that at a much deeper level not to just keep on repeating this same pattern of behaviour with the next loser.

You both need counselling to address the deeper issues at play, only then can you truly pick up the pieces & move forward in a truly healthy way - I suspect it won't be with this man, as he sounds so stuck in his man child ways that everyone else will be to blame. If you have any ultimatums to make, this is the one I suggest you start with - he goes to counselling & then maybe once good foundations are laid, you can think about couples counselling - but don't hold your breath, he doesn't sound thevsortvto take real responsibility for anything.

YOU on the other CAN move forward from this, you can also get yourself to a place where you don't fall into this trap again - THEN you will find someone who truly loves & respects you - because you love yourself enough not to accept this crap.


Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 11:27:52

They weren't new pictures of the ex but even so, can you imagine his reaction if he came across videos of me zooming in and out of my ex's crotch? And photos of us cuddled up together looking all cozy and happy? I bet he still has his wedding ring squirreled away somewhere too.

It has crossed my mind that he could have been with someone else last night, he's up in Scotland (I know that to be true) but it's so out of character for him not to at least respond to a text or phone call that it does make me wonder.

ScrambledSmegs Tue 14-Jan-14 11:29:36

Oh Gladys sad. You can do better than this guy, you really can. You aren't getting anything out of this relationship, except a severe kicking to your self-esteem.

stickysausages Tue 14-Jan-14 11:29:49

I'd be gone before he gets back tbh

peggyundercrackers Tue 14-Jan-14 11:41:14

why do you want so desparately to be married? also not sure i understand how anyone can get upset during a film because of references to marriage... from reading your OP and subsequent posts all I can see is you saying you want xx, you want xx, you want xx etc... what does he want? relationships are a partnership - its not all about what 1 person wants.

i can understand his reluctance to put you on his mortgage/deeds if you have only been living together for a year - I certainly wouldnt put myself in that position... from his point of view no doubt hes thinking he has been fleeced divorced once and is still paying for that then someone hes been living with for a year can potentially walk away with half his house if it all goes down the pan in a few months.

from the sounds of it you are both moving at different speeds in the relationship and i get the impression hes not as keen as you.

Leviticus Tue 14-Jan-14 11:50:53

Honestly? It sounds as though you are convenient for him but that he doesn't really love you.

You ARE worth more and you will have more if you finish this and move on.

Best of luck.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: