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Sex: Fiance not 'finishing' in the bedroom

(62 Posts)
Beth9009 Tue 14-Jan-14 02:42:15

I am getting married in a matter of weeks and most things are going fine, but there is one issue in the bedroom and that is that he rarely ejaculates. Should I be concerned?

Occasionally he'll manage it after about 40 minutes of going at it, but most times he'll just give up. He has never managed it through oral sex, only ever intercourse. Despite this, his sex drive is normal I think - we have it at least twice a week...sometimes every night, and only very rarely will he have trouble getting an erection (which I think is normal for men from time to time?).

So it doesn't really affect me as he is still able and willing to have sex, but is it something that I should be worried about? As in, does it indicate a downward path in terms of his sexual performance? I.e maybe in 5 years he'll have trouble keeping it up? If it matters, I'm 25 and he is 36.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 14-Jan-14 02:48:22

does he have problems at any other time? ie - masturbating? i think you need to establish if this is a physical problem or a psychological one.

Beth9009 Tue 14-Jan-14 02:52:47

VicarInaTutu - I think he probably finds it easier to finish when masturbating. Sometimes after we've had sex he can finish while masturbating on my chest, if that's not too graphic!!

BOFtastic Tue 14-Jan-14 02:59:43

Have you any idea if he has been a heavy porn user? That can sometimes desensitise a man to sex, and leave him conditioned to masturbation.

Or is he on any medication? Some anti-depressants, for example, can cause delayed ejaculation.

Any other health issues?

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 14-Jan-14 03:04:25

i think i would want to know more from him - as in has he always had this problem?
with other women?
how many other women has he slept with....?
has he ever felt that he could see a gp and get investigated as to why this may be?
i guess ultimately it depends on how important it is to you and him....but i think he should probably see a gp if he can muster up the courage. i would want to find out if there is a problem - if he can finish alone or by masturbating it sounds more psychological. it could be something really simple that he isnt disclosing to need a really honest talk. the fact you posted means its bothering you on some level - i would want to enter marriage without any unspoken to him.

my dh had a problem many moons was something really simple but something he just couldnt voice without help.

Lairyfights Tue 14-Jan-14 03:06:52

Have you spoken to him about it? I think getting his opinion is your best bet if it is playing on your mind. It might be something as simple as he's just tired or stressed or feeling a bit more pressure. It sounds like you have a healthy sex life, and he's clearly still interested in you and your needs - probably just a faze, we all have changing sex drives!

Beth9009 Tue 14-Jan-14 03:09:40

But if it's a psychological problem, how could that be resolved?

He was married before we met and he says that he's always taken a long time to ejaculate. I don't think he's into porn.

How normal is it for men to ejaculate every time? We hear it's normal for women to not orgasm through intercourse every time or even at all, so could it be the same for men? Also, time wise, what is normal?

tethersend Tue 14-Jan-14 03:10:01

Sounds like delayed ejaculation...

Beth9009 Tue 14-Jan-14 03:15:26

Yes, that does sound like it could be it!

kmc1111 Tue 14-Jan-14 03:26:47

It's not particularly unusual, there are many causes. Some men who've previously had premature ejaculation can find it starts to swing the other way, and the tricks they use to prevent orgasm work a little too well. Some men just find it difficult to switch between trying to prevent orgasm and letting go. He may be slightly less sensitive down there than the average guy, especially if he's circumcised. Lot's of medications can have this effect, as well as stress. He may let his mind wander and lose interest. He may not be able to orgasm without thrusting very hard and fast, and some men won't do this because their partners don't like it/they assume their partners won't like it...there are really countless reasons.

Being able to orgasm through masturbation but not oral or PIV is again not unusual. Masturbation provides much greater friction.

If he's not having issues getting or maintaining an erection now, and is still interested in sex, this is unlikely to lead to impotence. It could cause issues if you want to conceive in future, but there are ways around that.

Beth9009 Tue 14-Jan-14 03:31:12

Okay thanks.

He is still interested in sex, but occasionally he'll need a minute to get it up. Or if we've been having sex and we stop briefly, it might go down before he takes maybe 20 seconds to get it up again. Is this normal? I didn't have many partners before him, you see.

Yogii Tue 14-Jan-14 05:38:10

It's not normal. Most men of his age have no trouble getting and keeping an erection.

There's a psychological issue here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 06:29:57

There's a principle at stake here. Whether it's normal or not, it's bothering you. And if it's bothering you, and you're currently planning a lifetime with this man, then you have to speak up rather than keeping quiet. What can start out as a minor niggle in a marriage can become a source of all kinds of problems if it's not addressed. So that means you talking to him honestly & him taking your concern seriously rather than shrugging shoulders and saying 'it's just how I am'.

Littlefish Tue 14-Jan-14 06:36:53

In agree with Yogii. He is only 36. I would suggest very gently talking to him about seeing a GP.

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 14-Jan-14 06:40:37

If you want to have children with him, it does matter if he can only orgasm through masturbation, surely

MissPryde Tue 14-Jan-14 06:41:24

I had a long term ex with this exact issue. It's not completely unusual. I remember looking it up at the time. You do not need to be concerned if you're satisfied with your sex life. It shouldn't lead to issues getting or keeping erections later. The important thing is whether you enjoy and are satisfied with sex as you have it. It may be physical or psychological. With my ex I felt it was both. He was overweight, and I think it affected his ability to engage in sex to completion. He also watched/looked at a lot of porn, which I think desensitized him to actual sex.

With my ex, it became an issue because I was not being fulfilled in or out of the bedroom. Sex was a chore, because no matter what I was expected to finish him (by hand as it were, only way I could) every time we engaged in any kind of sex. On at least one occasion I was in tears as I did... but that's an old rant.

It you're happy with him, happy with your sex life, I would not worry about it. If you aren't happy, I think you need to discuss what may be the root causes, or what you two can do to make bedroom time more enjoyable and fulfilling for you.

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 14-Jan-14 06:41:44

I meant to say, being practical and leaving aside all the emotional issues

MissPryde Tue 14-Jan-14 06:42:36

Oh - and the boyfriend was around age 22 at the time.

bigbuttons Tue 14-Jan-14 06:49:39

Well, really at your stage on your relationship the sex should be as frequent and energetic as it's ever going to get. As he gets older and the relationship settles, daily life takes over etc etc, the sex will calm down.
Since's he's having problems now I would be concerned, yes.

Lweji Tue 14-Jan-14 08:08:34

For me, ATM, it would be a matter of whether he will see a specialist about it or not.
I could deal with not having children but not with a partner who didn't want it investigated and made better if possible.

loopeyloo Tue 14-Jan-14 09:05:32

Is he on any medication? Or a drinker maybe?

I know a lot of men cant get it up when theyve been drinking but my OH is opposite and struggles to cum which i find a bit odd but he doesnt drink that much so not an issue. He also had the same issue years ago when he was young but he was taking things he shouldnt of been (not saying your OH is) Just wondering if it is something chemical causing it

AnyFucker Tue 14-Jan-14 09:18:28

Marijuana use?

Lazyjaney Tue 14-Jan-14 09:26:26

What big buttons said.

I am constantly amazed on MN by the number of women who enter relationships with, and go on to have kids with, men who are fundamentally problematic and will be unsuitable for them.

OddFodd Tue 14-Jan-14 09:32:15

How are you marrying a man if you're not even sure if he's into porn or not? Don't you know if you're potentially signing up for spending tens of years with this man? confused

beachside Tue 14-Jan-14 20:56:11

Wasn't there someone on here recently complaining her new guy arrived too soon? Can't please everyone on MN eh?


It's called delayed ejaculation - as mentioned and linked above. It's not excessive porn use. I knew a guy who literally could not ejaculate via oral. A long term ex had told him so many times how she hated the taste / effect he'd taught himself not to cum orally.

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