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Cheating .... should she know ?

(105 Posts)
smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 15:42:55

New here so please be gentle

I recently started a casual relationship with a really fun guy - it was a good friendship as well as the rest.... However I found out he is married !

We are not longer together, for me he betrayed my friendship and broke the fragile trust I had in guys.

Anyway my question is do I tell his wife ? I know with certainty he has seen women before me and within a week was seeing someone else. I also found out he is bi and seeks to meet guys with his new woman for bi fun 3sums.

He has 2 children and from what I can gather his home life is good - this is all about the thrill for him.

Can I have your thoughts please ? I am feeling partly pee'd because of his lies to me, I feel guilty even though I didnt know and I feel annoyed he can just move on to another without a thought ...

smilingeyes79 Tue 14-Jan-14 17:40:59

Thank you

I will add that to my thinking... Not just if I tell but how.

Tonandfeather Tue 14-Jan-14 15:13:17

Can you do a bit of webwork and find out where she works? Is she on LinkedIn for example? You might find a contact number on there so you can speak to her and ask to meet her after work, or at a time/place of her choosing. If she asks you to tell all on the phone, do check she's got someone supportive close by.

smilingeyes79 Tue 14-Jan-14 15:01:12

If I decide to tell her, how do you think would be best ?

I know where they live but I dont have home or wifes number. I know its been suggested to tell her face to face.
I am not so sure it would be a good idea to just turn up at her home, she works full time so when she is home so are the children. Its a real personal in your face invasion of the place she feels safe.

Oh I wish I had never met him

Tonandfeather Tue 14-Jan-14 13:14:23

Surely the people who don't get why bunny boiler is a horrible term are the ones who live in ivory towers, not the people who actually live in the real world and who get out more? If I used that term at work or in company, I would be pulled up on it. It's no different to slut or slag, like a pp said. Besides anything, it's an inaccurate term for what the poster is thinking of doing. She's not talking about assaulting his wife, children or pets because he stayed with them and finished with the poster. She finished with HIM and proposes letting his wife know in a calm way.

Some of the posts having a go at the poster for not getting to know the guy better before she got involved are I'm sure just the usual judgemental bullcrap women get for having casual sex with relative strangers. I don't think a guy posting would get that sort of crap.

It's good you're getting yourself checked out. I'd tell his wife for her health reasons too. This guy is into risky sex and would ditch protection if he could get away with it.

perfectstorm Tue 14-Jan-14 13:09:06

I've never read such tosh regarding the outrage here over the use of Bunny Boiler. Misogynist? Offensive to women? Christ what kind of ivory towers are you living in???

Every single woman I know in life would hold the same view on the term. It's nasty and it's sexist - that's the world we live in, sure, but why on earth should we collude in it?

I'm sorry you find the concept of being disagreed with so personally difficult, as that must make life a real challenge for you, but I'm afraid it's unreasonable to expect us all to alter our views to reassure you that your own are correct.

As for you Leaven I too wonder about the motives of someone who can say.*I don't give a stuff whether the OP tells or doesn't'* but who keeps coming back to take other posters to task who happen to have differing opinions.

I suggest you reread your own posts, in that case.

No he is very lax re protection. Only used with me because insisted and reminded him.

Again: I would want to know. If she doesn't, she can tell herself that you're just crazy and after her pearl of a man. But you are at least giving her the option.

Jaffacakesallround Tue 14-Jan-14 13:06:14

It's not helpful to say that 'you would want to know'-and suggesting someone tells on that basis- that's you. You can't speak for other women, whose circumstances and emotions you know nothing of.

I've no axe to grind on this personally, but in my posts I've tried to offer opinions based on almost 60 years of living and seeing all kinds of relationships and scenarios. I've never once said I'd tell or not tell because of how I'd feel because I don't think that is a valid way to advise someone.

Grumpasaurus Tue 14-Jan-14 12:58:43

Hi again,

I've been thinking about this post a bit, particularly in relation to my job.

I work in HIV (and sexual health), and one of the parts of my jobs is to do HIV testing. My last three positive diagnoses have been middle-aged women whose husbands have been playing around (Grindr, bisexual, other women, prozzies, etc).

Two of them found out early enough to get onto decent treatment which will hopefully prevent their HIV from ever developing into AIDS. The third wasn't so lucky- she had the virus for so long, it had become untreatable.

She will die from AIDS related illnesses.

Tell her. She has the right to know.

hookedonchoc Tue 14-Jan-14 12:23:19

I would want to know the truth if I was her, regardless of the motive of the person giving me the news.

I don't like the sound of his threat, though, and if you feel safer walking away I don't think you have any responsibility to tell her. Can you protect your identity, perhaps by giving her a throwaway number to call you on for more information so you won't be harrassed and can get rid of the sim if turns nasty?

smilingeyes79 Tue 14-Jan-14 12:13:53

No he is very lax re protection. Only used with me because insisted and reminded him.

I have been checked and am awaiting results. Although we always used protection, nothing is 100%, especially orally with him meeting guys

Whatisaweekend Tue 14-Jan-14 12:06:40

I would def tell her for one reason and one reason only - her health. If he is putting it about so much and in so many different ways, he could be catching all sorts and passing them on to her. Such promiscuity could be extremely dangerous. Unless you can, hand on heart, say that he is utterly obsessed with safety and doesn't even think of sex without putting a condom on, then god knows where this could end.

Horrible, horrible situation and I really feel for you.

CarryOnDancing Tue 14-Jan-14 09:10:14

I was told that my ex had cheated. I wasn't angry with the woman, she didn't owe me any loyalty and I was just glad she told me so I could get out of there.
I would absolutely always want to know as for me there could be no worse fallout than discovering I could have been out of the relationship sooner.

The "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" perspective is so bizarre and baffling to me. For all we know, the wife had already posted on here about his strange behaviour. She could be one of the posters who says she feel like she can't leave because she has no hard facts.

OP, you have those facts and regardless of whether I'd discovered an infidelity in the past or not, my opinion is still that you should tell. I think it's almost cruel to hold so much truth and not deliver it.
Of course you absolutely must take the revenge aspect out of it so that it doesn't shadow it and create more drama for the wife.

I was fully supportive of you until you said that you've gone back to him with your evidence. I agree the term bunny boiler is shitty, though I do think the general revenge for revenge sake element has to be remembered. As long as you just deliver the facts and walk away I think the wife deserves to know.

People post here all the time and usually the stock response is to LTB and posters go on to tell the OP how they don't deserve such a life and their oh is a controlling twunt who doesn't love or care about their partner or children.
The wife here is still in this situation-she just doesn't know it yet. Or maybe she just doesn't feel she has enough concrete evidence and without it would feel like it was her ripping the family apart, rather than her husband?! You have that evidence.

I can only assume when other posters say the wife may know but turns a blind eye, they mean she doesn't have enough proof yet? Surely there can't be that many women who are happy to completely ignore continuous affairs? Of course there must be some but the percentage compared to those just looking for a way out has to be tiny?

Jaffacakesallround Tue 14-Jan-14 08:07:50

I've never read such tosh regarding the outrage here over the use of Bunny Boiler. Misogynist? Offensive to women? Christ what kind of ivory towers are you living in???

As for you Leaven I too wonder about the motives of someone who can say.*I don't give a stuff whether the OP tells or doesn't'* but who keeps coming back to take other posters to task who happen to have differing opinions.

If you don't care, why do you keep adding to the thread with your 'advice' confused

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 07:34:30

'he deserves to be brought down'

But his type - arrogant, confident, stable of willing women - aren't brought down by this ever, are they? I've been the wronged wife finding out about a DH's affair. It was one of the most cripplingly horrible experiences of my life & it changed my life trajectory a full 180 degrees. I struggled financially, had several years of dipping in and out of depression and other horrible stuff.

He, on the other hand, went on to great things. New partner straight away, a couple of kids in due course, career finally took off, smart place in London. He wasn't 'brought down' in the slightest.

Would I have rather not known? Can't say. But the impact of knowing affected me far more than him.

Lazyjaney Tue 14-Jan-14 07:21:57

"The term 'bunny boiler' is derived purely from the film Fatal Attraction"

And it's in common usage as it describes a sort of person that really does exist, if this term wasnt used another would be. This petty censorship is silly - it's not misogynist to have words that describe bad women.

Anyway OP, the question you need to ask yourself is why are you really doing this, and what do you think the outcome for you is going to be.

RudyMentary Tue 14-Jan-14 07:13:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosencrantz Tue 14-Jan-14 05:54:48

Yes Rudy, we know it is. That doesn't mean it's not horribly sexist though.

str8tothepoint Tue 14-Jan-14 05:36:28

Jaffa who gives a fuck what's going on in his life, to think he can go around shagging any girl he likes while married is wrong. He deserves to be brought down or are you accepting that affairs are ok and that his wife should not know their marriage is a sham???

RudyMentary Tue 14-Jan-14 05:13:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RudyMentary Tue 14-Jan-14 05:10:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm Tue 14-Jan-14 04:54:22

If I were the wife, I'd want to know. My whole life would be a lie, and if he's getting involved in bisexual random contact hookups my health would be threatened, too.

As long as you just provide the info and stress you don't have a view beyond that other than wishing her well, I think that would be helpful, personally.

And anyone who doesn't know "bunny boiler" is a misogynist term might want to do some research and reflection. Really unpleasant when women engage in that crap to other women, IMO.

smilingeyes79 Tue 14-Jan-14 02:13:55

Well thanks to everyone for your input - some more useful and constructive than others.

Obviously an emotive subject. As i said earlier i will sit on it a couple of days, re read the thoughts on here and make a decision one way or another. I have a party on Saturday and plan to have a clear head and free spirit by then :-)

Rosencrantz Tue 14-Jan-14 01:38:09

Jaffa, using the term bunny boiler is misogynistic and anti women, no matter how you wrap it up.

It's a sad sign of the patriarchy that you can't see that. Nothing wrong with slut to describe a promiscuous women either, eh?

beachside Tue 14-Jan-14 00:29:38

What does it have to do with you OP?

And I can see the phone call, ''oh hi, you don't know me, but I was shagging your husband, yes, I know, he's pretty good isn't he? Oh, he does that to you too? Lovely< i really enjoyed that bit too, anyway, I'm just calling to tell you that he's not shagging me any longer and he's shagging someone else, yes!! I know, he doesn't hang about does he? Anyhoo, toodle pip, keep your chin up, hugs xxx''

Leavenheath Tue 14-Jan-14 00:13:57

Oh FFS it is a big deal to use the term 'bunnyboiler'. It's really offensive to women and I'm not the only poster on this thread who has challenged your use of it, Jaffacakes.

I've explained once about how some posters project, but you're now inventing things I didn't say. At no point have I ever written that posters can't step outside of their own life experiences or prejudices to give advice. Thank goodness for OPs, many can.

But like I recall once saying on a thread like this one, an OP might be best advised to wonder why one poster in particular keeps coming back to insist she doesn't tell and whose posts get nastier and more personally critical of her each time.

As always on threads like these, I don't give a stuff if the OP tells or doesn't. Neither do I think wanting revenge or feeling angry are bad things. All I ever care about on threads like these is that the person being told is allowed some dignity and the opportunity to ask questions and see evidence if available- and that the messenger isn't given responsibility and blame that's not hers. She's not to blame for hurting another family. The bloke who's shagging around is entirely responsible for that, seeing as the messenger in this case didn't know he was married.

I'm dumbfounded that anyone thinks this poster has done something wrong or that she needs to 'learn from the experience/her mistake'. She was lied to, but as soon as she found the bloke out in that lie, she dumped him. What exactly are posters suggesting she should have done differently? confused

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 22:16:51

It's not rot to call someone on overusing the word projecting. It is though arrogant and patronising to suggest that someone cannot step outside their own experiences and (possibly) prejudices, to give advice. We all use our life experiences to form our opinions and behaviour but that doesn't mean we can only see things from one dimension.

Bunny Boiler is a well understood term and applies to a woman who seeks revenge. It may apply to women only because of the film but it's no big deal to use it.

OP you need to be honest with yourself. It's your ego that's bruised.Being duped, lied to, taken for a fool. It happens to most of us in life over something- not just casual sex with someone who turns out to be a married man. Shit happens. Get over it and stop trying to play God and inflict pain on another person.

You have NO IDEA what is going on in this guy's life and no idea how his wife would react.

You are looking for revenge either because you have a massive ego or because you were much more involved emotionally than you care to admit which is why you are wasting time wondering how to hurt this man ( and his entire family) rather than moving on and learning something from the experience.

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