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Sex... Again

(77 Posts)
Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 01:33:34

Have got myself into a silly situation... Again... <head desk>

New bf... The one who can be flakey and immature... <yes I know although he has been a bit better recently>

Been doing BDSM, he is mostly the submissive ATM.

Was initially reluctant to play dom but found I enjoyed and was good at it. Have discussed with him previously that my ability/desire to be cruel comes from having been abused by men and is directly tapping into those (well repressed) feelings of hate.

He initially found this exciting. I know... He's quite immature, the relationship is not particularly serious. I felt this was better than freaking out, we discussed it...

I have discovered he is not particularly good at knowing what he is comfortable with though. He wants me to be ever increasingly cruel, which I am. He usually is very excited by this.

However, the other night I broke him... Literally... When he said the safety word, we were doing something he decided he wanted as a reward, it was ill advised in my view, but he was insistent without really thinking/knowing about what it would be like/listening to me about necessary preparation. I did stop immediately when he pretty much inevitably didn't like it, but felt utter contempt and full of hate for him and found it very hard to mellow and become sympathetic and comforting.

He was extremely emotional for a good hour after but said he was excited by it the day after so confident I haven't hurt him. What I'm concerned about is how it made me feel and where those feelings were coming from - pure hate and contempt, thinking 'you utter privileged weakling to get to say no and not endure the pain and humiliation your kind has heaped on me.'

We talked about it and thought we should back pedal to just having normal sex, he suggested I should speak to rape crisis about my repressed hate. But this whole thing now feels quite fucked up.

Maybe it is. But I don't feel interested in 'normal sex'. It's like I need it to be painful and cruel in some way for me to be interested.

I haven't name changed which is perhaps unwise but I don't like to. I'd appreciate it if you could be a little kind, even if you tell me the obvious, and help me work out what is going on and how to fix myself... Is it the relationship or is it me or both?

Tonandfeather Mon 13-Jan-14 01:45:31

It is you.

But you need to get out of this relationship as it's likely to damage you both further.

Go get some help.

I'd stay off here too.

I'm not sure you can help others in their relationships when you're unwell and need help. That's maybe the responsible thing to do.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 07:08:04

I see.

I don't agree that I'm 'unwell' tbh. I have a specific problem with some repressed hurt which only comes out when I'm encouraged to be deliberately cruel so I think saying I'm unwell is a bit excessive.

What sort of help did you mean?

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 13-Jan-14 07:57:04

This kind of thing never goes well. There's a reason all the guidance tells you to be in a loving relationship.

You aren't letting out the hurt in a meaningful way. It might feel good at the time, but it isn't productive to healing. You are also using him to release the anger, and as time goes on, you'll find it harder and harder both to give him up and to stop when he wants you too. Especially if he encourages you.

He sounds like he's desperate to impress you, and he may well have issues himself. This won't help either of you. It also won't end well.

Counselling will help, but it'll be painful and if you wanted to take that route, you'd presumably have already done it. So that leaves finding a healthy way to deal with this yourself. It's not this, though.

poopooheadwillyfatface Mon 13-Jan-14 08:04:10

Something about this situation brings to mind a vulnerable teenager getting mixed up in dangerous things beyond what they can cope with, in an effort to regain some self esteem and feel in control of their life and feelings.
I know you are not but i suspect the underlying wish to punish yourself, make yourself needed, use the dom thing as a way to establish your identity is similar. Any thoughts?
btw I think it's kind of good you didn't nc as we know you and it would sound iffy from a new postersmile

FolkGirl Mon 13-Jan-14 08:05:17

Hi offred. I don't agree that you're 'unwell' as such, but you clearly have some unresolved issues, and serious ones at that.

I don't wish to speak for anyone else, but I was also a little surprised to read this. I think the issue with advising on here is that when people are in a vulnerable position and seeking support on here, they can latch onto the advice that is given (rightly or wrongly, given the MNHQ disclaimer about people not being experts) and make decisions that impact on their whole lives on the basis of it.

Posters might believe that they are being advised from a position of personal awareness or wisdom and might now feel that they have been advised by someone who has a particular axe to grind against men.

I don't know what the solution for you personally is, but I would agree that this current relationship is not it.

Have you considered counselling?

EirikurNoromaour Mon 13-Jan-14 08:05:24

Yes it's fucked up and you really shouldn't be using your romantic or sexual relationships to play out your feelings about men. If you can't respect and value your partner then sex/love is out of the question and it sounds like you aren't in a place to respect and value any man.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 08:08:15

I have had counselling and am having CBT ATM for anxiety.

Usually I am the sub 'twas him who was keen on switching and for a long time I was unsure about it so not sure about the keen to impress me. Perhaps a misunderstanding of BDSM there? The sub is usually the one in control.

I wouldn't say the relationship is not a loving one either tbh. Being into BDSM doesn't mean you don't love or care for your partner.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 08:12:44

Y eririkur - that's it. I felt shocked by myself when that came out. It is not something that is usually in my feelings or relationships, although I have been aware since he wanted to switch that those feelings enables me to be cruel but the level of it shocked me.

Folk girl - that's sort of the point in not NC really.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 08:26:06

Poopoo - I do wonder about that. The last BDSM relationship I had was with my first bf at 16.

I was raped at 17, 19 and 21. It is difficult to separate which way round things are.

I feel as though it is just what I am into. Usually I feel good and it is not about harming anyone, myself or my partner, although it may be about control. Control is what I have issues/anxiety with in other aspects of my life and what the CBT is dealing with.

mcmoonfucker Mon 13-Jan-14 08:26:30

I had similar last year offred. Guy wanted me to "fuck him up" shock
I decided that because I was totally up for it with similar feelings of "yeah you can take one for the boys then twat" that I didn't like, I walked away. I realised I really wanted kind and gentle and that was going down a dangerous road of high adrenaline, high emotion and crazy chaos I just didn't want.
Also it's all fake power anyway, as you found out ��

EirikurNoromaour Mon 13-Jan-14 08:31:09

I'm not a big fan of BDSM as a concept though I appreciate each to their own. I always worry when I read/ hear about abuse survivors into BDSM because it's just so blurred and I don't know how emotionally safe it is. I think you should probably have a think about whether being a dom is right for you.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 08:34:36

BDSM relationships in fact often require a much higher degree of attention, trust, care and respect. And self awareness/boundary setting. I think it's clear that I should not be playing the dom role if we do BDSM at all as I'm not capable of being cruel without trying to access and use those feelings.

I think, although can see how the post comes across in that way, it's not accurate to say that day to day I'm incapable of loving or respecting men and it's not something people who know me would relate to.

Logg1e Mon 13-Jan-14 08:36:28

I feel concerned for your partner, as you describe him as immature and there's also a chance that the relationship could be more serious (and loving) for him. When I was young (i.e. immature) and having my first sexual experiences I can well imagine wanting to please my partner and feel pressured to try things I wouldn't otherwise.
Am I right in guessing that the "treat" for him, was anal sex (with him receiving)?

Secondly, I'm concerned for you. You, like me, are often on here giving advice. I think people might bring this up in future in other threads because they feel it is relevant to the advice you are offering someone seeking advice.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 08:37:44

X post

Yes it is not emotionally safe, I'm aware of that. It has been enjoyable so far, although he's very keen to be entirely submissive, he'll not have a problem if I say I don't want to be dom anymore. He was quite concerned and supportive when I was upset with myself the other day.

Logg1e Mon 13-Jan-14 08:38:06

(I would love to watch the same discussion play out if it the sexes were reversed here).

Logg1e Mon 13-Jan-14 08:41:14

I think you need professional help. I'm not saying that in a dismissive, offensive way. I think there's so much hurt here and potential for further hurt, that these feelings need addressing by someone with real expertise.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 08:46:55

Logg1e it is definitely not me pressurising him, if anything tis very much the other way round as he is naturally extremely sub. I was initially dead set against being dom, have gradually been convinced to try it, been pushed further into it by him being so so keen and excited, sometimes he begs for things, follows me round pestering. The immature bit was concerning me because I think he's not really aware what he's asking me to do and he's not got a good sense of what he'll enjoy and what he won't which is no good if you're sub.

Last time we did this particular thing he enjoyed it, which was why he wanted it again, but that was because I insisted on doing things to work up to it which he resolutely didn't want this time. I suppose that's partly why I feel it is not that I'm incapable of being loving. It is like mcmoonfucker said - he wants to push me which is understandable to a certain extent with a sub.

I don't mind if people bring it up on other threads tbh. Feel perfectly capable of dealing with that.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 08:54:20

He wanted to push it until he found his limit I think. Was happy until he found out how it made me feel.

KissesBreakingWave Mon 13-Jan-14 08:54:24

You've let your sub top from the bottom (as the more immature and therefore bratty ones often do) and push you into a place where you can't safely go. It's a mistake, and from the sounds, one you won't repeat again. I've been there and done that myself; the relationship survived because as with all BDSM there was much communication after and I explained how and why I was triggered by it.

+1 to the suggestion you get some help with the feelings it stirred up.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 08:55:29

Y that makes a lot of sense.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 08:56:27

Tis me who has the problem with it not him. It isn't something I can safely do yes.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 08:57:55

I mean emotionally.

PaulMcGannsMistress Mon 13-Jan-14 09:01:34

Agree wholeheartedly with kisses. If it's something you're not wholly comfortable with, 'tis never going to end well. But I so admire your honesty in coming out with this w/o a NC. BDSM relationships are so misunderstood.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 09:05:08

Kisses - I agree I might need help with the feelings it stirred up but unsure where I might be able to get that?

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