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I think I am the only person in the entire world who does not want sex

(77 Posts)
SadFreak Mon 13-Jan-14 00:51:39

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why cant I just be like everyone else?

The whole world is shagging. Every fucking thing seems to revolve around sex and innuendos and I am like such sad fucking cold fish. A freak.

And now my marriage is fucked up. Why cant I just be normal?

Am sat here in floods of tears wondering where the fuck I go from here.

My options laid out to me this evening are:

1: Attempt a proper marriage with sex

2: We attempt a sexless marriage (done that and its failed - see options below)

3: We live as we are now as friends but DH continues to hook up with randoms he meets on the internet for sex discreetly

4: We seperate

He so say loves me but resents me for the lack of sex.

He has a point, I struggle to do it. I rarely get the urge.

There is a back story. Tonight I found another phone which apparently has his hook ups and sex chat on it. He would not let me see it but finally admitted to it. I discovered similar a few years ago and we tried to work through it but I cant face sex with him as I "know" where he has been and moreless what he has done - seen the details of anal etc in chat. Its the lack of sex thats driven him to do this.

Its all my fault because I am a shit wife. Why can I not be like everyone else in the world and be gagging for sex morning noon and night.

I know all this is my fault. I have been evil and selfish denying him sex and yet expecting him to love me and stay faithful. Although this is a shock I have suspected for a long while and yet I did nothing. I dont understand why I am so shocked and hurt tonight. I am being over dramatic when I dont deserve to be. I have brought this on us.

I fucking hate myself right now. I feel like dissapearring off the face of the earth to some cave where a freak like me can exist all on my own but despite my obvious sexual abnormality I am a mum to 2 beautiful girls who I adore and need me, so there is no escape.

Just sat here shaking, crying and like my head will burst. Sorry if I am waffling, I am not thinking straight.

bumbumsmummy Fri 14-Mar-14 08:17:15

Sounds to me like you don't want sex because your husband is an arsehole

I'd use your lack of desire as a barometer for your relationship

Had you tried counselling ?

Maybe if that doesn't work perhaps coming up with a plan to LTB might just give you your mojo back

Lucylloyd13 Fri 14-Mar-14 08:04:44

Sex drives do vary, some women don't need it, others do. You are not a freak in having a low sex drive, but being married to a man who does need it is asking for trouble.

Sex is a need, but it is also a part of a healthy relationship where you want it with him. I enjoy sex, but want it as an expression of love with my boyfriend.

the right man can make all the difference.

sadwidow28 Fri 14-Mar-14 05:01:09

SF, have you been to your GP? You may need some medical support to help you deal with things. It isn't just the last 2 months, it is all those years previously when he has messed with your head, your self-esteem and, ultimately, your well-being.

Perhaps you would benefit from some anti-depressants as you work towards your new life. Also, ask to be referred for counselling. .

When you talk about 'being paralysed' that is a serious mental state to be in. You really do need external support.

I am glad that you came back to this thread. You will not be ignored - and there are some very wise women who can offer advice.

Take care.

SadFreak Fri 14-Mar-14 00:38:06

Well I am still here. Just about. I am just so overwhelmed with what needs to be done that I have done absolutely nothing.
I am paralysed. Feel suffocated by what lies ahead.
So here we are 2 months on.He is home but both of us doing our own thing . He has hardly been here tbh and when he is he sleeps on the sofa.
I just want someone to come and sort it all out for me. Obviously I know that isn't going to happen but I just cannot cope with facing up to the future.
My head is a mess with random thoughts from years ago cropping up. Not even to do with him or us. Just any old random shit.

SadFreak Wed 12-Feb-14 13:12:02

I know you are all right. I have moments of anger. moments of complete sadness. moments of failiure. Moments of just utter despair.

There is a part of me that is not ready to let go of my old life - they life I thought I had - I am still processing and slowly accepting the life I thought I had did not exist really and that is my stumbling block. I am really struggling to actually accept/believe he has done this although (dont get me wrong) I DO KNOW HE HAS.

I am so utterly exhausted and run down through sleepless nights, brain overload and crying etc that every now and again I feel I am not dtrong enough to face the upheaval of seperation, telling the kids etc.

I do know I have to though - its just tempting (and easy because he is not here at the moment) to not have the mental thought process of the what the fuck do I do and where the fuck do I go.

I have started to work out a plan in my head although it all seems the otherside of a steep mountain.

Uuuurrrrgggghhh. It makes me feel sick. There are loads of women queueing up to shag him. I am no prude really. I am the type of person that thinks if someone (single) wants to do whatever with who ever whenever then thats up to them and I dont judge. But really - the extent of my husbands infidelity is on a huge huge scale that is just shocking. I am also shocked at the amount of people on these websites wanting to hook up for no strings sex. There are loads and loads of married people men and women. I know people had affairs but this shocks me - not that people just hook up for sex but scale of it.

Am obviously very niave.

halfwildlingwoman Wed 12-Feb-14 13:09:51

OP, just here to hand hold for a minute.
You tell your children that you and their dad love them very very much and that won't change, ever. However, you and their dad make each other unhappy and can't live together any more. I promise you that things will get better for them and well as you.
The issue of sex is a non-issue in a way. You are normal to want it/not want it/ only want it once a fortnight/only want it missionary/only after giggling a lot. You may be asexual, you may be a tigress in the future. Whatever. None of that matters. He broke his marriage vows. He prioritised casual sex over talking to his wife, making her feel happy and loved and cherished and supported. He created this situation, not you.
I wish you were my best friend. She has decided to stay with her cheating P. I am longing for the day that she calls me and says she's leaving. I'll be straight up there to pack up her stuff with a bottle of bubbly.
It's going to be OK.

Melonbreath Wed 12-Feb-14 12:39:18

I wouldn't want to have sex with your husband either. Anyone who hooks up like that is a serious turn off.

He's a twat.

I didn't sleep with my husband for over a year after dd was born and he didn't go getting it elsewhere as he didn't want to do it with anyone else because.... I'm his wife and he does it with me or doesn't do it.

HoneyandRum Wed 12-Feb-14 07:47:48

OP all your descriptions of how you are feeling are the effects of shock. You are still in a state of shock and who knows how long it will last, but there will be a time when you can feel and express the emotion that seems so frozen right now. It is a normal reaction to what you are experiencing. I would definitely get more support and help in RL, keeping everything to yourself may make it harder to process.

savemefromrickets Tue 11-Feb-14 22:36:02

I don't have time to read your thread but just want to say that in my experience your sex drive can reappear with a vengeance, god help the poor man when you are with someone who loves you and treats you with respect and doesn't hook up with random women.

I had zero sex drive at the end of my last relationship. Neither did DP in his. Now we'd give teenagers a run for their money.

DCRbye Tue 11-Feb-14 20:22:18

SadFreak, you will get there. Bit by bit day by day.

FadBook Tue 11-Feb-14 05:00:43

You'll start believing soon.

You'll turn a corner a little every day, and before you know it, you'll be that person that got through a divorce.

Hug from me to you at 5am smile

SadFreak Tue 11-Feb-14 04:52:21

Thank you for your support. I know you are right. I just need to grow a backbone and start believing it.

FadBook Tue 11-Feb-14 04:29:28

I have no experience of splitting or divorcing but have read all of the thread and want to offer a hand hold

You are so strong and do not deserve this shit

Your dc's are not blind; they will suspect something is up. I would have both you and 'H' tell them together that you both have grown apart. It's tempting to tell them about infidelity but it's not worth it. They need to know they're both loved and supported.

As for telling family "why" - you don't have to say anything. You could say the minimum - "infidelity, we couldn't come back from it"
You could say all of it - "my husband slept with other people, instead of supporting me and looking at ways to save our marriage"

You can do this Sad, you've done nothing wrong; this man checked out of your marriage 10 years ago when he first cheated. He's getting off lightly because you keep blaming yourself for his actions. He stuck his dick in someone else 10 years ago - you didn't force him, he made that choice. And yes, he had a choice.

catfourfeet Tue 11-Feb-14 03:53:36


I don't have anything to add to the pp but didn't b want to leave you unanswered.

You will get through the presentation, you are stronger , so much stronger than you beliv

SadFreak Tue 11-Feb-14 03:31:34

How the hell am I going to tell people and family why we are splitting?
Wtf do I say to my teen dc?

SadFreak Tue 11-Feb-14 03:28:29

Have hardly seen my husband as he is away with his family due to his father being seriously ill.
I finally told someone in rl today. They were horrified.
I now know because I have finally admitted it to someone else that this is mad. I know we have to seperate. The penny has finally dropped.
I am scared.
My tummy is in knots.
I have this urge to cry. I have had it for the past 3 weeks. The odd tear sneaks out but I feel like I need to bawl andcscream but nothing comes.
I feel shaky and sometimes I can't stop the shakes.
I feel weirdly detached like this isn't really happening.
I want to feel normal again.
I cannot sleep. I am so tired. I have been living on 3 to 4 hours sleep a night for a month now.
I have to give a presentation at college in 6 hours and have not been to sleep yet.
Sorry for waffling on but at 3.25am I have no one else to moan to.

idlevice Sun 19-Jan-14 01:10:18

Yes, sounds like excuses. I don't know how you could forgive or forget him causing you years of misery. But if you think you could possibly stay with him is there a way that could happen? Him renouncing his shit & going to couple counselling? I really don't think it would be advisable, given past & recent events but you have to go forward with something practical eventually.

Please, please change your username. It may seem small & trivial but there is no need to continue to put yourself down in that way. It comes across as self-hatred. In fact, have you considered personal counselling for yourself at all given you seem to have experienced a long period of negativity, having suppressed your own emotions & feelings for quite some time? That could be another practical step for your future.

SadFreak Sun 19-Jan-14 00:49:47

Still going around in circles.

DH is away seeing his father who is sadly coming to the end of his life with incurable cancer. His fathers health has taken a sudden decline this past week and he was called up by his family to go up there.

I am just glad of the space and time to think although there is so much other shit going on as well its not quite as much time as I need or would like but the space is very welcome to me atm.

DH seems to be treating me/acting as normal though and its really starting to fuck me off now.

All last week I was in such a sickened daze I literally was just going through the motions every day and just didnt really pick him up on it too much but Friday took the piss when he as usual disorganised and getting ready to go back up north and (he had been there and then came back and then called to go back) and he was asking me to get him things as if we were a normal married couple. Things like "ooh can you get my razor from the bathroom". No big deal but I am thinking FUCK YOU!! Crazy thing is I just did it hmm.

Today he called me and I was out - Dorothy Perkins fitting room trying on interview clothes. He called about some official banking stuff we needed to sort (he had sorted it) and then started saying "oh enjoy your shopping trip babe blah blah blah" - Just as if we were all OK. Anyway I kind of snapped and silenced the fitting room when I said "Dont treat me like I am out on a jolly old happy trip, my whole fucking world has fallen apart this week. I am not out enjoying myself" I probably would have done worse if I had not been in public.

Anyway I think he finally twigged all is not rosy.

Seriously though so fucking angry at him. angry

So anyway before all that I have done lots of thinking and cleared out the bedroom (he is on the sofa when he is at home at the mo) I was deep cleaning our room - not sure why. Anyway I came across some old diaries of mine. They are not complete. I never manage to keep one running for very long but I found completed entries I had made in 2011,12 and 13. Some of it made pretty disturbing reading. I sound really down in some of the entries. That was an eye opener.

Yesterday I considered packing his shit into bags and booting him out but I bottled it. One minute I want to boot him out and end it then next I recall all out happy times and dont want to be without him. Then add into the mix his Dad is dying. I just dont have it in me (despite what a bastard he has been to me) to end out marriage when his Dad is about to die.

I think I am making excuses not to leave him.

He sent me a text this evening saying believe it or not I do actually Love you.

I cried.

I know all what I have written is waffle. I am just getting it down cos I cant make sense of it in my head.

AngelaDaviesHair Fri 17-Jan-14 18:25:10

Separate. I think you have to really. But please, for heaven's sake don't take the blame.

birthdaywrappingpaper Fri 17-Jan-14 18:20:40

Keep holding on, when it gets this bad you need to chose to laugh or cry or something in between.

Do what you can. And leave the rest. Come on here for support for any individual things, ie post in health re the health issues.

You can't do everything. And if I were you, just leave off the feeling guilty about not supporting your husband with what he is going through. Tough on him!

Just keep ploughing on, it will get better...

Offred Thu 16-Jan-14 09:05:43

I'm sorry so much crap has landed on your plate this week, you're right, next week can only be better. Keep calling your best mate and don't let your h guilt trip you. He doesn't deserve your support given how he has treated you so if you can't give it don't feel bad, focus on getting what you need to sorted out. X

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 16-Jan-14 08:44:08

Stop right there SAD! First, change your MN name. Second read and re-read all of the thread so far. Please do it but the second or third time, imagine it was posted by one of your DDs. This will help you get a more rounded view of the situation that all the other posters on here can see. Get advice, make a plan and get away from this draining ghastly entitled tosser you call a husband. Your post reads that you think it is all your fault but it really is not, HE checked out when you were knackered with HIS kids. You need to get a damn sight angrier than you are. There are ways out of your situation practically, you just need to get the knowledge of how. Staying is not an option for your mental health long term.

LittleBabyPigsus Wed 15-Jan-14 23:38:55

First off, your husband is a shit.

Secondly, lots of people don't want sex. They are asexual. Not saying you are (although you might be, and if you are that is perfectly fine and normal and many asexual people have happy marriages). Even non-asexual people who just have lower than average sex drives are perfectly fine and normal. You are not a shit wife, he is a shit husband.

If you have never wanted sex, have a look on the AVEN website for support for asexuality. If you have a low sex drive, know that you are perfectly normal and no, not everyone else is having sex. Like others have said, you may well find your libido picking up once you're with a decent person!

I have depression and my libido is pretty much nil at the moment. And you know what, that's fine. Even if I wasn't ill, it would still be fine. Not wanting sex is a normal variation of the human sexuality scale.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Wed 15-Jan-14 23:28:00

Um, you might find you want sex again when you're not with a man that has a phone for hook ups.

Of course you're not going to want to have sex with him given the circumstances, what you feel is normal and does not make you a shit wife or any such thing. He is a shit husband though.

SadFreak Wed 15-Jan-14 23:19:06

sad sad Well I hardly have the energy to write it all out but basically in the past 4 days my whole world has imploded
I seem to be stuck in a never ending shitfest and the shit keeps coming. I can't even cry at the moment despite wanting to.
Fil has terminal cancer and taken a turn for the worse. So h has been up north seeing him so no chance to chat and I am left feeling shit for not offering more comfort and support to him.
My dad is in hospital unexpectedly. First time seeing a dr since 1980! Supposed to be having an op tomorrow. I can't get there.
Dd1 is in a bad wsy with bring bullied at school. The bullying by exclusion snd do low key the girls responsible cannot be punished.
My gp has called me in yo talk about a suspicious mole I had picture sent away for.
Car broken down.
Bsnk hsve funked up some pretty important admin.
Am bogged down with paperwork that I sit snd look at snd can't process.
Best mate has not returned my calls.
So all in all I zm having a shit week and feeling utterly flat.
I suppose i must cheek cling onto the fact that next week is probably going to be better cos surely it cannot be as shit as this.

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