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Afraid DH will have an affair as I am so FAT that our sex life is non-existent.

(61 Posts)
FattyBumBumMum Sun 12-Jan-14 13:40:51

I feel fat and ugly. I am currently 6 stone over weight after 5 DC (no excuse for it). I was a size 8 and very attractive when we met but immediately piled on weight as soon as I found out I was pregnant, got bigger afterwards due to PND. I have been 3/4 stone overweight since 1st DC (16 years old) but got much bigger after having DC5 4 years ago.

DH has consistently kept himself slim, has always worked out and is very proud of his physique. Other women have commented on him being good looking and I have had women telling me they wouldn't mind a 'bit' of him to my face shock. My self esteem is so low that I constantly question him as to whether he is doing anything behind my back, check his phone etc, as I cannot believe that he is going this long with so little sex (about once every 6 months) and think he must be getting it elsewhere. Have never had any evidence of it though.

He tells me that he wants me to lose weight as he did not marry me looking like this, he wants more sex and he wants me to be fit and feel good about myself. Well so do I and I know he's right but I just can't seem to stick to anything! He will never refuse sex but no longer instigates it and it is quick with me hating myself the whole way through. I can imagine that I would be very pissed off if he had put on as much weight as me. I find myself feeling breathless and very uncomfortable most of time, well basically I feel like utter shit!

I seem to be just waiting for him to leave me or to find out he has had an affair. Why can't I change this? I am stumped.

flamby Wed 15-Jan-14 16:20:48

Can you switch to having some vegetarian meals as a family? Maybe twice or three times per week? It is a lot to cook two dinners every night, and easy to fall into the pattern of eating what everyone else eats, minus the meat (hence all the carbs). Or can they have a vegetarian meal but add some sliced ham/chicken from the deli counter if they really need meat?

What other things do you like to eat? I am not vegetarian but I do try and have some meat-free days each week (to save money and stay healthy, mostly). I don't like Quorn so if I tried to eat that, I'd feel I was denying myself but I do love Middle Eastern food. I make a few salads in tupperwares (e.g. tabbouleh, aubergine and tahini salad, chickpea with a lemon/parsley dressing) and to me they are so delicious that I don't feel like I am missing out at all. I can raid the fridge and it feels like a treat. I bought my DH a book of Chinese vegetarian recipes and he now makes the most amazing steamed bok choi (sounds ridiculous but it is so good!). Now the meat-free days are great and I love them!

I think what I am trying to say is to try not to see a diet as a punishment - your body has done amazing things for you (create 5 kids!) and you do deserve nice flavours and good food, not just the non-meat bits of a meat meal that you have made for everyone else. Is there any way of finding things you do like that also happen to be healthy and building a diet around them? How about exploring some different kinds of restaurants on date nights with your DH to get ideas about what you can make at home and the flavours you like?

LEMmingaround Tue 14-Jan-14 17:22:27

maybe her DH is the cause of her low self esteem! HOW do they show concern for her welbeing? My DP tells me to lose weight - because im not a healthy weight, for that reason and that reason only , well he doesn't tell me, but says i should, we both should actually - but this man says things like "you weren't like this when we met" err, no, she has had 5 children so she is hardly going to slip back into her pre-children jeans is she! I agree she should lose weight, but he needs to buck the fuck up or fuck off.

meditrina Mon 13-Jan-14 19:16:24

LEM they'be been married for decades, have 5 children, and it's only in the last 4 years that he has made any of the comments mentioned by OP. And they show concern for her well being as much (or more) than concern for restoring their dwindling sex life. So, yes he might have changed character into total arse recently in this case it sounds as if there is far more going on.

OP is also reporting depression (probably triggered by events unconnected to the marriage) and self-esteem issues, this might be the time to to support her to a better position, rather than blaming her DH now.

LEMmingaround Mon 13-Jan-14 19:08:55

Ok is this 1959?

differentnameforthis Mon 13-Jan-14 09:35:01

Your husband has told you he dislikes your weight gain. He's stopped instigating sex and when you do have it, you say it's "quick" and you hate yourself all the way through it To all those who are saying he sounds supportive/reasonable, OK etc, my dh would notice if I wasn't enjoying sex, and would stop. That is supportive/reasonable & MORE than OK.

He wants more sex, but won't have sex with op because she is 'fat' (hate that word) and he didn't marry you at this size. I bet you didn't marry him at this level of dick-head either, did you?

Why can't I change this. Because his criticism has made your self esteem tank!

CityTiliDie Mon 13-Jan-14 06:54:04

The Vegetarian issue is nothing to do with it. Your will power or total lack of it is the problem.
I am a vegan and lost 2st on the 5:2 diet last year.
You can do it you just have to really want to.
If you cant ditch the toast the only eat wholemeal/granary bread its slightly better for you and will fill you up quicker but most regular size slices of bread have over 100 cal in them before you add butter jam etc. Grab an apple or banana instead.
Forget the gym, go for a 'power' walk, gentle jog its much cheaper and better for you mentally.
You need to do it for yourself, your own long term physical health is being badly affected by your weight as well as your mental health and your relationship.
If you want to live long enough to see your kids have kids then you can do this.
Good luck

FaiLee22 Mon 13-Jan-14 06:46:20

Have you spoken to your dr about losing the weight? Also sounds like you may have a small bout of depression. I'm in the same boat and my drs have been amazing. They have given me 12 weeks free membership to a local slimming world group and in 9 weeks I've lost a stone.

I know it's hard but if your dr is good they shouldn't judge you.

Tonandfeather Mon 13-Jan-14 01:39:14

Your husband has told you he dislikes your weight gain. He's stopped instigating sex and when you do have it, you say it's "quick" and you hate yourself all the way through it.

It sounds to me that he's using your body as a release when he has sex with you and doesn't care that you're not enjoying it.

When did you last have an orgasm during sex with him?

When did he last care that you did?

AllThreeWays Mon 13-Jan-14 00:37:41

Go to the GP and have a blood test for iron and vitamin D. Your diet sounds unbalanced and could explain you feelings of worthlessness and sluggishness. Carbs provide energy but it is protein that builds and heals,, if you don't have enough protein you cannot build muscle and you feel weak, so the carbs will just get stored as fat. A vicious cycle.
Go for proteins, low GI carbs and an iron supplement and I be you will feel well enough to start exercise and will feel happier

filingdrivesmemad Mon 13-Jan-14 00:16:57

I recommend slimming world, it educates you about food, even if you think you already know it all, and there are loads of vegetarian recipes with the correct proportions of protein, carb etc all worked out for you. You will meet lots of others in the same boat, and get lots of support.
What is working for me - slowly ! (and you do have to learn patience with yourself too) is:
-not letting unhealthy things into the house - just don't buy them, your whole family will be better off without too, I mean sweets, full fat cheese, crisps, full fat yogurt, even low fat yogurt because it is moreish, and don't bulk buy or if you do, then freeze the stuff so its not lying around ready to eat whenever you have the urge - this would work for the bread - eat before you shop, then its easy to resist putting these things in the trolley, then when you want to/have to eat late at night or whenever, you can only fulfill that urge to crunch, by eating whatever is to hand - grapes, satsumas, cherry tomatoes, 0%fat yogurt, etc, and limited, if any, damage is done!
- drink at least one glass of water before you eat
- go out for a walk to de-stress each day, instead of using food to comfort eat, walking with an ipod really does help unwind me
what about putting your dance cds on to an ipod for walking, and also play them when you are doing the housework or cooking, it'll take your mind off food and you'll remember how sexy you used to feel and still can do inside

FattyNewYear Mon 13-Jan-14 00:09:12

If you want to loose weight then do it for you. You sound like me back in 2004. I joined SlimmingWorld in Januray 2004 because a friend begged me to go as she was setting up the class and was petrified no one would go. I went reluctantly. By Xmas the same year I was 5 stone and 8lbs lighter, a size 14 (from a size 24) and happier person.

SlimmingWorld do a Green plan which sounds like it may suit you.

Its the carb plan. In very simple terms you can eat "unlimited" pasta, rice and potato as long as its not cooked or fried in oil, fats and sauces. Any sauces can be made from scratch but most are quick and easy. Stuff like tinned beans and even spaghetti are classed as free food too, so no weighing and measuring. Also quick fixes like some pasta n sauces and savoury rices are free as well.

I cannot tell you all the ins and outs here but it may be worth phoning a local SW consultant, explain your vegetarian and ask about the Green Plan (red is proteins usually meat and fish and they push the Extra Easy plan which is combining the 2). I lost all my weight by doing mainly red and green plans.

It may not suit you and thats fine but just putting a little bit of info out there for you to ponder on.

I hope you find a way to make yourself happier and boost your self esteem.

GarlicReturns Sun 12-Jan-14 23:51:38

YY, Panna, I was thinking about dancing with the DC! If you have a wii fit, xbox or whatever you Young People play these days you can do dance challenges, tennis and yoga with them, too.

GarlicReturns Sun 12-Jan-14 23:49:07

he is being an arse and dressing it up as concern - Agreed.

FBB, being hungry a lot is what's making you fat. Have you tried snacking more often? Keep stuff that you like to eat nearby - make them whole & healthy snacks, not processed, but don't worry about the calorie value. You want to keep your digestion going, and your brain feeling confident there is enough food.

I'm a definite omnivore but, due to being painfully poor, have to eat a lot of pulses to top up my protein intake. Unfortunately beans bloat me to buggery - they also make me feel vaguely unwell. I have an underactive thyroid; beans & lentils, etc, are goitrogenic so this may well be why I feel so much worse in extra-poor months. I'm not sure whether there are many other good vegetarian options (soy is also goitrogenic, being a bean,) so I see this as a potentially big issue for overweight & sluggish vegetarian women.

Would you eat meat, or fish?

I disagree with those saying bin the toast. Wholemeal toast with, say, Marmite and tomatoes - or just tomatoes - is a great source of vitamin B, plus protein and Vitamin E from the bread. It's also filling and makes your digestion do some work smile

As a dancer, how about doing Zumba? It should be a lot of fun for you! You might also sign up for some belly-dancing and Pilates - both fabulous for core strength & sexiness. No need to do things the way H says, play to your strengths! I used to dance like crazy, too, and really enjoy all the above. When I was fit I did kick-boxing, too. Dancers have the balance for it.

DownstairsMixUp Sun 12-Jan-14 23:43:52

Try the 5:2, it worked ok for me to lose a few lbs but it wasn't sustainable. I found swapping things were easier. I won't give up bread, I love it, but I was being a pig with it. I'd have a bread product for breakkie (like a muffin, all carby) then a sandwich for lunch. I switched to having toast for breakfast with natural yoghurt or granola with natural yoghurt. Lunch would be two ryvita with fruit and a small slice of cheese or vice versa. On a saturday I'd treat myself to a bacon sandwich. Swap sugar for sweetner in coffee, if your a coffee addict like me, that cuts a ton of cals on it's own.

How are you with sweets? I'm mostly savoury but get the odd pangs for something sweet so stopped keeping crap in the house and replaced it with more fruit or weight watcher pud's. Skinny cow ice cream is pretty nice to and a good fix for a sweet fix.

Swap cheese for half fat stuff, not much taste difference. Change full fat butter for half fat/low fat. Use spray oil instead of olive oil. Replace white pasta with wholewheat, fills you up as much, not that icky bloated but ravenous feeling a while later like you do with white pasta.

Cut out the jar stuff! I used to always use ragu for spag bol (a popular dish in this house) now i just use tomatoes, a stock cube, a sprinkle of salt, onion, a splash of red wine and a bit of gravy to thicken it with some tomato puree, yum and not packed full of hidden sugar! It comes up so many calories less to making your own sauce. (I know you don't eat meat but same thing applies, the jar stuff always has a ton of shite in there)

Don't think "I can't have this" just replace it with lower calorie options. I'm a crisp fiend so I just changed my usuals (flame grilled steak mccoys or cheese and onion walkers) for velvet crunch and snack a jacks.

Good luck OP!

(ps bike riding with the kids, long walks in the woods/beach, jillian michaels dvds are good to)

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 23:34:13

What size are you op? My dp says I should loose weight. So should he. The difference being is because despite me weighing almost double what I weighed when we met, he still wants lots of sex and makes feel sexy and attractive. You have to want this for yoursrlf. Not to make someone want you. Love should not come with conditions

wiltingfast Sun 12-Jan-14 23:32:02

Start with one small change. Just one thing. And see how you go from there.

Pannacotta Sun 12-Jan-14 23:30:35

Dancing with your DCs would be a great way to start, perhaps the gym is a bit too much if you are feeling self conscious.
It is also good exercise for them when it is hard to get outside and run around (ie when its cold/dark/wet etc).

wiltingfast Sun 12-Jan-14 23:26:44

It does sound to me like your dh is putting you under pressure about it. I gained a stone and a half after 2 dc and they were 4 and 2 before I found the head space and energy to focus on myself and do something about it. I cannot imagine how long it might take to surface after 5!

The thing is, it is just about organising yourself so you can make good choices. You are talking to another toast junkie here, it is delicious but the devil's food! But my dh never mentioned it and seemed to want sex just as much etc. I think it is more difficult to start if you feel someone is watching.

I joined ww and then made the space to organise myself in a way that included limited treats. I also built in a 40m walk 5 days a week. That is just in and out to work btw. No way was I motivated to join a bloody gym.

Once you start to see a change, it becomes easier.

Hth op, good luck.

Sleepwhenidie Sun 12-Jan-14 23:25:56

I would say yes, to begin with Morris. I'm not a bread hater by any stretch, but OP sounds over dependent on it, I think if she did just 2-3 days of alternatives she would feel quite different, probably much better, this would hopefully motivate her to make more healthy changes.

MorrisZapp Sun 12-Jan-14 23:22:54

Bread haters, are we including wholesale/ granary types too?

MorrisZapp Sun 12-Jan-14 23:21:20

Bread haters, are we including wholesale/ granary types too?

FunnysInLaJardin Sun 12-Jan-14 23:12:02

actually for all those saying the DH sounds OK, if my DH says he would like me to lose weight as 'he did not marry me looking this way', he would know instantly how far to shove it.

That OP is rubbish and he is being an arse and dressing it up as concern. I have been anything from 9 to 15 stone and my DH would never be so crass as to comment on it. That would be up to me.

Do what you want to do to make yourself feel happier, not what your DH thinks you should do!

Sleepwhenidie Sun 12-Jan-14 23:02:58

And btw I think your DH sounds reasonable and supportive too.

Sleepwhenidie Sun 12-Jan-14 23:02:12

I agree with starting by making small changes that you can stick with. 5:2 sounds over ambitious right now and isn't for everyone anyway. Tomorrow bin the bread and dance for ten minutes at least once in the day (doesn't have to be DVD, just stick some music on, with the dc's is fine). Report back tomorrow evening!

neolara Sun 12-Jan-14 22:47:55

I also suggest binning the bread. I stopped eating bread as an experiment a couple of months ago. I found that I ended up eating much more healthily (lots of couscous and roasted veg), but also I stopped having massive food cravings 3 hours after eating. When I ate veg instead of bread, I didn't get the whole sugar high / sugar low thing so I stayed feeling fuller for longer. I also stopped feeling bloated and getting tummy pains. Bread never filled me up and when I ate it, I used to put loads of butter and cheese on it which wasn't particularly healthy.

I did 5 /2 for one day. I felt starved and deprived one day and ate like a maniac the next. I gave up on day 2.

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