I am a lurker and wish to get your advice for my close friend who doesn't use MN. I worry for her leaving her DH for another man. They have been together for 16 years. He was her first and only love. They have 2 children. She met someone else when going through what I think was a mini mid life crisis / grass is greener crisis and separated around same time. Partly because her DH and her both work full time never longer had time for each - the usual and partly because she had never had sex with anyone else before and I know this recently became an 'is this it?' Issue. Anyway. She met a man and has 'fallen in love with him' as he is so 'manly' compared to stbxh. But I get weekly calls of break ups (they get back together when she calls and repents for her sins) with new man due to weird behaviour: he flies off the handle if she doesn't pick up phone (she says he thinks she is with stbxh so has a right to get angry). He took her shopping and shouted and told her to F-off when she decided against some trousers he wanted to buy for her - she said they were hideous and two sizes too small so didn't try them on cos she could see it would be embarrassing - he says she was rude not to try them on and called her an effing weirdo then ranted on about ex girlfriends that were 'just like her' (she said he had girlfriends in the past who made it clear he wasn't sophisticated enough to choose clothes for them); he calls ex girlfriends slags and bitches when he talks about them. she says nothing and told me she feels guilty cos he has to put up with a lot being with someone who is still officially married so it's a lot if pressure in him....she says this a lot. His mother abandoned him and he grew up in care and I have suggested he may have issues with women. He also makes her paranoid about her weight mentioning food she eats (he is 14 years older than her and she is really attractive). There are several other examples. I think I am wondering if I am worrying for nothing. I am biased in that I think her stbxh is fantastic and most people do. He works hard looks after kids never tried to control her (although she says that's why she lost interest because he didn't show any) and always supported her and adored her (fat or thin). He wants to make a go of things again and this may be her last chance. She told me she would have if not for this man in her life. But I worry this may be a ticking timebomb of controlling behaviours and not only will she have lost out on rekindling marriage but now be in relationship from hell. Thanks for reading (BTW I intend to show her this at some point)
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Are these red flags even in unusual circumstances
yentil · 12/01/2014 11:20
Speaking as someone who threw away my marriage because of a ml crisis / breakdown whatever you call it.. (Don't remember too much about that time, I was completely numb & not in the right frame of mind ) .. The grass is not greener on the other side. I didn't have an affair but got into a relationship very quickly.. Laid my heart on the line & he broke it as have a few others since!!
During the breakdown of my marriage.. I pushed my exh away, I think I was convinced it was him I needed to escape but in hindsight it was just things going on in my life.. I should have stuck to him like glue to get through it... We had lots of support for our situation (child with life limited condition) but nobody ever said "& how are you as a couple" tbh I never really thought about it I just ended the marriage.
I was in a very fragile mental state & needed help not to leave my stable, strong (maybe a little boring) but reliable husband ... I always urge people who say he's a good man but the sparks gone to try harder because life on your own I'd hard. To live with the guilt of splitting up my family is hard... My mental health is still fragile... My life is quite shit tbh.. I'm thankful exh has gotten over the break up & moved on & now happy.. I'm still working at finding peace let alone anything else.
Your friends new partner sounds like a bully & she is very vulnerable.. If she totally believes her marriage is over then she should have time on her own before getting into another relationship she may realise that exh wasn't that bad after all
Sorry OP & I don't mean to hijack your thread.
But rainbowfeet remember that in a breakup there comes a time when all the bad stuff is glossed over & you get nostalgic for the good times. (Its a bit like childbirth, you forget just how painful it is & remember the good parts.) There were good & valid reasons why you left him & all the guilt should not be at your door. You did not break up the family, you made the best decision you could with the facts available to you at the time, which is the best any of us can do. Be kind to yourself sweetheart, & let the past go 
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