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Relationships

I'm so upset and low, Please give me some advice, DH said he's done nothing wrong and it's my fault.

309 replies

prettyhackedoff · 11/01/2014 22:10

Name changed for this. I don't really feel that 'DH' is especially 'D' at the moment.
Apologies that it is long, don't want to drip feed.
We have been together 23 years, married 16 and have 2 kids under 12.
Over the last few months DH has become increasingly critical of me, irritable, short tempered, quick to have an argument about the smallest things. He would also have a go at me about the state of the house, how untidy it is, how unclean it is and how 'he can't live like that any more' (which I took to mean the state of the house). Fair enough, the house has got very cluttered. I work long hours too, I've been getting up at 6 and leaving the house before everyone is awake, then driving almost an hour before getting to work and then putting in a 7 or 12 hour shift in a very stressful job. I find it really hard to have the energy after work, then taking kids to activities, cooking tea, organising everything, etc, doing my CPD in the evenings on line when the kids are finally in bed, to then clean and tidy very much.
DH does no no housework or cleaning.
As the months went by his behaviour got worse, I looked back and realised that the timing coincided with him taking on a new additional management role at work. Since October he had been staying later in the evenings at work (telling me it was because of work). He also seemed more irritable and distracted. I also noticed he was glued to his mobile phone, taking it to the loo, whenever I picked it up, he would snatch it off me, if anyone rang or texted him he'd be jumpy. Naturally I became very suspicious and, asked him on multiple occasions what he was hiding, if something was wrong etc. He would then get very angry, tell me how horrible I was to be suspicious, how terrible it was that I didn't trust him.
He had a week's annual leave with me and the kids at October half term, and he became very irritable, moaning about how 'horrible I was to him, what a mess the house was', etc, and causing arguments.
This happened again during a week's leave he took in December.
The Christmas holidays have been unbearable. My work contract finished just before Christmas and I am now unemployed, and was lucky enough to spend 2 weeks with the kids. DH was dreadful, moaning, irritable, starting arguments and swearing at me. One day the kids and I had a lazy day at home . I had severe sciatica, (he knew this, as we had discussed how much pain I was in). He came home from work late and had a go at me, starting a row about me 'being too lazy to even load the dishwasher'. I had been in so much pain I had spent most of the day in bed or lying on the sofa.
Today I looked at his mobile phone bill for the last month (which is sent to our joint email account, haven't seen any other recent ones) and noticed that he had sent 150 text messages to one number, and multiple phone calls a day to same number. Even phone calls and texts when he was on annual leave. He send text messages to half a dozen other numbers, including mine, and these were in single fingers.
I got hold of his phone, typed up the number, and the name of a female work colleague came up. I went through his phone and there isn't a single message on there to her or from her to be seen.
I confronted him and he said he deleted all the messages because he 'knew I'd be upset if I saw how often he had contacted her' but he had nothing to hide, he hasn't had an affair, she's just a work colleague who he's developed a 'close supportive work relationship' with, and she's only a 'friend' and he's entitled to have a 'friend'. Apparently I 'act like I hate him' (?? ) and again he said it was 'making him stressed that the housework wasn't been done' , that's my fault apparently as 'he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.'
We have had a massive row about this. He is adamant he has done nothing wrong, and he 'only deleted the messages because he knew how upset I would be if I saw them' and 'he has not done anything wrong with her'. He only contacted her this frequently' to discuss work'He 'hasn't had sex with her so it can't be an affair' (I asked directly), and that no other man's wife would be bothered or upset by any of this.
He has also become bothered about his weight and appearance excessively in recent months and has lost 1.5 stones.
Interestingly, recently whenever I had voiced my suspicions to him and asked why he was so stressed etc, what was it with him being glued to the phone, etc he told me I was nasty, paranoid, and 'it was all in my head'.
My self esteem has disappeared over the last few months and I have felt unattractive, and unloved. I feel so dreadful tonight.
He is minimising it and I feel he is not being fully honest with me. Again, he has just said he has done nothing wrong and he's sure amongst his work colleagues 'that other people are texting each other that often to talk about work' and that i'm overreacting.
I would be so grateful for an outsider's opinion on this. Am I overreacting ?
Sorry this is so long, thank you for reading this and bearing with me.

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ITCouldBeWorse · 11/01/2014 22:14

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nkf · 11/01/2014 22:15

You know don't you? I think you actually know what's going on.