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I'm so upset and low, Please give me some advice, DH said he's done nothing wrong and it's my fault.

(310 Posts)
prettyhackedoff Sat 11-Jan-14 22:10:04

Name changed for this. I don't really feel that 'DH' is especially 'D' at the moment.
Apologies that it is long, don't want to drip feed.
We have been together 23 years, married 16 and have 2 kids under 12.
Over the last few months DH has become increasingly critical of me, irritable, short tempered, quick to have an argument about the smallest things. He would also have a go at me about the state of the house, how untidy it is, how unclean it is and how 'he can't live like that any more' (which I took to mean the state of the house). Fair enough, the house has got very cluttered. I work long hours too, I've been getting up at 6 and leaving the house before everyone is awake, then driving almost an hour before getting to work and then putting in a 7 or 12 hour shift in a very stressful job. I find it really hard to have the energy after work, then taking kids to activities, cooking tea, organising everything, etc, doing my CPD in the evenings on line when the kids are finally in bed, to then clean and tidy very much.
DH does no no housework or cleaning.
As the months went by his behaviour got worse, I looked back and realised that the timing coincided with him taking on a new additional management role at work. Since October he had been staying later in the evenings at work (telling me it was because of work). He also seemed more irritable and distracted. I also noticed he was glued to his mobile phone, taking it to the loo, whenever I picked it up, he would snatch it off me, if anyone rang or texted him he'd be jumpy. Naturally I became very suspicious and, asked him on multiple occasions what he was hiding, if something was wrong etc. He would then get very angry, tell me how horrible I was to be suspicious, how terrible it was that I didn't trust him.
He had a week's annual leave with me and the kids at October half term, and he became very irritable, moaning about how 'horrible I was to him, what a mess the house was', etc, and causing arguments.
This happened again during a week's leave he took in December.
The Christmas holidays have been unbearable. My work contract finished just before Christmas and I am now unemployed, and was lucky enough to spend 2 weeks with the kids. DH was dreadful, moaning, irritable, starting arguments and swearing at me. One day the kids and I had a lazy day at home . I had severe sciatica, (he knew this, as we had discussed how much pain I was in). He came home from work late and had a go at me, starting a row about me 'being too lazy to even load the dishwasher'. I had been in so much pain I had spent most of the day in bed or lying on the sofa.
Today I looked at his mobile phone bill for the last month (which is sent to our joint email account, haven't seen any other recent ones) and noticed that he had sent 150 text messages to one number, and multiple phone calls a day to same number. Even phone calls and texts when he was on annual leave. He send text messages to half a dozen other numbers, including mine, and these were in single fingers.
I got hold of his phone, typed up the number, and the name of a female work colleague came up. I went through his phone and there isn't a single message on there to her or from her to be seen.
I confronted him and he said he deleted all the messages because he 'knew I'd be upset if I saw how often he had contacted her' but he had nothing to hide, he hasn't had an affair, she's just a work colleague who he's developed a 'close supportive work relationship' with, and she's only a 'friend' and he's entitled to have a 'friend'. Apparently I 'act like I hate him' (?? ) and again he said it was 'making him stressed that the housework wasn't been done' , that's my fault apparently as 'he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.'
We have had a massive row about this. He is adamant he has done nothing wrong, and he 'only deleted the messages because he knew how upset I would be if I saw them' and 'he has not done anything wrong with her'. He only contacted her this frequently' to discuss work'He 'hasn't had sex with her so it can't be an affair' (I asked directly), and that no other man's wife would be bothered or upset by any of this.
He has also become bothered about his weight and appearance excessively in recent months and has lost 1.5 stones.
Interestingly, recently whenever I had voiced my suspicions to him and asked why he was so stressed etc, what was it with him being glued to the phone, etc he told me I was nasty, paranoid, and 'it was all in my head'.
My self esteem has disappeared over the last few months and I have felt unattractive, and unloved. I feel so dreadful tonight.
He is minimising it and I feel he is not being fully honest with me. Again, he has just said he has done nothing wrong and he's sure amongst his work colleagues 'that other people are texting each other that often to talk about work' and that i'm overreacting.
I would be so grateful for an outsider's opinion on this. Am I overreacting ?
Sorry this is so long, thank you for reading this and bearing with me.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 11-Jan-14 22:14:00


He is a selfish liar. He is deceiving you and possibly kidding himself too.

nkf Sat 11-Jan-14 22:15:17

You know don't you? I think you actually know what's going on.

Hissy Sat 11-Jan-14 22:15:23

Sweety, you are so not overacting.

You know he's minimising this. Most other wives'd be ripping their H a new one.

Others will come to help you more than I can, but I just wanted you to know you're not wrong, and you're not alone

TalkativeJim Sat 11-Jan-14 22:15:52

Nope, he's having an affair.

Utterly classic, ticks all the boxes behaviour.

He will have had sex with her.

I am very sorry.

Do you still want to be with him? He doesn't sound very nice (although the recent nastiness will be because of the affair: classic 'demonising' you in order to give himself permission to do it).

Fairylea Sat 11-Jan-14 22:19:21

He's a horrible abusive arse.

Kick him out. One less person to have to clean up after when you feel poorly.

Why isn't he doing anything when you were both working full time?! What a fucking liberty.

And I bet he's snagged this other woman.

I'm sorry I'm being blunt but I'm so angry for you. You deserve someone loving you and supporting you.

Fairylea Sat 11-Jan-14 22:19:49

Shagged not snagged!

GoingToBedfordshire Sat 11-Jan-14 22:21:06

No, you are definitely not overreacting.

Regardless of what has or has not happened with this colleague, he takes no part in keeping the house clean - unacceptable. He doesn't show concern when you are in pain with sciatica. He moans a lot and insults you and calls you names.

What positive qualities does he have? In what way is your relationship a partnership? From your post, you run yourself into the ground with work and the children whilst he comes home and criticises what you haven't managed to do.

So sorry that you are being treated like this - do you have a good friend or family member in real life to offload on a bit?

You deserve better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 22:22:52

Even if he's not having an affair, the man you're describing is very lazy and unpleasant. If he is having an affair, it just makes him even more unpleasant. No, you're not overreacting... I'm just surprised that you haven't reacted to the crappy life he's giving you sooner.

ToniViolin Sat 11-Jan-14 22:24:03

You aren't overreacting.

FolkGirl Sat 11-Jan-14 22:28:10

It looks like an affair to me.

It's very similar to what my exH did.

But if it's not, then it's still not great, is it?

Mellowandfruitful Sat 11-Jan-14 22:29:41

This "no other man's wife would be bothered or upset by any of this" is absolute rubbish. I would, and plenty of others would, and we would all be thinking what you're thinking - and as the other posters have said, he is up to something. Sorry. He has let you down big time, nor the other way around.

You could ask him why, if you are so lazy, horrible etc, why is he still here? I suspect he hasn't quite got his ducks in a row elsewhere. Don't feel pressured or that you have to rush into anything, but a) you are not out of line in your thinking here at all, and b) you would be perfectly justified in saying to him that you are fed up of being the bad guy, that he clearly doesn't want to be there, and that he has been so unpleasant to live with that now you don't want him there. See how he likes them apples.

rabbitlady Sat 11-Jan-14 22:30:15

trust your own judgement. you know what's going on. is it acceptable to you? what are you going to do next?
i'd suggest you go into ice-cold mode, say little, and as soon as he's out of the house get together all the evidence you can of his income and expenditure to support your maintenance claim. get all legal documents and photographs. put them away from him in a safe place.
then weigh up your circumstances and decide if he's leaving or you are, or if you are willing to try again with him.

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sat 11-Jan-14 22:30:59

Sounds just like my ex. I found out he was having an affair with someone at his work. Lying cheating bastard.

nkf Sat 11-Jan-14 22:32:05

Second advice about getting documents ready and having a possible plan. Sorry to hear it. It's grim. You might not be ready to believe it yet.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sat 11-Jan-14 22:33:38

He's having an affair. You know that, dont you? Deep down.

Oh. And. You both work outside the home and housework is your job? Fuck that. Who the hell does he think he is.

prettyhackedoff Sat 11-Jan-14 22:33:47

Thank you everyone for your replies. So grateful for the support.
Feel I can't tell anyone in real life at the moment .
We are now discussing further ( well we are arguing and he's telling me he's done nothing wrong)
It's good to Know that I'm not going mad or being unreasonable.
I will post later.

SiliconeSally Sat 11-Jan-14 22:35:27

The fact that he contributes nothing to the household duties and yet complains and expects you to do it while working full time is wholly unacceptable, abusive, self centred entitled and sexist.

Really sorry, OP, your heart must be sinking. But if you can find it in yourself to kick him out you will be doing yourself a favour.

I work intensely with colleagues which means we exchange a professional e mail at the weekend if something crops up, and possibly have a short text exchange if something worth celebrating or urgent crisis management occurs. In which case I inevitably mention it to DH, as in 'oh bloody hell, this or that has happened'. And amongst work mates, we don't text all day long, we are not teenagers!

He is messing with your head and trying to make you not believe yourself and to accept blame. Do yourself a favour and respect your own intelligence and instincts.

Painful as it is.

But better to be strong in the light of truth.

Good luck, OP.

estarone Sat 11-Jan-14 22:38:42


i am so sorry to hear of your pain. you are not over reacting. he is acting in a disrespectful manner, and your feelings should be heard and are important. it is not ok that he is finding support outside your marriage. he should be confiding in you and not a stranger. it is great to have friends, but only when you wife is 100% secure.

i am sorry that you are in pain. firstly. make a rota that includes all the family. there are 2 adults and children in the house that all should take care of their own dishes. do this for tomorrow. just ask your husband to do one chore. it is symbolic.

finally ask your husband not to delete the texts but to leave them there from now on. if they are innocent, then there is no problem, right?

NatashaBee Sat 11-Jan-14 22:38:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SiliconeSally Sat 11-Jan-14 22:41:53

OP, no point keep arguing the toss with him.

Draw yourself up to a dignified height and say 'well, look, it is a bit of a red herring arguing about your texts. You have made it very clear how unhappy you are in the household, you certainly aren't making me happy with your lazy complaining ways , so I would like you to leave'.

You don't need him to admit the truth in order to kick him out.

It might teach him a lesson, and a few weeks away sharpen his mind on what he is losing. Or at the very least save you the indignity of living with someone who is insulting your intelligence, lying to you and undermining your self esteem.

DixieGoesToHollywood Sat 11-Jan-14 22:46:34

I think you know deep down he's having an affair.

Even if you have no evidence, gut feeling and the fact he has been treating you like shit gives you every reason you need to LTB. It's classic denying, minimising behaviour from a man who's had an affair. I'd put money on him having shagged her. I'm so sorry OP thanks.

desperatelyseekingsolace Sat 11-Jan-14 22:51:11

What Cogito said: frankly even if he definitely wasn't having an affair -- and it sounds like he is -- he. Is an entitled and disrespectful arse. I would LTB purely on the basis of how he treats you at home.

clam Sat 11-Jan-14 22:53:01

He can say he's done nothing wrong until he's blue in the face, but he's not the one to judge, is he? It's your opinion that counts on this one; he's crossed your line and you're not prepared to tolerate his vile behaviour any longer.

Why on earth are you accepting him doing nothing around the house but yet complaining about it? "He doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it?" But it's OK for you to?


chateauferret Sat 11-Jan-14 22:57:20

"No other man's wife would be bothered"? Bollocks. She would kick his arse out at once.

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