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Tell me about emotional affairs...

(142 Posts)
Livingthedaydream Sat 11-Jan-14 18:10:17

Regular but NC'd.

Why do they start?
Where do they go?
How do they end?

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 11:44:06

It's probably hard to "buck up" when you are a faintly (or very) neglected partner.

You need to choose what you are going to do.

If you continue to put your emotional energy into your affair, then things are extremely unlikey to improve at home.

This begins and ends with you. Are you going to give your marriage another go, are you going to end it, or are you going to persist with half a life?

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 11:45:40

yes, please tell me just how bad it really is. It might shock me in to just stopping this.
But would those of you who's partners had an EA think you would still be together now? Was it the EA that ended it or was it on it's way to ending anyway and finding out about the EA just hurried it up?

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 11:48:31

Just to be clear, I am not married. The OM is married.

I do not neglect him though! I chat and chat and chat to him, we cuddle and kiss but he doesnt have anything to say to me. I feel like there's pressure on my to keep the relationship at a level where we are still excited by each other but he doesnt give me much mental stimulation back.

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 11:49:41

You've already been told how bad it is several times on this thread.

It's your decision whether or not you heed those messages.

CocoBandicoot Sun 12-Jan-14 11:51:44

But would those of you who's partners had an EA think you would still be together now? Was it the EA that ended it or was it on it's way to ending anyway and finding out about the EA just hurried it up?

I've never been in the situation myself, but even for those who have - the answer is irrelevant - everyone's relationship is different. You're trying to find a way to justify this - you're hoping to be told that his marriage will be over with or without your involvement.

Fairenuff Sun 12-Jan-14 11:51:46

No, OP, you don't love your partner. If you did you wouldn't treat him like this. You really wouldn't.

You don't even seem to particularly like him just the way he is.

Yes, he might be too immature for you but then why be with him? All you want to do is change him.

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 11:53:26

I think this: He will sleep with you until a) you bore him b) someone better comes along or c) he is found out and goes grovelling back to his wife. None of these outcomes will be good for you. End it with him, he is married. End your own relationship, you don't love or respect your partner.Work on being on your own for a bit, build up your self esteem so that you don't fall for this crap again. is what i need to keep reading. It is so right.
Ugh god, i am a silly girl

Mrscaindingle Sun 12-Jan-14 12:05:15

It doesn't matter whether it's an emotional affair or a sexual one it's the same, you are having an affair with someone outside of your relationship.

You don't need people to tell you that is wrong and that people will get hurt and if you both have children it has even greater potential for devastating everyone's lives.

I've spent enough time listening to my ex justifying his behaviour, this is not what I come on MN for. I'm done here.

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 12:10:32

Big statements about how damaging your behaviour can be or how badly you feel aren't going to make any real difference.

What matters is what you choose and whether you then implement that choice.

InTheRedCorner Sun 12-Jan-14 12:10:38

Why don't you click on the relationships section and have a read of the many, many heartbreaking threads posted by women dealing with the fall out of discovering their DHs EA?

It is very likely you will be found out because deceit and lying doesn't come naturally to many.

Also think about work and what will happen there when it comes out. Are either of you in a position of management? I doubt either of you are devoting your whole time during your paid working hours actually working.

NoseWiperExtraordinaire Sun 12-Jan-14 12:11:56

I nearly had an EA once (I had a crush, possibly reciprocated I don't know but started to fantasize that it might be) but managed to swerve it but not before giving up my job and staying the hell away from the man in question.

I knew it was just a reflection on my needs in my relationship that weren't being met and we needed to work on that, which we did smile.

Your needs won't be met by a married man either, it will just devastate lives. You know this which is why you are posting about it.

Take some time away from it all.

End it with him, he is married. End your own relationship, you don't love or respect your partner.Work on being on your own for a bit, build up your self esteem so that you don't fall for this crap again.

Fairenuff Sun 12-Jan-14 12:16:35

Are you really asking people who have had their lives devastated and their trust destroyed, perhaps forever, to tell you how bad it is so that you can decide whether or not it's bad enough to stop you doing it to another person? shock

Stop replying to the MM texts. Block his calls. Change your phone number if you have to. Start looking for a new job straight away.

In the meantime, avoid him. Do not enter into any conversation unless it's about work.

End the relationship with your partner. Move out until the house is sold, then take your share and rebuild your new life, as a single person, in your new job.

What else do you need to know?

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 12:34:45

Well, he is leaving the company soon so that will be the end anyway.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sun 12-Jan-14 12:38:59

I would leave your partner if I were you. Even without the EA it doesn't sound like this relationship is going anywhere or doing much for either of you. Perhaps your partner doesn't really love you anymore but can't be arsed to change the comfy status quo.

When you are free and single you might be in a better position to see your life more clearly.

Your OM might then see you as a threat to his comfy life and end it with you before you tell his wife.

Then you'll be free to meet someone who you can really love and who is free to actually love you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jan-14 12:39:38

Living... I actually don't think that reading other stories here about affairs will stop you in your tracks. I really don't think it's going to make a difference to you.

I'm not going to flame you. My best friend was where you are and is living a sort of 'half-life' now. She was like a toddler-pulling-a-plate-loaded-tablecloth-off-a-table. All the warnings didn't stop her and it won't stop you.

I know what you want. You want to know how to manage yourself to keep it so you are in control. You also, I think, want a little 'camaraderie' from other women in the same position. You won't find that on this board because OW/OM (as they are so delightfully monikered), are generally - and often gleefully - flamed resulting in lots of deleted posts. This is because there are people here who are hurting, having lost the lives they expected. I can fully understand that and you should acknowledge that by tempering any responses you make to an obviously hurting poster.

At the moment, you still have control but I think you're kidding yourself. You say that you've told your married man that you wouldn't leave your partner for him. That is incongruous with your statement that you 'would happily clean the toilet' forever. I can see that what you feel is complete intoxication, I think affairs do that, they fill whatever that need is inside yourself.

If you PM me, I'll send you 'The Anatomy of an Affair', it's interesting reading.

In a nutshell though, you're not going to take advice about no contact, deleting his details, distancing yourself, etc. because it feels too good to stop it and you figure that if you don't get found out that nobody will get hurt. I'm on the fence with that one, it depends how deceitful and skilful at it you are - and ditto for your married man. You have to be very, very sure that you can count on each other to maintain complete secrecy if you're going to go down this route. Make no mistake though, Living, there is no turning back and you may well rue your decision to embark on it.

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 12:45:57

Thank you both for those posts. Will PM you now Lying.

ALittleStranger Sun 12-Jan-14 12:47:41

OP I think what you're doing is a very common response to a crap relationship when you can't summon up the courage to leave. You start to get your emotional needs met but in a way that you hope will remain covert so you never need to have the difficult conversation with your partner, and you've chosen someone who, whether you know it or not, will never force you to bring everything to a head as he has his own competing pressures. It's basically an exciting way to bury your head in the sand.

Unfortunately this isn't sustainable you have to have to be straight with your partner. Be brave. Leave. Find someone you want to be with with wholeheartedly (and I don't think it's the MM either).

Fairenuff Sun 12-Jan-14 12:48:24

Posters can advise you which decision will make you happier but at the end of the day it's your life. You are the one that will live with the consequences of your choices.

If you go ahead and cheat on your partner with someone else's husband it makes no difference to me, or any other posters.

You only have to live with yourself and if your conscience is clear you will be happy.

sharonosaurus Sun 12-Jan-14 12:48:38

What makes you think that you are the only one on the receiving end of his charm?

You may well be one of many.

My DH was having several EA with old friends of his, via email etc.

I remember reading one reply from a woman, saying "I hope you are feeling better, Its been horrible not hearing from you"

I looked at the dates, and realised it was around Xmas & that we were both sat on the sofa together picking baby names, inbetween cooking a meal.

I asked him to leave, best thing I ever did.

gettingabitworriednow Sun 12-Jan-14 12:51:22

I was in a very similar situation very recently. I did not even know what an emotional affair was until I was stuck in one and came across the term on mn, which I then googled.
Mine was also with a colleague. Luckily for me, our work closed for 2 weeks over Christmas. During this time, neither of us contacted the other one. Although we didn't discuss it, I think we both knew it was the right thing to do.
For the first week of no contact I was overwhelmed with thoughts of this man, to the point of feeling almost physical pain at not seeing him. Then I stopped thinking of him.
It was a huge relief. Finally I had the energy to work on my marriage.
I am in a much better place now and, although we are back at work and I have to work with this man, I have gained a more sensible perspective.
I can already see a marked improvement in my marriage and my mental state (although at the time, I thought I was completely fine and my OH had the problem).
It was the 2 week break that saved me and my marriage. I strongly urge you to take a 2 week holiday and go no-contact during that time. You will be surprised how little time it takes.
I would liken it to giving up smoking.
All the best. I hope I have helped a little bit. I am very sympathetic as I can fully understand how it can creep up on you.

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 12:55:57

"Well, he is leaving the company soon so that will be the end anyway."

My guess is that you are avoiding making decisions.

And thus leaving yourself vulnerable to it happening all over again because you are not facing your responsibility in making all the choices that led to this situation, and then choosing not to deal with it.

It makes no difference to me which path you decide to follow. But it's going to make a huge difference to you. Leaving it in the hands of third parties to make decisions for you does however strike me as one of the most diminishing ways to deal with important life choices. But if being a passenger is what you want to do, you can make that choice. But it remains your choice.

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 13:15:00

I tend to bury my head in the sand, then one day i know i will just click, like a little switch and not see a problem in telling my partner i am not happy and want to end it. Until i get to that point i will muddle on.
Getting - yes, thanks for your post. It did creep up on me. I have worked with this guy for years and late last year developed feelings for him. Of course this all came out on the Xmas work do. But we decided to take it no further. We didnt actually have any contact for 2 weeks. As soon as we got back to work the ante was upped. We had missed each other terribly and so for the last week have messaged each other constantly, met up after work, try to be alone at work etc etc. This is only after 1 week!!

CarryOnDancing Sun 12-Jan-14 13:52:25

Living, from your posts it's very obvious that this isn't about your relationship with your DP (you've already checked out of that), it's about the fact you are the OW. I think you want to hear others painful stories because you want proof that in some cases the OW is "special enough" to be prized the position of GF whilst the wife writes on mn about her STBXH.

I don't believe for a minute that if he came and confessed his love, you wouldn't be straight out of the door. There's no use saying otherwise when you feel so strongly about the MM and talk so negatively (and blame his behaviour) about your DP. Who would chose a lazy, non communicative, computer game addict?

You are clearly sticking where you are in the hope the better offer will arise. You are thinking the grass is greener. The only flaw in your plan is that you are treating your DP with contempt and you are selecting a cheat with morals or respect for his wedding vows.

Leave your DP and find someone who is available!

EvenBetter Sun 12-Jan-14 13:54:48

Gross. How trashy and sleazy. Picture him standing in his suit on his wedding day, his face as he saw his bride, him making legal vows to love, honour, cherish and protect his wife. Them decorating their home, their children. Him pissing all that against a wall. That's the type of person you're lusting after. A liar, a pathetic waste of space who is happily destroying lives so he can get an ego stroke or shove his dick in you in some gloomy Premiere Inn. Imagine him having sex with his wife (because he is, you know) and then slinking off to the bog to send you shitty little text messages.
What part of this is NOT just fucking dreary and pathetic?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jan-14 14:21:36

Living... there was a recent thread on here about 'OW winning the married man'. It got a bit heated as it is emotive for many people but it may be interesting for you to read it.

The fact is, for some OW/OM an affair is just that; for others, it is a 'wake-up' call to end their primary relationships and start again. These are just people though, decent, honourable, unkind, dislikeable, funny, unhappy, every kind. They just happen to be having an affair. An OW/OM doesn't become 'seedy or pathetic' just because they're judged. They're still people with thoughts and feelings and desires. I truly hate the labelling; that's pointless.

We are bound, by convention, to honour marriage vows. Marriages are very easy to enter into and very difficult to get out of because of costs, family ties and the thought of what people might think.

I think that this topic is one that should be discussed more; perhaps not here though because it causes immense upset and nobody wants to cause anguish on a board for support.

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